Is not wanting kids just a phase, typically?

[kittymeow]

just read the post title, didn't read all the responses and someone has probably already said this BUT...

i'm a gay man and therefore think about having kids in a more abstract way than a straight person. my feelings? things on this planet are BAD, like super fucked up really bad. enlightened and educated people should understand that procreating is not only not necessary; it's bad.

there are multitudes of unwanted kids out there: adopt. adopt and share your knowledge and love w/a kid that has nothing else.

more of my feelings? at this point, having kids is totally narcissistic and unnecessary. the planet can't handle more people. BAD things are happening. who the hell would even want to bring a kid into this nightmare?

take care of the kids that already exist; there are so many of them.

I couldn't agree more :D

Me - I'm 24 and female - still too young to know if my strong negative feelings towards having children is "just a phase" or if my hormones will come along in 4 years time and kick me in the arse.

I can't see any logical reason to give birth when there are so many unwanted children in this world.
However we are not all as fortunate as Americans when it comes to adoption. In the last 20 or so years it has become a near impossible and costly task to adopt as an Australian citizen. Fees are around the $10,000 - $15,000 mark just to apply and that doesn't include air fares. Not to mention the overly strict criteria that needs to be met to qualify as a couple that can adopt. IMHO these issues need to be addressed first before we can start changing the culture of having babies as a socially acceptable and desired norm.

So yeh - I hope its not a phase. I'm still too young I know. My mother gets very upset when I mention that I don't particularly want children. I'm maybe a little too unconventional for my wog upbringing - even though my parents were also very unconventional to their families.

 

[Perpetual Indulgence]

I was a "surprise" aka lack of birth control. I was in foster care for a couple of months after I was born. My parents got their shit together at 19 and collected me. My mom told me that story in my late 20's perhaps to reiterate proper parenthood planning. My parents had another baby 2 years prior. She was adopted by my father's eldest sister at birth. My sister-cousin.

Perhaps if I were rich and could afford a housekeeper and be a stay at home mom, I might reconsider my stance.

 

[SorbetCitron]

I'm 29 and I know I want kids one day, but I dont feel at all ready at the moment. I had a miscarriage once, the kid would be about 6 now which is a weird thought.

I have read that the risk of something being wrong with the baby increases after the mother hits 35 so I figure I have 6 years to sort it out, but I can definitley hear that good old clock ticking - if I had a gun I'd blast it clean off the wall

 

[LiveIllegal]

I'm 20 and I can't wait to have a child. This is something I've given a great deal of thought about, and I'll admit it's purely selfish, as Jamshyd contends. And I have no problem with that. Despite the suffering I've endured in my life, there is something absolutely awe-inspiring about human life and the love of family, and I am eternally grateful to my parents for raising me. I disagree that a child would be "another unnecessary human" in this world. My child would be my greatest joy, an extension of myself, who will share my unconditional love and that of my wonderful family.

I don't know if I can rationalize it beyond that except to say that it's in my nature to want to propagate my genes, and that's a part of my nature that I not only accept but am eager to fulfill. Color me selfish.

 

[DG]

I remember when I was younger I insisted I would adopt when I was older. I had lived in foster care and I felt no child should have a temporary family...I wanted to adopt and make them my own.

Now that I am 25 I feel a little differently. I want my husband and I to have a child of our combined selves. I want to have someone who will love me unconditionally and not turn around hating me because I am not their "real" mother. I want to wake up every morning to take care of a child. I want to watch them grow. I cannot wait to be a mother.

 

[Finder]

I want to have someone who will love me unconditionally and not turn around hating me because I am not their "real" mother.

I don't see how this is guaranteed just because you had a child in the traditional manner. If you want unconditional love, get a dog.

 

[DG]

I could go on and on about why I want a child in the traditional manner but it wont matter to anyone who doesnt want a child to begin with. The comment about a dog is unnecessary and a little hurtful to me. I already have dogs and while I know they love me no matter what...it is not the same as the love you feel for another human being you raise and watch them grow up. The bond you create with your child cannot be compared to a love for an animal. There is no guarantee for anything in life so that can be said for anything I guess.

 

[Finder]

Sorry for the dog comment, it wasn't meant to be hurtful. Conversely, I find it hurtful you think I wouldn't care about your opinion just because I may not want children and you do. I wrote what I did because I was bothered by your "unconditional love" comment and was trying to illustrate it is not a guarantee. I know plenty of people who do not get along with their parents, born from them or not.

Of course, you do not need to justify why you want to have a child in whatever manner you choose to me. This is not a matter of you needing to explain why you want to have a child naturally; it is your right and I am not going to slight you for your choice, as I expect you would not slight me for mine. It is speaking like you know how it is going to be and how it will turn out, that I find troubling, because, as you said, there are no guarantees for anything in life. I guess I find cautious optimism to be the way to look at having children, is all.

Pardon the frank discussion, but I'd rather just get to the point. I do not intend any offense.

 

[Mariposa]

Its the little ones that drive me mad. I know it sounds awful, but I never knew how needy they are til living with one. I understand, they cant take care of themselves but its maddening to me. That constant need for attention. I cant stand it in adults and I cant stand it in kids either. Leave me alone! arg

Yeah, that's one reason out of many I haven't done it yet. I cannot imagine coming home from work to further exhaust myself caring for a child. I have more patience now than I did when I was younger. I'm not sure it will ever be enough.

One reason I would like to have a child, maybe, though, is that it would be a life I and my partner would create out of love and desire to have a family and I would like to see a little person grow up into an awesome big person. I would love to teach my child to read, to take them on trips all over, and to think and do for themselves and the good of humanity.

If I could not conceive naturally or the genetic tests I would undergo revealed something potentially off, I would gladly adopt.

All this is a ways off if at all.

 

[MyDoorsAreOpen]

Yeah, that's one reason out of many I haven't done it yet. I cannot imagine coming home from work to further exhaust myself caring for a child. I have more patience now than I did when I was younger. I'm not sure it will ever be enough.

I find this very telling, since geographers have found a strong correlation between countries with low birthrates and countries where women's educational and professional attainments are high. It's places where the traditional role of man-as-breadwinner and woman-as-homemaker persist that have above-replacement fertility.

 

[jake68]

be careful what you wish for

I reached a certain age toward my 30's and really started to want children and the right woman to have them with. She kinda found me like an explosive force of nature and it was instant and we never looked back from there immediately just going at it and trying our best to make it permanent without a thought. You know, pregnancy can change a woman mentally as well as physically. I didn't know that it could be permanent. Before you have children that will grow up and move away, be prepared for the possiblitiy that the pregnancy could change her and illogical things could happen. There are a lot of single moms out there and I am starting to think that just maybe things changed in their relationship after the child that was more than anyone could understand. Our first child was a constant source of friction between us. We disagreed and fought over how to raise this one child and found out years later that he has ADHD and that his behavior was caused by it. Our second child has been totally different. She fits right into the family and we don't fight over her at all but at the expense of my wife's mental health due to post partum which can start up months before the baby is born. The second child is 14 months old and my wife is just now getting treatment for the depression and other collateral problems that has been affecting her mood, happiness, school and work. I am concerned about her and just hate to see this happen to her. She really wanted children as much as I did but it's weird to find yourself somewhat alone wondering what the hell happened. Beware of post partum

 

[Mariposa]

I find this very telling, since geographers have found a strong correlation between countries with low birthrates and countries where women's educational and professional attainments are high. It's places where the traditional role of man-as-breadwinner and woman-as-homemaker persist that have above-replacement fertility.

My relationship is the opposite; my guy is in grad school/teaches, and I am in a high-stress, full-time, well-paying occupation. Some days I think I'd rather stay home, but during breaks in employment, however short, I went completely batshit and felt like I had nothing of purpose to do.

 

[socko]

I want to have someone who will love me unconditionally and not turn around hating me because I am not their "real" mother.

This is polyanna-ish and naive. Somebody already pointed out that not all parents and children actually get along in life. Sure when they're babies, they'll love you unconditionally, but they won't remain babies for long. As they get older, they will learn to judge you, and they might not forgive you and hate you. For whatever reason, real or imagined. In your post, you sounded like you wanted unconditional love without being aware anything else that will come up while the child is living with you. I think that's why finder said get a dog.

 

[MyDoorsAreOpen]

Update:

The mrs and I talked about this yesterday, and we agreed that we're most likely going to end up adopting a child, if we feel the need to pass on a legacy. It just makes more sense for the big picture, and takes a lot of 'biological clock' pressure off of her.

Mrs. Doors is not the healthiest person in the world. She has a number of congenital health problems that run in her family and ethnic group, and shows a number of symptoms of endometriosis, which usually renders a woman not only chronically unhealthy but infertile too. She and I both have at least ADD/ADHD in our families, and one doctor even diagnosed me with Asperger's syndrome. I don't know that either of us are willing to devote almost all our time and energy to raising an ADD or autism spectrum child, and find it kind of cruel to knowingly bring one into this ruthless world.

We've got time to decide on this one, so no rush.

 

[LiveIllegal]

This is polyanna-ish and naive. Somebody already pointed out that not all parents and children actually get along in life. Sure when they're babies, they'll love you unconditionally, but they won't remain babies for long. As they get older, they will learn to judge you, and they might not forgive you and hate you. For whatever reason, real or imagined. In your post, you sounded like you wanted unconditional love without being aware anything else that will come up while the child is living with you. I think that's why finder said get a dog.

You're awfully cynical. I suspect that any child who actually grows up to *hate* his or her parents has a legitimate and serious reason. Sure there are dysfunctional parent/child relationships, but this is hardly the norm and a poor argument for why one shouldn't have children.

MyDoorsAreOpen: Good for you. I think you've made a well-thought out and responsible decision.

 

[socko]

It's (possibility of not finding unconditional love) not so much a reason to not to want to have kids. But IMO, expecting unconditional love is an unrealistic reason for wanting to have them. I think bad parent/child relationships are more common than people think. I don't have statistics, but there are so many dysfunctional relationships that i think it's unrealistic to take unconditional love for granted. IFamilies with good parent/child relationships are very lucky.

 

[Jamshyd]

MDAO: I congratulate you on such an enlightened prespective! I forgot to mention in my rant that one other reason I don't want to have a child of my own is because I have way too many recessive genes showing and probably inherit a lot of shit from the entire family. In fact, I am probably sterile!

--

As for unconditional love, this is something you are supposed to give a child! Only that way can you expect any of it back. How can you expect unconditional love from someone you forced into a painful existence (that is, Life)?

 

[DarthMom]

growing up i always thought i would want to adopt. so i understand and still feel as though it is something we will do in our future. it is in fact a plan. why bring a child into the world when others need homes?

when i brought my first son home, after a surprise pregnancy, i remember one morning a day or so later practically tearing up over the love i felt. i was overwhelmed with how much fear i had already. when you feel so much love for someone, it is insane. you worry about everything in their future. and a few days later, when it was all over the news that a hospital in my town had changed children on a family, i thought about what i would want to do if it had been me. i wouldn't want the child i birthed, but the one i nurtured.

that being said, as a mom, whether your child comes from your loins or not, you will love that child as it needs to be loved. it will have the unconditional love you want to give it.

and as a mother whose husband came into the life of her child 3 years later....your child will also love and respect the parent that has chosen to be the father. there isn't resentment for choosing a child, it is just the opposite.

whether a child is adopted or born from you isn't what is important. it is just a triviality.

 

[DG]

In your post, you sounded like you wanted unconditional love without being aware anything else that will come up while the child is living with you. I think that's why finder said get a dog.

I am not unaware of anything else that comes up with raising a child. I myself grew up through a lot of hardships within my family but the love I received from my mother and other family members has followed me through out each one. I want a child who loves me even if they may hate me for being their "parent". OBVIOUSLY that is not my only reason.

You're awfully cynical. I suspect that any child who actually grows up to *hate* his or her parents has a legitimate and serious reason. Sure there are dysfunctional parent/child relationships, but this is hardly the norm and a poor argument for why one shouldn't have children.

I grew up "hating" my mother. At various points she was a single mom, on welfare, she had a drug problem, we were poor...I could go on and on. Now that I am older I respect everything she did for me as a child that I disagreed with then. I dont have an ounce of hatred in me for her. She knew while I grew up that she was doing the best she could for me and she always put me first. We have talked about it a lot and she has told me even when I told her I hated her or ran away that I would always come back and love her because I just didnt know any better then to realize there wasnt anything wrong with my life.

Even through so much else, I have a very positive outlook and I feel as though love DOES conquer all. Sorry if I am a positive feel good type person instead of the opposite.

 

[randycaver]

You'll really be sorry when you figure out that lover doesn't conquer all. love doesn't conquer all in most relationships.

you must not get what hate means. it's the opposite of love. if they hate you, they don't love you. there are plenty of kids born to parents they despise for multiple reasons. i always thought my dad was a conservative fuckwad, for one. still don't like him. i have nothing to do with him. bet he didn't think that would happen.

you may able to be comfortable in guaranteeing that you will love your child unconditionally but that is not a promise from them.

i just don't get your need to have something LOVE you. you're married, right? be happy with that. he chose to be with you. kids don't.