Is this depression, or how the normal person feels?

[Cloudsurfer]

I'll make it brief, I don't want to waste you guys-es time.



-I get annoyed and anxious when I am around friends. I usually feel pressured to be interesting and I hate it. I feel like I can't carry on a conversation because I have this bad feeling in the pit of my gut, and anyone who is talking to me I want them to go away. I prefer being alone. Basically people suck. One day out of the week I'll be in a good enough mood to want to talk to people.

-I have to force myself to do anything productive. Most of the time I don't end up doing anything. The only thing I don't feel like I'm forcing myself to do is go on the computer or eat.

-When I get up in the morning, even with 8 hour sleep, I feel like udder shit, and the thought of the day ahead makes me cringe.

-I have random bouts of suicidal thoughts (playing over various scenarios and ways of killing myself in my head) for some reason they make me feel a little better.

-My self image and body image is terrible. I basically feel like I'm a complete lose/failure/ugly/dumbass. I also hate the fact I'm homosexual.



Are people supposed to feel this way? Cause honestly if this is what its gunna be like for the rest of my life then I don't want to be alive for any length of time.

 

[Dave]

Sounds like depression to me. Along with underlying body issues (I can certainly sympathize) tied to a general self-loathing.

Fortunately, there are many ways to deal with it. I'd very strongly recommend seeing a psychologist; there are many excellent non-pharmaceutical treatments for depression and anxiety, and pharmaceutical treatments often act only to alleviate symptoms rather than treat the underlying cause. I've struggled with depression, anxiety, body dysmorphic disorder, and a host of smaller issues for most of my life, and the only lasting relief that I've been able to find came from seeing a psychologist. And I tried pretty well anything short of committing myself and other drastic medical interventions (like ECT).

The suicidal fantasies are a bit of maladaptive escapism. I've been there myself, and even made a few attempts many years ago. No matter how low you think you've sunken, there is someone, somewhere, who will be absolutely devastated if you were to do that. You don't have to live with depression, and to kill yourself because of it is to let the depression win.

 

[Cloudsurfer]

My parents sent me to see a psychiatrist 2 years ago, and it didn't seem to help at all. I basically got into my "what are you talking about I'm fine!" mode and bullshitted my way into making the lady think I was a well adjusted, healthy minded person. I'm uneducated in that field of work, could you tell me the difference between a psychologist and a psychiatrist?

 

[Cyc]

Psychiatrists have a medical degree can prescribe drugs. Psychologists can be just about anyone, but normally have a university degree or two in psychology.

This is a very simplified definition.

 

[Dave]

But it's about right. Psychologists usually need at least a master's in clinical psychology, and usually focus in a handful of techniques. They cannot prescribe medication, but can tell when it would be beneficial to try that route. Psychiatrists, as Cyc said, are MDs who have specialized in mental health issues, and will usually take a strictly medical view. This means that for them medication is often (but not always) the first, rather than last, line of defense.

Rapport with your mental health professional, regardless of which angle they're coming from, is vital. If you feel defensive, as I'm guessing that you did with your psychiatrist, then you won't be fully honest and the whole attempt will be futile. You need to be able to trust them with your deepest, darkest secrets, and if they're good they will be able to help you build and nurture that trust.

 

[burn out]

Everything you said describes me except for the last two. I don't think it's normal. I am trying to work on fixing it through spirituality and hopefully getting a girlfriend. I find that sex/cuddling with a girl is very enjoyable for me. I think much of why I always tend to be depressed is because ive never had a girlfriend and the biggest reason for that is that i don't really care to be around people a whole lot, i don't like going to parties or bars, even when i was an alcoholic i preffered to get wasted in the comfort of my own home vs going to some crowded bar.

Any, I see you are homosexual byut have you considered a relationship with another man then? It might help. I don't know where you stand spiritually, but I must tell you that my use of psychedelics, combined with daily prayer and the readings of spiritual texts has helped me a great deal. these things teach you not to look at life the way the majority of people look at it, but to look within yourself to find peace and happiness rather than trying to obtain it from experiences that can be had in the world. it is such a great relief to feel yolu can be happy without needing conditions to be met in the world. the only thing i have not been able to overcome yet, is the desire for a girl and this drives me crazy.

 

[Jabberwocky]

as the others have said, this sounds like depression. i view some of the symptoms you describe as both symptoms and a mechanism for the depression to propagate itself. i.e. social anciety leading to preferring isolation and feeling negatively about your self image and your sexuality.

has anyone ever said anything negative about the way you look or your sexuality? did you grow up in an evironment accepting of all people, or have people tried to condition you into homophobia? it is very sad to read someone hating their sexuality, i imagine it puts you off trying to have a relationship? i used to feel similarly to you around people all the time, and still do to an extent, and the one thing that has helped me the most socially is my boyf. i respect him too much for my brain to just slag him off for liking me, and knowing that the person who knows most about what an utter dick i can be, what stupid stuff i come out with at times, and how generally messed up i am, loves me, helps a lot. if the person who should like me the least likes me the most, then all the bollocks that comes with me can't be that bad. this is a very slow process, but i hope you feel able to give yourself a chance in this respect.

if you do seek help, and you could probably benefit from it, please don't write it off if it doesn't feel like it can cure you- though as has been said, if you have no rapport with your threapist, find another. i don't believe there really is a cure for these things but you can learn to cope with them and challenge your negative feelings, but again its a slow process and one you need to be ready for at the time. it will be worth researching the sorts of help available to you before commiting to anything- i've had a few types of therapy and engaged with some very well, and some barely.

finally, what you describe has been normal to me, and even in a far better state of mind the symptoms linger. but life always is, and always will be, worth living. even in the darkest places there can be small pleasures and rays of hope, IME they're fleeting then you beat yourself up about them, but that cannot detract from the initial respite.

 

[Cloudsurfer]

Thank you all for your knowledge and help. I am relieved to know that things can possibly be better then they are now. I guess I just gotten used to feeling like trash all the time.

 

[badfish45]

I always pondered that question for the longest time. At the end of the day, I decided even if that's how we're supposed to feel, we shouldnt' have to, and now everyday I make it my goal to rise above that feeling.

 

[herbavore]

Cloudsurfer, I love your name! I am sad to hear you say that you hate that you are homosexual. We all come into this world from different directions and while most cultures seem to treat heterosexuality as the norm that is irrelevant and ignorant. That would be like saying that one race is superior to another just because there are more of them! Honor your body and how it feels. Why do we even give names to this? All people are sexual---it is enough of a confusing business finding one's way through the world of sex and love without the added delineations we seem bent on putting on ourselves. I know it sounds trite to say but accepting yourself is an absolute requirement for feeling accepted by others.

Also, growing up gay in most cultures makes you far more susceptible to depression. Here is a website that might be helpful. Please know that there is acceptance and fulfillment and love out there for you. Work on loving yourself--just take baby steps if that's all you can do--because you are worth it even if you have internalized some terrible voice that says you are not.

 

[Cloudsurfer]

Cloudsurfer, I love your name! I am sad to hear you say that you hate that you are homosexual. We all come into this world from different directions and while most cultures seem to treat heterosexuality as the norm that is irrelevant and ignorant. That would be like saying that one race is superior to another just because there are more of them! Honor your body and how it feels. Why do we even give names to this? All people are sexual---it is enough of a confusing business finding one's way through the world of sex and love without the added delineations we seem bent on putting on ourselves. I know it sounds trite to say but accepting yourself is an absolute requirement for feeling accepted by others.

Also, growing up gay in most cultures makes you far more susceptible to depression. Here is a website that might be helpful. Please know that there is acceptance and fulfillment and love out there for you. Work on loving yourself--just take baby steps if that's all you can do--because you are worth it even if you have internalized some terrible voice that says you are not.

Thanks you the encouraging words .
My main reason I dislike being gay is the social stigma behind it, and the stereotype it puts on you. Many people also find the idea of being gay hilarious, which in turn makes me feel like one big punchline to a cruel joke. Thanks for the website too, you are very kind.

 

[badfish45]

Cloudsurfer, Herbavore speaks words of wisdom

Those people who laugh at homosexuality are not the people you should even care for. You shouldn't even care for their opinions. Clearly they have a lot of growing up to do, and you can consider yourself on top.

 

[Cloudsurfer]

Cloudsurfer, Herbavore speaks words of wisdom

Those people who laugh at homosexuality are not the people you should even care for. You shouldn't even care for their opinions. Clearly they have a lot of growing up to do, and you can consider yourself on top.

Many of my friends (that don't know I'm gay) are homophobic and make jokes constantly : /. I guess I need new friends. Still working on the whole not caring about others opinions, its a slow process.

 

[badfish45]

Go ahead and tell them. The ones that don't laugh or walk away are the ones who are your true friends. Most of it all comes from peer pressure and over-use of the word gay and I know for a fact I am guilty of it myself. teenagers often are ridiculed or called gay themselves for standing up in a group against it. Deep down most of them are actually against it, and they just haven't grown up to see how immature they are acting, mainly because none of them have been put in the position of having a homosexual person so close to them as a friend. Many of them don't understand it either. A common misconception is that you just hit on every guy you see, obviously this stereotype was derived from TV where the gay characters are often flaunt their sexuality. Many don't understand it's the same to you as it is to them for heterosexuality. It's all a question of ignorance. I know a kid who commented on a facebook article i read saying he hates all muslims, and he is VERY public about it, and he is also conservative and very chirstian, so it's safe to assume it all stems for his strong feelings about 9/11. I'm sure if he were to find out that one of his very good friends was Islamic, his perspective would change. If they make fun of you for it, then you'll know. Just remember....they're high schoolers. We're all a bunch of idiots.

 

[Charleston_Car]

the people that relentlessly mock others for simple differences are the real faggots imo

i bet ya a lot of the problems you're dealing with are kinda rooted in the whole self-loathing gay thing, and the high possibility of how your friends speak of homosexuality is influencing your view of yourself. i really believe that it's an important skill to be able to say "fuck'em" and not give it a second thought. like how badfish said above, if you do choose to tell them, the ones who don't care are the real friends. fuck everyone else, and fuck em hard

 

[CBRworm]

I'll make it brief, I don't want to waste you guys-es time.



-I get annoyed and anxious when I am around friends. I usually feel pressured to be interesting and I hate it. I feel like I can't carry on a conversation because I have this bad feeling in the pit of my gut, and anyone who is talking to me I want them to go away. I prefer being alone. Basically people suck. One day out of the week I'll be in a good enough mood to want to talk to people.

-I have to force myself to do anything productive. Most of the time I don't end up doing anything. The only thing I don't feel like I'm forcing myself to do is go on the computer or eat.

-When I get up in the morning, even with 8 hour sleep, I feel like udder shit, and the thought of the day ahead makes me cringe.

-I have random bouts of suicidal thoughts (playing over various scenarios and ways of killing myself in my head) for some reason they make me feel a little better.

-My self image and body image is terrible. I basically feel like I'm a complete lose/failure/ugly/dumbass. I also hate the fact I'm homosexual.



Are people supposed to feel this way? Cause honestly if this is what its gunna be like for the rest of my life then I don't want to be alive for any length of time.

I feel better than you, but I didn't used to. I no longer have suicidal thoughts and my self image has improved immensely since about 30.

Bu the rest of it sounds about right. Some people are like this. It probably is depression. I don't know what it is like to have a 'happy' life, I think a lot of people fake it. From the outside my life looks pretty good, and I have to admit it is not bad, but I still share many of your traits and have little tolerance for people, even close friends.

I just have never fit in anywhere. I think a lot of people probably feel this way

 

[itsok]

I think a lot of ppl feel that way sometimes, but not all the time. I guess their happy moments make life worth living. And of course, those feels u write about are a spectrum. I used to always be happy - so yes its possible for those shit feelings to not be normal. However, I know some ppl who have been like that for the majority of their life and yet they keep on living.

If u used a lot of drugs, if may take some kind of adjustment to feel better. some ppl need time, others need a relationship, others need nature, or a career, or a hobby. I definately don't feel great, but I am doing yoga 3x a week, working, and fucking trying to not be depressed and relapsing on h.

I have thought like u before when I am sober and doing everything right and still feeling shitty, but it does get better magically for almost everyone I know.

And cloudsurfer, being non-heterosexual is difficult in mainstream America, which is why most of my friends like in nyc or the bay area, places that are more accepting. it makes a difference when u see openly gay ppl as school principals, teachers, doctors, everything, and totally accepted as role models, mentors, and leaders.

 

[Seattle_Stranger]

Sounds rather familiar to me. I was much, much worse, am progressively improving but slowly. I find the biggest helpers were changes I made to my own life, pushing out any and all of the bad things that stress me out, and welcoming in all the things that I enjoy. I stopped talking to the 'friends' in my life that made me feel the same way you described (I just wanted them to go away) and formed closer friendships with the people that made me feel good about myself. I also evaluated all the things in my life that could easily be improved without upsetting my lifestyle or costing more money, requiring more work, etc.. For example, I had my own house which on paper sounds great, but it was an old house, lots of problems and was just overall dark, depressing and lonely, and expensive!! So I got together with two close friends and found an AWESOME house to share that was literally one block away from my place, and with roommates, it would cost me 1/3 of what I was paying to live in that shithole. So in the end, I improved my everyday quality of life by giving myself a MUCH more comfortable place to live, I always have friends nearby to keep me company, I have so many new amenities I could only dream about before, and all for ONE THIRD of the price I was paying in the first place! This triggered a huge leaf-turning in my life and from that point forward things have been improving every day.

Take inventory of your life, make a list of all the things that make you unhappy, and then make a list of all the things that do make you happy. Figure it out from there.

Good luck man, it ain't easy. JUST REMEMBER that you don't have to, and most likely won't spend the rest of your life feeling depressed.