Mental Health inside the mind of a lunatic

[BatShitCrazy]

Hi everyone.

This post is not a joke, I don't think any1 would take it that way, but I had to be sure.

my name is..... lets just say "bat" for now.

I have some mental issues that I have dealt with for a long time(as long as I can remember) and its been getting worse in the recent past(4-5 years). I understand I am calling myself a lunatic, its not the prettiest word, but it is all good. I do not hide from what I am, maybe someone else will think otherwise, but this is my opinion.

My lovely girlfriend has been helping me so much, shes an angel, I truly wish she had someone greater...
I usually keep my issues and thoughts to myself especially about what thoughts i have in my head and how my mind processes things. Recently though I "let her in" and shared my inner most thoughts and how my mind works, and well.... she was shocked! But, she also said it was very interesting so i thought possibly other people might want to know how someone like "me" works.

I have been aware of my insanity for a while, like i said earlier. I handle it very well, that's the reason i guess i am not locked up or something. I do not act on my thoughts, or outburst things i am thinking. i calmly wait till they pass, then decide what to do. Its not the most convenient way of handling things, but it ensures i don't stick out from society like a sore thumb.

sorry i haven't shared my "inner mind" yet. I am honestly quite nervous and am reluctant of someone taking my post as an act of "trolling" or something, its a very delicate subject at times for me and i do not want to take the time to type it if it will just be dismissed or ignored.

I feel like people who are "sane" would be interested in knowing how my mind processes things from a minute to minute basis. If i didn't think this way and someone told me they did, well, i'd be interested. So, sorry about how long this is, but if anyone would like to know how someones mind who doesn't have a "level head" please, say something. i would love to share if someone is interested but, if no one is interested, please don't be cruel.... just say no. Thanks

p.s. also, if i could possibly learn how to deal with this better, i would love to! thanks again for anyone who took the time to read this and answer, even if they said no.

 

[anti150]

This is pretty interesting.. Do you take antipsycotics ? How old are you? Drug user? I am interested, please do tell

 

[Jabberwocky]

I love your restraint and how you set the ground rules for how you'd like to share. I want to hear it, especially if you think putting it into words will help you move forward. We're all a lot more lunatic then we let on. I'm willing and happy to listen without judgement.

 

[sam05]

i too was once a bit "insane". anti psychotics and going through drug induced psychosis really changed me. i'd be interested to as well to read what you would like to share.

 

[jammin83]

^On them or coming off of them? My experience coming off of them has been interesting or something like that. Pure insanity for a while. I also had a psychotic episode coming off of benzos which was pretty traumatic. Maybe we could be friends?

OP, I think plenty of people on this board are at least a little bit wacky. You are in good company. Please share. We all would like to know.

 

[sam05]

^On them or coming off of them? My experience coming off of them has been interesting or something like that. Pure insanity for a while. I also had a psychotic episode coming off of benzos which was pretty traumatic. Maybe we could be friends?

OP, I think plenty of people on this board are at least a little bit wacky. You are in good company. Please share. We all would like to know.

in my early stages before i was diagnosed schizophrenic, it was traumatic to say the least. things felt so surreal, it was like a bad dream that lasted too long. paranoia manifested in everything around me, i truely felt mad. AP's saved me.

 

[anti150]

I guess OP went crazy and forgot to tell us his story... KIDDING!

 

[AlphaMethylPhenyl]

OP, do you have a therapist you can confide it?

 

[BatShitCrazy]

So, didn't go crazy, I had my grandfather die unexpectedly. No, I am not offended by the joke, it made me laugh actually I am in my twenties, I am currently seeking a therapist. I do not allow my feelings to make me outburst or act poorly. I have great control over my actions I just cant control the thoughts I have and emotions I feel, nor do I even know what causes them when they happen most of the time. I am not a drug user other than cannabis, but only small amounts. It actually is the only thing to this day that helps. It suppresses and some times completely eliminates the thoughts and emotions I am feeling other than what I actually want to or should feel. I m very very tiredtoday or I would write this now so, I promise to you all to go into "detail" as I said in my earlier post tomorrow morning by about 8:30 a.m. or so. Just to clarify if any1 was wondering because I figured it might have crossed a few minds, I am not a bum who sits at home all day smoking cannabis feeling sorry for myself. Most people, actually only 4 people know other than all of you, I handle myself very well and am what I consider successful. I run an aquarium business... almost said the name of my company lol..... that would have been a funny way to blow my cover jeeze. Anyways, I import and breed exotic fish and corals as well as custom tank installs. I also build custom fish tanks and the stands and canopies to go with them. Just to clarify..... I did not want any1 to get the wrong impression of who or what I am. I pay my bills, mortgage, put food on the table for me and my girlfriend etc. I am a big fan interesting oddities, so I hope you all are too because when you hear everything about my mind, you will probably be glad I am nowhere near you Thanks again for the kindhearted replies, honestly I didn't think it would be that way, I was expecting a lot of flaming rather than concern. Ill talk again in the a.m., have a great rest of your night.

 

[BatShitCrazy]

afternoon* didn't realize it was 2:30 p.m.

 

[BatShitCrazy]

Good morning,

Sorry I am a bit late. I am having a very bad morning, immense mental issues so sorry if at any point I lose the sense I am trying to make. On top of that my dog bit me by accident this morning, still feel like it was done on purpose

so im not too sure where to start. I should have thought this through but oh well. I am going to describe how a situation would go and how it makes me feel.


Ill give a past example from a few days ago. I was sitting on the couch watching t.v. with my love, everything was fine. Then I started feeling a little warm, I felt a flushing feeling of warmth come over me. I then had a slight pain or strain in my stomach area, immediately I had intense rage come over me. At that point I noticed a slight smell of body odor, I then realized it was me, I was dripping in sweat, my vision started to get a bit fuzzy or speccy( kind of like when you stand p too fast ). I am now feeling my heart beat in my entire body, my girlfriend obviously noticed and asked me if I was okay. I replied with, "just the usual crazy person sitting on the couch, you know?"
(all this happened in about 2 to 3 minutes)

Then I started to ask myself, why am I mad? why do I feel this way? is there any reason to be mad? NO, there is not. But, this doesn't mean anything to me, in my mind, I have every reason to be angry. I argue in my head, I am going to make 2 columns, left side is what thoughts I m having, right side is how I am progressively feeling or the other thought I hear in my head that argues with the thoughts I am trying to convince myself are correct or false. bear with me.....( all of these things are in my head, I do not say or speak during these moments, these are all inner thoughts)

THOUGHTS REACTION
Calm down, this is false emotion, there is nothing that caused this----------------------------------Anger is constant, getting stronger
What reason are you mad? calm down, this will pass-------------------------------------------------confusion settles in, not helping or hurting my anger
Everything Is fine, everything is fine------------------------------------------------------------------I start to feel the word hate, literally, I can hear it whispering
how dare they make me feel this way-----------------------------------------------------------------who, who, who is making me feel this way
how could they carelessly do this to my emotion--------------------------------------------------No, this is not real, I can chill out
Breathe..... take some deep breaths....-------------------------------------------------------------You can never trust anyone, they hate you
no1 hates me, my mind is fighting with me--------------------------------------------------------Maybe this is real?.........
(this is where everything starts to get crazy)
I am so fucking mad right now, I need this to stop--------------------------------------------------She doesn't, they don't
She did nothing to me, why the fuck am I thinking this--------------------------------------------because its true, she wants to see you hurt
She would never want to see me hurt, she loves me/you---------------------------------------------she loves to hurt you, cant you feel it?
No she doesn't, that's crazy.... why would she do that?-------------------------------------------because, she is having fun, watch .....
No, nothing happened, nothing will happen, this is false---------------------------------------then why are you agreeing with yourself?

Then usually something will happen to make it just, well, go south...... but its completely my insanity..

My girlfriend will say something like, " everything is okay, this will pass, I am here for you, I love you"
that's when it gets out of control, I know, don't judge, I know what I am.....

THOUGHTS REACTIONS
see, she is here for you, how dare she?----------------------------------------------------------wait, what? why am I thinking this
Don't you see, she is "here" for you, she doesn't want to miss your downfall-----------------what? why would she want that
because, I told you, she hates you, you are worthless-----------------------------------------
---------------------------------------------------------------------
----------------------------------------------------------------------- I hate myself
you should hate yourself--------------------------------------------------------------no......
yes yes, you are a miserable excuse for humans to be related to--------------------no im not
then why do you feel this way? why does she hate you?------------------------------I don't know....
well, I do, you are pathetic, and someone as great as her cant be around someone weak like you-----------I am not weak
what are you? fucking crazy at best-----------------------------------------------------------------------no I am not, this is not real!
Then why do you feel this, stop denying------------------------------------nothing caused this, this is all in my head
no its not, you feel this because this is real, you cant be normal------------------I know, I will never be normal.....


ok, still with me? all those thoughts usually take about 5 minutes or so to happen. Then at this point my girlfriend has her hand on my leg and is talking to me, asking me how I am feeling. I reply I am starting to feel better, she then asks, "what happened?" I reply with, I don't know........BAM anger is back and hits me like a train to where I usually sound very mad when I say "know" in the phrase "I don't know" and it starts all over again, but everytime, it gets worse......

on a scale of 1 to 10, this is about a 4 on how bad it can get. once again, I keep all this to myself, I am not screaming these things out loud or anything. I usually am so mad and pre occupied in my head that apparently I do not blink or hardly look like I am breathing( according to my girlfriend)

so yeah these a basic example of what I go through EVERY day, I understand how this might not be adequate compared to what you might have had expected, though I hope it was. Please ask any questions you want, if you would like to give me an example I can tell you how I would handle the situation to compare to how you would or vice versa.



or it would go like this (this one will be quick) I will get a feeling of depression or doom, I will have no idea why it happens. That in return makes me feel more down, I have memories flooding me of mistakes or regrets. I get the feeling my life is meaningless. the same kind of arguing in my head happens similar to what I described earlier. etc.


Then this Is how it ends. I will start to have a memory, but I cant quite tell why I am thinking of it or what exactly it is, it just feels familiar. I then feel as if I am trying to remember something important, ill start to have negative thoughts an emotions sweep over me more. I will hear someone who sounds familiar and very mean. I will start to feel resentment towards whoever is in my memory I am trying to remember because how hateful they choosing to talk. finally ill remember who it was....... me. I will realize I was remembering what had just happened, and realize how my mind was reflecting on it apparently. Then is 1/2 of a second, I feel fine. I am starting to feel cheerful and giddy as I usually feel, then I pray and hope for there not to be another.


this is just one example, there are probably dozens if not hundreds of ways these things play out, this is just a recent one I was able to remember fairly well. I am all ears now, I will try to go into more depth about how I feel and how my mind works, I just don't know how to lead this explanation. Thanks for understanding and its okay if you didn't want to read it, I understands its probably a waste of time but thanks anyways for trying or considering. Have a great day, I will try to as well.

 

[herbavore]

Oh wow, OP, that is really intense. You say that this has been happening as long as you can remember? I am seriously in awe that you have been able to strengthen the rational part of your mind to the point where you can literally talk back to the voices when they are so strong and convincing. Thank you very much for posting that. I have a friend that is an occupational therapist that worked for the local mental health services. She once told me about a training she took in which someone illustrated what it can be like to try to function when in the extreme states of schizophrenia and hearing voices. They had to try to conduct the meeting for ten minutes while someone whispered in their ears constantly, usually telling them undermining things like "no one cares what you think", "they hate you" etc. She said it was a very powerful way to gain understanding of what her clients dealt with.

I have some experience with hearing voices in my own past. For me, this has never reoccurred which is pretty unusual but not unheard of. These states occurred at a time in my life where I literally had nothing to count on inside. The voices (one voice actually) started out benign, almost comforting but would inevitably lead to self-doubt/self-hatred and paranoid thinking. This is pretty typical and I have always wondered if this is not our deep psyche's way of having the fight of our lives which is really the fight for our lives as healthy, whole human beings secure in our own self-worth while accepting all the flaws and weaknesses of being human. Perhaps that rage you feel has childhood roots? perhaps you were told directly or simply by a family or culture or both that you do not easily fit into that you are without worth? This does not have to be overt or intended. I was very different from my family but they were always loving. My own ultra-sensitivity however made me feel outside of what I saw as "the norms". The path from very early childhood, when we are not self-aware at all, to self-awareness can be extremely confusing and many people get lost on it. From my vantage point of older age I find it fascinating to see the various perspectives that have lent to that confusion along the way in my own life as well as in my children's.

You sound like a very strong and intelligent person and I know that you will continue to mine these experiences for wisdom as painful as they are to go through. Thanks again for sharing and I am sorry for the loss of your grandfather.

 

[BatShitCrazy]

Hello, my real name is John by the way ( OH MY GOD ITS NOT BAT?!?! )

Thank you for the insight, I am speaking with a psychiatrist Monday and she is very interested to talk to me. Ever since the death, my mind has been a lot more.. active.

But its great knowing that other people have experienced what I am, I also figured I was a "scitzo" as I call it. Making such a serious thing sound a bit silly always helps me to not feel like I cant be open about it because hey, you wouldn't mind saying snuffle-uffa-gus or something like that right?

I did have something happen yesterday that made me smile, I was servicing one of my clients tanks, just the usual siphoning detritus, cleaning glass, skimmer, etc. Well, we had a slight problem, when he was talking to me about what salinity he wanted to raise his tank to (.026) so it would mimic the ocean more closely, I was draining the drum to test and refill the tank. He turned off his mixing pump but forgot to turn off his heater and about 40 minutes later, I smelt a smokey smell. It wasn't normal though, but it was familiar, I was smelling the familiar smell of saltwater being evaporated off of the scalding hot heater that had been out of the water for 40 mins. This happens all the time but usually when I am not there, so usually I handle it over the phone and the client is usually pretty frantic and spazzy because the "world" might melt because of this heater lol. I understand their fear but ive dealt with it dozens of times, to me, its just another duty in my line of work. Any who, hes borderline screaming because the heater was left on unattended for so long that it melted the side of the drum, was smoking, and melting onto his hardwood floor. long story short, I used a wet towel dipping it in ice water to cool the heater( which is now ruined ) and pop the plate of melted plastic off of the floor. The whole time my head is screaming many things 100 miles a minute, but I am just chugging along doing what must be done.

now we are getting to the point, sorry about the rambling and length ^^^^^ sometimes I don't filter enough of what I am thinking when I write, hope I didn't lose any1 to my boring work story so far. So we get it all cleaned up I place an order for another 55 gallon drum, 150w heater, and charge him for the repair/aquarium service/replacement (with a 30% discount because it happened while I was there so I did him a favor). Then he said to me( he is 42, I am 23) I hope one day I can handle these "aquarium messes" like you, im losing my mind over here screaming and running around, while you just say "i got this" and don't miss a beat. I laughed, realizing It was out loud and said, "you never know what goes on behind calm eyes." He gave me a odd smile and laughed a bit that was that. Just really hits me weird when I am complimented, especially about my mental efficiency. To me that's like telling a ogre he should invent something.

I wish I knew other ways to help my problems, talking about it on this site helps but im not really sure where to start or go from here. The thoughts I have though, are scary.

I have never, Im serious never told anyone about what horrible thoughts flood my mind. its really scary, sometimes I think I could be possessed or something.
OH MY GOD, I just remembered something that happened that was nuts! my girlfriend told me about this so I do not have first hand experience. I don't know what this mean but if any1 has an opinion please please please tell me. This is something I do not talk about, it fucking scares me so bad and makes my issues appear to be on mental steroids.
There was one time about a year ago, I was violently woken up by my girlfriend. She was tearing up and kind of screaming at me to get up. I asked her what the fuck is wrong?
She then told me I was talking in my sleep, saying well..... bad things. She said she tried waking me up by just calling my name (I wake easily) but I wouldn't wake. Then she said I kept talking but this time lower, almost like a loud whisper. Then she said I started speaking in another language..... She said closest thing she can relate to how it sounded(we watched dozens of videos of people speaking in different languages to try to tell) was Hebrew. I was apparently speaking like that for a minute or 2 before it woke up from her shaking me and yelling my name. it really frightened her and I have 0 explanation, it was one of those things we just do not speak about. very eerie feeling when I do. But, that's just one of many "scary" stories in my house. But, that's for another time.

Thank you again herbivore, I wish I knew people like you. Maybe its just me, who knows but i'd trade a lot in my life to have more people who are kind hearted as yourself. Hell, I think anyone would. If every1 was as nice as you, maybe we would have hover cars by now because every1 would work together. ah, sorry, that's my mind just flying into space again, it really wanders if I don't leash it.

Have a great one any1 who takes the time to read, if not, have a great one anyways.

 

[herbavore]

Hey John, well now we do know each other and I look forward to getting to know you more.

What you recounted about the scary experience you had whilst sleeping rekindled an old memory for me. Back when my husband and I had just started sleeping together before we got married he was staying over at my little cottage. It had a set of french windows that opened outward onto a small patio in the yard. I must have been having some strange nightmare about being attacked because apparently I was screaming just as I was waking myself up by doing so and when he was awoken by it he instinctively jumped out of bed, exited the window, grabbed a chair on the patio and was swinging it around defensively at whatever was about to attack. In my half awake state I followed him out the window still screaming because now I was convinced the attack was real and our neighbors woke up to find us both stark naked on the patio, him with the chair raised in front of him like some lion tamer. They asked what was going on, terrified now themselves, and we looked at each other looking for an explanation, each sure the other had one. When it became apparent what happened, we suddenly realized the true nightmare was that we were now standing stark naked in front of our neighbors for no good reason at all. Hope I've cheered you up with that lunacy from my life!

 

[Barrenian]

I do not allow my feelings to make me outburst or act poorly. I have great control over my actions I just cant control the thoughts I have and emotions I feel, nor do I even know what causes them when they happen most of the time.

I used to hold my emotions in very well, but once I hit 26, my ability to hold back began to wane. More and more I lash out, viciously, towards strangers who do things that I perceive to be rude. It makes me feel good to see the shock and shame in their face when they realize they have made a mistake fucking with me. It is empowering. I also have intrusive thoughs, and my mind "makes up" scenarios that make me feel as though I am experiencing a traumatic event. I have no control over it. My old psychiatrist said I have ptsd. Not sure if that is true though.

 

[anti150]

John, i am amazed at how cool and calm you sound, especially after hearing how bad your episodes can get. (Im glad you liked my joke btw, really was a risky one, lol) But you are apparently a very strong person to be able to maintain like you do. I do have a suggestion for you, be open minded now... Meditation. I am a Taekwondo practitioner and since day one my instructor put emphasis on meditation. At first I thought he was just on some wacky kong-fu shit, but after I did some research and practiced it myself i definitely feel better mentally, physically, and emotionally.

Find a nice QUIET place to sit or lie down, whichever is more comfortable. Sit totatly still, totally relax every muscle in your body and clear your mind of EVERYTHING. Literally think about NOTHING. Just focus on breathing until you've successfully stopped your mind and thoughts from wandering. Practice clearing your mind and only focus on breathing.

I hope you research and do give this a try buddy. And i am sorry for your loss, but i feel confident after hearing your story that you can handle whatever life may throw at you.

Best wishes

 

[BatShitCrazy]

Hey John, well now we do know each other and I look forward to getting to know you more.

What you recounted about the scary experience you had whilst sleeping rekindled an old memory for me. Back when my husband and I had just started sleeping together before we got married he was staying over at my little cottage. It had a set of french windows that opened outward onto a small patio in the yard. I must have been having some strange nightmare about being attacked because apparently I was screaming just as I was waking myself up by doing so and when he was awoken by it he instinctively jumped out of bed, exited the window, grabbed a chair on the patio and was swinging it around defensively at whatever was about to attack. In my half awake state I followed him out the window still screaming because now I was convinced the attack was real and our neighbors woke up to find us both stark naked on the patio, him with the chair raised in front of him like some lion tamer. They asked what was going on, terrified now themselves, and we looked at each other looking for an explanation, each sure the other had one. When it became apparent what happened, we suddenly realized the true nightmare was that we were now standing stark naked in front of our neighbors for no good reason at all. Hope I've cheered you up with that lunacy from my life!

Actually is the first thing to make me smile today. That is very funny and would have been awkward. Ill have to share with my girlfriend, im glad to hear you are married, cant imagine someone as kind as you being alone. Even though it happens to a lot. I am actually going to propose to my girlfriend soon. makes me smile every time I am truly blessed.
I tell myself all the time, I am blessed enough to have her and she is soo amazing, that I had to be afflicted with this for it to be balanced. It just wouldn't be fair.
*says in a stupid voice* It would be like having your cake, eating it too, AND you can fly?!? What would superman think?

 

[BatShitCrazy]

I used to hold my emotions in very well, but once I hit 26, my ability to hold back began to wane. More and more I lash out, viciously, towards strangers who do things that I perceive to be rude. It makes me feel good to see the shock and shame in their face when they realize they have made a mistake fucking with me. It is empowering. I also have intrusive thoughs, and my mind "makes up" scenarios that make me feel as though I am experiencing a traumatic event. I have no control over it. My old psychiatrist said I have ptsd. Not sure if that is true though.

Thanks so much for the example, I really didn't know other people had that like me
( feeling the need to correct because someone clearly just made a human error in front of my mind, the "condemner")
Yeah, its just, my voices don't just correct people or think they are being rude. At times it says and shows me the most horrific of scenarios, I try my best not to listen, if I acted on these actions. Well, every1 would know my name, I'd be on the news or something crazy. Maybe ill get into what my voices say in the future, right now im just not comfortable with that. I don't even like hearing it when I am thinking it, I cant imagine typing it for the world to see.

 

[BatShitCrazy]

John, i am amazed at how cool and calm you sound, especially after hearing how bad your episodes can get. (Im glad you liked my joke btw, really was a risky one, lol) But you are apparently a very strong person to be able to maintain like you do. I do have a suggestion for you, be open minded now... Meditation. I am a Taekwondo practitioner and since day one my instructor put emphasis on meditation. At first I thought he was just on some wacky kong-fu shit, but after I did some research and practiced it myself i definitely feel better mentally, physically, and emotionally.

Find a nice QUIET place to sit or lie down, whichever is more comfortable. Sit totatly still, totally relax every muscle in your body and clear your mind of EVERYTHING. Literally think about NOTHING. Just focus on breathing until you've successfully stopped your mind and thoughts from wandering. Practice clearing your mind and only focus on breathing.

I hope you research and do give this a try buddy. And i am sorry for your loss, but i feel confident after hearing your story that you can handle whatever life may throw at you.

Best wishes

okay, ironic. ready?

I was in taekwondo for 7 years, I earned 1st degree black belt(its only the first tier of black belt ranks)(as you know, im saying for others) I meditate often, learned by my instructor. No worries about joking in the future, I think I have an amazing sense of humor. I think its the main reason why I don't let myself get bitter, I can laugh (in my head or aloud) about well.. anything. If I couldn't not take things seriously and see the humor imbedded in the events, I would be pretty depressed. I just tell myself what my dad tell me, "keep your chin up, the devil only wins when we let him." Its OK, I handle loss and death unusually well, I was a paulbearer so "its all gravy" I got to be close and say good bye one last time until I see him again with our savior. I can wait, I am not ready to leave this earth until I have conquered the mental realm. But once that happens, the party is just getting started to I think ill be ready......atleast 80 years old, gotta get your moneys worth!

 

[BatShitCrazy]

I am not really sure what to talk about next, anyone have any ideas? I am having to deal with something that I don't know what to do. One of my only friends( I have 3) has started a drug addiction, apparently its been about 6 months or so, but im not sure what to do. I feel so uncomfortable around him now(I told him to his face last night) and he doesn't understand(because he doesn't know about me). So basically I just look like a huge jerk whos dropping his buddy because he's "livin' life to the fullest." so yeah idk what to do about that. He was so smart, and collective, but has a very addictive personality. Also has had a few addictions in his life before and his home life isn't the best environment/situation so he is very susceptible. Also, he thinks he can beat the system(use an addictive drug, and not get addicted)and it is usually the reason that screws him. So idk because I have always been the one to help pull him out of his issues and get him on the road to recovery. Only issue is, it makes him violent, and I am the worst person to get violent with in my circle of people I know. So yeah idk what to do.......

Second note, I am realizing how "lazy" and "sloppy" my grammar is. Im embarrassed but I don't have shame in what I do and am so I will not go back a proof read. Instead I will just try to be more aware and competent of my "P's and Q's". Another detail about me, I never finished high school(I have my g.e.d.), so I am trying my best. If only I had a very philosophical friend who would correct me and help me learn(I did, that was my buddy paul I mentioned earlier). So yeah, sorry if this post is pointless but right now its all I can keep on my mind. So yeah, one thing I might want to get into is how my issues are when they aren't boasting rage, when they are flooding me with depression sorrow or plain sadness. But honestly, everyone posts made me feel pretty happy so I don't really want to get into that right now. Also, idk if my "thoughts" i'd be sharing would violate any rules or stipulations this forum has, so anyone with insight on that please share. The depressed side of my insanity is more subtle, but very, very, brutal. Very interesting how its works, but also very off putting. So yeah, I will look into that and hopefully share with it tomorrow. any1 who can help me on what is aloud to be posted on here as far as hypothetical thoughts, I would appreciate it. I hope someone can smile at my issues and be glad that they aren't their issues. Thank you all, and have a great rest of your day, I will talk to you tomorrow.