I lack excitement in my life today, and it appears that everyday is a sort of groundhog day: work, church, gym, meetings. Today is my Saturday, I have 11 months sober today, but am I happy about it? No. I am seriously considering relapsing.
I have fallen into this self-imposed prison of fear and anxiety which is keeping me in a state of doom and gloom. For example, 1) a friend wants to go do something, I decline because I somehow already know it won't be any fun so why do it. I've convinced myself that nothing is that fun to me anymore now that I'm sober, even though I know that's not true. I buy into my own bullshit so easily. Or, 2) I could go on a date but I feel such anxiety over it that if it is awkward or doesn't go well it might send me deeper into a downward spiral. Plus the wasted time and money, so I don't try. I play it safe. And playing it safe is sort of keeping me sick and in a state of untreated alcoholism. I have less problems today, but my world has become smaller and smaller and I am getting boxed in.
I use to be happy in recovery, but for whatever reason I end up alone in my room watching TV or playing video games. Then I will have a day where I force myself to get busy and accomplish tasks and do the things I don't want to and usually it's a pretty good day. But then the next day rolls around and I fall back into lazy apathy. People call/text me and I "cringe" and go back to sleep. I work graveyard shift so I do a lot of sleeping during the day which is depressing in itself. It confuses me because if there was something I wanted to do, you would think I would do it? All around me, on social media, etc. I see people doing stuff, traveling, making stuff, doing all kinds of **** and it makes me feel bad. It makes me feel less then and boring.
But literally nothing sounds fun except using opiates, sex, or getting drunk at the bars. 2 of those I can't do and the 3rd requires a level of effort I can't seem to muster up. I'm sort of face to face with my attitudes, my insecurities, and my low self-esteem, basically why drugs/alcohol were a solution for me in the first place.
I have stopped working on step 3, and I haven't followed the instructions others have given me to get me out of this funk. It's like I don't care anymore, I'm tired of it all. Yesterday I spent Thanksgiving alone (by choice) because I told myself it wouldn't matter. And it made me extremely depressed, what a surprise! Honestly I was entertaining the idea of taking my own life, and I would almost rather go that route before drinking/using again.
It's ironic to think how a year ago this time I was in bed listening to the committee in my head cause anxiety and negativity throughout my body. Dwelling on past mistakes, future fears, and a life completely off the rails. I was depressed then, I'm depressed now, the only difference is I was strung out then and had a monkey on my back. My sponsor tells me I'm right where I'm suppose to be but I don't believe him. I pray to a God for his will to be done in my life but at the end of the day I feel alone and missing out. Maybe the fear of failure has me paralyzed, I've spent days trying to figure out whats wrong with me and why I feel the way I do. I went to a Doctor and got on Anti-Depressants but it's been 6 weeks and they have only increased my anxiety. My negative thinking and outlook is going full-force, it's astonishing.
So given all that, whats to stop me from driving to the gas station this morning and grabbing a 12 pack. It's a rainy day and I could shut off my phone and play video games and drink like I use to for 12 years. If I'm going to be isolating and sad might as well have a drink in my hand. Whats to stop me from hitting my friends up and getting some drugs to breathe a sigh of relief and get that euphoria and oblivion I miss. At least that would make this weekend fun, more fun than I've had in the last 6 months.
If I had a good exit plan I would have already done it I suppose, but the idea of loosing everything again and hurting my family and disappointing my friends is keeping me sober, and miserable. I don't really expect any advice or words of encouragement, I'm writing this out mainly to just express where my mind has been going as of late.
I guess I have 3 options
1) change something (where does the motivation come from?)
2) suicide
3) relapse (slow suicide)
I have fallen into this self-imposed prison of fear and anxiety which is keeping me in a state of doom and gloom. For example, 1) a friend wants to go do something, I decline because I somehow already know it won't be any fun so why do it. I've convinced myself that nothing is that fun to me anymore now that I'm sober, even though I know that's not true. I buy into my own bullshit so easily. Or, 2) I could go on a date but I feel such anxiety over it that if it is awkward or doesn't go well it might send me deeper into a downward spiral. Plus the wasted time and money, so I don't try. I play it safe. And playing it safe is sort of keeping me sick and in a state of untreated alcoholism. I have less problems today, but my world has become smaller and smaller and I am getting boxed in.
I use to be happy in recovery, but for whatever reason I end up alone in my room watching TV or playing video games. Then I will have a day where I force myself to get busy and accomplish tasks and do the things I don't want to and usually it's a pretty good day. But then the next day rolls around and I fall back into lazy apathy. People call/text me and I "cringe" and go back to sleep. I work graveyard shift so I do a lot of sleeping during the day which is depressing in itself. It confuses me because if there was something I wanted to do, you would think I would do it? All around me, on social media, etc. I see people doing stuff, traveling, making stuff, doing all kinds of **** and it makes me feel bad. It makes me feel less then and boring.
But literally nothing sounds fun except using opiates, sex, or getting drunk at the bars. 2 of those I can't do and the 3rd requires a level of effort I can't seem to muster up. I'm sort of face to face with my attitudes, my insecurities, and my low self-esteem, basically why drugs/alcohol were a solution for me in the first place.
I have stopped working on step 3, and I haven't followed the instructions others have given me to get me out of this funk. It's like I don't care anymore, I'm tired of it all. Yesterday I spent Thanksgiving alone (by choice) because I told myself it wouldn't matter. And it made me extremely depressed, what a surprise! Honestly I was entertaining the idea of taking my own life, and I would almost rather go that route before drinking/using again.
It's ironic to think how a year ago this time I was in bed listening to the committee in my head cause anxiety and negativity throughout my body. Dwelling on past mistakes, future fears, and a life completely off the rails. I was depressed then, I'm depressed now, the only difference is I was strung out then and had a monkey on my back. My sponsor tells me I'm right where I'm suppose to be but I don't believe him. I pray to a God for his will to be done in my life but at the end of the day I feel alone and missing out. Maybe the fear of failure has me paralyzed, I've spent days trying to figure out whats wrong with me and why I feel the way I do. I went to a Doctor and got on Anti-Depressants but it's been 6 weeks and they have only increased my anxiety. My negative thinking and outlook is going full-force, it's astonishing.
So given all that, whats to stop me from driving to the gas station this morning and grabbing a 12 pack. It's a rainy day and I could shut off my phone and play video games and drink like I use to for 12 years. If I'm going to be isolating and sad might as well have a drink in my hand. Whats to stop me from hitting my friends up and getting some drugs to breathe a sigh of relief and get that euphoria and oblivion I miss. At least that would make this weekend fun, more fun than I've had in the last 6 months.
If I had a good exit plan I would have already done it I suppose, but the idea of loosing everything again and hurting my family and disappointing my friends is keeping me sober, and miserable. I don't really expect any advice or words of encouragement, I'm writing this out mainly to just express where my mind has been going as of late.
I guess I have 3 options
1) change something (where does the motivation come from?)
2) suicide
3) relapse (slow suicide)
