Intimacy and Substance Use: Understanding Desire in a Long-Term Relationship

[boothby]

Hello everyone,

I'm reaching out for insights and shared experiences regarding a sensitive topic: the interplay between sexual experiences and drug use within a relationship. My girlfriend and I, both in our early thirties, have a decade-long relationship enriched with our fair share of adventurous years, including drug use. While our wilder days have given way to more serene evenings, there's a conversation I'm hoping to have with her soon about our sexual dynamics.

Our relationship began with an explorative approach to sexuality, but over time, this aspect has somewhat settled into a routine. I believe it's crucial to revisit and evolve this part of our relationship, especially considering my girlfriend's background. She grew up in a patriarchal, religious family, from which she has since distanced herself. Her appreciation for the respect and autonomy she experiences with me is heartening, and it underscores the importance of these values in our relationship. However, her upbringing seems to have instilled a deep-seated discomfort in discussing our sexual experiences, regardless of whether we're sober or under the influence, and this silence has limited our ability to fully explore our sexual desires together.

Recently, we've had some intense experiences, particularly on evenings involving stims, alcohol, or sth similar. These substances, known for lowering inhibitions and boosting confidence, revealed a less guarded side of her. Her signals were unmistakable, yet they left me pondering: Should I interpret these moments as revelations of her true desires, or are they merely fleeting expressions tied to an altered state?

I recognize that my own desires remain consistent, though I'm more inclined to act on them in certain states. But can one's personal experience be a reliable gauge for another's inner world? As I think about these questions, I'm seeking a sensitive yet open approach to broach this topic with her. It's essential to navigate this discussion without causing discomfort, as my goal is to deepen our connection and understanding of each other's desires and needs.

Any thoughts or experiences you could share would be appreciated.

 

[Dextro .45]

You two should each drop a 100ug standard dose tab of LSD few hours before foreplay….good music, well showered and clean….massage baby oil all over her lol, feet, legs, thighs, ass, etc….it’ll be the best erotic, sensual sex you’ll ever have. Simply Amazing

 

[Opi_Kid_Rock]

Have you two explored MDMA together? The therapies are going in that direction anyways. It may set the stage for deep empathy and connection with self and partner.

 

[boothby]

It's not that we can't create such scenarios, as both @Opi_Kid_Rock and @Dextro .45 have recommended, with the exception that we currently feel uncomfortable with the idea of indulging in longer-lasting psychedelics. The primary issue for me lies in integrating these profound experiences into our everyday lives. I'm not interested in regularly using drugs just for the sake of enhancing our sexual experiences indefinitely. Moreover, as our responsibilities in life increase, such opportunities become scarcer. But I cannot deny that I've thought about incorporating MDMA into this discussion, not for the act itself, but with the aim of initiating an open, non-judgmental, and fearless conversation.

Recent intense experiences have provided us with numerous insights, and I'm pondering how to incorporate these revelations into our sober interactions. Some might argue that we've come this far, so why not take the plunge and gauge the response? However, we're discussing boundaries that must be respected, requiring clear communication and her consent well in advance. While it might be easy for us to go with the flow when we're high, this dynamic doesn't necessarily translate to our sober state.

From my perspective, there are several critical topics we need to address to nurture our shared desires and grow as a couple. Ultimately, it comes down to how indicative our desires, needs, and lust are in different states of mind. Should we interpret them as uncovering something hidden within us, perhaps concealed by our expectations, self-image, and societal influences?

As an example, suppose I've noticed a recurring theme where my partner appears to enjoy certain power dynamics when we're under the influence. Should I address this as a potential reflection of her true desires, warranting a different approach when sober? Or should I regard it as something extraordinary reserved for these special occasions?

I am absolutely clear about the fact that I should ask my girlfriend about these concerns and not seek advice from random individuals on the internet. However, as I indicated before, discussing such intimate matters with her is delicate, and I need to approach this conversation with careful consideration.

 

[Salem_is_tired]

Recent intense experiences have provided us with numerous insights, and I'm pondering how to incorporate these revelations into our sober interactions. Some might argue that we've come this far, so why not take the plunge and gauge the response? However, we're discussing boundaries that must be respected, requiring clear communication and her consent well in advance. While it might be easy for us to go with the flow when we're high, this dynamic doesn't necessarily translate to our sober state.

From my perspective, there are several critical topics we need to address to nurture our shared desires and grow as a couple. Ultimately, it comes down to how indicative our desires, needs, and lust are in different states of mind. Should we interpret them as uncovering something hidden within us, perhaps concealed by our expectations, self-image, and societal influences?

As an example, suppose I've noticed a recurring theme where my partner appears to enjoy certain power dynamics when we're under the influence. Should I address this as a potential reflection of her true desires, warranting a different approach when sober? Or should I regard it as something extraordinary reserved for these special occasions?

I am absolutely clear about the fact that I should ask my girlfriend about these concerns and not seek advice from random individuals on the internet. However, as I indicated before, discussing such intimate matters with her is delicate, and I need to approach this conversation with careful consideration.

I think you have the most important thing in mind already: boundaries and open space for her. It is really nice to hear, especially as a fellow person who opens up certain topics quite hard, even for my own partner. You are coming from the right place, with the right intentions.
If you ask me, I would say that just because she likes/does/says something while under the influence of anything, it doesn't mean she loves it or hates it - meaning, the power dynamics. I do/say many stuff to my partner while drunk that later looking back I feel are half-baked opinions or feeling, but they felt good or true at the moment, at that headspace - or even help me understand my own feelings and thought better, as I say it out loud or ask him to try something with me. But that is just a "testing phase" even for me.

If you want to talk about this with her, something that really worked for me, was when we arranged a "date" to talk about/talk out stuff, depending how big the issue/topic was. Let's say, three days/a week/x later you would like to talk about this or that with her, because it would be important for you to understand it, even just a bit better. And if the topic is not finished by the end of the conversation, give her another three days and after the litter break, jump back to continue it.
This really worked for me, since it give me some sense of protection - I don't have to gather all my thought at that right moment, when my bf wanted to talk - but also made me to think about it, not just shove it under the rug. And many times I even went back, and changed my opinion or what I said, just because since the last talk, my opinion or feelings changed.

Good luck, and I hope you everything will be right with your girlfriend!

 

[boothby]

Thank you @Salem_is_tired for your kind words and sharing your own experience

Let's say, three days/a week/x later you would like to talk about this or that with her, because it would be important for you to understand it, even just a bit better.

I've always approached conversations with the intent to thoroughly explore every topic. The idea that not every conversation needs to be exhaustively pursued, and that sometimes pausing or taking a break can actually be beneficial, is a refreshing thought. I'm going to apply this in not just this particular discussion.

 

[Salem_is_tired]

Thank you @Salem_is_tired for your kind words and sharing your own experience

I've always approached conversations with the intent to thoroughly explore every topic. The idea that not every conversation needs to be exhaustively pursued, and that sometimes pausing or taking a break can actually be beneficial, is a refreshing thought. I'm going to apply this in not just this particular discussion.

I'm really happy If I wrote something useful It sounds like that your gf has a lot on her plate, a hardcore patriarchal, religious family can really fuck up a young girl. I really root for you guys, I hope you find a technic or way to talk about it. Just have a lot of patience with her - but by the way you wrote about it, I'm sure you have.

 

[garygroundwork]

I definitely think drugs are the reason some people only actually carry out certain sex acts. Yeah they may think about them but going through with them, drugs are often the cataylst.

Try spicing it up with 3 somes group sex orgies etc... always fun and keeps the relationship spicy.