Implosion/Explosion

[suki_lives]

I’m sorry I couldn’t be the one for you
You know how much I still miss you
You taught me the art of compassion and of letting my heart be patient
Showed me not to fritter it all away in one go
You’ve given me a way of life that I thought was unobtainable
In losing you I’ve come to realise that I was capable of everything you said
If I could only give you all those tears back
If only I could rewind all the hurt we both felt

I wish I could see your half smile
Gently curving lips to show your pleasure
I feel like I’m going half-crazy without it
The only problem is I can’t keep grieving for you
Because the Cub I knew is gone forever now
Jennyfur’s vanished somewhere into the ether
We obliterated each other with our words
Me the explosion, you the implosion
The phoenix which rose from both our ashes
Was not something that could be joined again
Like I’d been smashing cups in the kitchen and hiding the splinters
If I could find that moment of impact
I’d keep resuscitating until all the hurt and harsh words spluttered out of you

If I could breathe new life into old us then I’d do it with my last breath
Again and again until I had you back in my arms
If I had known that the only way I could have this life is without you
Then I’d have rejected it from the start
Because I just don’t see the point of being gifted any of this when you’re not here
The only time I see you is brief flashes of your face as you pass in the traffic
Or when you step into my dreams to tell me what I need to hear
The only compensation my heart has are those nights
Where you show yourself to me and take my face in your paws
Reassuring me with the special words that only you knew
The only person who understood how to soothe my heart’s wild digressions
So I writhe soundlessly, grasping for your body between sleep and consciousness
Sticky with treacle sleep
As you shine in my dreams like a diamond

Then I wake, and you are gone

Now I have this life and I have these friends
I have all this music and love and freedom and ideas
What I wish most is that I could have it all
Have the music, have the friends, have the love
And have you

Please know that my heart still sings for you, even if you never hear it.

"If only I could, I'd make a deal with god"

 

[Sziontist]

very touching.

 

[DJmacabre]

"The only time I see you is brief flashes of your face as you pass in the traffic
Or when you step into my dreams to tell me what I need to hear"

I teared up reading this for some reason, and that was a great line. This reminds me very much of my last relationship gone sour.
nice work

 

[suki_lives]

I have only just seen the responses to this thread and would like to thank you for taking the time to respond.

I wish I could say this poem was cathartic but sadly it is just another bouquet of musings arranged to try and help me make sense of this time I'm going through, a time where a lover from so long ago (Oct 08 ) is still resonating...

I'm privileged this sparked enough emotion for you to tear up, thank you for letting me know, to be honest as I read this back it made me tear up again too.

This is such a hard time, you'd think after over a year that I'd be starting to live again, but I do find myself still missing what has gone.

Thanks again to all who have read this, and to you both for responding.

Suki

 

[3flyingducks]

Echoes of the past