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Relapse i've been losing and i can't test my body or lights out

geraggh34

geraggh34

Bluelighter
Joined
Aug 20, 2010
Messages
84
hey guys, this past couple weeks have not been good. My backstory is back in october i went into the hospital with heart endocarditis and them heart valve replacement, spleen taken out, surgery in leg and fluid taken out of my lungs twice etc...

on the brightside i'm alive which is pretty close to a miracle. i was completely sober from october to february. I just got back on suboxone maintenence and things are feeling better, but i have much bigger concerns. So to keep it brief i relapsed on meth, then got my first paycheck back a couple weeks later and now i've been doing it almost a week straight. I don't think my heart will make it through this if i keep giving in to getting high...

I'm literally willing to use heroin or benzos again just to get off the only one that has the power to easily take me out considering the damage that has been done.

I guess I just made this to talk to people and just get this out there so maybe i can listen to some advice. Also i even shot ice again after i swore to myself i wouldnt. I've been railing it the past few days but fuck guys the struggle is real right now and not to mention i have a good reason to know that i'm treading on ice with my life right now
 
So my first post to you was deleted, i guess for being too harsh. I wasnt mean, i just painted a picture of the bad thibgs (besides desth) that could happen if you keep doing uppers with your heart issues.

So i'll rephrase.

You could really hurt yourself and end up ill and bedridden. Like, death isnt the worst thing that can hapoen, you know? Youve been given the gift of a second chance.

I dont think you should go on opiates or benzos to quit uppers. I think thats just inviting more problems. Honestly if i were you id stay on subs and just work on being in recovery, and finding ways to be happy thst dont involve drugs. Im a heroin addict trying to quit, so i know how hard it is, trust me. I KNOW. But we can do it.
 
Well I deserve a little kick in the ass and harsh or not it?s reakity. I know I shouldn?t try to replace one habit with another, but right now I?m just willing to do what it takes to stay the fuck away from Meth. Once I use it one time there?s almost no way I force myself to crash so it?s always a guaranteed 4 day bender at least right before I went in the hospital in oct I was up 13 days.

Right now I feel like females and other chemicals are my temporary 95% success routes and anything is better than losing this war and my life at 25
 
I am very sorry that you are in this place. I can only imagine how terrifying it must be. Did the hospital offer any continuing support once you were released? Do you have any support for your addiction (sympathetic family? Counseling?).

Think how hard your body is working right now to repair itself from the damage done as well as from the surgeries to address the damage. This is how hard your mind needs to work. Changing the direction of your mind is imperative. You are right when you say, "the struggle is real" but I think you can use the fear you are experiencing to your advantage to break a dangerous cycle.
 
I feel you. I've been trying to get off methadone for 2 years. try to go to a meeting if your working a program, but if not try to go to some outpatient groups, and get through this shit.
 
one of the worst things about an addiction is knowing the harm you're doing to yourself and the risks you're taking, but not giving a fuck and doing it anyway.

its really hard i know, i've spent a lot of time in that spot myself. one thing you can do is cut off all contact with your plugs so that you cant score even if you really want to, or have somebody you fully trust that can help you manage your money so that you dont have access to enough funds to buy some.

"tough love" style abuse certainly doesnt help, so knock that shit off.
 
i didnt mean to be rude....just felt like you needed someone to be that asshole and make you realize what your doin....my bad man
 
Man just the fact that you responded and said that makes me realize you really had nothing but good intention and I really did need that I have to stop wearing my heart on my sleeve. Yesterday was the first time I have ever in my life even considered throwing drugs down the flusher. I hadn?t sleep in a couple days from the small amount I did and this guy had given me like a point, but I for once attacked the situation in an aggressive way and took control. Had to work my 2nd job which is a desk job and I actually took the high road and didn?t take the easy way out keeping myself wired just to make it through.


I had a good friend come by my house I hadn?t seen since before I was hospitalized and fuck I needed that. I have to stop being so considerate of the feelings of people I do care for that are choosing to keep going down the icy road straight to Hell. I really really feel like I kind of needed this situation to happen to realize that for fucks sake I need to look out for myself.

The couple of people I have decided to cut off do nothing in terms of my well being and keeping me alive idk why it was so hard for me to actually cut the chord they don?t really care about me deep down and the female has way too much of pull on my emotions I need to just run away and not look back at that shit because they don?t care about me really if they are going to put that in my face knowing my situation and basically handing me a gun to put to my head, fuck em man.


I?m making it through this toxic shit and I am going to see that light and not come back. I don?t even like Meth unless I?m shooting it and there is no way I can start the cycle of guilt and lies again I?m not going to be that piece of shit that puts my family through despair because I couldn?t find a reason to live past the drugs.
 
I used to think that line from Rocky was cheesy: "its not about how hard you can hit, its about how hard you can GET hit and keep moving forward." But now i feel like i get it. Just fighti g and not giving up is a victory. A day not using, even if you felt shitty, is a victory... and you should be proud of yourself.

I still stand by my (now deleted) post where i was harsh, tho. I didnt call u names or anything, not my style. I just painted a VIVID picture of your life if you stroked out from meth but didnt die. It was meant to help u realize what youre risking, but i understand why they deleted it.

Anyway hang in there & keep posting here if it helps-it does for me.
 
mewkittyblu said:
Just fighti g and not giving up is a victory. A day not using, even if you felt shitty, is a victory... and you should be proud of yourself.
Click to expand...

this. the way to win is simply to not give up. when you stumble, you pull yourself back up and keep going, one day at a time.
 
dude it seems to me you know whats the diffrence of right and wrong...your just like me...i would be shooting H and think why am i doing this?
...remember those dboys are happy to have your money....how are you doing tho ??i hope to God your doing well...ive been praying for you so much...
 
nobody wants too see you get sober more than me...trust me...i hear your story and its like im looking in the mirror....if i could do it soo can you.
 
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