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Jameson Inn...

MySecret

MySecret

Bluelighter
Joined
Mar 11, 2011
Messages
262
Location
Georgia
So, my better half and I have been fighting a lot in the past three days... I'm sitting at the Jameson Inn, getting hardcore-ly fucked up... I fucking hate my god damn life. We never used to fight but lately she changed and has been controlling me a lot more. I'm not a god damn slave. I am the best fucking dad to my 6 month old son and the best husband to her. I always go out of my way to make them so happy, even if it means cutting off my left nut. But still, its never enough. Love is a fucking joke. I want to kill myself. Yeah mods, go ahead and close this fucking thread because it doesn't follow the god damn guidelines.

Loading up my glock now... and no, I'm not kidding.
 
Hmmmm...

this may be better suited to The Dark Side?

SLR > TDS
 
I sort of know what your going thru brother. Im going thru a bitter divorce right now myself and things get messy. You just have to give it some time and it will pass. Why dont you go out and do something fun for yourself, like to a club or something and pick up some strange??

What you getting fucked up on in the room?


I get in these moods too and I wlways have to think "it will pass" Ending your life is forever, this problem is just temp.

Love you man
 
i can hardly see why anyone would want to be kidding about this, im not, i dont believe you are.

to feel this much hurt must be a sign of a strong love there...
one worth sharing -- with your child a least.
grow with him

...

in divorce as well, 9 years, things change, so will this night and tomorrow.
think through this shit, live through, and understand y6ourself more afterwards.
 
Sounds rough :(, look if you feel your not being listened to or appreciated that is no reason to take it out on yourself...trying to please your partner and looking for her approval to validate you isn't the way to live! Her opinion/feeling doesn't change who you are realistically, give yourself a break.
Sucks when you feel like your banging your head against a brick wall and are underappreciated but that is just her opinion, you have to concentrate about how you feel about yourself. Your a good Dad by your own admission and if she doesnt see that then dont go joining in with her lack of appreciation/understanding for you.<3
 
Alright guys... I apologize for blowing up last night. I'm alright. I just... had to do some soul searching. I took a bottle of Mucinex DM 60 mg and drank an entire large bottle of Wild Fruit Irish Rose. After I got drunk and ate 9 Mucinex DM pills (540 mg of DXM), I walked to Wal-Mart completely fucked up and somehow ended up back in the hotel room with 2 cans of Reddi-Whips. I was going to try to get high off it for the first time but every time I would spray the stuff I would have a mouth full of whipped cream lol. I've been battling this shit for 6 years, okay... but I did not want to realize it. Do I regret this? Yes and no. DXM is a tool for me. It makes things worse but to the point where you realize whats going on and things fit together clearly. Things gotta get worse before they can get better, right? Anyways, I'm back at home and still pretty fucked up. My drug of choice was always Zicam in the past but they changed the ingredients in it and it doesn't contain DXM anywhere I've looked for it, recently anyways. This being said, I truly do not encourage anyone to do drugs or DXM to fix problems. It can be done without drugs. I just need to get my shit straight. I will admit that I am not that bad off, but the past couple of days have not been so great but like I always say, this too shall pass. But yeah, what I did last night was stupid as hell and probably one of my lowest moments in my life, aside from the time I went to the mental institution for a week after doing DXM for 2 years straight, on a daily basis. Am I addicted? I don't know. I don't think I am.
 
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well good to hear youre up and thinking, maybe not the best of thoughts but ones you are rationalizing with.
~
hmm, maybe you are not addicted to dxm, but should probably give it a stop anyway it sounds;-) from the state it has left you in from your experiences shared. but, its a new day, better then yesterday, and there is always tomorrow.

<3
 
panic in paradise said:
well good to hear youre up and thinking, maybe not the best of thoughts but ones you are rationalizing with.
~
hmm, maybe you are not addicted to dxm, but should probably give it a stop anyway it sounds;-) from the state it has left you in from your experiences shared. but, its a new day, better then yesterday, and there is always tomorrow.

<3
Click to expand...

Indeed, my friend. Indeed.
 
your marriage will not be able to last with you getting loaded . even if the misses knew that you partied before you two tied the knot .
it is terrible hard on a child when parents are quarreling over a choice that one of the pair selfishly makes, i.e. substance abuse .

booze was instrumental in the dissolution of my marriage after 6 years but then again i was her third husband -- two to tango what!
 
hobhead said:
your marriage will not be able to last with you getting loaded . even if the misses knew that you partied before you two tied the knot .
it is terrible hard on a child when parents are quarreling over a choice that one of the pair selfishly makes, i.e. substance abuse .

booze was instrumental in the dissolution of my marriage after 6 years but then again i was her third husband -- two to tango what!
Click to expand...

Agreed. I've got to redirect my mentality into what is more important. This being said, I watched my father destroy everything he had because of alcohol and speed. I've got to stop myself from becoming him. Life can be so very misleading sometimes.
 
''Agreed. I've got to redirect my mentality into what is more important. This being said, I watched my father destroy everything he had because of alcohol and speed. I've got to stop myself from becoming him. Life can be so very misleading sometimes.'' said MS .

there is no predicting how badly a spectacularly fucked up upbringing will affect one after the formative years have past . that having been said and i make no excuses, i was in trouble constantly throughout my existence .

yet i know others that came from far worse situations and have made peace with their world .
gotta be that the nature/nurture dichotomy has traction . i could keep an army of headshrinkers busy trying to untangle my mess .
 
Keep in mind that if you and your wife are jnot meant to be then that is what has to be. But remember that you are a father and that child will need you.

I was raised by an abusive alcoholic father and a mother who stayed with him for "the sake" of the kids. You need to focus on becoming the best person you can be for you and your child.

The key is you have to do it for yourself before you can how I say "make it stick" so that it will make you a good father. I know its hard to face the reality of it that you and your wife may not be together anymore, but who knows what could happen if you focus on getting yourself healthy. In addition to that you getting minimizes any possibility of mud slinging if it comes to that in family court.

Good luck and I am happy that you did not do anything harmful last night <3
 
hobhead said:
''Agreed. I've got to redirect my mentality into what is more important. This being said, I watched my father destroy everything he had because of alcohol and speed. I've got to stop myself from becoming him. Life can be so very misleading sometimes.'' said MS .

there is no predicting how badly a spectacularly fucked up upbringing will affect one after the formative years have past . that having been said and i make no excuses, i was in trouble constantly throughout my existence .

yet i know others that came from far worse situations and have made peace with their world .
gotta be that the nature/nurture dichotomy has traction . i could keep an army of headshrinkers busy trying to untangle my mess .
Click to expand...

<3 This post.

...You can always erase your History though, through conscious choice and effort. Life is your's despite the clinging baggage, one can create a clean canvas, through imagination and creative Spirituality(although the memories are always there) you can choose to reject the known world for one that you want to put your heart and soul into, takes a little bit of madness but without madness life would be very boring.
History is an affliction of those of us who want to control things.
We have to start afresh free of it, free to be what we need rather than what we got.<3
 
Take the clip outta that glock and toss it in a river. Then take the gun and toss it in another cause there ain't nothing good going to come of having a gun around in the state of mind.
 
Wow, a forum with caring people. Holy shit.

I'm not going to kill myself and my wife and I never argue. We have been together for 3 years and have never really argued, only when I wouldn't stop doing drugs. This was the worst argument we have ever had. We are back to normal and the makeup sex was awesome :) I fell in love with her sober but these drugs make me turn into a different person, causing me to fall out of love. I can't be someone else and love them the same way as I do when I'm sober. I will start and then do it for a few months or a year and then stop for a few months or a year and so on. It's a battle. I'm done with it. Drugs change people. I thought I could just dip my feet in the water without staying in it. I kept telling myself this but it didn't work. It started with pot. I see why they call it a gateway drug. It's not the same for everyone though. Some people have more control. Myself on the other hand, not so much. I give up too easily. This time though, I really want this, to be clean, for the sake of my son, my wife, and I definitely don't want to end up like my dad. Before I left last night, before I got fucked up, I went and got my son and held him in my arms. Immediately, tears began flowing down my face and I visualized the decision that my father made when he chose to stay drunk for all those years and do speed. He chose to screw up his life over his family. I would sit on the porch every day after getting off the phone with him, after him telling me he was on the way, and the sun would go down after 5 hours or however long it had been, and he would show up, driving drunk and stumbling... passing out and stuff. How could he do this to me? I texted him today and I said in the text message, "You chose alcohol and drugs over your family. 20 years later, you meet a woman who is addicted to crack and she sobers up and then he sobers up. Why couldn't you do it for us if you could do it for her?"
 
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thats a hard thought...
and even more of difficult a realization.
<3
but you now have the opportunity to change that possible outlook for your son to obtain of life, and reciprocate maybe to his children from your example.

the timeless ageless saying goes -- after enough time in the Black, some see the Light from inside, and new life is born more free then ever...
~:-)
 
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