is it always constructive to offer advice?

[Mysterie]

i'm not sure this is P&S material, but its something i think about a bit.

if i think about my life, most of the important lessons i have learnt, have come from doing the wrong thing, making mistakes, taking the longest and hardest path.

i've headed on a trajectory and i'm not sure if i have actually embodied much of the advice people have given me along the way. and if i had? would i be as rich a person as i could be?

be it in SLR or TDS, sometimes i think "well i've been in a similar situation in the past, and it was uncomfortable and painful, this is what i think you should do, xyz"

maybe it might resonate somewhat on an intellectual level, but i wonder if it is helpful even if it is absorbed.

i have realised through talking on a real and honest level with my dr and counsellor, sometimes it isn't what is said back to me that is helpful, but just saying things out loud and my wisdom will then arise and see itself more clearly.

i also think about how often people will completely disregard anything they are told to do, but will follow their own idea of what is right.

i'm getting abit muddled here, but does anyone know what i mean?

 

[nygiants1313]

I only give advice when asked for it, as i find people who always let their advice/opinion be known to be very annoying. I hate wgen people give me their advice when i dont ask for it. Like duhh if i wanted your advice id ask for it. I pay attention to people very carefulfully to learn more about them. Ill pay attention to how many times they use words such as "i" or "my" which in turns allows you to see if they are more then likely a me me me type person. These people tend to be the type who like to always give their advice. Here is an example of an advice giving me me me type.

Girl A: hey marie im seeing tony tonight im so excited. (Note: girl talking about her situation and not asking for advice)

Girl B "Omg i would totally freak out if tony wanted to hang with me. My advice: If i was seeing tony is that i would totally bang him on the first date. Omg im so jealous. I wish i was that lucky. When will it by my turn?" Im wet thinking about it. Can u get me new underwear cindy? (Note: although not asked for advice, promply gives it and talks about me me me although its about tony and cindy)

Summary: dont always give your opinion. Even if you have good intentions, you come off as selfish in one way or another.

^^^this prob made no sense im fukin spun lol

 

[CalicoSam]

Advice giving is complicated business. And giving advice can be non-constructive for all sorts of different reasons.

If someone tells you about a problem or an upcoming big move in their life, its kind of an opportunity to say something. Bankruptcy, its better to have a lawyer and I know a couple who deal with that. Bronchitis, see your doctor in the mean time stay hydrated. If there is an opening, putting in your opinion isn't bad, though you shouldn't expect any other adult needs to take your advice. Especially, no adult you give advice to needs to give you updates and status reports about the situation.

but i wonder if it is helpful even if it is absorbed.

A lot of times one's advice is not going to be understood. Sometimes one's advice is absurdly wrong for reasons the advised isn't going to explain.

The main thing is to offer when its invited and know there is a very good chance the offer will be declined and that its OK. A lot of solicitations for advice is psychologically complicated and distorted, but so is a lot of advice giving.

 

[Foreigner]

I'm okay with the person I've become, but that doesn't mean I couldn't have used some good advice along the way. Why reinvent the wheel when someone else has already blazed that trail and can help to spare you some difficulty? There's a lot that I had to figure out on my own when a little mentorship could've saved me a lot of hassle.

It's hard to make rules about advice giving. I find the process very intuitive and adaptive. But I do have some basic guidelines:
1) There must be a consensual understanding about the advice being offered, with basic respect and boundaries. (i.e. your problem is not my problem, I'm not here to fix you, don't kill the messenger, etc.)
2) The person already has the inner tools to figure things out, I'm just showing them the way to their own wisdom.
3) Do not give advice to people are addicted to asking for it, i.e. they NEVER check with themselves first.
4) Don't give advice to people who never take it.
5) Don't give advice to people who won't dialogue about it. People who want to talk at me incessantly without feedback are actually venting and monologuing, not asking for advice. These people are energy vampires.

#3-5 can be summed up as ungrounded people who are a waste of time. Either get grounded and come back to me, or just go away.

 

[Xorkoth]

I know what you mean, and I think it is mostly about context as to whether it's appropriate in a given case. In general, if a person is asking me for advice, I feel good about giving it to them except in isolated cases where I think they're not ready to hear my real advice. In the case of SLR and TDS posting, as you mentioned, I think that when someone posts a thread about something, they're asking for advice, so it seems entirely appropriate (and hopefully constructive since they are asking for it) to give your advice. If a friend or someone asks me for advice, I will give it usually, but if it's not being asked for, I generally won't. But, there are of course exceptions. Recently my friend has been involved in a nearly year-long, slow breakup with his girlfriend, with lots of yanking him around involved. He lives with me and nearly every day I have had to listen to him vent his pain out. At first I wasn't telling him my real advice when he asked, because I didn't feel right about getting that involved in his relationship. I would give him my advice on various situations, but even though I felt sure he should just cut ties with her, I didn't tell him that until he asked me specifically if I thought he should break up with her, multiple times. he went back on that for months and it got even worse for him, and I began being very free with my advice and frank about my opinions, because it was becoming more actually destructive to his life. I think sometimes advice should be given even when it's not asked for, if something is becoming dangerous to a person. Another example that illustrates this is that recently another friend of mine, who has a very addictive personality and has been through several severe addictions (including twice to opiates), received a solicitation call from an online pharmacy she dealt with in the past. They offered her a bunch of tramadol and she got all intense about it and said yes and was starting to give them her payment information. I was there at the time and I stopped her and told her that my strong opinion is that she should hang up the phone and not do it. My other friend, her husband, was also there and said the same. She told them to call her back in a couple of hours because she needed to talk to her husband, and to my knowledge she never went through with it (though it wouldn't surprise me if she did). The last time she got addicted to something she told me it scared her because she felt like she was doing it just to see if it would result in addiction, like she was daring herself to do it, even though she knew deep down it was going to happen. Since we have shared these things in the past I felt that, even though she did not want my advice and in fact got a little offended by it, it was not only my right, but actually my duty to attempt to intercede.

People might not always end up taking your advice, but at least it's in their head somewhere. I know in my past, in some cases I heard the same advice from various people over time, and eventually it really helped me to break through and accept and take that advice, even though I essentially ignored it each time except the last. In reality I didn't completely ignore it, I just chose not to take it at that time, because I wasn't ready to.

 

[lazydullard]

I wonder sometimes if telling a person something can be more important and useful and value-ful than maintaining a good relationship with them.

I never offer advice directly unless impressed to. I try to offer perspectives...

I wonder if some people's purpose is to say something piercing to someone, but how can you be sure it will even be received even if you're brave enough to rock the boat?

 

[Xorkoth]

You can't be sure, but sometimes I think it's something you should try anyway. I mean humans help each other, it's what makes us powerful as a species (of course humans not helping each other on a large scale is also our undoing, but on a small scale, cooperation and support is what raised us above the other animals). Sometimes the appropriate thing to do is try to be there for someone, even if they don't think they want it. It's a fine line though, and a difficult situation to analyze sometimes. Certainly sometimes advice is unwarranted and even selfish on the part of the advice-giver.