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in love with a man with BPD

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fancypop

Greenlighter
Joined
Oct 24, 2013
Messages
5
Hello

I am very upset and need some advice. I have been seeing a man with BPD for three years. We live in different countries but are very close and talk every day. Three weeks ago we finally decided I would move over and live with him ( we actually agreed I would find my own place as he feels he is unable to live with someone) We were both very happy, the happiest we have been. Now, a short time later he is depressed and anxious as he feels he has no identity and is unfulfilled in life. I feel this is BPD but if I say so he goes mad at me. Every time I go over and see him this happens but this time it is much worse and he is now telling me he needs to consider if he wants a relationship with me, he says he needs time to work this out and is doing it to protect me. He says he would prefer it if we were just friends. He has said things like this before and it has always upset me but this time I have really reacted very badly because we had made firm plans and I felt really secure. I feel I am being told to sit and wait while he decides what will happen next and i resent it. I have told him i am angry and upset and he says all I do is think of myself and now I feel guilty. I do think that I should end the relationship as I am so tired of this pattern of behaviour and I feel if i did move over I would not get any support from him and I would end up making a big mistake with my life. I have tried so hard to understand but I am so tired of this rollercoaster.

Has anybody been in a similar situation? I feel I have run out of energy and I am deeply disappointed about our plans all falling apart when he was so sure just a couple of weeks ago. How do I talk to him? Should I just stop communicating and let him calm down? He is in therapy but he feels it is pointless and I often feel he isnt trying as he tells me he finds it boring and often ends the sessions early.

Any advice would be really helpful

Thanks
 
hmmm all i can say is that i have friends with BPD and they dont treat their partners very well. both cheated a lot

each person is different but if he makes you unhappy then what is the attraction?
 
You have tried, you have explained to him that your unhappy - he is not willing/able to fix the problem and is not willing to stick with therapy. Without treatment he is not going to get better and this cycle of behavior will not change (and may get worse the bigger the commitment he has to make).

When you think how tired you are after just three years can you imagine a lifetime of this? I personally would (after trying to fix it etc) would simply decide that enough is enough and end it - he's not comfortable, your not happy.
 
I agree, there isnt much to hold on to here and yes I know its time to get away. I am struggling with the sense of loss and I am stupidly surprised he has done this when he has always behaved badly at times. I have decided to just break contact with him and look after myself and give myself all the love and attention I gave to him.
 
I can relate. I was in a relationship with a bpd.

It's a sad fact they are simply to unstable to be with.

My bpd was a CHRONIC cheater. She told me she loved me unconditionally. I experienced the greatest happiness of my life. 3-4 days later she cheated on me with her ex, who happened to be my friend as well. It turned into such a mess of confusion and pain I said to myself; I don't need this shit. This is going to be an endless storm; the eye of it is wonderful but I'd rather not live in a tornado.

Look out for yourself now. It's not easy, I know. Don't ever be afraid to protect yourself, or to say, enough is enough.It's up to YOU when it's enough.
 
He has been to see his therapist today and sent me a long email explaining how he has had a breakthrough in his therapy and its made him feel much better and calmer. He is acting like nothing has happened, that everything is fine with us, telling me he loves me and hopes I have a great evening with my friends tonight and that he will call me tomorrow night. I am amazed he cannot see what he has done to me and I am also annoyed how much I want to believe this and give him another chance. I honestly believed he wouldn't contact me again and we could just go our separate ways. I am more confused than ever now
 
thanks infedtedmushroom

I needed to hear that, I know exactly what you mean. My boyfriend doesn't cheat on me but he just pushes me away when he has had enough and then wants me back and he simply cannot see how hurtful it is. I have become so used to the emotional pain it seems normal now and I know it isnt normal to be treated like this

Thanks
 
fancypop said:
He has been to see his therapist today and sent me a long email explaining how he has had a breakthrough in his therapy and its made him feel much better and calmer. He is acting like nothing has happened, that everything is fine with us, telling me he loves me and hopes I have a great evening with my friends tonight and that he will call me tomorrow night. I am amazed he cannot see what he has done to me and I am also annoyed how much I want to believe this and give him another chance. I honestly believed he wouldn't contact me again and we could just go our separate ways. I am more confused than ever now
Click to expand...

one minute its shit then its suddenly good, then its shit, then its suddenly good. ad infinitum.

you need to be very robust to handle the cycle but ultimately it doesn't do anyone good to have things be extreme on a regular basis
 
This will happen again and again and again. It may not always be on such an important issue but due to his nature he will continue this pattern until he sticks with a treatment plan - you (depending on your understanding, broad shoulders, tolerance to the issue) will always bear the brunt of this. I'm being truthful here but I could not handle that sort of turmoil in a relationship. I'm not saying it will happen but consider the scenario of this guy knowing what he can get away with (his illness) then he starts to be a dick and plays on the same emotions with you.

You believed he would not contact you again - you were ready to go your separate ways.

Now that his is back to 'normal' explain your frustrations with him - tell him how he has made you feel, tell him you want him to stick to therapy or you will leave him. Set a time frame, gauge his progress?
 
I agree I do need to make him listen, but its so hard to get him to discuss this and when I do he acts annoyed, as if he is in denial. I can only give this another go if he listens and tries but I dont think he knows how to do that. It is my birthday today and he didnt send a card or a present. He is going to call me tonight and I want to just ignore him, but is that counter productive. I am so messed up and upset
 
fancypop said:
I agree I do need to make him listen, but its so hard to get him to discuss this and when I do he acts annoyed, as if he is in denial. I can only give this another go if he listens and tries but I dont think he knows how to do that. It is my birthday today and he didnt send a card or a present. He is going to call me tonight and I want to just ignore him, but is that counter productive. I am so messed up and upset
Click to expand...

do you crave stability? because you are not going to get it with this person. i have 2 friends with BPD and i love them to bits BUT they behave badly in a relationship. cheating all the time, one chucks her boyfriend out twice a month. its not good long term.
 
I know a few people with BPD. They all are very selfish and always put their needs and feelings before anyone else's. They all are in therapy and take meds, but they use their BPD status as a license to be complete assholes when they feel like it. I've definitely seen when they are up and/or down due to their illness. I've also seen them act completely normal with people, then turn on someone and blame it on their BPD. Bullshit! These people are family members, so I've been with them A LOT and know the difference between illness issues and someone just being a rude jerk. Good luck.
 
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