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Impending doom I feel the end is near

OpiateKiller

OpiateKiller

Bluelighter
Joined
Feb 14, 2019
Messages
2,370
well fellas it’s been a dark few weeks I’ve been doing things I shouldn’t be and I’ve been in a rut deep down in this cycle of darkness. Someone was messing with me and calling me playing recordings of my ex having sex with them which is traumatic if you know my story because this is happened before. It’s all happening because I had sex with this person ex and it’s a big mess and I don’t even live in that state anymore and it’s just pathetic. but I’ve been making reckless decisions regardless or drive no business doing things such as running all the blood through micron filters old cabs old cottons it’s just been grimy I’ve been using vodka to think that maybe that would sterilize some of it and I at least got the quad deleted pieces out but still I have a terrible headache I’m not doing too good and I just feel defeated

I’m eating about 4 to 8 mg of Clonopin per day I just got my second supplicate shot I’ve been injecting cocaine I don’t know unhealthy right now I just I think my only hope is to sign up for a year-long program get the fuck out of here for good. I need something serious I can’t do this anymore I can’t be in charge
 
To top it all off I bet $3000 on black on roulette and lost and
And that’s my rent money and my brain is just continuously going heinous things like drug dealer, sell my BMW and travel Europe…I’m all over the map.
 
Hey mate, I think it may be time to look into getting some professional help.

As someone once said to me when my life was out of control (modified for your situation)

If you don't, then this is what however long the rest of your life might look like. It might be a long time. It might not be. It might be somewhere in the middle. But it probably won't change if you're in this deep unless you really sort it out.

My friend told me that when I said I was using close to a gram of meth a day. He wasn't being a dick - he had no idea I was using that much when I asked him for help and thought it was way out of his ability to do so. The heroin was, but maintenance therapy fixed that, and he got me off the meth, for the time being and thank god for that, because while I was sober and thinking rationally I signed up for a free intensive outpatient rehab.

If I had not done so, he would have been correct. I wouldn't have lived much longer, and injecting drug use would have killed me.

I hope you take your situation seriously, because it's serious. Being an IV drug user is bad, being a homeless IV drug user is worse, and I speak from experience.
 
I'm either gonna go out guns blazing like Tony Montana or I'm gonna check into rehab. I've just done this cycle so many times part of me wants to just start kicking doors down and robbing drug dealers and go full blown psychotic. IDC anymore.
 
Dont do that please, as far as you want to be shot, or injuried. If you have been shooting coke and other drugs you will feel a terrible emptyness when you run out. I know that you might know that but sometimes is better to hear it from another person.

If youve writen here is because you have some hope and you trust in BL. Do you have acces to pregabalin or gabapentin? I didnt understand all of your messages cause Im Spanish but I understood that you need help. You can take pregabalin or gabapentin until you go to rehab if its possible.

Ive done all kind of things when I shot and I run out, so you are not the only one who does grimy thinks.

Please update how you doing ok?

Kongoman
❤️❤️❤️❤️
 
OpiateKiller said:
well fellas it’s been a dark few weeks I’ve been doing things I shouldn’t be and I’ve been in a rut deep down in this cycle of darkness. Someone was messing with me and calling me playing recordings of my ex having sex with them which is traumatic if you know my story because this is happened before. It’s all happening because I had sex with this person ex and it’s a big mess and I don’t even live in that state anymore and it’s just pathetic. but I’ve been making reckless decisions regardless or drive no business doing things such as running all the blood through micron filters old cabs old cottons it’s just been grimy I’ve been using vodka to think that maybe that would sterilize some of it and I at least got the quad deleted pieces out but still I have a terrible headache I’m not doing too good and I just feel defeated

I’m eating about 4 to 8 mg of Clonopin per day I just got my second supplicate shot I’ve been injecting cocaine I don’t know unhealthy right now I just I think my only hope is to sign up for a year-long program get the fuck out of here for good. I need something serious I can’t do this anymore I can’t be in charge
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<edited out unhelpful comment - SMod> Learn how to center yourself and meditate, quiet your mind and b at peace within yourself.
 
Last edited by a moderator:
I got this feeling of dome too my friend...just live day by day&like ordinary things...if it's doom...u can't do anything...U can see it like oportunity to do undone jobs....that feelin' is powerful-fear of impending doom&paralyse u...people in many places around world live they daily lifes in war zones....it's a dark times for real
 
Senior Moderator said:
How are you feeling today man? Any further thoughts on getting some help?
Click to expand...
Honestly quite the opposite but the cocaine shots gotta endS everyone feels like I’m gonna have a heart attack w- chest pain.

I wanted to at least spend Christmas with my fam.

I met a new coke dealer last night and he was on ketamine with his buddy and 3 ounces of blow on the table and coke is really bringing the dark side outta me. They were cool as hell and I was 50/50 on robbing them. I’m glad I didn’t cause me and 3 ounces of fish scale I certainly would explode my heart.

I kinda wanna just book a trip to like Costa Rica some country on the water with buffet breakfasts and sober up on vacation in a hotel room. It would cost about 1/10 that or s real rehab
 
Sounds like you need a life that's not just focused on your instant gratification, I am reading about BMWs, trips to a Costa Rica, $3000 bets, buddies with piles of expensive drugs, banging other people's gf's... You ever consider maybe thinking about what your life would look like with some kind of contribution to society?

Sorry man, I get up at the crack of dawn and choke down pain pills just so I can get to my job in the public sector, I could qualify for disability in a New York minute. That, my family, and trying to leave this fucking world better than I found are pretty good motivation not to act the clown. You know how bad I want to drive 20 minutes to score dope and not be sick right now? But I never done it once.
Maybe you are young and lost, that's OK, but time to find yourself buddy. You know you can do something great , look at you go right now! Laser focus on doing the bare minimum to not be sick and sort out a way to spread light in the world. It's the only way to not be miserable more often.
Sorry brother, I am so sick and in pain right now and have days before I can refill my scripts, but I have never driven to the hood to buy dope (I live less than 30 minutes from one of the biggest dope cities in the world) because I know an arrest or getting myself hurt would hurt a whole bunch of people. Hundreds of people. It's the only thing that is keeping me from doing it. If I didn't have those responsibilities I would probably be exactly where you are. In fact, in some ways I am jealous because at least you can escape... But pain is temporary, pride is forever.
 
OpiateKiller said:
well fellas it’s been a dark few weeks I’ve been doing things I shouldn’t be and I’ve been in a rut deep down in this cycle of darkness. Someone was messing with me and calling me playing recordings of my ex having sex with them which is traumatic if you know my story because this is happened before. It’s all happening because I had sex with this person ex and it’s a big mess and I don’t even live in that state anymore and it’s just pathetic. but I’ve been making reckless decisions regardless or drive no business doing things such as running all the blood through micron filters old cabs old cottons it’s just been grimy I’ve been using vodka to think that maybe that would sterilize some of it and I at least got the quad deleted pieces out but still I have a terrible headache I’m not doing too good and I just feel defeated

I’m eating about 4 to 8 mg of Clonopin per day I just got my second supplicate shot I’ve been injecting cocaine I don’t know unhealthy right now I just I think my only hope is to sign up for a year-long program get the fuck out of here for good. I need something serious I can’t do this anymore I can’t be in charge
Click to expand...
Its good to see you got a piece of clarity. Big change from justifying the health benefits of heroin just a few days ago. But these moments of clarity can quickly pass when the plug shows up. Go to rehab. Don't "im thinking maybe about kinda going to rehab in the future" kinda thing.
 
OpiateKiller said:
I just found out some kid got my ex who I literally did drugs 1 time with her in all of 6 years got her hooked on heroin, and is prostituting her out.

This might be my exit.
Click to expand...
That is really heavy man. I am so sorry to hear that. I can only imagine the anguish you're feeling.

But someone else's situation and life choices that you have zero control over is not a reason for you to end YOUR life. There is nothing you could've done to stop this from happening to her.

But you CAN stop yourself from making the choice to end your life.

This is YOUR life, you only get one. Own it. Please choose to stick around <3
 
Feel better, OP. We all have darkness, that's how the light gets in. Plz be cleaner. Abscesses hurt. <3
 
Yeah...hold on man.shits prevailed in this live....till u are young...u fly....then gettin'older shits,preucopations,worries got bigger...ain't easy.have a peace bro♥️🙏
 
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