is it still possible to feel good?

[Missykins]

yeah. i only feel comfortable on the drugs, that is what seems like real life to me, and being sober seems like a really unpleasant, fake existance

and yes, i know how messed up that is :/

It's really not that complicated. It's just addiction. And it's easy to romanticize your drug use and turn it into some existential crisis. You're an addict. You're in love with your drug, and you'll do whatever you have to do to get it and to rationalize using it. In my opinion, the big questions about life are irrelevant; they're just another way to rationalize your drug use.

I couldn't quit until I realized that my drug use was really unrelated to my mental illness, my stressful job, my isolation, and so forth. I was simply a drug addict and I liked getting high. I had to distill my drug problem to its platonic ideal, which was much less complicated than the falsehood I had created for myself.

 

[†∆†]

i totally understand that my age is a big factor is this, i may be somewhat emotionally immature but i'm not naive enough to think that "just being a teenager" isn't contributing to why i am using.

that being said, i really think that explanation by itself is oversimplifying things. it's part of it, but bipolar disorder (and yes, to all of you who say i should get a therapist, i already have one) is a lifelong condition for most people, and it doesn't just magically disappear with age. you don't grow out of a MEDICAL CONDITION without a cure.

people DO manage their symptoms, but just saying "you'll grow out of it" really isn't helpful to me at this point. it may partially be true, but if i don't address things now, i may not be around long enough to do that!

 

[Jabberwocky]

It may well be that nothing is going to be the same rush as cocaine, but there are other rushes and some of them are richer. The other rushes are certainly more varied if you choose for them to be so. Drugs are rushes that perform on command more than many other sorts of pleasures in life. A problem is that drug use loses utility for pleasure and getting out of boredom or unpleasant states, especially when relied on.

Having non-drug pleasures takes more work. Ways out of boredom or discomfort that aren't a drug are less instantaneous a lot of the time. The responses can be better and are far less likely to vaporize leaving you in pain with a hunger that's insatiable but for more of the same. Instead of having to jump back on the same treadmill for the same treat for the umpteen millionth time you can pursue something brand new or a meaningful variation of a favorite passtime. Also you get todo it because you'd like to instead of you have to.

In the early phases of quitting a drug of choice it is MUCH harder finding pleasure in things than it will be later on after a period of not relying on drugs. Drugs tend to make us all about drugs sometimes so that every other sort of memory or experience doesn't seem to compute. Pleasures that seem trite or stupid in the midst of addiction can actually end up being real pleasures. The faculty to find meaning and pleasure outside of drugs can come back or develop if your thinking you never really had such a faculty.

 

[Missykins]

i totally understand that my age is a big factor is this, i may be somewhat emotionally immature but i'm not naive enough to think that "just being a teenager" isn't contributing to why i am using.

I think that most of us probably mean that because of your age, you have a great many years still ahead of you, rather than being immature.

But I do have one age-related question: how do you pay for your habit? Your allowance for cutting the grass can't be that much.

 

[†∆†]

I think that most of us probably mean that because of your age, you have a great many years still ahead of you, rather than being immature.

yes, but i really think that "you're just being a teenager" isn't really constructive because it isn't giving any sort of suggestions on how to change a somewhat dire situation in the short term. like "waiting to grow up" is not a solution.

 

[Missykins]

yes, but i really think that "you're just being a teenager" isn't really constructive because it isn't giving any sort of suggestions on how to change a somewhat dire situation in the short term. like "waiting to grow up" is not a solution.

Yes, I agree with you. That's why I made that post. I wouldn't recommend waiting to grow out of a drug problem, bipolar disorder, etc.

 

[brandy42]

I won't patronise you †∆† buy 16 is very young, even though I took a lot of purple mircodots when I was 17.

You know there are always someone to talk to on BL

I wish you all the best (sincerely).

 

[†∆†]

Yes, I agree with you. That's why I made that post. I wouldn't recommend waiting to grow out of a drug problem, bipolar disorder, etc.

well thank you, i'm glad you understand.

also, as for the $ situation, luckily (or maybe not) i'm in a situation where a couple hundred a week is manageable, or as least has been.

the parents not being suspicious of my spending just goes back to a bigger issue of neglect and them being emotionally distant and drunk, but that's a whole other thing...

 

[Missykins]

well thank you, i'm glad you understand.

also, as for the $ situation, luckily (or maybe not) i'm in a situation where a couple hundred a week is manageable, or as least has been.

the parents not being suspicious of my spending just goes back to a bigger issue of neglect and them being emotionally distant and drunk, but that's a whole other thing...

That's a thousand a month. Only the son of a rock star could afford that habit.

 

[†∆†]

That's a thousand a month. Only the son of a rock star could afford that habit.

i don't really wanna go into this territory, just not a good idea.

the point is, i do what i have to

 

[brandy42]

†∆†, I used to make over 700 GBP a week in addition to my very generous (legal) salary.

And yep, most of that was on cocaine and methamphetamine ( not to metion ketamine or the 2C-X compounds).

Keep it real. You always have someone there for you.

Respect.

 

[Lolie]

yes, but i really think that "you're just being a teenager" isn't really constructive because it isn't giving any sort of suggestions on how to change a somewhat dire situation in the short term. like "waiting to grow up" is not a solution.

Being a teenager actually complicates the diagnostic process, as do the drugs. That doesn't mean that your doctor shouldn't be addressing your symptoms in the meantime, just that there are good reasons to defer an official diagnosis at this point.

Not all places and practitioners offering help with drug abuse are equipped to deal with other mental health issues and that's something to take into account when choosing where to seek help. I have personally seen tragic outcomes happen when mania has been dismissed as post detox irritability in single purpose facilities, so I would strongly suggest that you ensure you seek help from a dual diagnosis facility/practitioner.

One thing to consider is how much you'll be able to access services on your own and to what extent you'll need logistic and financial help to access them. Are your parents likely to provide that help or will you need some kind of youth worker to help you access programmes and other services?

 

[RandomGuy123]

I understand, but you have so much life ahead of you, sure, life sober can sometimes suck but that doesn't mean that you can't get high every once and a while. Try and cut down on the drugs and maybe find a partner to share your feelings with, I think that might help some.

 

[footscrazy]

To me it seems as though you are defining yourself by your situation, although you can see that it doesn't bode well, I think maybe you consider being a 16yo drug addict a point of difference from other people your age. I still get a sense of romanticism about drugs and addiction from your posts and unless you learn to conceptualise yourself as an identity apart from drugs, it's going to get very hard to untangle yourself, because they get so intwined.
When you're 16 people see you using drugs and they can think it's cool, it's bad, it's breaking the rules. At 23 when you're addicted to drugs, you're just seen as a loser.

 

[sam123]

If totally sober is not an option just try and chill the fuck out and smoke some good fucking weed if you enjoy that.

Ive been where at before, just this year i finally ended a 3 year long iv meth/coke binge.

Main point is that stimulants FUCK up your brain as well as your senses of pleasure.
The longer you refrain from coke the happier you will feel enjoying normal ppl shit. Trust me... i never woulda believed what im saying know during my first week sober but its fully true... the longer u refrain from coke the easier it gets

 

[Lolie]

To me it seems as though you are defining yourself by your situation, although you can see that it doesn't bode well, I think maybe you consider being a 16yo drug addict a point of difference from other people your age. I still get a sense of romanticism about drugs and addiction from your posts and unless you learn to conceptualise yourself as an identity apart from drugs, it's going to get very hard to untangle yourself, because they get so intwined.
When you're 16 people see you using drugs and they can think it's cool, it's bad, it's breaking the rules. At 23 when you're addicted to drugs, you're just seen as a loser.

^^^

One of our other posters has a blog on here that he started when he was 14. He recently returned to update it 5 years on.

Here's a link to his return thread, in which he comments on how his drug use has increased since then and gives his current perspectives and links to his updated blog.

http://www.bluelight.ru/vb/showthread.php?t=502182

One comment from the second part of his blog stands out :

I wanted to be "that guy", the coolest kid who gets the hottest girls.

I felt like I ran the fucking school. I threw the most parties, cracked the most jokes, had the most older friends, hooked up with the hottest girls. That is all I wanted to be.

He obviously realises now the extent to which he romanticised the drugs, but the opening entry in his first blog is so resonant of the OP's :

Today after doing 2-3 grams of shitty coke, I've had a huge look at my life. What has my life come to? Am I 14 and up at 6 AM under the influence of cocaine? Is this really what my life has come to?

 

[Missykins]

i don't really wanna go into this territory, just not a good idea.

the point is, i do what i have to

Each day that I used drugs I was breaking the law. I was a drug addict and a criminal. Who wants to be a criminal? That's another reason to quit while you're ahead. All of us that have had some involvement with the legal system can tell you what a fucking low point that was. And it's inevitable if you continue to use.

You've probably heard this before, but there are really only three outcomes for using, those being jail, institutions, or death. But you can't cajole someone into quitting. Everyone has to have their own bottom. The question is do you want that to be a high bottom, or a low one? How bad does it have to get?

 

[Depressicaa]

I'll tell you straight up whats happening.

Drugs, sex and money. They go together right?
In your mind they do.

So if you do drugs, girls will come to you right? No.

There are two kinds of drug users, ones that run away from life and ones that run towards life.

You are running away by replacing the interaction you so desired with the drugs you do. I realized that and I quit my Adderall, if I take it I want to run towards life, not away. Stop running away, and you have your problem fixed, with or without drug addiction.

Drugs are one kind of feeling good, and being social is another kind of feeling good. Don't mix them, they aren't interchangeable.

 

[†∆†]

if i've given off the impression that i think what i am doing is "cool," then i apologize, because this is not the case. sitting in my bed shaking because i'm so coked up gets old really fast. i don't think of coke as something that is snorted off of strippers' backs with hundred dollars bills, or some other glamorized thing.

why are you making that assumption about me?

 

[bagochina]

i don't have this idea of like, snorting coke off of strippers backs with hundred dollar bills anymore.

Their backs?! You have to flip that shit over and well you know the rest...

peace.
seedless