4:23 a.m. and my worst fear has come true....
i find myself at this damn computer screen once again,
with tears streaming down my cheeks.
i'd like to blame it on the chic flick i just watched,
but its been an hour since the last of the credits rolled off the screen...
and what was one tear... then two.. is now a sob.
and here i am again, guys.
falling apart for all of you to watch.
i just got done telling Dagny 2 nights ago
that my next piece would make her really happy...
but i never had the chance to write it,
and it figures that tonight
would cancel it out.
my head is so tangled.
do you know what its like to feel like that,
every time
even when my life looks like its starting to get good...
do you know what its like to watch it all crumble
because of you?
i cant sleep
i cant trust
i cant even pretend anymore.
i've lost my ability to bullshit the world
into thinking i'm happy
i'm fucking miserable.
and it was so easy to pick up the razor
and put it to the plate
and cut out a perfect line
and fall deep into that all-too-familiar void
where its still 3 years ago
and my living room fades into our bedroom on carson st...
and in this fake reality
i cant grasp that you're not real
and that when the world comes back into focus
you'll be gone again.
i wish all the bad things in my life would go away...
instead of all the good things.
no matter how bad you hurt me,
you must have been something good in my life,
at least for a short time
because i still think the world of you,
in between hating you.
sometimes i wish you'd come back,
even if it was just to bring me more misery
and other times,
i wish i had never met you.
because you're fucking up everything.
still.
even from hundreds of miles away.
its so typical of me...
every time i try to let you go,
i end up begging you to stay.
you redefine me
just when i think i'm fine,
you remind me how easily i fall apart
and even after i heard what i came here for... and my heart sank
you told me not to fuck things up with danny.
but maybe i already have,
with every tear that falls from my eyes
and a little more every second that my heart is with you,
and not with him.
all i can do is stare at your name as it blinks on my screen,
and sigh
and hope you dont know i'm trembling too bad to reply
because i cant have you this close to me,
and not miss you.
i always said if i was lucky enough to see you again,
i'd never let you go.
no matter how much you fought me
i would steal you away
and take you somewhere where even our memories couldnt catch us...
not this time.
guess i just make a better ex-girlfriend.
it will satisfy you to know that
you still have your charm
the ability to break my heart with a look
and to win me over with a shrug
whats it like to be so adored?
to know that no matter what you do to fuck things up,
there will always be a girl who would give you the world,
if you'd just let her..
i once told you i'd give up anything for you.
and despite everything
i still would.
no more stupid fights about socks.
or about dishes.
or about other girls.
i know there's still a girl in me that you love
and i wish you still wanted her.
i dread all the people that will frown on me when they read this
especially you frosty,
cuz its been years since i woke you up in the middle of the night
to cry to you like this
but part of me knows that you are the only know that might understand.
i'm lucky to have you.
and i promise you someday
i'll be waking you up to tell you something good...
me and you have had too many of these nights.
life owes us.
danny.
if only you knew
how you have changed my life
in so short a time.
i think a lot of people
dont know they will be missed
once they are gone.
i wish i could tell you
you're not just my reason not to cry at night
because you're in so many ways
so much more.
i only wish i hadn't lost my ability to trust
it saddens me.
i dont want to fall for you this hard
because i wont want to let you go either...
when your fingers slip out of the grasp
of a hand that held you up for so long,
its a feeling that lingers on your soul forever
you can always remember with such vividness
the way your world turned black
when you were forced to let go...
and i'm so terrified to know that day is out there.
it almost seems better to do it now,
and not look back.
but i cant.
tell me something,
anything.
tell me i'm not just another girl
tell me i'm SOMETHING
anything....to you.
tell me i have something here
that is real.
even if i dont have it for long...
let me know i at least had it.
because i feel like i have nothing
and its hard to hold on to nothing.
tonight is so imperfect.
you're not here
and things are wrong in my head again
and its 6:25 and i still cant find an ending to this poem,
or to this night
or to justin
and to all these feelings that haunt me
its sad,
but maybe i dont want to forget you.
maybe i dont need a perfect night
or a perfect person to share it with...
maybe imperfect is ok sometimes....
but my heart says, dont settle for less this time.
i find myself at this damn computer screen once again,
with tears streaming down my cheeks.
i'd like to blame it on the chic flick i just watched,
but its been an hour since the last of the credits rolled off the screen...
and what was one tear... then two.. is now a sob.
and here i am again, guys.
falling apart for all of you to watch.
i just got done telling Dagny 2 nights ago
that my next piece would make her really happy...
but i never had the chance to write it,
and it figures that tonight
would cancel it out.
my head is so tangled.
do you know what its like to feel like that,
every time
even when my life looks like its starting to get good...
do you know what its like to watch it all crumble
because of you?
i cant sleep
i cant trust
i cant even pretend anymore.
i've lost my ability to bullshit the world
into thinking i'm happy
i'm fucking miserable.
and it was so easy to pick up the razor
and put it to the plate
and cut out a perfect line
and fall deep into that all-too-familiar void
where its still 3 years ago
and my living room fades into our bedroom on carson st...
and in this fake reality
i cant grasp that you're not real
and that when the world comes back into focus
you'll be gone again.
i wish all the bad things in my life would go away...
instead of all the good things.
no matter how bad you hurt me,
you must have been something good in my life,
at least for a short time
because i still think the world of you,
in between hating you.
sometimes i wish you'd come back,
even if it was just to bring me more misery
and other times,
i wish i had never met you.
because you're fucking up everything.
still.
even from hundreds of miles away.
its so typical of me...
every time i try to let you go,
i end up begging you to stay.
you redefine me
just when i think i'm fine,
you remind me how easily i fall apart
and even after i heard what i came here for... and my heart sank
you told me not to fuck things up with danny.
but maybe i already have,
with every tear that falls from my eyes
and a little more every second that my heart is with you,
and not with him.
all i can do is stare at your name as it blinks on my screen,
and sigh
and hope you dont know i'm trembling too bad to reply
because i cant have you this close to me,
and not miss you.
i always said if i was lucky enough to see you again,
i'd never let you go.
no matter how much you fought me
i would steal you away
and take you somewhere where even our memories couldnt catch us...
not this time.
guess i just make a better ex-girlfriend.
it will satisfy you to know that
you still have your charm
the ability to break my heart with a look
and to win me over with a shrug
whats it like to be so adored?
to know that no matter what you do to fuck things up,
there will always be a girl who would give you the world,
if you'd just let her..
i once told you i'd give up anything for you.
and despite everything
i still would.
no more stupid fights about socks.
or about dishes.
or about other girls.
i know there's still a girl in me that you love
and i wish you still wanted her.
i dread all the people that will frown on me when they read this
especially you frosty,
cuz its been years since i woke you up in the middle of the night
to cry to you like this
but part of me knows that you are the only know that might understand.
i'm lucky to have you.
and i promise you someday
i'll be waking you up to tell you something good...
me and you have had too many of these nights.
life owes us.
danny.
if only you knew
how you have changed my life
in so short a time.
i think a lot of people
dont know they will be missed
once they are gone.
i wish i could tell you
you're not just my reason not to cry at night
because you're in so many ways
so much more.
i only wish i hadn't lost my ability to trust
it saddens me.
i dont want to fall for you this hard
because i wont want to let you go either...
when your fingers slip out of the grasp
of a hand that held you up for so long,
its a feeling that lingers on your soul forever
you can always remember with such vividness
the way your world turned black
when you were forced to let go...
and i'm so terrified to know that day is out there.
it almost seems better to do it now,
and not look back.
but i cant.
tell me something,
anything.
tell me i'm not just another girl
tell me i'm SOMETHING
anything....to you.
tell me i have something here
that is real.
even if i dont have it for long...
let me know i at least had it.
because i feel like i have nothing
and its hard to hold on to nothing.
tonight is so imperfect.
you're not here
and things are wrong in my head again
and its 6:25 and i still cant find an ending to this poem,
or to this night
or to justin
and to all these feelings that haunt me
its sad,
but maybe i dont want to forget you.
maybe i dont need a perfect night
or a perfect person to share it with...
maybe imperfect is ok sometimes....
but my heart says, dont settle for less this time.
