Absolutely true about the half life. Please let me be clear though - I only took 60 pills in a day once or twice, never all at once, and while experiencing the "delusion of sobriety" effect (boy, is THAT the truth!) Usually, it's a couple in the morning, and a few more at night since around January 20. Today for example, I've taken exactly two pills. Feel fine so far. I will need to take more tonight, of course, but certainly no more binging; I got scared to death by the stories of seizures, panic attacks and full-blown benzo withdrawal. I was an IV heroin addict (banged Dilaudid and Oxy too), took a fair bit of coke and crack, tried a tiny bit of meth once (too scared of it to get much of anything) and pot - in addition to all my prescriptions which were mostly opioids, benzos and antidepressants. In fact, I was 24 and had no interest in drugs at all until my fucking GP prescribed me 3500 of them, cut me off cold turkey, then blamed the "marijuana gateway theory" for my addiction. At the time, I had tried marijuana exactly once, and hated it because it gave me anxiety. Piece of shit. It's docs like that that create us patients. Sure, there are some psychonauts out there, but must of us never woke up one day and thought "I'm bored - I think I'll become a heroin addict". It happens over months, years. and we are despised by society and know it. I feel it in my pharmacists eyes every time she dispenses my methadone. She acts friendly enough, but she'd never, ever trust me with the smallest of responsibilities despite the fact that I've been clean (with the obvious exception of etizolam) since 2014. It's a good thing we have each other here.
Personally, I feel the waves of hatred coming off certain people who know I got addicted relatively innocently (I was totally naïve at the time, did not know about opiates, and did not ask for percs - yet he gave me 100 per month with the instructions to take 1-2 per migraine, despite the fact that I told him my migraines occurred on average twice a month. He still gave me 100 every month for 3 years, which is where I got the 3600 figure. The second he suspected I was abusing them (which I admittedly had been, taking 4-5 at a time to nod and play my favorite games. God, I still miss those days....in a way, they were better than heroin. They felt amazing, and despite the high not comparing to a good H high, you're not messed up beyond the point of return yet, the way you are as soon as you put the needle in your arm. Anyway, my doctor guessed I was becoming addicted and cut me off cold turkey with no replacement - not even clonidine, yet don't care. He also broke confidentiality by telling my father - also a patient of his - my story. So no - I don't blame anyone who happens to be addicted, no matter how they got that way. It makes no difference anyway, because we're all the same in one way - we all did it and loved it, BUT continued doing it the kill the pain. We all have something inside us we wish wasn't there we're covering up with drugs. H, crack, meth....all addictive, but all useful for the dopamine they give us that we just can't get on our own for various reasons. But the rest of the population? The "normal" ones who have never used, but binge on alcohol every weekend? To them, a junkie is a junkie - the cancer of society.
But back to Etizolam There I was, feeling completely normal; meanwhile, friends and parents told me I had begun to slur my words, I was getting bruised from walking into walls so often, and a police officer showed up at my apartment because apparently, a few people had called to say I was weaving on the road (THIS is very dangerous and inexcusable - I had no right to put others at risk, despite my delusions). I gotta say, based on previous experience with cops, this guy was incredible. He said (and looked) legit concerned for me, asked what was wrong, got me to spill my guts and cry. He was actually very sympathetic and said he only wanted to check on me to see if I was ok (yeah right, I thought. So you can take me downtown and keep a close watch over me). But amazingly, he really seemed to mean it; no tickets, no impounding my car, no jail. He talked to me like a human, told me how the pandemic is causing so much pain. I still don't know if I did the right thing here, but I'm a [pretty good judge of character, and I trusted him and voluntarily told him about my past addiction, that I was on methadone, but clean for 7-8 years now. I can hear the gasps of some of you who can't believe I would volunteer that information to a cop. But I thought, hey - this guy actually IS trying to help and I want be honest with him. Seems I was right, as he commiserated with me, told me that he hopes I knew addiction is a disease for life. He wished me the best and left - nothing more. Not even a traffic ticket.
If ALL cops were like that...what a different world we'd be living in, is all I can say about that. All addicts should be offered a clean supply of pharmaceutical drugs, not thrown in prison. It's a fucking no brainer - but they do it to get the blacks off the streets, racist bastards. I'm in Canada, incidentally, that's why I get my methadone from the regular pharmacy.
Thank you ALL for the well
wishes and advice
Sorry I tend to post so long.
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