Hi, I'm an attractive 25 year old college student. Not the most beautiful woman in the world, but I get a lot of attention from guys. However, I have feminist views that seem to be driving everyone crazy, and they also seem to be bringing me to a dead end as well.
I just can't shake the knowledge that historically and presently women are viewed as sexual objects when it occurs WITHOUT respect to them. I don't have a problem with it when a woman seems to want it, but I feel so cheapened by the way men look at women instinctively. I feel like to them, we are nothing but bodies. This also reflects most of my sexual experiences. My early experiences consisted of "lets just try out some sex" encounters, which resulted in a lot of one sided pleasure (for the guy) and my general despair that sex is not all its cracked up to be. I was also date raped twice.
I feel like that negatively affected me. I became very promiscuous and felt determined to reprint my sexual experiences as something positive, and I have with two boyfriends. But in my head I still feel hostile to the idea of having sex with a guy, When I look back, I still feel disempowered by them and sexually insulted. It's honestly deterred me from wanting to seek new sexual experiences. Thinking about sex with a new man... makes me feel anxious, depressed, and angry. I feel like my real feelings are an unattractive burden and a shameful secret. I feel like no one will really want to love me the way I am. I also feel like these experiences have defined me however, and I don't know how to build a new sexual identity.
In attempting to build a new identity, I have now cut myself off from men and sex entirely since I broke up with my ex a month ago. Our relationship was based on sex, not love, and it ended because I realized he didn't love or appreciate me, and I didn't like the sex anymore the way I had used to. I know a month is not really any time, but I have never felt this way before. I feel like this decision is detrimental to my ability to preserve myself so that in the future I might feel sexually open again. Sometimes I still yearn for contact with men, but the feeling that I have never had my most important needs met or feelings accepted quickly turns any longing I feel into sadness. Plus I just feel guilty about my feelings anyways.
For my entire life since my first experiences I have felt guilty, for years I tried to change my feelings or find someone else to accept my feelings and could not. Now I feel like I have finally accepted my own feelings, and accepted the fact I have to keep to myself, and I feel okay with it except in one major respect. I feel like a failure. I feel like I am a poorly adjusted individual (woman in particular), and that I've failed myself and my sexuality which has brought me to this point. However, I do not entirely despair. I recognize that this is a chance, and may be my last chance, to rejuvenate myself so that I can feel sexually happy for the first time in my life.
The only kind of sexual activity I feel good about is masturbating. In fact, it's the only thing that helps me feel better sexually. I feel safe there, I don't feel judged, I don't feel objectified or imposed on, and I feel like I can just exist alone in my own sexual hell, which is full of terrible fantasies and then the sad but beautiful realization that I need to love myself. I also think about nice things with guys, but all the nice stuff seems to seriously be about cuddling and looking into each others eyes, never the sex. The sex seriously always seems to have a bit of a fucked aspect to them.. Being by myself feels pretty well like the only situation that can help me heal. Even the thought of kissing or hugging a guy makes me think of crying, because exposing how I feel to a man on an intimate level scares me and makes me feel like a failure for having such a sadness inside of me. I can orgasm fine. I've recently began to feel pleasure in my g spot and have those kind of orgasms, and before it was numb for years and for the past 2 or 3 years felt painful to the touch.
This brings me to the point about my public relations and how being a feminist is ruining things for me. Although I feel like a failure, I feel like I was set up for failure by society. I feel very disempowered by my sexual experiences, and any media or referrals to a disempowered sexual woman seems to open up the wounds inside of me, and this is troubling because I see this EVERYWHERE. In many cases it is presented as pleasurable, pleasurable for men only. And when I see a woman being abused and men enjoying it, I can hardly describe the sickness and oppression I feel. Sometimes it is presented as the woman enjoying her own pain, and for years this severely confused and traumatized me, because I was convinced that women like this have internalized the abuse men want to give them through sex, and they have turned this pain into pleasure. I do believe this is true, but realize now that for some people this is what sexual pleasure is about. In fact, I have experienced this pleasure myself. With my ex we would have very crazy porno style sex, and I genuinely enjoyed it. But then it began to leave me feeling empty and like nothing but a body. And I feel like this is the kind of sex that society readily offers to me - a million and a half chances everywhere I look to be valued as no more than my body and my animalistic sexual responses, which honestly just encourages me to feel disassociated with my own body and sexual responses in ways these days. And yet, even the opposite, sex with love scares the shit out of me. I don't feel comfortable handing anyone the tatters of my broken insides hoping that they will love me anymore, and I've been trying to do this for years. Guys have cared, but never fully. And I'm starting to realize I don't want them to fully care anyways, I honestly feel like the way I am is just a rip off to anyone who is looking for a happy woman.
Anyways, back to my public relations. I'm very open about my views on sexual inequality and feel very little support from people as a whole. I feel like most people have an entirely individual experience of sexuality, and don't nearly tie their own experiences to the power constructs of society or oppression. I feel like a rarity in that I feel so negatively affected by these systems, yet I know that statistically I am not. I believe that the world is shitty because of male dominated values of the patriarchy (competition, control, bloody sacrifice, rape, sedentary lifestyles,) and masculinity (strength, determination, rationality, science, virility, aggressiveness)... I truly believe these things are ruining everyones lives, even other mens. This is simply because seriously, the structural unconscious that governs all our lives operates on a philosophical thought that is closely associated with our language in the form of binary oppositions - essentially opposites. All the female gender role attributes (compassionate, nurturing, passiveness, nature) are opposites of the masculine ones, and are ALWAYS depreciated and devalued in the contexts of our greater society. Ask yourselves, what is the point of the world? Is it the masculine values or the feminine ones? Recognizing this does not mean I believe that every man and woman behaves with respect to traditional gender roles, WHAT I ACTUALLY want to say is - the world is governed by the masculine ones only! I often point to the fact that men and masculine evalues are often negatively associated, and in many cases are one and the same, I fully acknowledge that women can embody these values and be just as terrible.
However, one thing remains - men are sexually evil towards women in ways that women are ever so scarcely sexually evil in any way shape or form. Of course women abuse children, other women, and men. But 90% of sexual assault perpetrators are men. Most importantly, men seem to seriously believe that women were created for their sexual enjoyment, and that if they don't actually know a woman, then they NEVER have to feel bad about using her for sexual stimulation. That to me, blatantly points out the truth to me - men use women for their own sexual pleasure... the worst truth I have ever had to accept and that I cannot shake. I understand there is a pleasurable aspect to that, and I like it when a man is turned on, but for me it depends why more. Also when I determine that he feels that way without any compassion for the woman who inspired that feeling in him.... I really feel hurt by that.
I seriously am finding it increasingly difficult to get over this, and it's been 9 years since I was raped and had my first bad experiences. It's great that I'm experiencing greater physical sensations and that I feel a genuine urge to reconnect with myself, but I am worried that the aspect of myself that has me feeling cut off from men... is a new thing that might not ever go away. I constantly feel angry at the idea that anyone would want to have sex with me and immediately identify that their interest is based on the fact that I'm smart, interesting, good looking, opinionated, and therefore I must be a good time - no, I am not a good time, I am not sexually happy, I am not sexually interested, I am sexually offended and angry, and I just want the world to accept this. I also have a lot of reason to assume that they will not fully be able to accept my real feelings about sex or society, as this has been a feature of every relationship I have ever been in. I genuinely feel that the world does not want to accept a woman's sexual hurt or anger, ESPECIALLY when it is directed intentionally and openly towards patriarchal culture, which I believe is the direct cause of women's sexual oppression (as well as all oppression). I am voiced about this, and receive backlash and am told I am a man hater essentially. It just seems like there is absolutely no room in society for my level of pain and conviction, even though my experiences are REAL and I feel like they deserve a validated place in reality.
People are starting to view me as a heartless angry bitch I feel. I have very good friends that I've had forever, but I'm starting to feel like my level of being stuck in my misery will begin to test my friendships, especially with males. I also cannot fathom dating any of the great guys I do know, because I don't want to burden them with my sadness, reveal how I feel, and then lose a friend. It's just so much easier to try this out with guys who never meant anything to me before we dated, because truly, being abandoned by someone that actually loves me as a person and being defined by them as too sick to love, would seriously fuck me up.
I know that I should take care to find someone who has genuine care for me if I allow anyone to touch me or be with me. I understand that I've got to love myself, and I do, in order to heal. But that I have to continue to, and never hope that anyone else can make my pain or fears go away.
I think I have great chances at awesome happiness especially if I go and see someone. I have never spoken to anyone professional about being raped or my sexual experiences. When I was 16 my parents sent me to psychologists because I was getting kicked out of school/running away and I simply never admitted to them what I was going through. But I am considering seriously doing so now these days just to get help, because I feel like its abusive to myself to put so much pressure on myself, and also to others who really don't know how to help me.
As for healing sexually, I think being by myself is the answer. I would like tips on how to not feel irritated at the thought of having sex with guys though. I feel like it's a natural urge and it sucks to be pissed off or sad when I think about it... or to honestly feel angry when a guy compliments me on certain days..
My question is, Why can't people relate with me when it comes to awareness about sexual inequality? Is it, or is it not real? Why do people react so negatively to my associations of it to male abuse when really, usually these crimes are committed by men. Not to mention rape is a part of war... rape happens all the time, prostitutes are basically just women for men to abuse, its often filmed, and the common porno script is no better. When it comes to sexual oppression I'm certain masculine values and usually men are the ones causing it, but the real question is this - Is it, or is it not a problem? I feel like most women and men ignore the sexual oppression of women, I don't feel like I can, and I feel like it is driving people away from me.
I just can't shake the knowledge that historically and presently women are viewed as sexual objects when it occurs WITHOUT respect to them. I don't have a problem with it when a woman seems to want it, but I feel so cheapened by the way men look at women instinctively. I feel like to them, we are nothing but bodies. This also reflects most of my sexual experiences. My early experiences consisted of "lets just try out some sex" encounters, which resulted in a lot of one sided pleasure (for the guy) and my general despair that sex is not all its cracked up to be. I was also date raped twice.
I feel like that negatively affected me. I became very promiscuous and felt determined to reprint my sexual experiences as something positive, and I have with two boyfriends. But in my head I still feel hostile to the idea of having sex with a guy, When I look back, I still feel disempowered by them and sexually insulted. It's honestly deterred me from wanting to seek new sexual experiences. Thinking about sex with a new man... makes me feel anxious, depressed, and angry. I feel like my real feelings are an unattractive burden and a shameful secret. I feel like no one will really want to love me the way I am. I also feel like these experiences have defined me however, and I don't know how to build a new sexual identity.
In attempting to build a new identity, I have now cut myself off from men and sex entirely since I broke up with my ex a month ago. Our relationship was based on sex, not love, and it ended because I realized he didn't love or appreciate me, and I didn't like the sex anymore the way I had used to. I know a month is not really any time, but I have never felt this way before. I feel like this decision is detrimental to my ability to preserve myself so that in the future I might feel sexually open again. Sometimes I still yearn for contact with men, but the feeling that I have never had my most important needs met or feelings accepted quickly turns any longing I feel into sadness. Plus I just feel guilty about my feelings anyways.
For my entire life since my first experiences I have felt guilty, for years I tried to change my feelings or find someone else to accept my feelings and could not. Now I feel like I have finally accepted my own feelings, and accepted the fact I have to keep to myself, and I feel okay with it except in one major respect. I feel like a failure. I feel like I am a poorly adjusted individual (woman in particular), and that I've failed myself and my sexuality which has brought me to this point. However, I do not entirely despair. I recognize that this is a chance, and may be my last chance, to rejuvenate myself so that I can feel sexually happy for the first time in my life.
The only kind of sexual activity I feel good about is masturbating. In fact, it's the only thing that helps me feel better sexually. I feel safe there, I don't feel judged, I don't feel objectified or imposed on, and I feel like I can just exist alone in my own sexual hell, which is full of terrible fantasies and then the sad but beautiful realization that I need to love myself. I also think about nice things with guys, but all the nice stuff seems to seriously be about cuddling and looking into each others eyes, never the sex. The sex seriously always seems to have a bit of a fucked aspect to them.. Being by myself feels pretty well like the only situation that can help me heal. Even the thought of kissing or hugging a guy makes me think of crying, because exposing how I feel to a man on an intimate level scares me and makes me feel like a failure for having such a sadness inside of me. I can orgasm fine. I've recently began to feel pleasure in my g spot and have those kind of orgasms, and before it was numb for years and for the past 2 or 3 years felt painful to the touch.
This brings me to the point about my public relations and how being a feminist is ruining things for me. Although I feel like a failure, I feel like I was set up for failure by society. I feel very disempowered by my sexual experiences, and any media or referrals to a disempowered sexual woman seems to open up the wounds inside of me, and this is troubling because I see this EVERYWHERE. In many cases it is presented as pleasurable, pleasurable for men only. And when I see a woman being abused and men enjoying it, I can hardly describe the sickness and oppression I feel. Sometimes it is presented as the woman enjoying her own pain, and for years this severely confused and traumatized me, because I was convinced that women like this have internalized the abuse men want to give them through sex, and they have turned this pain into pleasure. I do believe this is true, but realize now that for some people this is what sexual pleasure is about. In fact, I have experienced this pleasure myself. With my ex we would have very crazy porno style sex, and I genuinely enjoyed it. But then it began to leave me feeling empty and like nothing but a body. And I feel like this is the kind of sex that society readily offers to me - a million and a half chances everywhere I look to be valued as no more than my body and my animalistic sexual responses, which honestly just encourages me to feel disassociated with my own body and sexual responses in ways these days. And yet, even the opposite, sex with love scares the shit out of me. I don't feel comfortable handing anyone the tatters of my broken insides hoping that they will love me anymore, and I've been trying to do this for years. Guys have cared, but never fully. And I'm starting to realize I don't want them to fully care anyways, I honestly feel like the way I am is just a rip off to anyone who is looking for a happy woman.
Anyways, back to my public relations. I'm very open about my views on sexual inequality and feel very little support from people as a whole. I feel like most people have an entirely individual experience of sexuality, and don't nearly tie their own experiences to the power constructs of society or oppression. I feel like a rarity in that I feel so negatively affected by these systems, yet I know that statistically I am not. I believe that the world is shitty because of male dominated values of the patriarchy (competition, control, bloody sacrifice, rape, sedentary lifestyles,) and masculinity (strength, determination, rationality, science, virility, aggressiveness)... I truly believe these things are ruining everyones lives, even other mens. This is simply because seriously, the structural unconscious that governs all our lives operates on a philosophical thought that is closely associated with our language in the form of binary oppositions - essentially opposites. All the female gender role attributes (compassionate, nurturing, passiveness, nature) are opposites of the masculine ones, and are ALWAYS depreciated and devalued in the contexts of our greater society. Ask yourselves, what is the point of the world? Is it the masculine values or the feminine ones? Recognizing this does not mean I believe that every man and woman behaves with respect to traditional gender roles, WHAT I ACTUALLY want to say is - the world is governed by the masculine ones only! I often point to the fact that men and masculine evalues are often negatively associated, and in many cases are one and the same, I fully acknowledge that women can embody these values and be just as terrible.
However, one thing remains - men are sexually evil towards women in ways that women are ever so scarcely sexually evil in any way shape or form. Of course women abuse children, other women, and men. But 90% of sexual assault perpetrators are men. Most importantly, men seem to seriously believe that women were created for their sexual enjoyment, and that if they don't actually know a woman, then they NEVER have to feel bad about using her for sexual stimulation. That to me, blatantly points out the truth to me - men use women for their own sexual pleasure... the worst truth I have ever had to accept and that I cannot shake. I understand there is a pleasurable aspect to that, and I like it when a man is turned on, but for me it depends why more. Also when I determine that he feels that way without any compassion for the woman who inspired that feeling in him.... I really feel hurt by that.
I seriously am finding it increasingly difficult to get over this, and it's been 9 years since I was raped and had my first bad experiences. It's great that I'm experiencing greater physical sensations and that I feel a genuine urge to reconnect with myself, but I am worried that the aspect of myself that has me feeling cut off from men... is a new thing that might not ever go away. I constantly feel angry at the idea that anyone would want to have sex with me and immediately identify that their interest is based on the fact that I'm smart, interesting, good looking, opinionated, and therefore I must be a good time - no, I am not a good time, I am not sexually happy, I am not sexually interested, I am sexually offended and angry, and I just want the world to accept this. I also have a lot of reason to assume that they will not fully be able to accept my real feelings about sex or society, as this has been a feature of every relationship I have ever been in. I genuinely feel that the world does not want to accept a woman's sexual hurt or anger, ESPECIALLY when it is directed intentionally and openly towards patriarchal culture, which I believe is the direct cause of women's sexual oppression (as well as all oppression). I am voiced about this, and receive backlash and am told I am a man hater essentially. It just seems like there is absolutely no room in society for my level of pain and conviction, even though my experiences are REAL and I feel like they deserve a validated place in reality.
People are starting to view me as a heartless angry bitch I feel. I have very good friends that I've had forever, but I'm starting to feel like my level of being stuck in my misery will begin to test my friendships, especially with males. I also cannot fathom dating any of the great guys I do know, because I don't want to burden them with my sadness, reveal how I feel, and then lose a friend. It's just so much easier to try this out with guys who never meant anything to me before we dated, because truly, being abandoned by someone that actually loves me as a person and being defined by them as too sick to love, would seriously fuck me up.
I know that I should take care to find someone who has genuine care for me if I allow anyone to touch me or be with me. I understand that I've got to love myself, and I do, in order to heal. But that I have to continue to, and never hope that anyone else can make my pain or fears go away.
I think I have great chances at awesome happiness especially if I go and see someone. I have never spoken to anyone professional about being raped or my sexual experiences. When I was 16 my parents sent me to psychologists because I was getting kicked out of school/running away and I simply never admitted to them what I was going through. But I am considering seriously doing so now these days just to get help, because I feel like its abusive to myself to put so much pressure on myself, and also to others who really don't know how to help me.
As for healing sexually, I think being by myself is the answer. I would like tips on how to not feel irritated at the thought of having sex with guys though. I feel like it's a natural urge and it sucks to be pissed off or sad when I think about it... or to honestly feel angry when a guy compliments me on certain days..
My question is, Why can't people relate with me when it comes to awareness about sexual inequality? Is it, or is it not real? Why do people react so negatively to my associations of it to male abuse when really, usually these crimes are committed by men. Not to mention rape is a part of war... rape happens all the time, prostitutes are basically just women for men to abuse, its often filmed, and the common porno script is no better. When it comes to sexual oppression I'm certain masculine values and usually men are the ones causing it, but the real question is this - Is it, or is it not a problem? I feel like most women and men ignore the sexual oppression of women, I don't feel like I can, and I feel like it is driving people away from me.
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![:\](https://bluelight.org/xf/BL_Images/Orig_Emoji/wrygrin.gif "wry grin :\")
