Is it largely severing the ego or integrating it?

[KurtAurelius]

All my life, I’ve had such an explosive and pulsing internal monologue, mental perception so ingrained with determinisms, attitudes and emotion.

I feel more and more mature the more I let go, and the last dark period I had a few months ago lends me to currently believe letting go is all, awareness and that’s it etc.

I’ve had two distinct periods, my youth of drug abuse, total disregulation and giving into every impulse or belief I cultivated.

Then coming to the other side (in my way) trying to just be as good as I can, seeing the modern world as largely poison, abstain, only act and do nothing else but push, give. A friend pointed out however it was just the other side as before, an attempt to control myself and be pure, but a fallacy non the less.

But in the end life felt only like a tickbox, and I felt all I could achieve was negating every emotion and impulse to be my own twisted view of perfect,

So I stop forcing and then let loose, mix it all in, my skills I’ve learnt but with all the things I wish to do and indulge,

At first great but then close to before, nothing matters, I’m alone because no else understands, the world is fucked blah blah blah, and I’m taking opioids in secret justifying it because I’m “clever” enough to pack it in.

I did pack it in but I got close and I’m no exception to the rule, as many have said the same thing.

Now in a place of more peace. I’m helped by having ADHD meds that make that huge internal sphere seem not worth listening to, as now is enough.

I am myself with how I think and if my opinion is asked etc. but I absorb myself more into what I am doing, and far less using thoughts and contemplating to decipher, I can operate of awareness, when I’ve spent a whole life thinking every tiny action out and consulting the mind.

I seem different to those around me, quiet, still, compared to the ranting, raving and bouncing of the walls person before. It all felt so urgent to move with, but I felt no peace and I don’t miss it.

I let go more and more, of my attachment to perceptions and all that, and life is just peaceful.

Fears of failure, and being one, the world being so bad, and everything being so boring is just gone..

I’m cheating in a sense with drugs. Even if constructed as a medicine, but I prefer this, even if it’s “easier” and I’m just a cheat.

Perhaps any concept leads to an attempt to quantify balance, and whatever I think I’ve come to is best a faint grasp as what others have said far better.

But for me, the more I let go, life is peaceful and I am left just being thankful, and no longer afraid whenever it ends.

 

[pixies+]

All my life, I’ve had such an explosive and pulsing internal monologue, mental perception so ingrained with determinisms, attitudes and emotion.

I feel more and more mature the more I let go, and the last dark period I had a few months ago lends me to currently believe letting go is all, awareness and that’s it etc.

I’ve had two distinct periods, my youth of drug abuse, total disregulation and giving into every impulse or belief I cultivated.

Then coming to the other side (in my way) trying to just be as good as I can, seeing the modern world as largely poison, abstain, only act and do nothing else but push, give. A friend pointed out however it was just the other side as before, an attempt to control myself and be pure, but a fallacy non the less.

But in the end life felt only like a tickbox, and I felt all I could achieve was negating every emotion and impulse to be my own twisted view of perfect,

So I stop forcing and then let loose, mix it all in, my skills I’ve learnt but with all the things I wish to do and indulge,

At first great but then close to before, nothing matters, I’m alone because no else understands, the world is fucked blah blah blah, and I’m taking opioids in secret justifying it because I’m “clever” enough to pack it in.

I did pack it in but I got close and I’m no exception to the rule, as many have said the same thing.

Now in a place of more peace. I’m helped by having ADHD meds that make that huge internal sphere seem not worth listening to, as now is enough.

I am myself with how I think and if my opinion is asked etc. but I absorb myself more into what I am doing, and far less using thoughts and contemplating to decipher, I’ve can operate of awarness, when I’ve spent a whole life thinking every tiny action out and consulting the mind.

I seem different to those around me, quiet, still, compared to the ranting, raving and bouncing of the walls person before. It all felt so urgent to move with, but I felt no peace and I don’t miss it.

I let go more and more, of my attachment to perceptions and all that, and life is just peaceful.

Fears of failure, and being one, the world being so bad, and everything being so boring is just gone..

I’m cheating in a sense with drugs. Even if constructed as a medicine, but I prefer this, even if it’s “easier” and I’m just a cheat.

Perhaps any concept leads to an attempt to quantify balance, and whatever I think I’ve come to is best a faint grasp as what others have said far better.

But for me, the more I let go, life is peaceful and I am left just being thankful, and no longer afraid whenever it ends.

I relate to A LOT of what you’ve said here. A lot.

I’m an over thinker. I always have been. I really didn’t know how neurotic my thinking was until I was in my 20s. Realized I had some “fun” form of OCD/ADHD. And had been struggling with my entire life. I was always quite active.. not bouncing off the walls though. I think it’s because I’m female so my ADHD presents differently. But my mind is what has been “hyperactive”. I have the sort of OCD where it’s a ton of ruminations. Doing weird things to try and make life feel balanced. Tapping my hands a certain amount of times on each side, pressing my hands on a door after I close it - full palm in order to get the effect needed. Many, many things like that. Don’t wanna bore you with too many examples.

I tried so hard to not care about anything. To be easy going.. roll with the punches sorta thing. But my insides would be soooooo sick. The anxiety I felt was so overwhelming. I always felt like I was suffocating. My best friends knew… and they tried their best to understand me. They did what they could

I also let drugs take over. I wanted to be free. I figured the only way to be free was to do what I knew best… alcohol and drugs. That only worked for a short time. Never lasts long.

My mind always followed the same sort of path of urgency. I wanted to feel like I made sense. Or the world made sense.
It never did… I never did either, really.
Although finally being given adderall at 30 years old RESLLY helped to quite all the “noise” - holy hell!!! Was my head ever noisy!!

So that definitely helped some. My ego gets the best of me too at times. I’ve never felt like I had a big ego… not in the way that I ever tried to show off or anything like that. Not when I was sober anyways. Drunk and high… different story.

Opioids and benzos did a woooonderful job with shutting a lot of the noise down before i was put on adderall though. That also quickly got out of control.

These days I just really try to be aware. Aware of WHY I’m doing what I’m doing. Aware of the people around me and how they’re feeling. I ask a lot of questions that might be frustrating to some… but I have good intentions behind the questions. I want to learn as much as I can. I want to feel like a “safe” person in this world of madness.

Maybe I’m not quite touching on everything you’ve said, but I don’t want to parrot you… just add to the conversation

Take care

 

[pixies+]

Aha. To answer your question, I believe it’s a bit of both. Get rid of what isn’t serving us… integrate the things we find that does.

Make mistakes, live, and try our best to live AND learn.

Sometimes it feels natural. Sometimes it feels like walking a tightrope blindfolded 2 miles in the sky.

I think

 

[KurtAurelius]

It’s lovely to hear from someone who relates, I can really empathise on the whole Female ADHD as someone who knows many who are and have been largely failed from incompetence, and written of as anxious crybabies! Not being treated for the ADHD that presents in them.

I wouldn’t be bored to hear more OCD experiences, not something I’ve entirely come across or understood to a level compared to other experiences.

I’ve before had intrusive thoughts and horrible pulls to keep checking things like locking the door and stoves, someone being late definitely means they are dead etc. but not enough for me to define it as that or claim it is, DBT and general mindfulness has largely aided it, when it comes I can feel through it.

I’ll never forget a lovely lady I met in hospital who had the most debilitating OCD I’ve seen, brighter and clever than many but in constant agony..

I’ve too drifted to Opioids but they don’t work long term really, the tolerance for one, craving more always and physical dependence.

Stimulants have remained effective over 3 months now, and I’m prepared for it to wane but whatever it gives has to been worth the quality of life. I try harder and integrate better practice, and if they do wane I’ll be more prepared.

You added a wonderful perspective so thanks for that. You take care out there too

 

[KurtAurelius]

Aha. To answer your question, I believe it’s a bit of both. Get rid of what isn’t serving us… integrate the things we find that does.

Make mistakes, live, and try our best to live AND learn.

Sometimes it feels natural. Sometimes it feels like walking a tightrope blindfolded 2 miles in the sky.

I think

Sounds as good as anything to me, getting there slowly but surely