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Is there any real way to move on without closure? (Abandonment issues)

xburtonchic

Bluelighter
Joined
May 17, 2011
Messages
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My ex recently broke up with me, if you can call it that. It was more like he one day just started pretending I didn't exist, and I was the last to know that it was over. He was always well aware that this is the one thing he could do that would absolutely KILL me - I have SERIOUS abandonment issues (I've heard from psychologists that it stems from being adopted, but meh) - and to me, it's seriously worse than cheating. I brought this up a few times because I knew that he had done this to his ex, but he always reassured me that he ONLY did that to her because she cheated on him... and unless I did that or relapsed, I had nothing to worry about. And besides, he would "never break up with me. The only way it's going to end is if you decide you're over it." Those are his words, not mine. I never cheated or relapsed, and he did it to me anyway. Just... out of the blue. For no reason. I didn't even see it coming. Turns out he was lying through his teeth the WHOLE FUCKING TIME.

It started with him beginning to avoid me, me catching him in small lies and what not, and him just acting different in general a few days before he cut me off entirely. I knew something was up, but I didn't think he would do THAT to me. I mean, at one point he was supposedly sooo in love with me... telling me he wanted to get married and have kids with me... I mean, hell, we had plans to move in together on the 18th! I was already looking for a job and had registered for school in the area we were moving to! It was THAT serious. I just can't believe he would have so little respect for me, and that he really never cared about me AT ALL, enough that he would do the one thing he knew would absolutely destroy me. On a Sunday, I finally brought up to him the way he had been acting... I told him to stop bullshitting, and to just tell me if he was over it. And he responded by just... not responding at all. That was two weeks ago, and I haven't heard one word from him since, despite numerous attempts to contact him via texts, phone calls, and Facebook.

I finally gave up, but I am absolutely heartbroken. I can't figure out what I did. I don't understand what was/is going through his head. I was so faithful and loyal and SUCH a good girlfriend to him... I didn't/don't deserve this. It's killing me. I need closure, but I will never get any. Worst of all, my trust for the opposite sex is just GONE. I told him early on in our relationship (when I first found out that he'd done this to his ex - he found someone else, and so he cut her off so he could be with the other girl) to just break up with me then and there if he even THOUGHT he might do the same thing to me... but that was just met with more reassurances and what I now know to be a huge game and a bunch of bullshit.

To make matters worse, he not only cut me off like he did to her... he literally did the EXACT SAME THING. He left me to be with another girl. I didn't find out until a few days ago, but he is happily taken, in a new relationship. He won't talk to me, but her friends have been Facebook stalking me and talking shit and telling me I need to "get over it" cuz he's moved on and that I need to do the same. FUCK. This whole thing is absolutely destroying me. I don't even know what to do. This has only happened to me one other time, and it took me literally four years to get over it, and I'm still not completely healed from it. I mean, I am, but it still affects the way I view relationships today... I have a really hard time trusting guys and an even harder time believing they won't abandon me. Now that it's happened again, I don't know if I will ever really be able to heal from it. I feel like in any future relationship I have (if I ever manage to even have one again), I'm just going to be afraid the whole time that he will abandon me. My trust is gone. My ability to love is wrecked. It's like he tore my heart out and when he walked away, he took what was left of me with him. I don't mean to sound all emo and cliche, but it's true. I just feel like a shell of a person. It's the worst feeling ever in the world... I'd rather kick heroin a million times over, cold turkey, than ever feel this way.

How can I move on without closure? I don't want to be alone forever. But it hurts SO much. I'm in so much pain, like constantly, it's like there is a hole in my chest and a knot in my stomach that never goes away. The pain is always fucking there. I'm so sad and crying at random times... and it doesn't seem to be getting better with time. I know it's only been two weeks, but surely it should have gotten at least a little bit better by now. I might even go as far as saying that I'm depressed... the pain is THAT bad. How do I heal from this? Any advice? Thanks...
 
Firstly, just me let me say how sorry I am that this happened to you. break ups are incredibly difficult things to go through but particularly when one person is an absolute arsehole about it.

I recently went through a similiar thing. A bit over two months I go I broke up with my girlfriend of over two years. She was cheating on me and she left the apartment we lived in for good 6 hours after I found out. I did get explanations from her but alot of them were lies. I've since cut contact completely.

It doesn't sound like your boyfriend has the maturity to provide you with a proper explanation and that is really difficult for you to go through. Do you have some mutual friends that you can ask? That might help answer some of your questions.

In terms of getting closure, I have found in my experience that has to come from you. It will take alot of time but eventually you will begin to care less about what happened and accept that this person was an arsehole who didn't treat you with the respect you deserved.

In the meantime, it is pretty normal to feel such intense negative emotions but they will also decrease in time. Just remember that not all men out there are arseholes and that not everyone will abandon you. There are plenty of good men out there who will try their best to treat their partners with respect and diginity. If you can, try and see this as a learning experience and avoid getting into a relationship with a person who has a history of just ditching their partners. Sadly, people rarely change their habits.

Other than that, keep yourself busy, try and see friends as much as you can, sleep, exercise and eat well. Things will get better with time
 
Choosing responsible, respectful partners generally helps ensure you are treated respectfully. Just saying....
 
Not all breaks-ups can have closure. Nothing is black and white and perfect. Normally, We only look for closure in situations that we don't want to accept. When something dies in a car accident, we don't bitch and complain that we never got closure. We have no choice but to move on and accept it. You must stand strong and accept this situation like other situations that life sometimes deals our way.
 
A girl did this to me not that long ago. We weren't moving in together or anything but I loved her and we were together... and then one day we just weren't. She never said anything directly to me about it, she just stopped calling me and started being cold to me every time I saw her. Then the number of times we saw each other started getting less and less frequent. I didn't know what I did either (she told me I did nothing wrong and she was just in a bad mood) and this went on for a while until one day I find out she's been talking to her physically abusive ex-boyfriend on the phone every day. The dude lived in another state, so she never physically cheated on me, but what she did was even worse. She dragged out the pain, making me second guess my every move because I thought there was something I could do differently to make her love me again. Actually, that's not true; she never loved me, but she acted like she did until she got bored of me.

Sucks to say but time is the only cure. It's been months since this happened and I still think about it all the time. It's not depressing anymore, and I'm past the point of thinking we'll ever be together again. I talked to her over text a few times since this happened, but every time it was like she was trying to hurt me even more. She's done too much damage at this point and I'd be an idiot to ever let her in my life again. Sounds like that's gonna be the case for you, too. By the way, it is possible to trust the opposite sex again. Not right away, but eventually.
 
When something dies in a car accident, we don't bitch and complain that we never got closure. We have no choice but to move on and accept it. .

Mmmmmmhmmmmmm.

*bad thoughts*

I know your feels, OP.

if he doesn't have the decency to provide you with a thoughtful, insightful explanation and is treating it like a simple situation, perhaps he is a fucking simple person and you are not.
 
Mmmmmmhmmmmmm.

*bad thoughts*

I know your feels, OP.

if he doesn't have the decency to provide you with a thoughtful, insightful explanation and is treating it like a simple situation, perhaps he is a fucking simple person and you are not.


I understand where the OP is coming from. We all have been there. I am just telling her that sometimes life is not so perfect and we don't get this from every situation. We can't focus on just one thing. The thread was titled asking us if she can move on with or without closure. I said that yes sometimes life forces us to get no closure. DAMN
 
I understand where the OP is coming from. We all have been there. I am just telling her that sometimes life is not so perfect and we don't get this from every situation. We can't focus on just one thing. The thread's title was asking about whether closure is an essential thing to move on. I said that closure is not a necessity.

you don't have to defend yourself.

i meant that sometimes i felt death was a more accurate way to describe my loss, except the ghost was still around...fucking with with my head...actual death would have explained my pain and made it easier to move on.
maybe closure isn't a necessity but it is a fucking courtesy and a sign of decency, especially if they are still around to fuck with your head.

it's easy enough for someone to tell you to cut off them off completely, when they don't know what the relationship meant to you in the first place.
 
my condolences op. <3

unfortunately with break ups there is no easy pathway or trick to eliminating the pain in the early stages of the separation period.

my only suggestion is to surround yourself with loving and supportive friends and family; and as much as you may not feel up to it, socialize, continue going to work, invest your time into your hobbies and interests; and force yourself to distract your mind from the pain as much as possible.

be assured that with time, it gets easier. you wont always feel this way <3

...kytnism...:|
 
Well, I'm assuming this is the guy from the other threads. For those who have read them, we've watched the beginning, tumultuous middle and now the end of it.

xburntonchic, I'm usually always got the girls' backs, but I have to say I think you should work on yourself before jumping into these things. You have that neediness that drives people batty and essentially pushes them away.
 
You can get past this by using this golden opportunity to start re-framing the way you view people exiting your life. Whether you view it as abandoment or something else is a choice that only you can make. The reality is that people come and go all the time. Some stay for years, some for months -- some people you only know for a day. Eventually you're going to have to learn that it's not about them abandoning you, it's simply about them walking away because that's where their life is taking them.

Abandoment issues are delusional, and I mean that in the spiritual sense. It's a self-oriented delusion. Even if someone stays with you their whole life, you will eventually be separated by death. It's not about how much time you have but about what you do with the time you have.

A person walking away from you is in your best interest. How do you know? Because otherwise they'd stay. If you were still meant to grow, learn, and do "work" together, they wouldn't be leaving. The best gift such a person can give you is to walk away, whether or not you know it.

I say all this as someone who has suffered from abandonment issues, and also as someone who has played the role of rescuer for people who were feeling abandoned by my desire to leave. The only cure is to re-frame your mind about the whole thing. At some point, for your own peace of mind, you'll have to realize that it's possible for someone to really love you as their back is turned to you and walking away. They might not even realize their action is loving, but it is. Once you can envision how this action can be loving and actually in your best interest - even if you find it hard to believe at the time - you will make major progress.
 
You can get past this by using this golden opportunity to start re-framing the way you view people exiting your life. Whether you view it as abandoment or something else is a choice that only you can make. The reality is that people come and go all the time. Some stay for years, some for months -- some people you only know for a day. Eventually you're going to have to learn that it's not about them abandoning you, it's simply about them walking away because that's where their life is taking them.

Abandoment issues are delusional, and I mean that in the spiritual sense. It's a self-oriented delusion. Even if someone stays with you their whole life, you will eventually be separated by death. It's not about how much time you have but about what you do with the time you have.

A person walking away from you is in your best interest. How do you know? Because otherwise they'd stay. If you were still meant to grow, learn, and do "work" together, they wouldn't be leaving. The best gift such a person can give you is to walk away, whether or not you know it.

I say all this as someone who has suffered from abandonment issues, and also as someone who has played the role of rescuer for people who were feeling abandoned by my desire to leave. The only cure is to re-frame your mind about the whole thing. At some point, for your own peace of mind, you'll have to realize that it's possible for someone to really love you as their back is turned to you and walking away. They might not even realize their action is loving, but it is. Once you can envision how this action can be loving and actually in your best interest - even if you find it hard to believe at the time - you will make major progress.
Very-well said ^^^
 
Thanks everyone, there's some really great advice in ALL of your responses <3

I just want to clear one thing up though before I go on any further: I am most definitely NOT needy, Lysis. Quite the opposite, actually. Distrustful... yes. Insecure... eh... yes, but I very rarely will show it to the person I'm with, and when I do it's only because my paranoia has gotten bad enough to the point where I feel the air should be cleared so that it doesn't continue to build and end up silently killing the relationship, and even then I'm really casual about it. But needy? THAT I most definitely am not. I'm actually kind of offended by that. Needy girls think they need their boyfriend in order to be happy and secure with themselves, and believe their life would be over if the relationship ended. And that's all pretty much the opposite of who I am and what I stand for. I don't think me having doubts in my relationship and bringing it up with him (and about that - I've learned to trust my instincts, and when I made those other posts my instincts were telling me something was wrong... and as it turns out, something WAS wrong the entire time, so my insecurities then were in fact completely justified), or me being bummed out that it's over makes me needy. Just to be clear, I am the opposite of needy - I've never liked spending all my time hanging out with or even speaking to boyfriends, in fact it annoys me when they want to see or be speaking with me every second of the day... I didn't like the way this one was moving the relationship so fast, and even tried to put it on halt a few times before I finally decided to let myself just give into my feelings for once... I am perfectly confident in myself without a guy around... my world will not end because it's over. In fact, the one complaint my ex used to have about me is that I acted so distant and cold towards him for the better part of our relationship. If anything, my refusal to let people in and the way I distance myself is what pushes people away, it's certainly not neediness. Just wanted to clear that up, cause if you knew me in real life you would know just how opposite of needy I am... which can be just as bad, but still... plus I was a bit insulted by that, not gonna lie, and I'm not too sure where it even came from. Besides the way your post was worded, it sounded juuust a bit judgemental and cold... "We've watched the beginning, the tumultuous middle, and now the end of it"... I mean really, who says that? Especially when I came here for ADVICE, not for your entertainment. My life is not a reality show for you to watch for your guys' amusement, the way you make it sound. You don't have to agree with me, you can even continue believing I'm needy if you would like, but being rude about the situation was so unnecessary. Anyway...

Yeah so I've been doing all that stuff. Keeping busy, hanging around friends and family a lot, I even avoided going on Facebook for like a week and a half because his friends and his new girlfriend were making it their missions to torment me on there by dangling his new relationship in my face. It's gotten a bit better, but not much if I'm being honest. It's been SO long since I've had my heart broken like this, I'd forgotten what it feels like and how long it takes to get over it. Even drugs don't help. Yeah I relapsed. He always said the ONLY reason he would EVER break up with me is if I relapsed... it's the one thing that would have hurt him the most had I done it while we were together... he can't stand opiates anymore, he literally hates them with a passion. I think part of me just wanted to rebel against him, and a bigger part of me wanted to rebel against the recovery community in general. I've been really bitter about the fact that if I hadn't been kicked out of rehab, we would still be together... if that counselor hadn't been harassing me that day to the point where I needed to walk off the property... if the other counselors had let me call his boss that night... if his boss had taken the time to hear my side of the story before making the final decision to send me packing (especially because she was ALSO our counselor, and I feel that the way she handled it was just completely lacking compassion towards me... which is bullshit, because, you know, it's her JOB to give a fuck). Anyway, the recovery community fucked me over (okay, not all of it, but the part that mattered the most to me), which led to him fucking me over... which led to me getting angry at everyone, and so I did the one thing that was the biggest "fuck you" to all of them that I could think of. And yes, I do know that I didn't hurt anyone but myself by relapsing, and that none of them could give a shit less about it... hell, they don't even know about it. But that was my logic at the time. Not very good logic, but it made sense to me anyway. Regardless, that was only a small part of the reason for my relapsing. A bigger part of me went into fuck it mode, and another part of me was just trying to take some of the pain away. Anyway, the point of that story is that opiates aren't even helping anymore. It still hurts. I'm tired of it.

The problem is that I can't stop remembering things. I have SO many memories with him, and the bigger problem is that they're all good ones. There are a select few that aren't too great, but the good parts of our relationship far outweighed the bad (except for toward the end there). 90% of our relationship was having fun, and being sober, and in love, and around people who cared about us, and just feeling free and ALIVE. And I just miss it a lot. I hadn't felt that way in a very long time. And I see the problem now with getting into a relationship while you're in rehab. I fought my feelings for him for SO long just because I knew it was a bad idea... I just never knew why... and maybe if I had, I never would have given in. Because now all of the good memories I associate with getting sober... he's in them. Which means that, by default, those memories only bring me pain now, instead of happiness like they should. Now I understand it, it's just too bad I had to learn the hard way.

And to go off of that, I think another thing that's making it so hard is BECAUSE I was with him while I was sober. He is the only guy I have been with, ever, while I've been sober. During our entire relationship, I was super confident and secure in myself... I felt alive more than I ever had... I was sober... I was happy... I felt close to people again. It was one of the best times in my life. It's hard for me to get over losing that. And it's not because of him that I was all of those things, but he was a part of my life at the time. He contributed to that feeling of happiness, and to the feeling that everything was finally coming together. We had our future together all planned out too. We were going to stay sober together, get our own place, and in the future we would get married, have kids, etc. I never thought I would have ANY of that for myself... not the sobriety, not marriage, not kids... but going to rehab helped me realized that maybe I COULD have all of that, and then meeting him just solidified it for me. There was a time when our relationship represented hope. And now all of that - the hope I had, the future we were supposed to share, the perfect life I was supposed to have from then on out - all of it is gone. I feel like I didn't JUST lose him, but that I lost a lot of other things as well. That's what makes it even harder. Is any of this making sense?

I guess I just regret everything at this point. I still miss him, and losing him still hurts a lot, but the more I think about it... I think I'm more pissed off at myself than anything else. I was sober for the first time in over a dozen years, and I fucked it all up because of one guy. Not because we broke up and it contributed to my relapse. But because, if I'm being honest with myself, us breaking up was inevitable. I always knew that, from the second we got together. I knew there was a good chance it wouldn't last. I just had a gut instinct that something was going to go wrong eventually, and if there is one thing I've learned, it's to trust my instincts... they are ALWAYS right... seriously, it's scary... and I tried to end it several times because of that, but I was always weak and let him talk me out of it. Anyway, my getting sober was the best time of my life, it's the first and only time I have felt so happy and so alive and have made so many good memories in such a short period of time... and I tainted it with that relationship. I should be looking back on that time in my life and be ecstatic... I should still be LIVING that life... but instead, it just depresses me. Because now all of those memories involve him, so they suck by default. And all of the friends we made those memories with, they're still with him in the rehab and so of course they took his side. And my hope for ever getting and saying sober, ever having a good relationship with someone, ever having friends that won't turn around and stab me in the back, ever getting married/having kids... that shit is all gone too. I lost EVERYTHING with this break up. I ruined it because I told my instincts to fuck off.

I just don't know how to move on from all of that. If I'm being honest, it's not so much that I miss HIM... I just miss that feeling I had while we were together. I know most of it just comes from being sober and having my life on a good path for once, but my brain can't disconnect him from that period in my life. Which makes it very... confusing. And very fucked up. And a very good reason why you should NOT get into a relationship when you're still so early in your sobriety. I just want to have that feeling again... and NOT have a guy be associated with it... but I don't know if I ever will. I'm having an incredibly hard time moving on from so much loss. Fuck.

Thanks again everyone for your help and for your words, I do feel a bit better after reading through your responses. :)
 
I don't mean needy as in what you are describing although what you have written counters what you've claimed. I was more or less saying you sound like one of those girls who needs constant validation of his feelings and relationship. Your last couple of threads sounded like that too and maybe you should reread what you've written here.

I kinda wonder if you just read a little too much into him and it was not as serious to him as it was to you.
 
If not needy then definitely clingy. You acknowledged that you had pre-existing abandonment issues. Perhaps this is an opportunity to get some professional advice which will give you a clean slate for your next relationship.

As an aside, the traditional way to get over a break up is a bit of casual sex. This may or may not be a good idea for you.
 
XBC, I think that only part of the reason why you are hurt is because of him leaving you like that, and that most of it is because you are afraid that you might not find someone else that accepts you for who you are. With the girl that I mention below, I know that I'm not in love with her, at least not yet, but I found comfort in the fact that someone would care about me while I'm in a somewhat low point in my life. I don't have that great of a job, and although she doesn't know about my addiction history she knows that I have anxiety issues which I see a psychiatrist for, yet she would still do anything for me. So while I will miss her if this is really the end, I would miss almost any girl that I am attracted to who would accept me for who I am at this point. So I'm less afraid of losing this particular girl than I am of not having someone like her in general.

Up until her I was stuck with just hooking up with girls at bars or parties that I wouldn't really see again because I couldn't bring much to the table at this point, aside from my personality, humor, and other physical and mental attributes that make me attractive to females. I'm pretty limited financially though, so that plays a big factor in me always avoiding getting into relationships in fear that I would just be left when they found out I couldn't do much normal relationship stuff since I couldn't afford to.

So perhaps you are in a similar situation, where you weren't so much in love with him, as you were in love with the idea of being with someone while you are in the midst of battling an addiction and rebuilding trust.

My only advice is to take the positives from the relationship and move on. Look at it as a stepping stone towards actually finding the right guy, and a way to keep you mind fresh when it comes to relationship kind of stuff. I guess like a practice boyfriend in your journey to getting back out their and actually finding the right guy. I know that if I were to have actually found a girl I loved around the time I met this girl that I would have been pretty out of the loop as far as relationships go, so no matter what happens I'm glad I got some practice time in to remind me of what to do and what not to do when it comes to relationships, the girlfriends family, and other general dating stuff. I'm not saying you were rusty like I was, but everyone can use another person to shape them in one way or another so they can hopefully come out a better person so that when they meet the right person they can use what they learned to have a healthier relationship.

A girl did this to me not that long ago. We weren't moving in together or anything but I loved her and we were together... and then one day we just weren't. She never said anything directly to me about it, she just stopped calling me and started being cold to me every time I saw her. Then the number of times we saw each other started getting less and less frequent. I didn't know what I did either (she told me I did nothing wrong and she was just in a bad mood) and this went on for a while until one day I find out she's been talking to her physically abusive ex-boyfriend on the phone every day. The dude lived in another state, so she never physically cheated on me, but what she did was even worse. She dragged out the pain, making me second guess my every move because I thought there was something I could do differently to make her love me again. Actually, that's not true; she never loved me, but she acted like she did until she got bored of me.

Sucks to say but time is the only cure. It's been months since this happened and I still think about it all the time. It's not depressing anymore, and I'm past the point of thinking we'll ever be together again. I talked to her over text a few times since this happened, but every time it was like she was trying to hurt me even more. She's done too much damage at this point and I'd be an idiot to ever let her in my life again. Sounds like that's gonna be the case for you, too. By the way, it is possible to trust the opposite sex again. Not right away, but eventually.

I fear that I'm going through the same thing right now. I met a girl not even two months ago, we hit it off, went from hanging out 2-3x a week to daily, and then one day she just started being cold towards me. I've hung out with her since then and it was just like any other time, but she has been contacting me less often and when I contact her it's like she is just saying the bare minimum to keep me from asking her what's going on with her, but not enough to seem like she actually wants to be with me.

I know that she's been busy lately and I know that she needed some space since we were moving too quickly, but I'm not asking for much in return at this point other than to have a few actual conversations with her each week. Part of me thinks that I am just over-analyzing things and that she actually is really busy, but the other part of me thinks that my gut feeling is right and that she's over me. I'll find out soon enough. I just don't want to be back at square one looking for someone who will accept me the way I am right now since it felt so good to have someone to spend a lot of time with and share everything with. I just figured it would last longer and either develop into something more serious, or at least last until I got my feet off the ground as was actually ready to look for a serious relationship again since I'm over all of these meaningless hook-ups by now, and am looking for something a little more serious at this point.
 
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