08/25/2011
It’s hard to often reflect upon one’s self and life. Maybe that’s one of the reasons that I have been reluctant to collect my thoughts on paper. I believe that when we really sincerely mean to get better, we often need to pursue our life in a certain order. For example, I lack a career and a professional goal. Thus, I must focus on that to make it happen. Do I ever lack a relationship? Well the answer is yes and no. No, in the sense of looking back at reality, I am always meeting new people….dating if I am not in a serious relationship. Yes, in the sense that I feel like I need someone so if I don’t have someone for a single day, I feel scared, I feel like I will never have a relationship…..therefore, relationships have been my focus in the past whether I like the fact or not…..It is what it is.
My thoughts about Jeff are jumbled. In one way, I feel bad for him, I worry, I feel like it’s taking forever till his court date. In another way, I can’t want something bad to happen to him, not too bad, but something that will make him need me, beg me back. Or maybe just have a minute to say “I fucked up too”…. “It could have worked but it didn’t for many reasons……and they are not all because she decided to act crazy.” Yes, I understand that although he is really bad for me, I still feel like I got left behind, that I got left unwanted. Everyone that cares about me views such rejection as a true blessing but me. It all depends, I know what’s bad for me at heart but at times my mind becomes cloudy. I know I can’t help myself but to fall back in my old ways at times without even noticing so I try not to have such triggers in the front of my eyes.
For example, it would be nice to post my blog and share it with the world. However, I would want to post it in such a way that Jeff would be able to see it. Thus, it won’t be true I need to edit that part out of which I feel like I want something bad to happen to him. It’s hard to not wanting to know how he feels about this situation but upon reviewing the past, honestly, I will find out in time. It is really good that we both are not going out of our ways to contact each other.
Do I know what will happen between us two? To be honest, No………
His relationship has surprised me in different ways. We sometimes unite for odd reasons. Do I think we need to be a part right now? Absoultely…………..there is not not a doubt in my heart that tells me that that’s the healthiest thing to do. Do I believe that “He will comeback if he is meant to be mine” Well, I want to believe that but honestly not right now. It is not healthy……I have to move on from the whole thing. Do I know what’s going to happen in a couple of years? No, shit I don’t even know what’s going to happen in a couple of days or a couple of weeks. Life changes in funny ways, it suprises you sometimes. However for us to not be surprised, we can plan ahead. So, for us not have contact and make everything turn upside down like it has in the past, I stay away from him all together. Can I get in touch with him? Yes, I have proved it many times in the past to my ego, it helps because I don’t need to prove it again and again and again. But part of the reasons of why things got bad in the past because I tried “too much”…..”too hard”.
11:48 AM…….I got to start looking for jobs….I have to be clear and focused on what my intentions really are and my goals. If I want to find a job, I need to stop focusing on a relationship writing about it. After all, doing the right thing and doing what we say we are going to do is the ultimate way to build self-esteem. Which is exactly what I need to re-built to either hope that I will change my thoughts about the relationship with Jeff in the future or mature up in the years to come if I am ever meant to have interactions with him and whish to make something toxic to at least neutral.
12:58 PM
I am trying to attain therapy which is really healthy. Yes I feel in a kinda of way that I cheated Jeff thinking that I should have attained therapy when I went over there as he demanded. But here is why I don’t regret it? I don’t think that it was right that we were together right off the back. I mean I think he felt helpless when everything first went down thus asking me to move. Then as time revealed, our relationship is a mess……If I help him today then I end up hurting him tomorrow and thus it’s not right. Do I think that he should just at the drop of a hate want me to be with him and then dismiss it at a drop of a hate as well? Well, No that’s not right. It’s not fair for me. But then again, I am in control over how other people treat me….I don’t have to run to him. I actually think part of loving him or caring for him is realizing my capabilities right now. I am no good to him at the present time. I think the same things are repeating over and over and it’s not fair. Although the relationship is not physically abusive well its an emotional mess. It takes a toll on one’s self-esteem and focus over primary things.
While trying to attain counseling, I have observed the following article:
Are you planning on leaving your partner?
What is your plan? How and when can you most safely leave? Do you have transportation, money and a place to go? What are you waiting for?
Inform people you trust about your plan and allow them to help you. Consider alternative plans if you have to leave prior to their scheduled leave date.
Make sure you have a safe place to go; somewhere where someone is supportive and the abuser does not know about (shelter, relative, hidden apartment, etc.).
Who will you tell and not tell about leaving? Who in your support network do you trust?
Pack a bag and keep it in an undisclosed but accessible place (either at home, at a friend or neighbor's house, or at work) in order to leave quickly.
How will you travel safely to and from work, or to school to pick up the children?
Seek legal advice so that you know what they can and cannot do, and what you can and cannot have. (i.e. Can you take the car? Can you take the children to another state?)
It is important to see your life first and their possessions second.
If possible, open a bank account or hide money to establish or increase independence (i.e. tell the abuser you paid $40 for a coat you bought for $10).
Leave money, an extra set of keys, copies of important documents, and extra clothes with someone you trust so you can leave quickly.
Some items you want to consider having available: birth certificates, social security cards, marriage and driver's license, car title, bank account number, credit and/or ATM cards, savings account information, lease agreements, house deed, mortgage papers, insurance information and forms, school and health records, welfare or immigration documents, medications and prescriptions, divorce papers or other court documents, phone numbers/addresses for family/friends/community agencies, clothing and comfort items for them and their children, extra keys.
Then I was like, holly shit. I have done all these things down to the point leaving and walking away from this relationship. Was I actually in an abusive relationship?
I think it was harmful to both parties involved. While I was the predator at times, I was also an abuser too. Thus, we ended up together abusing each other. I feel a lot of guilt but how shall I feel guilty if I continue hurting someone? Well the best decision I have made is to leave all together.
I feel like I got placed in a witness protection program……I am on the run. I opened a new account, got a new license, moved to a new state that I never imagined could be in. I changed my phone number with very few people that know it. I am keeping a really low profile. Do I think he will hurt me? Not him but the people around him.
My life actually got threatened by his family, it was in danger. I have never received phone calls to disappear from anyone before. I don’t know that he is evil or seeks revenge, not now at least anyways. But again, it’s best to leave each other right now. Improving myself and focusing clearly on what I want and my intentions and if what I am doing is reflecting what I am saying is more important than any other time in my life.
Eliminating us from each other’s life at this time is truly reflecting love and care from both sides. It’s never easy to do the right thing but it feels good when you do carry through. I wish I listened but then again, I can do what’s in my control right now. That’s taking responsibility. There has got to be a time when I actually take responsibility, I can’t just sit and accept that my current circumstances are a result of the past, meanwhile, I keep validating on the reoccurrence pattern by just doing nothing.
The first part of my 12-step program is identifies that accepting is your addiction is outside your control but receiving help is. And honestly, the addiction was out of my control.
It’s okay to experience self-doubt and withdrawal….that’s the fear part that keeps us in the addiction.
Anyway, it took me a while to consider the journaling aspect of what I am experiencing but again it allows me to explore my next-thought process. Doing nothing about my initial feelings even sharing them with myself was prohibiting me from moving on.
1
It’s hard to often reflect upon one’s self and life. Maybe that’s one of the reasons that I have been reluctant to collect my thoughts on paper. I believe that when we really sincerely mean to get better, we often need to pursue our life in a certain order. For example, I lack a career and a professional goal. Thus, I must focus on that to make it happen. Do I ever lack a relationship? Well the answer is yes and no. No, in the sense of looking back at reality, I am always meeting new people….dating if I am not in a serious relationship. Yes, in the sense that I feel like I need someone so if I don’t have someone for a single day, I feel scared, I feel like I will never have a relationship…..therefore, relationships have been my focus in the past whether I like the fact or not…..It is what it is.
My thoughts about Jeff are jumbled. In one way, I feel bad for him, I worry, I feel like it’s taking forever till his court date. In another way, I can’t want something bad to happen to him, not too bad, but something that will make him need me, beg me back. Or maybe just have a minute to say “I fucked up too”…. “It could have worked but it didn’t for many reasons……and they are not all because she decided to act crazy.” Yes, I understand that although he is really bad for me, I still feel like I got left behind, that I got left unwanted. Everyone that cares about me views such rejection as a true blessing but me. It all depends, I know what’s bad for me at heart but at times my mind becomes cloudy. I know I can’t help myself but to fall back in my old ways at times without even noticing so I try not to have such triggers in the front of my eyes.
For example, it would be nice to post my blog and share it with the world. However, I would want to post it in such a way that Jeff would be able to see it. Thus, it won’t be true I need to edit that part out of which I feel like I want something bad to happen to him. It’s hard to not wanting to know how he feels about this situation but upon reviewing the past, honestly, I will find out in time. It is really good that we both are not going out of our ways to contact each other.
Do I know what will happen between us two? To be honest, No………
His relationship has surprised me in different ways. We sometimes unite for odd reasons. Do I think we need to be a part right now? Absoultely…………..there is not not a doubt in my heart that tells me that that’s the healthiest thing to do. Do I believe that “He will comeback if he is meant to be mine” Well, I want to believe that but honestly not right now. It is not healthy……I have to move on from the whole thing. Do I know what’s going to happen in a couple of years? No, shit I don’t even know what’s going to happen in a couple of days or a couple of weeks. Life changes in funny ways, it suprises you sometimes. However for us to not be surprised, we can plan ahead. So, for us not have contact and make everything turn upside down like it has in the past, I stay away from him all together. Can I get in touch with him? Yes, I have proved it many times in the past to my ego, it helps because I don’t need to prove it again and again and again. But part of the reasons of why things got bad in the past because I tried “too much”…..”too hard”.
11:48 AM…….I got to start looking for jobs….I have to be clear and focused on what my intentions really are and my goals. If I want to find a job, I need to stop focusing on a relationship writing about it. After all, doing the right thing and doing what we say we are going to do is the ultimate way to build self-esteem. Which is exactly what I need to re-built to either hope that I will change my thoughts about the relationship with Jeff in the future or mature up in the years to come if I am ever meant to have interactions with him and whish to make something toxic to at least neutral.
12:58 PM
I am trying to attain therapy which is really healthy. Yes I feel in a kinda of way that I cheated Jeff thinking that I should have attained therapy when I went over there as he demanded. But here is why I don’t regret it? I don’t think that it was right that we were together right off the back. I mean I think he felt helpless when everything first went down thus asking me to move. Then as time revealed, our relationship is a mess……If I help him today then I end up hurting him tomorrow and thus it’s not right. Do I think that he should just at the drop of a hate want me to be with him and then dismiss it at a drop of a hate as well? Well, No that’s not right. It’s not fair for me. But then again, I am in control over how other people treat me….I don’t have to run to him. I actually think part of loving him or caring for him is realizing my capabilities right now. I am no good to him at the present time. I think the same things are repeating over and over and it’s not fair. Although the relationship is not physically abusive well its an emotional mess. It takes a toll on one’s self-esteem and focus over primary things.
While trying to attain counseling, I have observed the following article:
Are you planning on leaving your partner?
What is your plan? How and when can you most safely leave? Do you have transportation, money and a place to go? What are you waiting for?
Inform people you trust about your plan and allow them to help you. Consider alternative plans if you have to leave prior to their scheduled leave date.
Make sure you have a safe place to go; somewhere where someone is supportive and the abuser does not know about (shelter, relative, hidden apartment, etc.).
Who will you tell and not tell about leaving? Who in your support network do you trust?
Pack a bag and keep it in an undisclosed but accessible place (either at home, at a friend or neighbor's house, or at work) in order to leave quickly.
How will you travel safely to and from work, or to school to pick up the children?
Seek legal advice so that you know what they can and cannot do, and what you can and cannot have. (i.e. Can you take the car? Can you take the children to another state?)
It is important to see your life first and their possessions second.
If possible, open a bank account or hide money to establish or increase independence (i.e. tell the abuser you paid $40 for a coat you bought for $10).
Leave money, an extra set of keys, copies of important documents, and extra clothes with someone you trust so you can leave quickly.
Some items you want to consider having available: birth certificates, social security cards, marriage and driver's license, car title, bank account number, credit and/or ATM cards, savings account information, lease agreements, house deed, mortgage papers, insurance information and forms, school and health records, welfare or immigration documents, medications and prescriptions, divorce papers or other court documents, phone numbers/addresses for family/friends/community agencies, clothing and comfort items for them and their children, extra keys.
Then I was like, holly shit. I have done all these things down to the point leaving and walking away from this relationship. Was I actually in an abusive relationship?
I think it was harmful to both parties involved. While I was the predator at times, I was also an abuser too. Thus, we ended up together abusing each other. I feel a lot of guilt but how shall I feel guilty if I continue hurting someone? Well the best decision I have made is to leave all together.
I feel like I got placed in a witness protection program……I am on the run. I opened a new account, got a new license, moved to a new state that I never imagined could be in. I changed my phone number with very few people that know it. I am keeping a really low profile. Do I think he will hurt me? Not him but the people around him.
My life actually got threatened by his family, it was in danger. I have never received phone calls to disappear from anyone before. I don’t know that he is evil or seeks revenge, not now at least anyways. But again, it’s best to leave each other right now. Improving myself and focusing clearly on what I want and my intentions and if what I am doing is reflecting what I am saying is more important than any other time in my life.
Eliminating us from each other’s life at this time is truly reflecting love and care from both sides. It’s never easy to do the right thing but it feels good when you do carry through. I wish I listened but then again, I can do what’s in my control right now. That’s taking responsibility. There has got to be a time when I actually take responsibility, I can’t just sit and accept that my current circumstances are a result of the past, meanwhile, I keep validating on the reoccurrence pattern by just doing nothing.
The first part of my 12-step program is identifies that accepting is your addiction is outside your control but receiving help is. And honestly, the addiction was out of my control.
It’s okay to experience self-doubt and withdrawal….that’s the fear part that keeps us in the addiction.
Anyway, it took me a while to consider the journaling aspect of what I am experiencing but again it allows me to explore my next-thought process. Doing nothing about my initial feelings even sharing them with myself was prohibiting me from moving on.
1