in a room full of ugliness// :[

[dishearten]

guys.. im so strung out right now.. its almost 7am and i havent slept. took 9 sleeping pills already and i just cant turn my brain off.. like, i keep thinking about the past and my chest fn hurts bad and i have one xanax left.
the massive whole is getting bigger as i stay awake and yet i cannot seem to give in. it's almost like im on some sort of amphetamine. but im not. depressed, empty, in pain, my teeth chattering. what the fuck.
i keep craving so bad.
so so so bad. i know everyone said im doing a good job at staying away from h but i keep remembering the good things about it.. and 4 days seem like an eternity til i get my ocs and i keep craving a needle in my arm almost to the point where i just want to draw my own blood.
im trying to do this because well, i need my money for my car insurance and if i blow it on dope im fucked and my tolerance is horrible..

money isnt easy to come by-- and neither is happiness.
i have this beautiful man next to me that does nothing but treat me like a human sleeping silently while i sit here in pain and tears in my eyes. i dont get it.
i dont know why i hurt so often, i dont know why i think like i do. why i feel everything would get so much better if i didnt exsist.
i know i give you guys advice, and i love helping and i feel very close with all of you already-- but i dont understand why i cant take my own damn advice and apply it to myself. because im no better than the wind outside.
infact, i wish thats all i was.
i hate craving.
i feel so helpless, and i cant handle not having control.. thats when i start to cut and starve myself, thats being in control of something atleast.
i just want this shit to end.
on top of everything, i dont know if anybody believes in ghosts or whatever-- but i see them from time to time and i had this insane experience with one at the beach the other day, (i wasnt on anything lol). i saw a lady in a white dress walking towards me on the water yet she couldnt get passed the sand. and she was clearly there, just transparent.. i kept blinking and she was still there for a couple minutes. and sure enough, the pictures i took of the water, she was in it, but its a orb instead of the real apparition i saw.. so i contacted a medium and he thinks either shes asking for my help, or shes trying to tell me something like somebody in my life will pass away. and ironically my grandma was just hospitalized the other day.. and im just awaiting more info from this man to guide me on how to go about contacting her again.
maybe i seem insane.
but, now im seeing dead ppl. come on.
i guess its an interesting topic starter lol.. to those who dont run away.

basically, this road needs to be cleared in so many ways.. and i cant handle everything i suppress. i just cant anymore, its the needles that did it. if i never picked up i wouldnt be here right now i swear. i have never felt so small to something so insignificant. and yet here i am making it the most important thing in my life.
im sorry for rambling.
i just wish i could be normal for a little while. sometimes.

thanks everyone, my love goes out to all that listen to my stories.

 

[n3ophy7e]

Hey honey, not sure if you're aware but there's a Blogs section in your profile. You write really well and you've got a lot of interesting stories etc. I reckon you could make really good use of the Blogs section! The public forum space is more suited to specific questions and discussion topics.

I hope you can try and get some sleep soon though hun. I know what it's like to need sleep so badly but not be able to relax. It's so frustrating. Please always remember that you ARE doing well staying off H, please keep it up hun. The good things about staying clean FAR outweigh the good things about using.

 

[dishearten]

Hey honey, not sure if you're aware but there's a Blogs section in your profile. You write really well and you've got a lot of interesting stories etc. I reckon you could make really good use of the Blogs section! The public forum space is more suited to specific questions and discussion topics.

I hope you can try and get some sleep soon though hun. I know what it's like to need sleep so badly but not be able to relax. It's so frustrating. Please always remember that you ARE doing well staying off H, please keep it up hun. The good things about staying clean FAR outweigh the good things about using.

thank you i will try...

 

[burntserkits]

I hope you have found your peace and are able to rest. Insomnia plagues me from time-to-time and it's so frustrating. You just have to steady your mind and relax...it will come. Best of luck...

 

[the_ketaman]

You sound so much like myself its crazy(apart from the seeing dead ppl stuff), I have felt like your feeling many a time while WD'ing from oxy's and it will pass. Maybe consider getting yourself on a methadone program? Thats what I did and is the only reason ive been able to stay away from opiates, it is the best thing that has happened to me in years and ive been off oxy for about 8 months now and cant see myself getting back on them any time soon.

I so want to be there to just give you a hug and make you some nice healthy soup or something! lol
I used to feel like I was a bad person, a worthless person who had no purpose on this planet. I felt like all I could do in life was fail, and whenever I did get away from drugs I would only ever make it 3 months max, but here I am 8 months clean off all other opiates except methadone. This is actually the first time ive thought about it and im pretty shocked actually, after OD'ing 3 times I thought the inevitable was death by the needle but maybe I was wrong.

You CAN do it, and the longer you stay away from it the less you will think about it. What is your life situation like atm....Does your man/friends/family use? Why do you use?

Honey, the WD's will only last a few more days and it will get easier much sooner than you think. I hate to think that someone else is in the same kind of pain that I have been in while WD'ing, its not a nice feeling.. You must also eat as much as you can, food gives your brain alot of the things it needs to make you feel happy and normal as well as excercise, even just going for a walk around the block, but if you can do more then do more, believe me on this one. Warm or hot baths/showers with salts or stuff that smells nice, though dont do that under the influence of sleeping pills/xanax. Give yourself a feast for the senses, it will help distract you from all the negetive shit going on.

Please let us know how you are, take care, things dont stay shitty forever.

 

[tyler5]

Warm or hot baths/showers with salts or stuff that smells nice, though dont do that under the influence of sleeping pills/xanax. .

a very nice reply but im just curious - why would it be a bad idea to take a warm bath and then a hot shower while being intoxicated by midazolam or alprazolam for instance (or any of the benzos)?

 

[Z Y G G Y]

^ because you might fall asleep and drown...gotta be careful. I suppose there wouldn't be any immediate danger to your body from the combination of hot water and benzos, it's just that you have to be careful not to fall asleep and that might not be easy when intoxicated by hypnotic depressants. It's just dangerous. Better to just take a quick shower if anything.