Introducing Sub/Dom relationship in a marriage

[WannaBeSub]

I wonder if anyone here has experience in Sub/Dom relationship in a marriage... I'll start with a bit of background but would love to get advice or for anyone to share their experience.

I've had quite a sheltered upbringing. Sex was never really a big part of my life. Before my husband, I slept with 2 guys: a one night stand and a long-term relationship.

At the beginning of our relationship, sex was great. After a few years, I just saw it as another chore on my list. I would make any excuse under the sun to justify not having sex... Until, a couple of years ago, my husband had enough and our marriage was on the brink of breaking down.

I had a male friend at the time who I confided in and he helped me a lot. I made the conscious decision to never refuse sex. Whenever my husband wanted sex, regardless of what was going on, I would agree. I also pulled myself together and lost weight, started taking care of my appearance, wear makeup, do my hair, wear nice clothes.... Be sexy and attractive!

This has radically changed our relationship. It was like falling in love with my husband all over again. Now I am more or less at the point of wanting sex more than he does!!

Anyway.... The thing is that my male friend is into Daddy kink. Through our discussions, I realised that it was something that really turned me on. At the same time, my husband started to show signs of being dominant in bed... and I loved it! I tried to push it a little but I think the more I tried the more he would back off.

I feel quite awkward speaking about sex with him. We do occasionally but it is not something I feel 100% confident speaking about (although I'm getting better....).

I think he is into the Sub/Dom kink but I don't know how to bring it out of him. It seems to be a lot more present when he has had a drink.

I think we are at a turning point in our relationship and I want to make sure we go in the right direction. Sex seems to be very very seldom when he is sober. When he has had a few drinks, we have great sex but most of the time it will be all about pleasuring me.... he always play the "I've drunk too much" card. It's fine for me but frustrating at the same time because I want it to be about him too! He seems to get his pleasure from watching porn and just pleasuring himself when he's on his own... Although he says it is no reflection on me, it makes me feel inadequate.

I am crazy about him and all I want is to please him. I would be prepared to do pretty much anything to please him. I fantasize about him being my dom and me being his sub.... I just don't know how to make it happen and make it work.

It's a short synopsis but I would welcome any advice or comment

 

[Santa Hates You]

It would seem to me that if your husband has a dominant tendency or at least dominant thoughts, he is reluctant to express that with you in his normal sober mode because of the foundation of your marriage. Since your relationship began with vanilla (and eventually infrequent) sex, that has kind of set the tone…even though you had your epiphany, got interested again and turned the sexual tides.

Taking that step doesn’t change the fact that he still sees you as his wife that he loves and respects. Porn probably allows him to get into a headspace where he can detach. He can objectify the women and the sexual acts in a way that he’s not inclined to do with you—his wife that he loves and respects. It’s hard for certain people to just flip that switch, for fear of rejection and repercussions, etc., even if you are in fact encouraging him to do that very thing. A ‘different standard’ was set long ago, if you know what I mean.

When he tells you that his porn habit is no reflection of his feelings towards you, I suspect that he genuinely means that. It’s two separate things for him. Even though you want him to merge those two things in a sense, it’s difficult for some men, particularly considering the foundation of your marriage. Its common knowledge that most people are less inhibited when under the influence, which is probably why you’ve really only seen the glimpses of his dominant side at those times he was drinking.

Imagine him (sober) having to get into the role play mindset of objectifying his own wife, and believing in it enough to pull off a mutually satisfying D/s scene. I’m obviously speaking from a totally outsider’s point of view, but I’m telling you to imagine that out of him, yourself, and imagine what he might need to overcome that obstacle, based on what type of person he is. It might be an intimidating concept for him. Do you know what sort of porn he watches, or do you have any way of asking him or finding that out? (ie: parlay his likes into the evolution of your sex life. He may not be into the “Daddy” business even if he is into D/s.)

 

[WannaBeSub]

Thank you so much for that reply ?. That makes a lot of sense!

I guess the issue is that all this self-discovery has taken place in my head without him knowing. I was so scared of losing him that I turned things around, I changed, and he doesn't really know the new me. So however the signs I am sending him, the hints and the clues.... Some more subtle, some more obvious... He's not in the same place as me right now. I just hope that we can get to the same place...

I'm not overly fussed about the Daddy thing. It's more the Sub/Dom kink that does it for me. And considering we have kids.... I'm not sure if it would work. It might be awkward... I don't know.

I regularly check if he's left something open in his computer... (sometimes I wonder if he does it on purpose... but maybe I'm overthinking that lol). It's a variation of things, but generally it's quite mild porn. Pictures of pussies, women masturbating, big boobs, hairy pussies.... But the last time I checked he'd been watching videos of "forced sex". I can't always check what he watches but I try because I want to know what fires him up....

Last year I tried to spice things up by sending him pictures of me... but that never really got us anywhere. I didn't get the reaction I expected! My male friend told me men like their women to be faithfully slutty... I tried but I'm not sure he likes that slutty side....