IOP ROUND 1 - WEEK 2
Summary of topic of the week: 7 Stages of Grief
The topic of the week was the 7 stages of grief based on the modified Kubler-Ross model which is based on her book Death and Dying (1969).According to her the seven stages are as follows:
- Shock - The initial paralysis at hearing the bad news/perceived loss.
- Denial - Trying to avoid the inevitable
- Anger - Bottled-up emotions that typically are expressed through frustration and anger.
- Bargaining - Seeking a way out usually through compromise. (ex: I swear God if you spare him, I'll never____ again.")
- Depression - Final realization of the inevitable loss.
- Testing - Seeking realistic solutions. (**This is typically not a stage in most works pertaining to grief, but is in hers**)
- Acceptance - Finally finding the way to move on from the loss.
Another part of the lecture focused on a 10 step process of grief which included:
- Shock
- Emotional Release
- Depression
- Physical Symptoms
- Panic
- Guilt
- Hostility
- Inactivity
- Gradual Recovery
- Adjusting into acceptance
Both lectures made it a point to emphasize that these stages can be experienced in any order, some concurrently, and maybe not at all in others. Both also listed different types of loss, moreso than death that generally comes to mind first including:
- Divorce
- Loss of a parent in childhood (through divorce or abandonment)
- Loss of a child (miscarriage, abortion, forced adoption)
- Loss of childhood (growing up early, forced to take on adult responsibilities causing the loss of freedom in childhood)
- Moving
- Recovery (not just drugs, but all compulsive behaviors, drugs, sex, gambling, etc)
Both lectures also provided some typical methods of coping with grief which included:
- Utilizing other coping skills for dealing with emotions
- Prayer, meditation (often say prayer is talking to God, meditation is listening for an answer)
- Journaling
- Talking about it/counseling/therapy
- Exercise
- Hobbies (drawing, music, writing, etc)
In addition to all of this, many of the IOP participants also had gone through their residential inpatient program, where "Grief Week" was discussed. Essentially, during "Grief Week" we were tasked with painting a rock with one side being all the things we wanted to gain in recovery, and the other side being everything we've lost. Then we were to carry this rock around with us at all times throughout the weekend (to symbolically represent the unprocessed grief we carry around, until 'the weight has been lifted'). On the last day of the 'Grief Week' we were to remain silent throughout the morning and too write two letters. The first letter was a letter to our addiction, the second one was another to one of our losses. At the conclusion of it in the afternoon, the letters were collected and burned, and we were given a balloon as well as an card. On the card we wrote one thing we wanted to get rid of, whether was included in the letters or not, tied to the balloon and ceremoniously released by everyone while 'Amazing Grace' played.
At first this exercise was "cheesy as fuck" in my opinion, and thought it was pointless. However, I must confess that since writing the letters and doing this, I've thought about the grievances a SIGNIFICANT amount less.
Assignment #2 - Timeline
Basically, this assignment entailed taking a large piece of butcher paper or poster board and constructing an actual timeline of your drug history to be presented in front of the group. You're supposed to include any significant drug related events in addition to the drugs used, and how often (if different from previous years). The purpose of this assignment is to give you a visual representation of your drug career, as well as the ability to clearly see how it has progressed from the beginning. Since I don't have the original timeline to take a picture of, I'll simply list the ages and stuff below.
Age 11 - First time getting drunk, tried cigarettes didn't see the point (started decade later though), Started smoking MJ, multiple times a day within weeks.
Age 12 - Started selling mj (I often say my cross addiction isn't just another drug but the entire lifestyle)
Age 13 - Prescribed Ritalin (which I stopped taking within weeks), Tried DXM (used occasionally)
Age 14 - Tried Benzos (occasionally)
Age 15 - Drinking increased as HS began. I tried (occasionally) and moved cocaine. First experiences (also occassionally) of RX opiates - generally vicodin or percocet.
Age 16 - Tried Ketamine (once), Started using and moving (weekends) MDMA/MDA.
Age 17 - Drinking further increased in frequency in quantity, still smoking MJ multiple times daily, all others occasionally.
Age 18 - RX benzos and painkillers (at that time oxycodone IR 30mgs, Oxycontin 40, 80mg) increased as access increased to do the fact I started moving them. Arrested for felony distribution of marijuana.
Age 19 - Sober for first 9 months, Cocaine (every weekend between UAs) which became crack after learning to cook, increase in benzo and painkiller usage.
Age 20 - MDMA slowed as quality dropped, drinking (socially), MJ back to all day everyday, RX painkillers progressed even further
Age 21 - Drinking increased as I hit bar scene, RX painkillers multiple times, daily (up to 300mgs/day), Mixed benzos and painkillers (which led to first OD), Started heroin (occasionally when rx wasn't around)
Age 22 - Everything slowed to support my opiate habit despite moving them, introduced to opana (oxymorphone), 2nd overdose (480mg oxymorphone, got pissed did 40mg more in ER parking lot smdh), Tried mushrooms (twice), Tried LSD (occasionally), Started PCP (weekends)
Age 23 - Arrested for suboxone (charges dropped), failed intervention, opana and heroin usage increased even further
Age 24 - Took PCP coming down from LSD and went into IOP following day (August 2012). Was clean until Dec, where I went back to smoking multiple times daily. Still moved shit even when sober.
AGE 25 - Gradually went back to everything (occasionally) except opiates.
Age 26 - Arrested June possession of cocaine, heroin, mj as passenger (driver took rap and used his PTI), arrested possession w/intent heroin in Oct 2015
Age 27 - MJ multiple times daily upon release, Found two wax folds did heroin (first time in 3+ years - was back daily within weeks)
Age 28 - Heroin usage progressed again, got shit transferred to AZ (in effort to stop moving shit) and tried BTH after 3 days. Meth (first usage, and occasionally - would have been sooner honestly but was only really a biker/gay club drug in NJ)
Age 29 - 3rd overdose (hit with narcan a few times in PHX), coke and crack again (occasionally) heroin was all day everyday until August 23rd when I checked into detox. Finished first round of treatment Wed before Thanksgiving (90+ days clean) to relapse three days afterward. Back into IOP two weeks later.
So from this you can see that I always had a taste for drugs and a somewhat addictive personality, though my worst was probably between 20 and 22 where I became an obvious addict, had overdoses, and began mixing/using whatever the hell I can get my hands on.
