LordOfTabs
Bluelighter
Since I was 15, I've been working constantly to always ensure my next fix. What's broken? Nothings broken.
Raised by two polar opposite parents, an angry aggressive drunk, and a kind hearted mother, was me. Living in this world where empowerment and enlightenment are in style today. Growing up I was always self conscious of my actions, afraid of disapproval from people I saw superior, but without the drive to do any more than coast my way around them. Walking through highschool, the silent hate manifested, as I listened to my music and ignored everything, "this world is so fake" "everyone in this world is filled with greed and condescending interests". Almost feeling euphoria from the hate running through my body, I still loved everyone on this world. No matter what. Conflicted with everything, I started getting anxiety from living a fake life. Using drugs to live in the moment and forget about hate, forget about problems, forget about responsibility, forget about school, forget about your pets, forget about your true self. People would warn me "your not experiencing the world the way it is", now, why would I want to do a thing like that?
Years go by and the only person in my life has been my friend since I could remember. Our drug habit eventually took us seperate ways. Only then, did I realize what it meant to truly be alone. Even in my own head, because who had I become?
Then I stopped keeping it a secret. All I hear the tv say is be yourself, feel empowered, live happy, so I did just that. It went from the 2 mgs of xanax a day to 8. Soon it became any substance. Adderall, ritilan, hydrocodone, oxycodone, bupronorphine, methamphetamine, alcohol, nitrous oxide, klonipon, valuim, extacy, marijuana, LSD, cocaine, then again, your supposed to explore everything in the world right?
Between my "medication" and the inevitable paycheck I suffer so hard for I would hit what trainspotting nailed on the head. Junkie limbo.
The feeling inbetween your last dose and the next. When the drug fades and you start to feel like you can do everything better, only if you weren't you. The thought sickens me. The looks of my family intimidate me, my reflection tells me I am fucked up. Bordem and thoughts of guilt, sadness, lack of love, and disrespect for yourself consume.
But when did it become so negative? At what point did being myself become such a burden? Realizing that no matter how far you go you can't get a fix. Of anything. Not even liquor.
Doing drugs, not A drug, is normal today. Lost of people do it. Why couldn't I? There should be a point when people stop stomping you down further, that's worse than murder in my eyes. In my state, there is no help. If your not normal or happy, they get rid of you as best they can. Introducing paranoia.
With age comes separation to succeed. Not to get clean and stay drug free forever no. But the desire for pleasure that comes to you, not up your nose. Managing every day, it seems very few seem to catch a break from the hostility of the average human. Use, enjoy, come down, go to sleep, wake up, go to school, come home, use, hang out, go out, come down, go home.
The more and more people try to strong arm happiness and success, the more it becomes "use". Yell at someone with a fragile emotional mind? Use. Yell at them for using? Use. Disown them for using? Use. And they wonder how it got so bad.
Live writing my thoughts during junkie limbo, I think I am ready to confront reality, and put down the drugs for a minute. The emotional suffering from what's to come might be far less intense than what I have become today.
(god we all love trainspotting right?)
Raised by two polar opposite parents, an angry aggressive drunk, and a kind hearted mother, was me. Living in this world where empowerment and enlightenment are in style today. Growing up I was always self conscious of my actions, afraid of disapproval from people I saw superior, but without the drive to do any more than coast my way around them. Walking through highschool, the silent hate manifested, as I listened to my music and ignored everything, "this world is so fake" "everyone in this world is filled with greed and condescending interests". Almost feeling euphoria from the hate running through my body, I still loved everyone on this world. No matter what. Conflicted with everything, I started getting anxiety from living a fake life. Using drugs to live in the moment and forget about hate, forget about problems, forget about responsibility, forget about school, forget about your pets, forget about your true self. People would warn me "your not experiencing the world the way it is", now, why would I want to do a thing like that?
Years go by and the only person in my life has been my friend since I could remember. Our drug habit eventually took us seperate ways. Only then, did I realize what it meant to truly be alone. Even in my own head, because who had I become?
Then I stopped keeping it a secret. All I hear the tv say is be yourself, feel empowered, live happy, so I did just that. It went from the 2 mgs of xanax a day to 8. Soon it became any substance. Adderall, ritilan, hydrocodone, oxycodone, bupronorphine, methamphetamine, alcohol, nitrous oxide, klonipon, valuim, extacy, marijuana, LSD, cocaine, then again, your supposed to explore everything in the world right?
Between my "medication" and the inevitable paycheck I suffer so hard for I would hit what trainspotting nailed on the head. Junkie limbo.
The feeling inbetween your last dose and the next. When the drug fades and you start to feel like you can do everything better, only if you weren't you. The thought sickens me. The looks of my family intimidate me, my reflection tells me I am fucked up. Bordem and thoughts of guilt, sadness, lack of love, and disrespect for yourself consume.
But when did it become so negative? At what point did being myself become such a burden? Realizing that no matter how far you go you can't get a fix. Of anything. Not even liquor.
Doing drugs, not A drug, is normal today. Lost of people do it. Why couldn't I? There should be a point when people stop stomping you down further, that's worse than murder in my eyes. In my state, there is no help. If your not normal or happy, they get rid of you as best they can. Introducing paranoia.
With age comes separation to succeed. Not to get clean and stay drug free forever no. But the desire for pleasure that comes to you, not up your nose. Managing every day, it seems very few seem to catch a break from the hostility of the average human. Use, enjoy, come down, go to sleep, wake up, go to school, come home, use, hang out, go out, come down, go home.
The more and more people try to strong arm happiness and success, the more it becomes "use". Yell at someone with a fragile emotional mind? Use. Yell at them for using? Use. Disown them for using? Use. And they wonder how it got so bad.
Live writing my thoughts during junkie limbo, I think I am ready to confront reality, and put down the drugs for a minute. The emotional suffering from what's to come might be far less intense than what I have become today.
(god we all love trainspotting right?)
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