This is the latest I've been awake in I can't remember how long. I hate staying awake until the wee hours of the morning- not anymore. I like going to sleep while it's still dark- and going to sleep every night that is- and getting up while it's still daytime. And feeling refreshed, renewed, clean; not like someone put a dirty sock in my mouth and a fog in my brain- paying for the previous night's indulgence.
But tonight I did crystal. For the first time in eight and a half months. I said I would never do it again- so why did I? I didn't have to, I could have NOT done it. I've been through many more difficult tests in the days when I used to do drugs on a daily basis.
Once you're clean for so long, you forget what you used to be like, you start seeing a new YOU, a sober you. And what was once normal becomes abnormal and what was once abnormal- such as sleeping- is now not only normal, but revered and adhered to at all costs. Because in the beginning, drugs were your friend...but by the end they had become your worst enemy. And what you once dosed/smoked/snorted without a second thought, you now dread. Instead of anticipating, you fear. Fear the drugs because you can finally see the hold they have over you and all the control you have lost.
And then it's supposed to get better, right? At first it's hard, but it's supposed to get easier, right? You gradually take back control of your life, one day at a time, piece by piece. You beat the addiction- or do you? Can you ever really 'cure' an addiction? Like a bacteria that invades your body, makes you feel sick for a time and then is exterminated by your local prescribed antibiotic. Gone- non-existant, eliminated.
The problem is- once you've had them, drugs that is, you can't ever really go back. You're not the same person you were before all of it, although maybe you were sober then and you are sober now, you will never be completely drug-free. Because they may have left your body, but they will never leave your mind. You may control the addiction, beat it back into the deepest darkest corner of your mind, but it will always be a part of you.
For the last couple of weeks I've been craving drugs harder than usual. Obsessing about tasting crystal again, pouring out just one cap (just one!) cutting it into a perfect line, rolling up a $20 bill and railing that shit. Just to feel it go up my nose, just to feel the burn, the drips, the rush to my head, the pounding in my chest, the warmth that lights up my entire being. Just. One. Time. I've been clean so long, there's no way in hell I'd go back to doing drugs again, I couldn't, I've changed so much. Besides, I needed this. I just broke up with my boyfriend and I needed this. I needed this party. This party where I got the crystal. This party where I saw HIM again.
At first he walked right by me. Then a flash of recognition on his face, then he comes over and it's a tight hug, a kiss on the cheek, and a "You look very pretty tonight". Fuck You. Don't you know I hate you? Don't you know how dirty you make me feel? Still now, after nine fucking months, you put your hands all over me and stare me up and down with that icy confidence. And I wonder if I'll ever stop being YOURS. I wonder when the butterflies and nausea in my stomach will cease. I wonder when my sense of dignity and self-esteem will return. And I wonder when the nightmares will stop.
I want to run away from you, leave the party that minute. But instead I go to the bar and join you for a drink. Make small talk and listen to you sweet-talking me again. Blush and smile and flirt- wait, STOP! Why the hell am I doing this? Why do I subconsciously turn into your whore again whenever you talk to me? And I let you caress my arm and waist, though my skin prickles at your touch and I shudden inwardly; still I can't pull away, you have this control over me, you make me afraid of you.
And that fear spreads. From fear of the drugs, fear of HIM, then to every area of living: working, going to school, making decisions, writing, talking to new people, getting close to anyone. Until you're afraid of so much you can't see what it is you're afraid of anymore: you're afraid of Life. You think you can never do it: live Life. It seems so hopeless. Sure, you can function. But just barely. And what's the point? You feel so empty, you're not even living anymore. You're merely existing.
Everyone always says I'm doing so well and look how far I've come. But have I? Because tonight brought me eight and a half months back in time...with ONE fucking cap of crystal.
But the questions remains...why did I do it? Because I had a shitty day, because I broke up with my boyfriend, because I saw HIM?...those are all excuses. Because I wanted to? Maybe...if a craving is equivalent to true free desire. No, it's my addiction. Destruction can be very seductive, especially self-destruction. There's an element of twisted beauty in hating yourself; a work of art in your own downward spiral. Why again? The answer- I don't know. I need something to save me from drowning. Actually, the truth is I drowned a long time ago and I've dead for quite some time. I need to be brought back to life.
But now it's 6:28 a.m. and I really should try to sleep. After all, it's becoming day again and God knows I hate daylight.
~Kim.
But tonight I did crystal. For the first time in eight and a half months. I said I would never do it again- so why did I? I didn't have to, I could have NOT done it. I've been through many more difficult tests in the days when I used to do drugs on a daily basis.
Once you're clean for so long, you forget what you used to be like, you start seeing a new YOU, a sober you. And what was once normal becomes abnormal and what was once abnormal- such as sleeping- is now not only normal, but revered and adhered to at all costs. Because in the beginning, drugs were your friend...but by the end they had become your worst enemy. And what you once dosed/smoked/snorted without a second thought, you now dread. Instead of anticipating, you fear. Fear the drugs because you can finally see the hold they have over you and all the control you have lost.
And then it's supposed to get better, right? At first it's hard, but it's supposed to get easier, right? You gradually take back control of your life, one day at a time, piece by piece. You beat the addiction- or do you? Can you ever really 'cure' an addiction? Like a bacteria that invades your body, makes you feel sick for a time and then is exterminated by your local prescribed antibiotic. Gone- non-existant, eliminated.
The problem is- once you've had them, drugs that is, you can't ever really go back. You're not the same person you were before all of it, although maybe you were sober then and you are sober now, you will never be completely drug-free. Because they may have left your body, but they will never leave your mind. You may control the addiction, beat it back into the deepest darkest corner of your mind, but it will always be a part of you.
For the last couple of weeks I've been craving drugs harder than usual. Obsessing about tasting crystal again, pouring out just one cap (just one!) cutting it into a perfect line, rolling up a $20 bill and railing that shit. Just to feel it go up my nose, just to feel the burn, the drips, the rush to my head, the pounding in my chest, the warmth that lights up my entire being. Just. One. Time. I've been clean so long, there's no way in hell I'd go back to doing drugs again, I couldn't, I've changed so much. Besides, I needed this. I just broke up with my boyfriend and I needed this. I needed this party. This party where I got the crystal. This party where I saw HIM again.
At first he walked right by me. Then a flash of recognition on his face, then he comes over and it's a tight hug, a kiss on the cheek, and a "You look very pretty tonight". Fuck You. Don't you know I hate you? Don't you know how dirty you make me feel? Still now, after nine fucking months, you put your hands all over me and stare me up and down with that icy confidence. And I wonder if I'll ever stop being YOURS. I wonder when the butterflies and nausea in my stomach will cease. I wonder when my sense of dignity and self-esteem will return. And I wonder when the nightmares will stop.
I want to run away from you, leave the party that minute. But instead I go to the bar and join you for a drink. Make small talk and listen to you sweet-talking me again. Blush and smile and flirt- wait, STOP! Why the hell am I doing this? Why do I subconsciously turn into your whore again whenever you talk to me? And I let you caress my arm and waist, though my skin prickles at your touch and I shudden inwardly; still I can't pull away, you have this control over me, you make me afraid of you.
And that fear spreads. From fear of the drugs, fear of HIM, then to every area of living: working, going to school, making decisions, writing, talking to new people, getting close to anyone. Until you're afraid of so much you can't see what it is you're afraid of anymore: you're afraid of Life. You think you can never do it: live Life. It seems so hopeless. Sure, you can function. But just barely. And what's the point? You feel so empty, you're not even living anymore. You're merely existing.
Everyone always says I'm doing so well and look how far I've come. But have I? Because tonight brought me eight and a half months back in time...with ONE fucking cap of crystal.
But the questions remains...why did I do it? Because I had a shitty day, because I broke up with my boyfriend, because I saw HIM?...those are all excuses. Because I wanted to? Maybe...if a craving is equivalent to true free desire. No, it's my addiction. Destruction can be very seductive, especially self-destruction. There's an element of twisted beauty in hating yourself; a work of art in your own downward spiral. Why again? The answer- I don't know. I need something to save me from drowning. Actually, the truth is I drowned a long time ago and I've dead for quite some time. I need to be brought back to life.
But now it's 6:28 a.m. and I really should try to sleep. After all, it's becoming day again and God knows I hate daylight.
~Kim.
