Is it just me

missunderstood

Bluelighter
Joined
Apr 28, 2010
Messages
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the moon
I was wondering if there is anyone that experiences flash backs from all the dangerous things you have done to buy your dope. My Dr. claims I have P.T.S. He says it is similar to what you get if you have been in the war. I also get intense panic attacks he said that I have " Goreaphobia ". He said that is a syptom of the P.S.T. :(
 
Well, at least your conscience is demonstrating guilt over them....

I suppose you need to accept the things you have done, while remembering that even though you've behaved in a certain way in the past....it's our decisions and behaviours now that count for the people we become.

Pretty sure someone posted something similar a day or two ago about feeling haunted by the past....use it to motivate you to be a better person now is the best thing to do.
 
All the stuff I've done to get drugs have been repressed in the deepest crevasses of my mind. ;)

Your flashbacks could be a sign of PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder), or it could just be your conscience nagging at you like hyroller said.
 
Here is the basic criteria for PTSD and a description of Agoraphobia and then further down is the full text of the criteria for PTSD... no one (not even doctors) can accurately diagnose themselves but it will give you a better idea of if you think the doctor is right or not.

Criteria

The diagnostic criteria for PTSD, stipulated in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders IV (Text Revision) (DSM-IV-TR), may be summarized as:

A: Exposure to a traumatic event

B: Persistent re-experiencing

C: Persistent avoidance and emotional numbing

D: Persistent symptoms of increased arousal not present before

E: Duration of symptoms for more than 1 month

Basic description of Agoraphobia:

Agoraphobia

...is an anxiety disorder, traditionally thought to involve a fear of public places and open spaces. However, it is now believed that agoraphobia develops as a complication of panic attacks.[1] But there is evidence that the implied one-way causal relationship between spontaneous panic attacks and agoraphobia in DSM-IV may be incorrect.[2]

Agoraphobia may arise by the fear of having a panic attack in a setting from which there is no easy means of escape. Alternately social anxiety problems may also be an underlying cause. As a result, sufferers of agoraphobia avoid public and/or unfamiliar places, especially large, open, spaces such as shopping malls or airports where there are few places to hide.

In severe cases, the sufferer may become confined to his or her home, experiencing difficulty traveling from this safe place. Approximately 3.2 million adults in the US between the ages of 18 and 54, or about 2.2%, suffer from agoraphobia. [3]

In tags below (don't worry its safe for work) is the FULL criteria set explained the points above.

NSFW:
309.81 DSM-IV Criteria for Posttraumatic Stress Disorder

A. The person has been exposed to a traumatic event in which both of the following have been present:

(1) the person experienced, witnessed, or was confronted with an event or events that involved actual or threatened death or serious injury, or a threat to the physical integrity of self or others (2) the person's response involved intense fear, helplessness, or horror. Note: In children, this may be expressed instead by disorganized or agitated behavior.

B. The traumatic event is persistently reexperienced in one (or more) of the following ways:

(1) recurrent and intrusive distressing recollections of the event, including images, thoughts, or perceptions. Note: In young children, repetitive play may occur in which themes or aspects of the trauma are expressed.

(2) recurrent distressing dreams of the event. Note: In children, there may be frightening dreams without recognizable content.

(3) acting or feeling as if the traumatic event were recurring (includes a sense of reliving the experience, illusions, hallucinations, and dissociative flashback episodes, including those that occur upon awakening or when intoxicated). Note: In young children, trauma-specific reenactment may occur.

(4) intense psychological distress at exposure to internal or external cues that symbolize or resemble an aspect of the traumatic event.

(5) physiological reactivity on exposure to internal or external cues that symbolize or resemble an aspect of the traumatic event.

C. Persistent avoidance of stimuli associated with the trauma and numbing of general responsiveness (not present before the trauma), as indicated by three (or more) of the following:

(1) efforts to avoid thoughts, feelings, or conversations associated with the trauma

(2) efforts to avoid activities, places, or people that arouse recollections of the trauma

(3) inability to recall an important aspect of the trauma

(4) markedly diminished interest or participation in significant activities

(5) feeling of detachment or estrangement from others

(6) restricted range of affect (e.g., unable to have loving feelings)

(7) sense of a foreshortened future (e.g., does not expect to have a career, marriage, children, or a normal life span)

D. Persistent symptoms of increased arousal (not present before the trauma), as indicated by two (or more) of the following:

(1) difficulty falling or staying asleep
(2) irritability or outbursts of anger
(3) difficulty concentrating
(4) hypervigilance
(5) exaggerated startle response

E. Duration of the disturbance (symptoms in Criteria B, C, and D) is more than one month.

F. The disturbance causes clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning.

Specify if:
Acute: if duration of symptoms is less than 3 months
Chronic: if duration of symptoms is 3 months or more

Specify if:
With Delayed Onset: if onset of symptoms is at least 6 months after the stressor
 
Pstd

Thank you for your feed back. It sounds like me. I have been trying to put things behind me. But there are somethings that just won't go away. I also feel that it is all part of the healing process..recovery is a process that is what I am told. And I think I am starting to see the process. I am in a way grateful that I do have some fear. I was never afraid of much. I believe I am on my way.=D
 
When we are using dope our brains are clouded by the high to consciously think about our actions and how they affect others..when sober the brain is then clear and the memories that have been numbed come back with a vengeance.
 
Hey misunderstood, I suffer from severe panic disorder w/
agoraphobia as well. Im in MMT(7yrs), and take valium for its long half life
and xanax for the sudden extreme panic attacks I have. I constantly
worry about things up and coming in the future. Like work Mon. even
though I've been there 4yrs., going to the store, kids b-ball games,
etc. etc.
It can be a real hinderance to me in my regular life. I cant call people
(my boss, order a pizza, on and on). I try to deal with it. The Benzo regimen
I'm on helps more than anything I've tried(ssri's etc.)

I can remember some minor social anxiety as a child, but nothing near
what I have since stopping the heavy heroin and other drug use I was
involved in and begining MMT (which saved my as$). The panic I experience
is near indescribable to most people. Thanks for directing me to this thread
again.
 
'doner, ya know I never thought about my childhood but now that you mentioned it, I began to look at it and there was alot of anxiety. My father was a heavy drinker so that made for alot of late night fighting.l..I also turned to heroin and I also did the MMT for a few years then switched to suboxne. And the whole phone call...boss..things goes on with me but I am slipping deeper into recluse mode because I haven't worked in over a year and a half. I was in an intensive rehab program 2 years ago. I planed on 28 days but I stayed for two months. Maybe I should have stayed on another month and I think they would have gave me tools for the social skills that I seem have forgot how to use. It is a trip to me, to think I could walk my little junkie ass into the tallest buildings, and get on a crickety elevator, in the most drug infested area's of Newark N.J. , in the middle of the night and never think twice. That is insanity, only a crazy fucked up person would do that......I WAS crazy...but today I am aware. Thanks for your feed back.
 
OP-are you seeing a general practitioner or a therapist?Don't feel alone or misunderstood.A lot of people suffer from PTSD for as many a reason as there are people.I have a few forms of it-Battered wife syndrome,being raped by 2 guests in my home who slipped me something and from a near fatal car crash in jan of 2006. Like Cane put it above,you can't diagnose yourself-nor can IMHO any doctor diagnose this disorder.Psychological treatment(psychiatrist,not psychologist-or both,but you need an MD for meds)is paramount in gaining back some semblance of a life.There are also medications that can help with the agoraphobia/anxiety,not to mention that therapists are highly trained to help you alleviate some of the symptoms during regular sessions.I have been in therapy for PTSD,Bipolar disorder,ADD,OCD,and reoccurring drug abuse with the same amazing therapist for a decade now.She is indispensable to me,and the meds are the difference in me being a nightmare and a kinda-sorta normal woman.
BTW,how old are you if you don't mind my asking?
always around if you need to talk...I am trying to get my PhD in Psychology(med school is just too far out of the picture for me-I'm 33,but I want to help people who want help...like you)
Peace n love.................skillz
 
Sort of. I have one particular memory that comes to mind.

I was about 14. I had recently gone to the grocery store and walked out with a mini keg. Well, I was feeling pretty cocky, since I was able to walk out with a fucking mini keg (not that mini, too). So I tried to steal a 30 pack of beer.

I pick up this huge fucking box of beer and I'm panicking, because I can't find a good way to leave. So I walk around the store for an hour with this huge carton of beer, and I'm 14. Well, they noticed, and they said some secret code to call security. I remember thinking, 'did they just use a code for security? No, they probably didn't.' Sure enough, they did.

I see a man following me. I walk towards the exit, and he goes: "Hey! Where are you going with that beer?!"

I stand there, mumbling. He calls security, so I drop the carton and split. I'm running at full speed. He grabs for me, so I scream "I don't know you! Help! He's trying to kidnap me!" I run out of the store. I look for my bike, which I had left outside. The guy had taken it and hidden it, so I just kept running. I ran down the whole block, next to the highway, with everybody staring at me.

I ended up walking back home, my heart racing and hiding in my room. I got away with it, but still. It made me really think about how stupid I was being and how reckless I was. I stopped stealing eventually (for moral reasons, I was feeling really guilty).


I'm actually glad it happened. It taught me a valuable lesson.
 
skillz~4~thrillz Thanks for your post, I like to get feed back from positive thinkers. I have been seeing an Dr. that specializes in addiction. He has offered me xanex and vaulims. I refused it because I know that they are deadly to have to withdraw from. Dope just about killed me, I know that you don't die from dope wd, but dammit, I wished to die. So if the benzos are worst, I would rather be scared shit and stay in my house. I will talk to him next time maybe something nonnarcotic... NO ANTI DEPRESSANTS...I been on them all and I get suicidal every time. The last one was celexa and I was sooooo close to some dumb shit ...crazy shit, shit that I really believe that I would never think of. Never happened any other time, and has not happened since. That's all I have. peace out
 
It is a trip to me, to think I could walk my little junkie ass into the tallest buildings, and get on a crickety elevator, in the most drug infested area's of Newark N.J. , in the middle of the night and never think twice. That is insanity, only a crazy fucked up person would do that......I WAS crazy...but today I am aware.

This is crazy to me as well, doing all the absolutely insane things
I did to cop, etc. Now I cant even go into the grocery store w/out
freakin out.
 
'doner I happy to be following you around BL it is good to know someone that is having the same issues as I...most people don't care to understand. Everyone thinks it is easy to snap out of. I say," walk a mile in my shoes and then come tell me how to be......."
 
I wanted to let you know that I sure appreciate your kind words.And to answer your qeustion, I am 44 years old. I have lost so much behind all of this, that from here on out., I would prefer to gain. So I will keep on doing what I am doing, it is working for me, whatever it is ( HA I am not even sure what it is I am doing). I have seen a big change in my family as far as stress levels and smiles are concerned...Love this..I am trying to stop being so hard on myself but I am not sure if that is the right approach because I may start to forget just how fucked up my life had become and that is something they say shouldn't happen because if you forget.. you fall. I been down far enough. I hope I am done...
 
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