Lightning-Nl
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Nov 11, 2012
- Messages
- 1,245
Let me start off by saying that my background is beyond complicated. I can't adequately explain it without writing out a novel. So I'll talk about the now...
Things are not good at home right now. I can't really explain why without making the situation sound worse than it is. I'm not physically abused (at least, not currently), nor have I ever been sexually abused (as far as I'm aware). However, my parents are, what I would call, mentally abusive.
Overall, I love my parents. I always have and I always will. They provide me with a roof over my head. Food to eat, and lots of material love. Most people would think I'm spoiled if they met me at my house but... I don't want 'things' I just want some sort of approval from my parents. They tell me they love me, that I'm the most important thing in the world to them (and that's what makes things so awful). They give me generous christmases, take me out to eat, and stuff like that, but they never give me any sort of appraisal and always degrade my self-esteem.
I always get yelled at for not doing things 100% right. It's really hard for me to focus on things and I can't really help it when I forget to do a specifical detail for something they asked me to do. And rather than say "Hey Zeke, you did a good job!" They focus entirely on what I got wrong. They can never tell me that I've done a good job and they always focus on the bad - "Why did you screw that up? What's wrong with you?"
In highschool I couldn't ever get homework done. It was just impossible for me (once I was medicated for ADHD, I finally started doing homework, but it would still take me a several hours a night to finish everything when most people would get everything done in just an hour or so). Obviously, I never got great grades in school. They would always tell me "Do you think you'll ever have a future with grades like these?! Do you want to homeless the rest of your life, Zeke?! Do you really think you have a future?! All you're going to be is a bum, Zeke."
But then, at other times, I can have a good laugh with my parents, and get along with them. It's not really fair to be honest. I don't understand why they have to make me unhappy if they're unhappy.
I'm diagnosed with PTSD for something that I'm not sure even happened. I have mood stability issues, extreme levels of anxiety, depression, etc. I've been diagnosed with ADHD in the past and Bipolar Disorder. Recently, I was pseudo-diagnosed with RLS and REM Sleep Movement Disorder (no official diagnosis was made because I'm unable to afford a sleep study) For years, my parents refused to have me on medication because they bought into all of the 'medication is bad for you' baloney.
It took a really long time, but they reluctantly allowed me to be on medication around 1 and 1/2 years ago. I was prescribed so many medications for sleep issues I've lost track. All of them just exacerbated my restlessness issues (all of the antihistamines, tricyclics, antipsychotics, etc) Eventually, after I was pseudo-diagnosed with REM sleep issues, I was tried on Ambien for a while. Which actually helped, but it wasn't the right fit. Now, I've ended up on the benzodiazepine Temazepam. I absolutely hate the fact that I have to be on a benzodiazepine just so I can sleep correctly - but for the time being it's helping.
I'm also currently on Lamotrigine for mood stabilization and depression and to prevent anxiety. For the times that I have panic attacks and episodes of overwhelming anxiety - I'm prescribed Ativan PRN. For my horrible attention and focus issues I'm prescribed Adderall.
Once again, I hate the fact that I'm on so many meds (especially three controlled substances), but they are helping when nothing else did. So that's been a huge help for me. But there's one problem, and it's one very big problem...
My parents leverage my meds against me. They insist on controlling them and give them to me when they want to. In order to get me to do things they want for them - they'll use my medication as leverage. Saying things like "Once you've cleaned the cat litter, taken out the trash, and washed the dishes - THEN I will give you your 'drugs' ." And that's the worse part about it - I'm already really self-concious about the fact that I need to be on meds to be able to function to any sort of extent and they just make it worse by making me feel like a drug addict for it.
Anyways, I'm totally stuck in this situation. I have no idea what to do, or if I should do anything at all. Ya know? My parent's degrade me for 'not succeeding in life' and not being good enough. But when I have to go through 3 hours of arguments just to get medications that are legitimately prescribed for medical diagnosis... I don't know what else they expect me to do! I mean, I'm REALLY trying. I have a job, I'm trying to save up money for school but when my parents make me feel worthless... it's hard to even get out of bed in the morning.
Anyways, I'm not sure if this is the right place to post this. But I thought that some insight might help...
Thanks to anyone who reads this
-Zeke
Things are not good at home right now. I can't really explain why without making the situation sound worse than it is. I'm not physically abused (at least, not currently), nor have I ever been sexually abused (as far as I'm aware). However, my parents are, what I would call, mentally abusive.
Overall, I love my parents. I always have and I always will. They provide me with a roof over my head. Food to eat, and lots of material love. Most people would think I'm spoiled if they met me at my house but... I don't want 'things' I just want some sort of approval from my parents. They tell me they love me, that I'm the most important thing in the world to them (and that's what makes things so awful). They give me generous christmases, take me out to eat, and stuff like that, but they never give me any sort of appraisal and always degrade my self-esteem.
I always get yelled at for not doing things 100% right. It's really hard for me to focus on things and I can't really help it when I forget to do a specifical detail for something they asked me to do. And rather than say "Hey Zeke, you did a good job!" They focus entirely on what I got wrong. They can never tell me that I've done a good job and they always focus on the bad - "Why did you screw that up? What's wrong with you?"
In highschool I couldn't ever get homework done. It was just impossible for me (once I was medicated for ADHD, I finally started doing homework, but it would still take me a several hours a night to finish everything when most people would get everything done in just an hour or so). Obviously, I never got great grades in school. They would always tell me "Do you think you'll ever have a future with grades like these?! Do you want to homeless the rest of your life, Zeke?! Do you really think you have a future?! All you're going to be is a bum, Zeke."
But then, at other times, I can have a good laugh with my parents, and get along with them. It's not really fair to be honest. I don't understand why they have to make me unhappy if they're unhappy.
I'm diagnosed with PTSD for something that I'm not sure even happened. I have mood stability issues, extreme levels of anxiety, depression, etc. I've been diagnosed with ADHD in the past and Bipolar Disorder. Recently, I was pseudo-diagnosed with RLS and REM Sleep Movement Disorder (no official diagnosis was made because I'm unable to afford a sleep study) For years, my parents refused to have me on medication because they bought into all of the 'medication is bad for you' baloney.
It took a really long time, but they reluctantly allowed me to be on medication around 1 and 1/2 years ago. I was prescribed so many medications for sleep issues I've lost track. All of them just exacerbated my restlessness issues (all of the antihistamines, tricyclics, antipsychotics, etc) Eventually, after I was pseudo-diagnosed with REM sleep issues, I was tried on Ambien for a while. Which actually helped, but it wasn't the right fit. Now, I've ended up on the benzodiazepine Temazepam. I absolutely hate the fact that I have to be on a benzodiazepine just so I can sleep correctly - but for the time being it's helping.
I'm also currently on Lamotrigine for mood stabilization and depression and to prevent anxiety. For the times that I have panic attacks and episodes of overwhelming anxiety - I'm prescribed Ativan PRN. For my horrible attention and focus issues I'm prescribed Adderall.
Once again, I hate the fact that I'm on so many meds (especially three controlled substances), but they are helping when nothing else did. So that's been a huge help for me. But there's one problem, and it's one very big problem...
My parents leverage my meds against me. They insist on controlling them and give them to me when they want to. In order to get me to do things they want for them - they'll use my medication as leverage. Saying things like "Once you've cleaned the cat litter, taken out the trash, and washed the dishes - THEN I will give you your 'drugs' ." And that's the worse part about it - I'm already really self-concious about the fact that I need to be on meds to be able to function to any sort of extent and they just make it worse by making me feel like a drug addict for it.
Anyways, I'm totally stuck in this situation. I have no idea what to do, or if I should do anything at all. Ya know? My parent's degrade me for 'not succeeding in life' and not being good enough. But when I have to go through 3 hours of arguments just to get medications that are legitimately prescribed for medical diagnosis... I don't know what else they expect me to do! I mean, I'm REALLY trying. I have a job, I'm trying to save up money for school but when my parents make me feel worthless... it's hard to even get out of bed in the morning.
Anyways, I'm not sure if this is the right place to post this. But I thought that some insight might help...
Thanks to anyone who reads this
-Zeke
