It feels different this time.

[phazoKnight]

So this has been an extremely rough patch for me. I'd been struggling in school--university to be exact--and eventually noticed I had a very hard time reading and focusing (I blame my depression for that) on the material I was assigned. I came to the conclusion I needed something to assist me with that. That's when I turned to what I thought I could function on: speed, ice, crank, dope--it was all the same. I quickly jumped from smoking to slamming.
I had begun using minute amounts (half a point), but it quickly escalated to a quarter of a gram...I eventually lost track and was just using how much I felt I needed (a shot every 7 hours within a three-day time frame).

After a dysphoric psychotic break, I figured I could cut down the amount I was using, if not for good. I didn't realize it was a problem until I started noticing how strong the cravings had become. My longest time clean was 40-50 days before I unfortunately relapsed. It took a toll on me. I was psychologically craving it; I was very low on energy, I excessively slept and it felt extremely uncomfortable being in my own skin (like I felt naked and dirty all the time). Then I slowly started noticing how my depression wasn't getting any better, despite how long I'd been taking my antidepressant/SSRI (Lexapro). I soon saw myself not being able to get away from syringes containing this crap--it made it all go away temporarily, with unpleasant repurcussions (withdrawal). One relapse after the other.

I lost two quarters of my education, connection with almost everyone I knew (save for three roommates I live with and my partner), and six months of work. And, surprisingly, the last time I used I actually didn't really enjoy it--I had become disenchanted. I don't know what it is. Maybe my not wanting to use it anymore? It's screwed me over.

Now I am 11 days clean and sober from all drugs, including alcohol, and I want to keep it that way. I'm taking Wellbutrin SR (bupropion hydrochoride sustained-release) and have been taking it for a week or so. It still feels rough on me. This is the longest I've been without craving it and I'm worried about another relapse. I want peace again.

 

[Captain.Heroin]

Congratulations on your 11 days.

Keep up the great work

 

[Andy A]

11 days - thats great. Keep that in mind that you didn't enjoy the last one and hang in there. A lot of us have gone through tough wd's. and know how you feel. Be strong and determined to get clean. It can be done.

 

[caseface99]

As others have said, 11 days is great! It's no small feat. It may be difficult for a time but things will get better. One day you will wake up and realize that you can be happy without drugs. The drugs never made you happy anyway, they only give you a temporary synthetic euphoria. And while you didn't enjoy your last time using, don't use that as a reason to use "one more time". One more time simply doesn't exist, it's a fantasy. It's not like you're going to use one more time and it will be the ultimate high and your life will be complete - no... you will use one more time, and then want to use again.

The wlebutrin may in fact help a bit with the cravings, I was never hardcore into stimulants myself but I've taken welbutrin before while in recovery to uninhibited by any other substances and noticed quite a stimulating effect from it initially, besides that I've also read about it being prescribed for amphetamine craving.


Anyway, hang in there! Get as much support as you can, and over time perhaps try to slowly rebuild the connections with people that you've lost. I know it can feel demoralizing to have burned so many bridges while using, I've been there - but I've also learned that many bridges can be rebuilt, with time and honesty.

Keep it up!

 

[phazoKnight]

See, I always fall for that "one more time" pretext because I covertly try to convince myself that it behooves me to have to use one more time because I "didn't get the stimulation I needed," or some bullshit reason like that. Then it quickly brings about the idea that I can control it.

Does desperately wanting to have an orderly, stable life (to the best of my abilities) mean having to quit for good? I've heard that I shouldn't create a self-fulfilling prophecy for myself and to just live the control in the moment; however, I have almost zero impulse control when it comes to desperately wanting to feel energized/euphoric/alive, etc., and a relapse feels almost unpredictable until I see myself using. The first few months I was using had me actually feeling almost "liberated" from the skin I'm in. But I guess I can never experience that feeling again?

And rebuilding bridges seems particularly challenging to me because of the shame and guilt I have over having lost all those connections--I know why it happened and I've been advised not to explain myself. Does that mean having to cover up a lot of the truth? I apologize for the questions, but I guess I'm now realizing the questions that make it somewhat challenging for me to stay clean.

Anyway, thanks for the feedback, guys! It still feels fairly difficult, but I have a small bit of faith that I can reach a year of clean time. %)

 

[phactor]

I am a Master rationalizer/intellectualizer (actually my disease/addiction is).. I can use anything to rationalize a "one more time". Its why I personally have to go to NA and have a sponsor and others like an addiction specialist whom I can bounce ideas off of and say "does this sound like it makes sense"? Often they can reframe my thinking quickly.

Its often hard for addicts, because our obsessiveness when used correctly provides tremendous drive. We are often quite good at many tasks, but we tend to use so much that we become essentially unable to function.

---

"And rebuilding bridges seems particularly challenging to me because of the shame and guilt I have over having lost all those connections--I know why it happened and I've been advised not to explain myself. Does that mean having to cover up a lot of the truth? I apologize for the questions, but I guess I'm now realizing the questions that make it somewhat challenging for me to stay clean."

Who advised you to do this?

When I got clean the first time, I made a huge deal out of it. Guess what? I eventually used and disappointed lots of people. This time I have been much quieter about it, focusing on myself. Word is starting to get out a bit, but that is okay. I am fine with that. I am starting to get calls from people using asking "how are you doing it?". I explain it to them and tell them when they are ready to try to call me.

"I have a small bit of faith that I can reach a year of clean time."

What are your plans after that year? I was clean for over a year, though I could "have some beers occasionally".. needless to say for me that did not work.

 

[Captain.Heroin]

Does desperately wanting to have an orderly, stable life (to the best of my abilities) mean having to quit for good? I've heard that I shouldn't create a self-fulfilling prophecy for myself and to just live the control in the moment; however, I have almost zero impulse control when it comes to desperately wanting to feel energized/euphoric/alive, etc., and a relapse feels almost unpredictable until I see myself using. The first few months I was using had me actually feeling almost "liberated" from the skin I'm in. But I guess I can never experience that feeling again?

You didn't have the feeling in the first place. It was an illusion.

To have truly attained something positive from it, you wouldn't have to keep using. What you were going through is active avoidance, which is negative reinforcement. This is why you felt compelled to keep using. There is something negative in your life that you are otherwise not coping with at all. It could be a mental disorder, or a part of your life like friends/family/school/exercise. By creating a need (addiction) and being able to continue the behavior (using/relapsing) you are giving yourself the sensation of being in control. The same applies for people with eating disorders.

What you're going through is challenging, but you will have to take care of the problems you don't feel in control of in order to avoid becoming stuck in a loop of active avoidance.

So yes I would say for the best possible stable life, you have to quit using meth all together. I accepted I had to quit using heroin and suboxone to be ultimately happy and I am glad I did. It has allowed me to see what problems I was actively avoiding in my life. Because of this I am happier because I have been able to work on my problems (PTSD, flashbacks, panic, depression) and as a result I am happier than I ever could have been while using.

I also realize I am not perfect and me thinking "oh I can use again" = I know I will fall into the same problem as I won't feel in need of actually working on my psychological problems.

Any sensation of happiness or euphoria I had from suboxone/heroin was temporary. There never was "one last time" and never will be. I know if I got a hold of Suboxone I would shoot the whole thing over many days and I would end up feeling like "where's the next one?". Because I know this and accept it, I have been able to get 172 days off Suboxone (no opiates at all).

 

[Captain.Heroin]

Amphetamine: The Drug You Learn to Hate

I also wanted to post this from a thread in OD.

Stage 5 of Amphetamine Use, The Procrastination - This Stage may or may not be experienced by amphetamine users. In this stage, the positive effects of amphetamine are almost absent if not completely gone, and the "coming up" of a dose of amphetamine is subsequently followed by an immediate barrage of negative effects (both physiological and psychological). The reason this phase is called "The Procrastination" is because the user forgets how unbearable the negative sensations are (due to amphetamine compromising the brain's ability to efficiently make memories, especially goal-orientated memories); by the next day, even though the user may have told himself to not take amphetamine, he takes amphetamine again anyways (due to the brain not being able to make a goal-orientated memory, the brain was unable to produce counter-motivation to stop the user from taking more amphetamine the next day). This might possibly be the most psychologically painful and strenuous phase for the amphetamine user, since he is unable to figure out why he keeps taking amphetamine even though he clearly knows it only causes him pain.

Characteristic Effects:
- Repeatedly taking amphetamine despite knowledge that it no longer gives the desired effects, and only causes negative effects.

Stage 6 of Amphetamine Use, Irritability and Pessimism - This phase is characterized by extreme irritability. The user begins forgetting the drug is responsible for his negative feelings, and begins to blame things in the environment around them instead. The user begins to think that other people are responsible for how poorly he/she feels. The user might show hostility, or social withdrawal. The user also begins to develop an extremely pessimistic attitude towards life.

Characteristic Effects of this Stage:
- Acute Depression
- Severe Anxiety
- Irritability, even when the drug is out of the user's system
- Psychosis
- Inability to Sleep
- Severe Restlessness
- lack of willpower
- Inability to find "the right choice of words"
- Obsessive Thinking

Stage 7 of Amphetamine use, Nihilism and Dissociation - During this phase, incidences of psychosis begin to emerge (if they haven't already) even if the drug user has been maintaining an adequate amount of sleep. The user usually becomes nihilistic, thinking that nothing in life matters or has meaning. Some users may even become solipsistic, which means they think that they are the only things which are real in the world. Solipsism is often accompanied by paranoia, or thinking that others only have the intention of harming the solipsistic individual. If the user had obtained any philosophical or metacognitive methods of thinking during the earlier stages of amphetamine use, those same metacognitive methods begin to eat away at the person's psyche. They feel as if they are helpless to do anything besides sit back and watch their mind become unravelled. Even if the user realizes that his irritable attitude towards other people isn't how he truly feels, he is unable to manage his irritability (most likely due to a complete diminishment of serotonin, as well as the brain's ability to make memories being compromised). The individual's ego may begin to deconstruct itself, and the user may have a feeling that they completely lack any willpower to do anything. This stage is also accompanied by a large amount of confusion.

Characteristic Effects of this stage:
- Confusion
- Paranoia
- Unbearable Depression and Anxiety
- Delusions
- Increased Incidences of Psychosis
- Increasingly Painful Body Load
- Lack of willpower
- Cognition become confusing and incoherent. Users often claim things like their mind is "too loud", "jumping to false conclusions", or "doesn't make sense" and the user feels helpless to control this.
- Panic Attacks become very prominent
- Feelings of Deja Vu
- If weight loss was experienced in beginning stages, it may come to a hault or even reverse into weight gain
- Inability to experience pleasure
- Akathisia
- Feelings that an individual no longer has "free will"
- Difficult to form coherent sentences and speak properly. Similar to "Clanging" or "Word Salad" experienced in schizophrenics.

Stage 7b "Letting Go / Giving Up" - This stage is not always experienced, but in some instances after the user has experienced an excruciating and unbearable amount of anxiety and mental stress, he may experience a period of "Letting Go" in which the brain gives up on constructing/maintaining its deluded psychological structures. The negative effects of the drug temporarily fade, and the user has a "moment of peace". This temporary phase usually only lasts several hours (if not less) before the user returns to phase 7. Since the brain during this phase has completely abandoned any attempts to make goal orientated behaviour, the user may find it difficult (or simply not want to) to take care of themselves. However, during this phase, the user will find that they will actually be able to get to sleep, and they should take advantage of this temporary somnia to get sleep. I do not know what neurological mechanisms are responsible for this phase; it is almost as if it is the brain's last resort - to enter a careless and stressless stupor. Perhaps the brain releases endorphins in response to the unbearable anxiety?

Characteristic Effects:
- Stupor
- Irresponsiveness
- Carelessness
- Ironically, if effects of "word salad" or "clanging" were experienced in stage 7, they are no longer as present in stage 7b.

Stage 8, "The Stupor", Brain Damage - In this stage, amphetamine no longer gives effects, and the brain's desire for taking amphetamine (even if taking it has become a habit) begins to drop. As long as amphetamine use continues, the user makes no progress towards recovery of any sort. The individual is unresponsive and disconnected. Amphetamine has a tendency to make the user put too much effort into anything/everything, and this gives the brain not a single moment of psychological "rest" (where the individual doesn't think deeply). However, during this phase, it is quite the opposite - the individual's mind is in a prolonged state of resting and won't even follow through with the very act of thinking if the thought takes too much effort to think. During this phase, the user may have a steep decline in intelligence.

Characteristic Effects:
- Prolonged episodes of stupor and carelessness
- Lethargy
- Diminished Intelligence and mental efficiency
- Irreversible Psychological Damage
- Possible brain damage
- The individual may develop a "permanent stuttering" which persists even after amphetamine has long since been ceased.
- In a similar way that the stuttering develops, an individual may develop a possible permanent difficulty talking, using correct grammar and sentence structure, or expressing thoughts to others. In severe cases, this may even resemble a schizophrenic's clanging or word salad.
- Essentially, the mind at this point is irreversibly compromised. The user's personality might have changed permanently. The individual may be much more easily irritated for the rest of his/her life. Cognitive functioning will never work the same as it used to. Although the user may make improvements and greatly recover, it will almost always seem like something "isn't right" in the mind, or that something is "missing". Individuals will still be able to lead fulfilling lives, and some may make amazing recoveries where they feel normal again like they did before they ever began using. Unfortunately, in severe cases, the individual may never be the same again.

This is the best description of the endgame of meth addiction.

I have experienced parts of 5 and 6, and in general, I would like to say that most people I know who have used have gotten there too, some have gone to 7 and 8.

 

[phazoKnight]

Who advised you to do this?

When I got clean the first time, I made a huge deal out of it. Guess what? I eventually used and disappointed lots of people. This time I have been much quieter about it, focusing on myself. Word is starting to get out a bit, but that is okay. I am fine with that. I am starting to get calls from people using asking "how are you doing it?". I explain it to them and tell them when they are ready to try to call me.

I admitted myself to an outpatient program after having done a week of inpatient (same hospital). During one group/class at the outpatient program, we were talking about "burned bridges" and the connections that were affected by our drug use. One patient talked about how his drug addiction lead to him having to leave his job. After some time being in recovery, he wanted to return to the same job but didn't know how to bring up the drug use. At the same time, he lost connection with a lot of friends and didn't know how to explain what he went through without bringing up his addiction. The counselor pointed out that in those cases he didn't have to explain himself. She explained that most of his experience was his business and that "no one else has to know about his drug use," and the only thing he could do was try to re-establish his connections by focusing on his recovery rather than looking back at what happened during his addiction.

I'm not sure about what I have to say to these people; as far as they know, I've been MIA for the past five months. I've run into some of them while I had to take care of some paperwork with the university (I had to withdraw from two quarters of classes to be able to do the inpatient/outpatient programs) and I had no idea what to say to them, other than a small, awkward gesture of a "hello."

And I have no idea what to do by the time next year arrives. Hopefully still have the willpower to stay clean.

So yes I would say for the best possible stable life, you have to quit using meth all together. I accepted I had to quit using heroin and suboxone to be ultimately happy and I am glad I did. It has allowed me to see what problems I was actively avoiding in my life. Because of this I am happier because I have been able to work on my problems (PTSD, flashbacks, panic, depression) and as a result I am happier than I ever could have been while using.

I also realize I am not perfect and me thinking "oh I can use again" = I know I will fall into the same problem as I won't feel in need of actually working on my psychological problems.

Thank you, Captain, for your input and additional information. I find it fairly difficult to deal with my life because of my severe depression and tendency to withdraw altogether. Maybe I do have a lot to work on, despite everything I truthfully tried to avoid. I don't know if I can have full control over this addiction, but I do know that I don't want my life in shambles.

 

[Captain.Heroin]

How's it going phazoKnight?

 

[phactor]

I admitted myself to an outpatient program after having done a week of inpatient (same hospital). During one group/class at the outpatient program, we were talking about "burned bridges" and the connections that were affected by our drug use. One patient talked about how his drug addiction lead to him having to leave his job. After some time being in recovery, he wanted to return to the same job but didn't know how to bring up the drug use. At the same time, he lost connection with a lot of friends and didn't know how to explain what he went through without bringing up his addiction. The counselor pointed out that in those cases he didn't have to explain himself. She explained that most of his experience was his business and that "no one else has to know about his drug use," and the only thing he could do was try to re-establish his connections by focusing on his recovery rather than looking back at what happened during his addiction.

That is great advice!

Also, I should have clarified these calls are coming from using friends.

I did have to tell one job I was in recovery and they had to stop scheduling me at night (which they were not supposed to do in the first place). I am thinking about quitting that job because its starting to feel unhealthy.

Hope you are doing well and good on you for attending outpatient.