In Desperate Need of Help - Ecstasy Related problems

InaCorner

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Feb 21, 2011
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I posted this in the ecstasy forums but I feel it will get more attention here. People there might be put off by it whereas I already know the people here are either very sympathetic, dealing with their own situations, or complete masochists. Thanks for any help in advance.

I really hope someone on this site will take the time to read my story and help me. I'm afraid I'm another one of those people for whom ecstasy use has had a tragic, life changing effect. I have been desperate for help and yet most sites or forums have been of no use. Even my doctor couldn't help much, but I wouldn't expect him to be an expert on MDMA. So please, if after reading my story and hearing about my symptoms, you can help me, I would be so greatly appreciative.

I started rolling at raves when I was 17 and rolled in total about seven different times. In my first month I took a half pill the first time, two pills the second, and six the third. After that I mellowed out a bit, only rolling twice my second month, two pills each time, then taking a month break, then rolling once in the fourth month and taking two pills and then a final time in the fifth month taking two pills and what I thought was a mollie. This last event would be the life changing catalyst that I would come to regret so much and that haunts me every day.

I suppose I should get to the problem. I'm sorry, but I'm shacking just writing about it. This has been a non-stop nightmare for eleven months now and I am desperate for it to end. Basically a few days after that last night rolling I came down with a strange sensation in my head and toe curling. They're connected, because the toe curling is the worst when my head hurts the worst and for a week after I hit my head during the summer both stopped. But I'm getting off on a tangent. Basically the sensation in my head is a restless one, making it very hard to concentrate or even read, and has greatly diminished my attention span. It's not quite a headache and doesn't quite hurt but it just bothers me, like a swelling sensation almost. It has made me refrain from physical activity and decreased my reading considerably. I was always an intelligent person, regardless of my reasons for getting involved in drugs, and I feel this has put my entire future in jeopardy.

Oh gosh, I'm so flustered, I hope I'm being sensical and that I am effectively conveying the nature of my condition, well enough at least for someone to recognize it. Basically, to restate what I said before, I am suffering from a constant feeling of restlessness and swelling almost in my head, and along with that toe curling of my smallest-right foot toe. If that makes sense. I just don't feel full of mind. People say that E puts a hole in your brain, and I guess I literally feel that way.

Now I've tried everything I can think of to help. I've taken 5-htp, an SSRI, had an MRI (which showed no damage), taken Vitamin D pills (tests showed I was dangerously low, which probably explains why E wrecked such havoc on my immune system,) prayed, become an atheist, and tried to psyche myself into thinking I was making it up (and maybe I am). I sleep, am relatively active, and eat alright, but none of these things have very much bearing on the condition. I used to smoke pot but gave up all drugs completely about two months after the condition began (as you can perhaps understand).


I hope this has all made sense and that someone in this community can at least point me in the right direction. I think the culprit was the 'mollie' that I took. One friend who had half the same kind of capsule suffered frequent headaches for about three months but has since been fine. Other friends haven't had any symptoms. I took a whole capsule and fear some unknown substance might have been in there. Maybe someone with experience testing pills and capsules knows what the culprit might have been? Maybe a piperazine?

I'd usually check the pills I was planning on taking on pill reports, and had planned on quitting rolling, but events got ahead of me that night and I will regret that as long as I am afflicted by this condition. Luckily my intellect has not been greatly diminished though I was awfully suicidal for awhile and would often rather die than stay alive with this condition. I can't be the first person who this has happened to (though I wouldn't be surprised if I am, in a sick twist of fate) and am desperate that someone out there can help me. Thank you, any help or a sympathetic ear would mean the world to me.


You can either post here or contact me through a Private message. I am protective of my privacy due to the stigma of drug use but if you want my email address just drop me a pm. Thank you for reading this, best wishes.
-B
 
Good that you gave up everything for the moment IminaCorner, wise decision to let yourself heal.
Like OD, above, mentioned, seeing a Doc is the best port of call, to take some of the pressure off you, they will probably be able to shed more light on any physiological problem's, if any, that may be causing you trouble.
Luckily, like you said your intellect hasn't diminished so I'd take that as a good sign but still, do seek outside medical help, you dont need the extra pressure of speculating about what is going on with you on top of the symptoms you are already experiencing- which must be a constant worry.
Take care of yourself, and am sure if you need to dind a suitable, trustworthy GP in your area some people on here will be able to help put you in the right Direction. <3
 
The OP makes it obvious that he/she has been to a doctor and even had an MRI^^
drug related neurological problems are not something any doctors seem to know about nor give a shit about.
I don't have any toe curling but I get that head pressure type of thing you talk about. I think it might be a neck problem. Trying relaxation exercises like Alexander technique etc. and sleeping on a good surface w/ a good pillow has helped me sometimes I think. I can't really trace my head problem to a particualr incidence of drug use though. I'm having benzo WD's and it made that crappy head feeling come back after years of not having to deal with it. Maybe it is a form of eye strain? My vision gets whacked when it happens for me too.

Unless you are missing an arm or have a tumor the size of a bowling ball then most MD's can't figure out what's wrong with you and will simply blame it on anxiety.
Try not to take any drugs, including caffeine, herbals, and antihistamines too for a while and try relaxation techniques, avoid eyestrain, and support your head and neck maybe.
 
Thanks everyone, your advice is appreciated. As Regenesis pointed out I have been relatively forthcoming with my GP, however there are so many areas of drug research lacking and the medical field is so broad I would not expect them to know much. As Regenesis guess, one doctor speculated anxiety and another speculated it was related to the Vitamin D deficiency, however the problem persisted even after taking 50000 mg tablets of D for a few weeks.

Anyways, I think I've read pages about the visuals problem before Regenesis, perhaps what's happening to you is related to that.

Thanks again everyone, cheers
 
Hopefully you will be able to get some sort of resolution to this issue. It's unlikely that you've done any kind of permanent damage from using MDMA at that frequency. No holes in your brain, rest assured :)

There are some interesting books by Dr. John Sarno about emotions and how they manifest as physical symptoms. I'm not saying that this is the case for you, none of us can really know what is going on. But I just know that for myself I've had one physical symptom after another, with treatment rarely working for anything and tests always coming back perfect. So I've just come to accept that my physical symptoms are mostly emotional, and I stop taking them seriously. It doesn't mean the symptoms are not real, just that the root cause is not physical.

Like I said I'm not telling you that this is the case for you, just mentioning it in case you may be interested in looking into this. For me, realizing this has brought me some peace of mind.
 
Thanks Legerity, I've tried convincing myself there is nothing actually wrong with me and that it's all in my head. I think this might be the case, but it hasn't fully worked. When I don't think about it really it isn't there, if that makes sense, but then I think about it again. It's just about always in the back of my mind. Perhaps then my only redemption will be that with time I will slowly forget and it will play a less active role in my life.
 
Nah don't sweat it, it's long and ranty. I'm really just very grateful for any help at all. It's comforting to find this community online and see how much everyone helps each other.
 
Hi InaCorner, I would like to echo what Legerity has said in that any possible damage the MDMA/"mollie"/pipes have done, it is NOT permanent. Especially if you were only taking pills for 8 months or so, you definitely haven't done any permanent damage.
I know that doesn't offer a solution for what you're experiencing but perhaps it might bring you solace in the fact that with time, you will gradually begin to feel more normal again. The MRI showed that there is no structural damage, which is great. Having read through your post it seemed like it could actually be anxiety-related. Anxiety can manifest in all sorts of weird physical symptoms so it's possible that's what is causing the head sensation.

Regardless, I think the best thing you can do is to keep focussed on maintaining a healthy lifestyle, eat well, drink plenty of water, get some regular exercise in every week (as much as you're comfortable with), and if you think that you perhaps need some regular counselling to talk about how this is affecting your daily life then maybe you should think about doing that as well.

Good luck, and keep us updated <3
 
Thanks n3oph7e, your words mean a lot. The people on this site have helped me maintain a positive outlook.
 
The problems your talking about are fairly common among mdma users in my own experience, id say 1/20 have problems like what you have. I have the same problem with strange sensations in my head/body tightness, memory loss, concentration loss, behaviorial issues and all these issues developed in 1 week around a very high mdma/mda caffeine dose.


Honestly there is absolutely nothing you can do about it. I would say most psych drugs will make you worse or do nothing, as they did for me and most who post crap like this.

I am 4 years along in my recovery from mdma, and it took a long time to feel better. i still dont feel normal but im alot better so time helps. you will also adapt to your current condition.

Dont expect to ever be how you were before you did mdma, you wont be ever. Im just being realistic and i have experience it and lurked forums with people posting this sort of thing for 4 years.
 
The problems your talking about are fairly common among mdma users in my own experience, id say 1/20 have problems like what you have. I have the same problem with strange sensations in my head/body tightness, memory loss, concentration loss, behaviorial issues and all these issues developed in 1 week around a very high mdma/mda caffeine dose.


Honestly there is absolutely nothing you can do about it. I would say most psych drugs will make you worse or do nothing, as they did for me and most who post crap like this.

I am 4 years along in my recovery from mdma, and it took a long time to feel better. i still dont feel normal but im alot better so time helps. you will also adapt to your current condition.

Dont expect to ever be how you were before you did mdma, you wont be ever. Im just being realistic and i have experience it and lurked forums with people posting this sort of thing for 4 years.

I'm sorry that you have had some problems from MDMA, and I'm sure that others have had negative consequences too. But do you really think that he will never be able to return to "normal" because of rolling 7 times?

Looking at drugs from a purely neurological perspective is very depressing. MDMA users in particular tend to do this with serotonin-obsession. I've never seen such brain hysteria with any drug other than MDMA! Any drug experience involves more than that...thoughts, beliefs, feelings, expectations, culture, social group, etc.

Viewing negative consequences from this neuro-perspective makes it seem like there is no solution, but it is based on the assumption that the problems all have a neurological basis to them.

So yeah...if you believe that you did some sort of permanent damage to your brain, then it is automatically impossible to recover because there is not really any proper treatment for brain damage. If you believe that the symptoms have a psychological basis, then they can be worked at from that angle and potentially improved.

I'm not saying it's IMPOSSIBLE to ever have any brain damage. And I don't mean to at all diminish the difficulties that you've had from MDMA. But I'm just skeptical that the symptoms most people experience are signs of permanent damage that cannot be improved via psychological methods.
 
Hi InaCorner, I don't suffer from any of your symptoms, but I do suffer from something that reminds me of yours and that is tinnitus, a constant ringing, humming in my ears. I've been to a GP, ENT, and an audiologist and none of them can help me. When I first started having it I become depressed, spent hours on the internet researching and reading about it all of which did not help and left me in even more despair. Then I said fuck it and just started living my life, healthy, not thinking about it, pondering it, researching it, reading about it. I started going out with friends being social, exercising, just being happy and after a while I didn't hear the ringing unless I was home alone and tried to hear it. Today I can still hear the ringing sometimes but it doesn't bother me anymore and when I'm with friends and family I don't even notice it. If a doctor cannot help you my only advice is to not perseverate about it, take back your life and live it and before you know it you won't even notice it is there.
 
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I'm sorry that you have had some problems from MDMA, and I'm sure that others have had negative consequences too. But do you really think that he will never be able to return to "normal" because of rolling 7 times?

Looking at drugs from a purely neurological perspective is very depressing. MDMA users in particular tend to do this with serotonin-obsession. I've never seen such brain hysteria with any drug other than MDMA! Any drug experience involves more than that...thoughts, beliefs, feelings, expectations, culture, social group, etc.

Viewing negative consequences from this neuro-perspective makes it seem like there is no solution, but it is based on the assumption that the problems all have a neurological basis to them.

So yeah...if you believe that you did some sort of permanent damage to your brain, then it is automatically impossible to recover because there is not really any proper treatment for brain damage. If you believe that the symptoms have a psychological basis, then they can be worked at from that angle and potentially improved.

I'm not saying it's IMPOSSIBLE to ever have any brain damage. And I don't mean to at all diminish the difficulties that you've had from MDMA. But I'm just skeptical that the symptoms most people experience are signs of permanent damage that cannot be improved via psychological methods.

i agree its more pleasing to think of in psychological terms because that implies possible recovery. In my personal experience that is not in line with the realities of mdma induced damage, i wish it wasnt true. I went down the road you suggested like many other have and i never got back to normal but i improved like 60%.

There is the most hysteria over mdma for a reason lol, it causes a shit ton of problems unlike other drugs. I was a heavy drug user for YEARRRSSS and mdma brought me to my knees so quick i couldnt believe it.

I fully believe that some people MAY recover so he might get lucky, it aint the norm for a full recovery from what i see people posting in forums and myself.

def the psych issues cant be ignored.
 
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