Interpersonal boundaries: what's been the most difficult one for you to maintain?

[MyDoorsAreOpen]

In other words, what sort of person, with what sort of role in your life or relationship to you, has given you the most trouble in figuring out what's appropriate to say or do? For example, I've met people who never seem to have much trouble clicking with coworkers, but always tend to make asses of themselves when forced to deal with their bosses or managers. I've met teachers who can connect very well with a classroom of adolescents when teaching a subject they know well, but either clam up or put their foot in their mouths whenever they're surrounded by adolescents in an informal social setting. Some people navigate the grey area between 'friend' and 'acquaintance' that characterizes relationships like 'drinking buddy' and 'fellow member of my gamers' guild' with grace and satisfaction, never disclosing too much or too little. On the other hand, I've winced as I've witnessed people mistaking folks they pay to provide them a service for close friends who'd be willing to hear their life stories for free.

For anyone who isn't completely thick, there's a distinct and pungently unforgettable flavor of embarrassment that comes with hearing someone imply to you "What you just said is way over the line" or "I don't know why you're talking to me about that, so let's drop it." Usually one such incident, I find, is enough for me to effectively reassess where I stand with that person and avoid a second one with that person or anyone similar in my life. But every now and then there'll be someone in your life where dealing with them feels like learning the course of an electric fence in pitch dark. Can you think of any? In the end, what did you finally learn about dealing with that type of person?

 

[llama112]

I'm not very good with friends. Or coworkers. Is that what you mean?

I'm an awesome girlfriend, an awesome employee, an awesome sister/daughter, those are easy relationships, but I find it extremely difficult (and not very rewarding) to maintain regular friendships and to really bond with coworkers. People don't hate me, my coworkers like me okay, we get along, but that's about it.

 

[rangrz]

I tend to have no issues with it... I can maintain a professional interaction with someone when they obviously want to be only professionally involved, but I also tend to make most of my co-workers into my friends as well.

I can maintain platonic vs romantic boundaries well, keeping it strictly platonic when it's apparent that's what the other person wants, but all of my romantic partners started as being friends first, always stayed during our romantic involvement (as in, we treated each other like friends as well as lovers, making jokes/poking fun at each other, getting high together, partying together, etc.) and almost all of them are still my friends. I mean, I was best friends with my fiance for *6* years before we became romantic (there was an underlying element of romance during those years of course) and to this day, we're still best friends. We party with each other, take the piss out of each other, etc just like best friends.

But perhaps it is because I don't really stick people into boxes by relationship type. I don't sort people as "friends vs co-workers" or "friends vs lovers" or "FWB vs romantic partner" I just go with whatever seems natural and don't feel inhibited about going clubbing with another Lt or going for dinner and drinks with someone who is "just a friend".

I find one of the big points to doing this is not to treat girls and boys different. I have no issue with having a girl who's my buddy...I can go the library with a girl, talk smack about differential geometry on D=(N>3) manifolds with her, then go to a club, do some K with her, and not feel that I need to be courting her, bang her, etc. I don't believe in the "friend zone" or "the ladder" or other butthurt cis-het guy bullshit.
On the reverse, I'm not averse to having guy friends on the grounds of "I don't need anymore dick in my life".

I do find as a result of that tho, most of friends are not exactly normative... They're mostly alty, the girls are mostly lesbian or bi but heavily polarized towards other females. The guys are generally not the type who are out there trying to pull tail, or beefing with other guys. Etc.

But they're all fuckin dope and I'd rather be in their company than hanging out with bros and bro-hoes.

 

[wizekrak]

I'm pretty good with this as well. I have a trusting face and mannerisms apparently so people tend to feel quite comfortable around me. It doesn't hurt that in my profession a large part of it is eliciting that people may not necessarily want to divulge or initially feel comfortable divulging. So I think a lot of that carries over in to my personal life. I find if you're a disarming person by nature you tend to get a lot more. I'm picky with who I let in my inner circle though.

 

[RedRum OG]

im pretty strange with everyone. very introverted, and anxiety prone, but in general just enjoy my alone time, find it hard to relate to people, who all seem too caught up with trying to be "cool". americans (not that ive spent significant time in other countries) all seem very influenced by media and all do their best to imitate TV and music especially, whether they realize it or not

with my old childhood/highschool friends i find myself relaxed, honest, and having fun, being fun myself

with friends ive met since being a junkie/ex junkie, i find it hard to connect, and am disgusted by their simple, short sighted, unempathetic , and selfish behavior. (ironic coming from a junkie right?)

with girlfriends im totally different though. i feel too much connection when its someone i really like, i am too willing to share love, and share myself. unfortunately most girls my age shouldnt be taken seriously and are just into being drunken college slut types. depressing. i dont want a relationship with someone who thinks banging a different dude every week is anything other than pathetic

 

[Morphling]

I'm not so great with co-workers, especially after work. Got fired from a job a few years ago for dancing on top of the bar with the manager's sister at her birthday party...guess that was over the line.

 

[ParappaTheRapper]

one time I made this hilarious joke on an internet forum about seth rogan and some fuzzy dice cuz this dude thought he got this chick preggers...buutttt that didn't go over well....lol

But yo. fo real. there is a thang. and this thang is real. and that is "high self monitors vs. low self monitors".

If I catch OPs point correctly, google said concept. there are studies that show average marital satisfication lengths, sucess rates, etc for each.

in short. I say whatever I want to whoever I want.

Is there a time and a place for everything? yes. Is tact important sometimes? yes. But speaking your mind and being natural is goodly.

 

[Tude]

Most everyone I meet likes me. I have no shame and I say what I think. I don't give a fuck whether people like me or not, and it seems like this attracts people to me, this "realness," for lack of a better term.

 

[Noodle]

Without a tight social unit at home to be very open and unabashed with, I tend to let loose more often than the tight ass world of business presentation would seem to allow.

I used to blow off steam in The Lounge.

Now, I couldn't care less. I know my co-workers/employer enough to know when I have crossed the line into territory that may require some mending.

I'm of the opinion, that we only live once! and this life is ours to do with and experience as we see fit.

 

[YaBa]

Connecting with male friends. I'm lucky to have couple of really good friends, but often I find it hard to relate with many guys I know. Kind of feel that many of them are not intellectual enough, or maybe they are just not interested being intellectual. Sometimes I also envy them for that, because it feels like it's a lot easier for them to just have fun without thinking too much. And if I hang out with them quickly I start to feel bored and soon I'm seeking something else to do. With women it's easier, because even if there's no anything intellectual (not sure why the difference between men/women but usually there is) there is always sexual tension that keeps things interesting.

 

[Jackal]

I don't have too many troubles maintaining a decent boundary with most people, regarding myself.

However I own a bar and am some type of weird cross between a shrink and a priest to my customer base of mainly expatriate americans, europeans and antipodeans. I know just about everybodys shit, whether I like it or not. . . because drunks spill their guts, and in an expat socitey there may not be many other people these men and women can talk to candidly.

 

[Belisarius]

Strangely enough, the people I interact with most naturally have always been my coworkers, and almost all of my close friends started out as coworkers, first. What's strange is that even interacting with my coworkers outside of work feels different, and as often as not I'm strangely tongue-tied.* Though this sounds solipsistic (or even narcissistic), coworkers feel like placeholders, which is why I don't mind being effusive. Outside of work, they suddenly become "real" people, and I have trouble with those; even my close friends are people I physically interact with rarely in the course of a year. In a similar vein, I find it much easier to talk to strangers at work than outside of work, since I'm somewhat screened by my position; in other words, I'm a placeholder to them, and there's no real investment coming or going in that temporary transaction.

*Probably this has been the biggest factor deep-sixing my relationships with women. When people say "Be natural," I really have no idea what that means w.r.t. interacting with women, or people in general.

 

[ParappaTheRapper]

^ your screen name looked like ball sak to me at first.