xburtonchic
Bluelighter
- Joined
- May 17, 2011
- Messages
- 1,004
My ex recently broke up with me, if you can call it that. It was more like he one day just started pretending I didn't exist, and I was the last to know that it was over. He was always well aware that this is the one thing he could do that would absolutely KILL me - I have SERIOUS abandonment issues (I've heard from psychologists that it stems from being adopted, but meh) - and to me, it's seriously worse than cheating. I brought this up a few times because I knew that he had done this to his ex, but he always reassured me that he ONLY did that to her because she cheated on him... and unless I did that or relapsed, I had nothing to worry about. And besides, he would "never break up with me. The only way it's going to end is if you decide you're over it." Those are his words, not mine. I never cheated or relapsed, and he did it to me anyway. Just... out of the blue. For no reason. I didn't even see it coming. Turns out he was lying through his teeth the WHOLE FUCKING TIME.
It started with him beginning to avoid me, me catching him in small lies and what not, and him just acting different in general a few days before he cut me off entirely. I knew something was up, but I didn't think he would do THAT to me. I mean, at one point he was supposedly sooo in love with me... telling me he wanted to get married and have kids with me... I mean, hell, we had plans to move in together on the 18th! I was already looking for a job and had registered for school in the area we were moving to! It was THAT serious. I just can't believe he would have so little respect for me, and that he really never cared about me AT ALL, enough that he would do the one thing he knew would absolutely destroy me. On a Sunday, I finally brought up to him the way he had been acting... I told him to stop bullshitting, and to just tell me if he was over it. And he responded by just... not responding at all. That was two weeks ago, and I haven't heard one word from him since, despite numerous attempts to contact him via texts, phone calls, and Facebook.
I finally gave up, but I am absolutely heartbroken. I can't figure out what I did. I don't understand what was/is going through his head. I was so faithful and loyal and SUCH a good girlfriend to him... I didn't/don't deserve this. It's killing me. I need closure, but I will never get any. Worst of all, my trust for the opposite sex is just GONE. I told him early on in our relationship (when I first found out that he'd done this to his ex - he found someone else, and so he cut her off so he could be with the other girl) to just break up with me then and there if he even THOUGHT he might do the same thing to me... but that was just met with more reassurances and what I now know to be a huge game and a bunch of bullshit.
To make matters worse, he not only cut me off like he did to her... he literally did the EXACT SAME THING. He left me to be with another girl. I didn't find out until a few days ago, but he is happily taken, in a new relationship. He won't talk to me, but her friends have been Facebook stalking me and talking shit and telling me I need to "get over it" cuz he's moved on and that I need to do the same. FUCK. This whole thing is absolutely destroying me. I don't even know what to do. This has only happened to me one other time, and it took me literally four years to get over it, and I'm still not completely healed from it. I mean, I am, but it still affects the way I view relationships today... I have a really hard time trusting guys and an even harder time believing they won't abandon me. Now that it's happened again, I don't know if I will ever really be able to heal from it. I feel like in any future relationship I have (if I ever manage to even have one again), I'm just going to be afraid the whole time that he will abandon me. My trust is gone. My ability to love is wrecked. It's like he tore my heart out and when he walked away, he took what was left of me with him. I don't mean to sound all emo and cliche, but it's true. I just feel like a shell of a person. It's the worst feeling ever in the world... I'd rather kick heroin a million times over, cold turkey, than ever feel this way.
How can I move on without closure? I don't want to be alone forever. But it hurts SO much. I'm in so much pain, like constantly, it's like there is a hole in my chest and a knot in my stomach that never goes away. The pain is always fucking there. I'm so sad and crying at random times... and it doesn't seem to be getting better with time. I know it's only been two weeks, but surely it should have gotten at least a little bit better by now. I might even go as far as saying that I'm depressed... the pain is THAT bad. How do I heal from this? Any advice? Thanks...
It started with him beginning to avoid me, me catching him in small lies and what not, and him just acting different in general a few days before he cut me off entirely. I knew something was up, but I didn't think he would do THAT to me. I mean, at one point he was supposedly sooo in love with me... telling me he wanted to get married and have kids with me... I mean, hell, we had plans to move in together on the 18th! I was already looking for a job and had registered for school in the area we were moving to! It was THAT serious. I just can't believe he would have so little respect for me, and that he really never cared about me AT ALL, enough that he would do the one thing he knew would absolutely destroy me. On a Sunday, I finally brought up to him the way he had been acting... I told him to stop bullshitting, and to just tell me if he was over it. And he responded by just... not responding at all. That was two weeks ago, and I haven't heard one word from him since, despite numerous attempts to contact him via texts, phone calls, and Facebook.
I finally gave up, but I am absolutely heartbroken. I can't figure out what I did. I don't understand what was/is going through his head. I was so faithful and loyal and SUCH a good girlfriend to him... I didn't/don't deserve this. It's killing me. I need closure, but I will never get any. Worst of all, my trust for the opposite sex is just GONE. I told him early on in our relationship (when I first found out that he'd done this to his ex - he found someone else, and so he cut her off so he could be with the other girl) to just break up with me then and there if he even THOUGHT he might do the same thing to me... but that was just met with more reassurances and what I now know to be a huge game and a bunch of bullshit.
To make matters worse, he not only cut me off like he did to her... he literally did the EXACT SAME THING. He left me to be with another girl. I didn't find out until a few days ago, but he is happily taken, in a new relationship. He won't talk to me, but her friends have been Facebook stalking me and talking shit and telling me I need to "get over it" cuz he's moved on and that I need to do the same. FUCK. This whole thing is absolutely destroying me. I don't even know what to do. This has only happened to me one other time, and it took me literally four years to get over it, and I'm still not completely healed from it. I mean, I am, but it still affects the way I view relationships today... I have a really hard time trusting guys and an even harder time believing they won't abandon me. Now that it's happened again, I don't know if I will ever really be able to heal from it. I feel like in any future relationship I have (if I ever manage to even have one again), I'm just going to be afraid the whole time that he will abandon me. My trust is gone. My ability to love is wrecked. It's like he tore my heart out and when he walked away, he took what was left of me with him. I don't mean to sound all emo and cliche, but it's true. I just feel like a shell of a person. It's the worst feeling ever in the world... I'd rather kick heroin a million times over, cold turkey, than ever feel this way.
How can I move on without closure? I don't want to be alone forever. But it hurts SO much. I'm in so much pain, like constantly, it's like there is a hole in my chest and a knot in my stomach that never goes away. The pain is always fucking there. I'm so sad and crying at random times... and it doesn't seem to be getting better with time. I know it's only been two weeks, but surely it should have gotten at least a little bit better by now. I might even go as far as saying that I'm depressed... the pain is THAT bad. How do I heal from this? Any advice? Thanks...