In Memoriam Captain.Heroin

I have confirmed this with family. CaptainHeroin, who has been a senior moderator here for so long, has recently passed away from a tragic OD. He has helped me for very many years with harm reduction, along with countless others. He helped me laugh when no one else could. It is with great sadness I announce this to the BL community. I am weeping.

 

Andrew. I still miss you dude

 

Andrew, I wish you were here right now. You took all that pain inside you, ripped it out of your soul to save others from experiencing the same anguish - you helped so many people (myself included). You were one of the first people I ever talked to on this website 15 years ago and I'll never forget how you helped me and so many others.

Times are turbulent on BL right now and I just know you would be the one to bring us all back together again. You took that pain, the trauma, all those demons you had and turned it into pure kindness and understanding; you were an altruist in the purest sense of the word. You were a brilliant man and embodied the spirit of this community at it's very core.

If there is a heaven, I hope you're in it and have found your lost love and you are at peace you blue-eyed angel.

I miss you, so, so, so much.

 

Believe it or not, I logged onto BL after nearly a decade of not being on here, and having my own bouts of heavy IV meth use, specifically to check on Andrew. I really wanted to pick up more information on IV dosage, etc. and as I was going to check on him, as I used to do every year or so, and then I saw this post and a part of me broke inside. I am completely devastated by the news. I feel awful for not having checked sooner.

I was Andrew's partner and lover from 2013-2014 and to say that Andrew changed my life is an understatement. I know I haven't been in his life as long as the lot of you and even as a lover, I'm sure he had many more after me whom he'd consider more memorable. I was a blip, but this blip has never forgotten Andrew. We lived in the same neighborhood. Andrew introduced me to Nine Inch Nails, with whom I'm deeply in love with now. Along with other artists, including Merzbow. He loved noise. He truly had an impact - even though I was going through my own internal problems, Andrew was there to help me through it. He changed my worldview. He taught me about pantheism and panentheism. "God determines everything vs. we are God (we are one)." He of course, allowed me to step into the world of shatter, wax, Desoxyn/IV meth (my downward spiral was my own doing but had it not been for the hard drugs, I wouldn't have evolved at incredibly fast rate that I did to overcome it and manage some level of maintenance; I would have just been a raging drunk), coke, Salvia, etc. And he was beside me every time and I can still hear him telling me, as I go on a trip, say in his monotone, yet almost uplifting voice, "Enjoy." He introduced me to a world that was always criminalized, demeaned and shunned from society. We were the rejects. The sick ones. He liked to call society out. He always had this disdain towards big Pharma's reach in society's pockets and their capitalizing of people's suffering. He went against the grain. This really saddens me. I have always known him for having himself glued to his phone on BL, and it didn't bother me at all because he would show me exactly who BL was, all the people he'd call, all the people he'd message, the wisdom he'd bring forth at the press of a button. His phone was small too - an iPhone 4 or 5, I believe. He knew so many people. He'd get cards, gifts, gear, memorabilia, books....he was so loved by so many. He let me into his world and would do FaceTime/Skype calls and he would let me see these people. I met them and I learned just what impact he had.

I was there when he quit Suboxone cold turkey that year...56 days it took for the withdrawals to stop. I can feel it was agonizing. I let him use my apartment complex' pool at midnight so he can push through. He was resilient. I laid next him, my back facing him, but against his because I knew he was hurting. I did what I could, and I made sure he ate and wasn't alone. And I loved him. He had an amazing mind. Truly one-of-a-kind. He struggled with wanting to not exist, just like I did. It's that morbid mindset that brought us together. He liked to talk and I liked to listen. The way our conversations would go, "Mhm, mhm, mhm." I still have some of his mannerisms. He left a mark and I'm in such sorrow that he isn't with us anymore.

To Andrew (because there is nowhere else I can say this):

Andrew, it's Chris. I'm so sorry for how things ended between us. I never meant to hurt you and I never meant to break your heart like that. Though I know it's been years and you clearly were strong, resilient, insanely intelligent enough to move past that, despite the misunderstanding (and you moved on rather quickly, which even though I was hurt by, I commend you for moving forward, Godspeed), you continued to make an impact. You continued to expand your mind. You wanted out, but you also told me "we're in the best of all possible universes." I always find myself repeating that to myself, because those were your words. I'm really happy you are loved and will be remembered always.

Steadfast and Godspeed, Captain. I knew you well enough to you knew how to research every detail of combos and drug interactions. You were meticulous and you needed to have exact answers--even for the amount of time we were together, I can piece together what you did. And I commend you. I hope the suffering was lifted. I have come to terms with my own and I may run into you soon. Thank you for enlightening our current universe. Onto the next.

I can't believe it. I found old emails of photos and a recording you sent to me in October 2013. Your memory has been coming back to me very strongly and I can't believe you're gone.

I hope we meet again soon.

 

It's been a weird few years my man. Miss having ya around to shoot the shit with, catch some laughs, and share the good times and goals we accomplish. Life for me is going well, got a lot of big things hopefully coming my way. Figured I'd let ya know what's up. miss ya CH

 

Rest in peace

 

I logged on today after years of not being here and just found this out... I am so sad to hear of this and I hope his.loved one's find peace with it. He was always so supportive and whenever I had a question he would answer it with his usual wit. I am sad at the loss of this great person- we must continue to fight for our existence and freedoms . I have joined DPA and even though it is a bit too political for me we have to keep pushing because otherwise our future kids and nieces and nephews and loved ones in the next generation they deserve a world that doesn't judge them for their issues but rather compassionately and kindly looks to help them and make a better life for all of us. I am very sad to hear this and I will miss you Captain!

 

Reading your threads on suboxone were therapy for my soul while I was going through it....

 

Well said. I can't find the "like" icon, but you'd get many for those words about Andrew. And to ANDREW, ("the Captain") a big THANK YOU, for so much.
So very, very much.
I hope you're at peace.

 

A wonderful Soul. Thank you so much.