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July Recovery Thread

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somnilicious said:
All kinds of pre-made drinks and 2gm toss and washes. I only do the toss and washes but one time I accidently ordered a thing called a hot shot, which was some kind of spicy kratom tea to aid absorption. The kava drinks are kinda cool though. They more of a sit and chill kind of thing for me.
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I think I would have tried kava if I didn't read about how toxic it was, etc.
 
I'm so over the sober living industry. Being this close to it for a few months has exposed the absolute sess pool it is. The ethics are laughable if it wasn't so sad. I don't feel like typing out all the stories but the common denominator in all of them is money. The favoritism and the mind games that's just icing. It's a head trip.
 
there's a great world out there man but money does rule almost everything. You can find some great experiences on low $ though.

I've been thinking about you and been real proud of all the hard work you are putting into yourself (y)
 
cj sorry you're having such a bad time of it. sober living near me charge the council an unbelievable amount in rent for essentially forcing people into a situation where they have to be dishonest if they're not doing well and a few drugs tests a week, which you can get for free from the drugs services. though sounds like you've kept your job and it must feel good working again.

CH so glad your depression seems to be lifting. it must be such a relief after so long.

i'm absolutely exhausted. work is starting to tire me out and i've not been sleeping great. hopefully having a bed rather than a futon will help that now. got all my stuff moved out of my old house yesterday. also exhausting but my parents had done all the moving at the other end, with some help lifting from a neighbour. so i tried to do everything i could do on my own. its so nice not to have to conserve my energy cos i'm physically ruined all the time, and actually help.

getting my stuff is hitting me with a few more home truths. my mattress protector had to be thrown straight away cos its just disgusting. i think there's only so long you can spend rattling in bedding before its done. and it was covered in blood from where i used to tear my hair out after doing speedballs, still got short bits of hair growing out from that. the amount of stuff that i don't know where it came from is laughable. well i know its stolen but fucking hell. and the knives. i know my dad had found a lot of knives clearing my house up, left by the dealers i had in there. they arrived in my cutlery tray and seeing then all makes me so glad i never tried anything on with those guys they wouldn't have thought twice.
 
cj said:
Crazy how when shot goes bad in addiction it goes very very bad
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yep, i think its cos you don't have any reasoning and ability to make choices is fucked when you need drugs. like i actually thought on my way to the dealer before i came off my bike and smashed my phone 'i should slow down, if i smash my phone i can't score' but was unable to do that.
 
His mom still feels terrible and I want to tell her some of the good things he did for me, for others, that he got to experience. I think it might help because she's clearly struggled with his alcoholism and personality flaws quite a bit; I want her to see the good side I knew and many others did.

I don't know if now is a good time but I won't have the time later when real life picks up again. Or I might I don't know.
 
Yeah the job is going really well now chinup. I'm working full time making like 20k a year when you include tips. Which is OK because I don't report the tips for taxes. I should have my own space by the beginning of September then be strung out again by november..... just kidding!... I think
 
That's more than I do with my life man. I don't know how I'd fare if I took up that many hours. I look up to people like you who really got it going man, that's amazing. In no time you could easily be sitting way better off in life than I am right now. I'm really proud of you.

I know it's not easy and I'm sure every day is a new challenge in a weird, absurd way = that's what I felt early on when I started getting back with a real life again and what not. But it's a great feeling and I know you'll go far man! :)
 
I really like those words about taking one day at a time Captain H. I lose sight and feel pressure if I look at the task as one prolonged task makes
 
Yeah and when my mental problems are bad enough I take it one breath or thought at a time. That can really suck like just counting the minutes waiting for a panic attack to go away. For the most part I am fairly fortunate to be a bit better most days than I was earlier this year and last. A lot of trying times.
 
My biggest problem is dealing with stress. I fucking snapped on a coworker today bad during the middle of a rush. He was being an inconsiderate jerk but my reaction was out of proportion.I don't even know what I said to him honestly but I'm sure it wasn't nice. I just have no control once I am angry. It's scary. Thankfully it takes a ton to make me mad these days
 
I can relate to that CJ. Don’t feel bad. You probably handled it just as well as could be expected.
 
Good to see so many people striving to better themselves and achieve their version of sobriety. I'm still trying to stop taking kratom. I don't know why I cant completely quit because the withdrawal really isn't that bad. I think a lot of it has to do with the acceptability, low cost and easy accessibility. Unfortunately the cost is starting to become an issue. I know I can do so much better. I question what I have read about the half life because the withdrawal comes on extremely quick.

I just want to be free of everything and learn other coping skills.

Hope everyone is doing well.
 
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I'm losing my fucking mind. I took 6 grams of gabapentin but I still want to slit my wrists. I fucking despise the people I live with. I got roped into watching some dumbass movie tonight. The worst part is I don't even want to get high anymore. I just want to die.
 
cj said:
I'm losing my fucking mind. I took 6 grams of gabapentin but I still want to slit my wrists. I fucking despise the people I live with. I got roped into watching some dumbass movie tonight. The worst part is I don't even want to get high anymore. I just want to die.
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my friend do you remember the exact same words I told you that things like meth or heroin or LSD or whatever amazingly potent RC psychedelics didn't even APPEAL to me anymore, after that severe panic attack I had where I acted out (if I posted the story YOU GUYS WOULD BE AMAZED at how terribly I handle situations and how bad my ptsd is), do you remember? And you told me to just give it like 1 week, that things would change and I probably would feel differently?

I still absolutely hate myself and feel conquered/humiliated if I go through severe panic and act out on it and I feel I'll never mentally recover. But I think my life is worth living now, and if I had ended it I'd have left behind a lot of people that would miss me and I saw what my buddy's passing did to his mom; I'm not going to do that to anyone who may love me (lol number is probably down to zero).

I think you are the BOMB man, I know you must be going through a hard time and I can only imagine how you must feel. Don't give up. Things are going to get worse before they get better. That's why people relapse. If the withdrawal was the worst part no one would relapse, ever, and drug recovery rates would be very high numbers like over 70%, not under 30%. SOBRIETY and living with mental problems or a history of trauma or living in a society, struggling financially, this is what's harder than the withdrawal.

And that sounds harsh but I'm being realistic. Sobriety really is harder than the withdrawal. It's so easy to just come off drugs and whine and pout and sleep it off in bed all day: all of us have mastered this. We have our comfort foods, like ice cream, a jug of water, Dex's piss bottles (RIP DEX) and if you're homeless it really doesn't matter you just peel off your disgusting used clothes, crawl on the sidewalk and eventually you'll come across fresh clothes, a plate of food and acquire enough money to keep using.

That's the life we know. The one we want to know is *so much harder* and more frustrating. I can't tell you how incredibly frustrating my life has been this year, in fact you know a lot about it and I've told you quite a bit. Things for me got *way worse* in my sobriety. I watched loved ones fall apart. I watched my ex die and basically take his life through passive euthanasia. He was his parents' only son, and I'm watching them cope. I'm watching other people I love dearly fall apart and die in slow motion. I've witnessed disadvantaged people I've encountered in life throw it all away to remain homeless drug users instead of getting their life together despite getting a lot of $$$ handed to them in a settlement, or what not.

What you're going through is harder than heroin withdrawal and there's no medication to make oneself alright with a situation that's fundamentally fucked up. That's why people end up using hard drugs to cope with hard situations and then fall into a drug singularity to avoid "the truth", reality, or whatever you want to call it. Just stick your chin up, believe in yourself and know things *will get better* one day. They will. If you keep working for it they have to, I promise buddy.

There's a lot of points of many days where I feel intense waves of grief and sadness, loss, and all I want is my ex to be alive, or I want loved ones to not be ill and dying, or I want to just be dead so I don't have to experience this dehumanizing process of grief and loss. But I eventually realize it's all going to happen no matter how I feel about it, and my feelings will change, and I'm not the only one who goes through this. To be fair *very few people* successfully get clean while dealing with hard life issues; a lot of people relapse and die. So I can't say "we all go through" what you are CJ; you're an exceptionally brave/strong person and are going through hardships that might have broken a weaker spirit like myself. That's why you have to believe in yourself like I do ;) I think you're going to make it through this. You can always contact me if things are getting rough and you just want to vent.
 
I am really sad to hear this honey,

Give it a few days, things will get better, and please pm me and we can talk anytime. I am always here for you.

Hang in there cj, my dear friend,
Ash.

Pm'ing you.?<3



cj said:
I'm losing my fucking mind. I took 6 grams of gabapentin but I still want to slit my wrists. I fucking despise the people I live with. I got roped into watching some dumbass movie tonight. The worst part is I don't even want to get high anymore. I just want to die.
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cj i dunno how or when but things will get better. statistically its not possible for things to stay completely shit forever. keep working and one day you'll be so glad you did. keep at it man you deserve so much more than to feel the way you do.
 
just been to my 'graduation' for my therapy course. it was really nice. almost cried, can't believe the state i'd got myself into before i went to rehab. it was nice to catch up with people. quite a few didn't come- one had relapsed and is now back to an hour a week with her daughter, she was gonna get 50% custody in september. fucking heartbroken for her.
 
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