internal shaking from anxiety

[lasthurrah19]

Hi everyone,

I have PTSD and started having a troublesome symptom last night. Furthermore, it triggered me into flashbacks as this was a constant while I was going through a long period of intense sexual/physical abuse. I had talked to my doctor in detail about a ritual sexual thing that happened a lot, and I went into too much detail for my own good, so it was a combination of embarrassment, shame, and urges to punish myself for "telling".

So basically, it feels like I'm shaking, like it would be really obvious to someone looking at me, but you can barely see it in actuality. It's very uncomfortable. I called my doctor this morning as I was having some self harm thoughts and stuff, but they have gotten better in the past few hours, thankfully. But my real question is, what's the physical reason behind this? Adrenaline? I know no one can say for sure, and my doctor said that he has heard about this before, though it's somewhat uncommon.

Also, any help with stopping this when it starts would be awesome. I take 50mg of Seroquel for anxiety PRN, but it didn't touch this. I don't take benzos because when I started, the rebound anxiety from even taking them PRN was awful.

Can anyone relate to this and/or have some ideas about my questions? Thanks. I almost went to the hospital because of this, it was really awful. It's still there now, but not nearly as bad. It felt like some kind of whole body tingly/shakey, even almost massage like not unlike MDMA, but in an uncomfortable way. Hope this makes sense.

 

[attempt4]

I too suffer from anxiety and it's horrible, i know.

You really shouldn't feel shame for telling your doctor....your emotions are all over the place because you took a big step in telling him and opening up more. What you did to extreme courage, so please dont beat yourself up over this, instead, try and find a gladness for it.

I dont talk to anybody I know, in person, about any of my past issues and whatnot because it does take alot to do that...I could only dream of having the strength you displayed in vocalising these incidences to him.

I cant think what to suggest, other than phoning and telling your doctor about the shaking. I wouldn't want to recommend any drugs right now. If I feel shakey and nervous, alcohol will help, as will kratom, which is A WONDERFUL plant for anxiety. Absolutely amazing. I've taken it upon myself to quit it now after about 4yrs though and the anxiety is horrible, now i remember why i loved it so much.

But please ignore these fleeting thoughts of self-harm, because none of this is your fault and you shouldn't be the one who comes out hurt from this. You went through alot and showed the bravery to keep on truckin' in life...never forget how strong a person you really are what you're capable of.

 

[Legerity]

Beta-blockers (like propranolol) can be helpful for blocking the effects of adrenaline if that is what is causing these symptoms. I'm not sure how effective they would be for stopping the symptoms after they start, I think they are usually taken beforehand, for example if somebody was going to give a public speech. But it might be something helpful..

 

[lasthurrah19]

That makes sense. I was on a beta-blocker about a year ago because my blood pressure was going from like 140/80 to crazy high like 200/110, and my heart rate was 120+, continuously. I found this out when I was hospitalized last March and they checked your BP and heart rate twice a day, well they were doing it every two hours at one point, and I almost had to go to the medical part of the hospital. Now, I'm 25 years old, overweight, and my family does have a history of heart disease. But, I never had these symptoms at all, and all of a sudden I did, and both myself and my doctor thought it was from anxiety.
The beta-blocker, oh I remember it was metoprolol. It lowered my BP to normal levels, but my heartrate was still over 100 always. Unfortunately, for some reason (I'm sure someone in ADD would know), this caused me to have a really bad asthma attack where I was in the hospital for about a week. They took me off the metoprolol and that's where I still stand now. I should have taken care to go to the doctor again to try something else, but well I guess I don't think of my health that much, due to depression I guess.

I do also feel a lot like when my BP was high in the hospital. Just a quick search on google, and shaking/trembling is listed on some as a possible symptom of high BP. I have no idea for sure if this is what's going on, this is just me thinking with the info you gave me... so I should probably go to a GP and get checked out. I also have the beginning of hypothyroidism, but as of yet it is untreated. But there doesn't seem to be a connection there. So I guess I need to go to the doctor. I hate my current doctor, and he's the doctor for my whole family, which isn't in my best interest as I can't really be too honest with him about what is causing me anxiety etc... I've been planning on going to a new doc, and my psychiatrist recommended someone he knew and went to school with, so I'm going to go there if they take my insurance. It mostly sucks because taking my blood pressure and stuff, they're going to see my scars from self harm and I'll have to tell them I'm an addict etc (for my own good), so it's embarrassing.

Thanks

 

[lasthurrah19]

I too suffer from anxiety and it's horrible, i know.

You really shouldn't feel shame for telling your doctor....your emotions are all over the place because you took a big step in telling him and opening up more. What you did to extreme courage, so please dont beat yourself up over this, instead, try and find a gladness for it.

It's like, I know 1. I broke a promised brainwashing "rule" so to speak 2. this shit wasn't my fault 3. talking about it could help me and has in the past 4. this is the reaction I've always gotten when I tell a "secret" like that, I just haven't done it in a while and don't remember them too clearly cause of the dissociation.

But, deep down I feel like somehow I shocked him, even though I'm sure he's heard everything before. I was pretty dissociated when I said this stuff, it was a brief point in the convo, so I was looking straight ahead in that dissociative way and I saw him shake his head (in my peripheral vision) like someone does when they hear something that upsets him. So that's part of it. He ended up basically affirming what I said to him, saying maybe going into detail right now is not good cause of how bad it was making me dissociate, I agreed and he basically tried to distract me and I did go along with it but really I was totally on autopilot and I'm sure he knew that, and I think I told him that at some point but I'm not sure... I have DID and I didn't totally switch (somehow), but I was somewhat not there.

I dont talk to anybody I know, in person, about any of my past issues and whatnot because it does take alot to do that...I could only dream of having the strength you displayed in vocalising these incidences to him.

It took me about four years after the abuse had stopped (I escaped and went back home to live with my parents) to be able to talk about the abuse at all. Now I can talk about the basics easily to just about anyone, but of course I use discretion on who I discuss it with. My parents know, my good friends know, other patients when I was in group therapy knew, countless therapist I've had at different inpatient places, etc. It rarely effects me too much anymore, as long as it's basic and I don't go into specifics. You can do it too, believe me. From what I saw in the program I was in, people usually don't talk about it for much longer than it took me too, for some reason I did it at a pretty early age.

I cant think what to suggest, other than phoning and telling your doctor about the shaking. I wouldn't want to recommend any drugs right now. If I feel shakey and nervous, alcohol will help, as will kratom, which is A WONDERFUL plant for anxiety. Absolutely amazing. I've taken it upon myself to quit it now after about 4yrs though and the anxiety is horrible, now i remember why i loved it so much.

Yeah, I'm not going to mess with any drugs, not good with my mindset. If I don't somehow get rid of some of this cognitive dissonance in some kind of healthy way, it's just going to come back later. I know that, but it's frightening, I find myself crying in the fetal position hugging my pillow having flashbacks or thinking about what I said to the doctor and other things I consider stupid that I've said or done, basically anything I think I fucked up at... which is a lot of things, I'm very insecure, to say the least. I think about how people probably see through my persona of what I display as kind of eccentric person, but a knowledgeable person and I get along with everyone who's not an asshole and some assholes too. I don't really know if that's true or not, no one ever says anything and people are mostly too into themselves to be perceptive enough to pick up on the masks some people hide behind.

I do this with everyone except my mom, therapist, and psychiatrist. Less with my mom, I'll tell her how I'm feeling but not why if I don't think it's appropriate, obv it will upset her or whatever. I have bad social anxiety but you'd never know it by how I act, I can dissociate and pull out another part of me to help me or whatever, I'll barely remember what happened but no one knows the difference (except therapist/psych).

I think I need to make another appt with him to deal with this, he asked me if I wanted to make one for sooner but we decided I'd wait a day and call him tomorrow and hopefully some of this shit will have passed. It's still pretty bad and although the body tingles/trembling is still there, the total panic fetal position thing is happening like, once or twice an hour instead of constantly, and I'm not going totally into the flashbacks. If I talk to myself out loud and repeat the date, where I am, and the phrase "It happened, but it's not happening now", eventually I calm down and I see the event not so close up, if that makes sense... I still see it in my mind, but it doesn't feel like it's happening right now, once I talk myself out of it.

I don't do the autopilot that much anymore (once in a while when I'm doing something I'm not comfortable with, like in the past buying drugs I'd be like this), so completely like that, but I'm a good actor when it comes to things like this, I don't want anyone to know my problems so I act like everyone else when in groups... I'm sure plenty of other people do this stuff. It's just really effecting me right now and my head is filled with hateful things towards myself and I keep having to try and block it out by either dissociating which I'm trying to avoid or smoking cigs which works most of the time for at least a few minutes. I also tell myself and my alters to shut up, not so nice but it's almost an automatic response right now. And again it usually works for a few minutes.

But please ignore these fleeting thoughts of self-harm, because none of this is your fault and you shouldn't be the one who comes out hurt from this. You went through alot and showed the bravery to keep on truckin' in life...never forget how strong a person you really are what you're capable of.

Thanks. Somewhere I believe this, it's like I believe I was originally like that, but got corrupted by all that happens and now I'm broken and used goods so to speak... I know that's something I got taught and it's not really true, it was a natural reaction to an abnormal situation. My head believes what you say but my heart doesn't, if that makes sense. Maybe one day I can believe that I am strong, like I know cognitively I am, but right now it just won't go through.

Thanks so much for your post, I can see how I'm framing this in the way you said and that it's pretty much inevitable for me when I talk about these things in detail... and it's happened before with other things (though I think this is the most embarrassing, while another thing is more shame producing), and I did react this way with those things as well.

Sorry this is so long, I'm trying to work out my feelings logically so I can be more in the here and now, while not blocking them completely, basically feeling what I can handle. It's really amazing how I can modulate my emotions most of the time by just dissociating on command if I want to... it used to be completely automatic and I never thought I'd have any control over it. But certain things still make me do it automatically, like what happened with the doctor yesterday. Ideally right now I should feel the anxiety vs dissociation, anxiety is normal to some extent and if I block it out it'll just come back stronger next time. It's hard to deal with it but I'm doing it for now, shaking and all.

Ok, I'm stopping now.

 

[lasthurrah19]

I made another appointment, luckily he had one for today at 5pm, which is less than two hours from now EST.

Either this will make me feel better or make me need to go inpatient, but this anxiety is killing me so I can't just let it be until I see him in two weeks.

Thanks for the input guys, will update on how it goes. I'm scared.

 

[Lolie]

Adrenaline surges on their own can make you feel all shaky and jittery, but when that adrenaline isn't used there's a nasty rebound effect - your blood chemistry is literally changed. Adrenaline is your body's reaction to the "fight or flight" response - it's released in preparation for physical action.

Flashbacks, anxiety, and a shitload of other things can trigger the release of adrenaline and a full blown panic attack. Over time, any one of the symptoms of panic can set off the whiole cascade - anything at all which elevated my heart rate used to set off a panic attack when my panic disorder was at its worst.

Medication is great for stopping attacks in their tracks, but the long term answer depends on learning other strategies for managing stress and anxiety - a good therapist can teach you a range of techniques for doing this.

 

[lasthurrah19]

Adrenaline surges on their own can make you feel all shaky and jittery, but when that adrenaline isn't used there's a nasty rebound effect - your blood chemistry is literally changed. Adrenaline is your body's reaction to the "fight or flight" response - it's released in preparation for physical action.

Flashbacks, anxiety, and a shitload of other things can trigger the release of adrenaline and a full blown panic attack. Over time, any one of the symptoms of panic can set off the whiole cascade - anything at all which elevated my heart rate used to set off a panic attack when my panic disorder was at its worst.

Medication is great for stopping attacks in their tracks, but the long term answer depends on learning other strategies for managing stress and anxiety - a good therapist can teach you a range of techniques for doing this.

Thank you. I have learned many techniques but this was worse than I have experienced since I started therapy, well probably not, but from what I remember.

I saw my doctor and I feel a whole lot better. Basically he said that of course what I said effected him as it was disturbing in the moment, but it didn't change his opinion of me, my treatment, etc. Basically anyone would have reacted that way, which it was not much of a reaction really, I was just fixating on it due to shame etc. and also how the progress I've made from not ever discussing it for 4 year after I got away, totally shutting it off and pretending it didn't happen, to making a disclosure like this, was in his words "impressive". He also said that it was courageous of me to deal with this face on by coming back asap, as opposed to continued dissociation/self harm thoughts and also IMO it would have lead to being hospitalized. Of course it was much more detailed than and he didn't just throw these things at me, it was in the course of our discussion. But I really do feel worlds better.

I'm still having the shaking but I feel close to normal at this point, which means moderate anxiety, but I can deal with it now.

Thanks everyone.

 

[attempt4]

Shit, sorry, I meant to come first thing this morning and reply to your long post in reply to mine. I really appreciated that you took the effort and drive to write as much as you did about how you feel.

But anyway, i'm really glad you made more progress today and feel better This is the first step, which is the hardest now over with and it can only get better from here, with the aid of what seems an effective psychiatrist.

I wish you all the best though and please update us with how you're doing often, PM me if you need too, anytime

 

[lasthurrah19]

Shit, sorry, I meant to come first thing this morning and reply to your long post in reply to mine. I really appreciated that you took the effort and drive to write as much as you did about how you feel.

But anyway, i'm really glad you made more progress today and feel better This is the first step, which is the hardest now over with and it can only get better from here, with the aid of what seems an effective psychiatrist.

I wish you all the best though and please update us with how you're doing often, PM me if you need too, anytime

Thank you, you were totally dead on in your post and it really helped me realize that talking about it as soon as I could was really important. He is a great psychiatrist/therapist, like amazingly good. I'm on a bunch of meds also and I completely trust his judgment, plus we usually decide most things together since I have a better understand of pharmacology than most of his patients (thank bluelight for that)... last session we talked about my HPPD stuff briefly (it's mild) and it turned into a discussion about LSD and he agreed with me that in the right setting it could be very therapeutic, and we also discussed some of the history of psychedelic use by native tribes and stuff like that, I was surprised he knew so much about it, more than I do. Anyway, off topic there.

I can't believe that I lived in that kind of visceral feeling for so long, the way I was feeling was how I felt 24/7 for at least ten years before I started getting better at controlling it (including the time with said sexual predator). I never want to go back to that, and this experience well could of had me back there for longer, so again thanks so much.