I'm such a loser I cant stop relasping

[GirlBillySSIM]

Every single time. I try and try and try. Everytime I get sober the guilt kills me. My 10 year loves me soooooo much unconditionally. Thankfully in my culture its not uncommon for the grandkids to spend alot of time with Gma or Gpa because of the simple fact they dont have so many years left on the earth. But the reality is that I am trapped no matter How long I stay clean. My paranoid mom takes xannax as per her doc instructions and she has not abused it. She takes as prescribed. Why am I so fkin stupid? I have a higher IQ than most, excelled at every thing I want to excel. Get whatever I set my heart on. I regret the day I set my heart on drugs n getting high. I can't say I am tired as Im still fairly young(mid 30's). If only I had the money to leave and just start a completely new life. Where I am at I know every single drug addict. Growing up I was surrounded. Literally every person I knew as a kid and teen has turned out to be a little worse than me with using dope, coke, and ultimately crack. The man I once thought was my protector and savior took me in when I was a sack of bones. First time I actually really quit popping pills. He nursed me back to health. Then his jealousy started peeking out. It started with intense yelling, and then smacking, and by the time I could see straight he had already bloodied my lip. and that relationship turned to shit. Never been with a abusive man before. Doesnt help he lives 3 blocks away and has definitely made scenes and all. I know I can be difficult. But I wouldnt ever put my hands on my boyfriend to try and control him. He really tried to tell me that Men hitting women is normal. I told him if he wanted to go join Islam and find him a muslima cuz I will never be with it. I told him hes going to wind up in jail or dead if he continues with me because I wont EVER ACCEPT ABUSE. I didnt sign up for that shit. He doesnt care. And any attempt I make to separate with him is met with threats. idk anymore

 

[sekio]

It sounds like your drug problems aren't the only thing that you are worried about. You're absolutely not a loser - I think anyone in your situation would feel frustrated and overwhelmed. You are doing the right thing by reaching out though!

Unfrotunately I don't have much experience with intimate partner violence. It's disgusting that some individuals have an attitude that they can harm and control others with impunity. From what you've posted here it seems like your relationship with this individual is not a healthy one. The "simple answer" would be to leave them, but that isn't always so simple, as you probably know.

I know it's not the best with the whole coronavirus thing out now, but could you maybe arrange to stay at a relative or friend's house for some time? A temporary retreat to center yourself and form a plan could be useful, if you could do so in a manner that would leave your abuser with no means to find or contact you.

Maybe you should try reaching out to a support organization in your area? I know that where I live there are quite a few organizations that will help people deal with leaving troubling relationships. It sounds excessive, but if this other person in your life is making physical threats and making you feel unsafe, you may be able to apply for a restraining order or domestic violence protection order, which would hopefully give you some peace-of-mind.

In either case, what I would do, is try to work on one thing at a time. Deal with your personal safety and mental sanity first, then when you can breathe easily, you can focus on getting sober.

 

[neversickanymore]

^good advice there. Protect and permenenmtly distance yourself from the abusive man, then begin the difficult work needed to heal yourself.

 

[PtahTek]

The man I once thought was my protector and savior took me in when I was a sack of bones.

Men hitting women is normal.

I quit believing in "saviors" decades ago and haven't done too bad.
They all without exception turn out to be something else and/or corrupt: Just experience. Leaders and politicians and etc...........................
Gotta believe in yourself, baby cause few will actually "care".
My dad liked to hit women and he did teach me what not to do.
He quit that shit when i caught him in action and choke-slammed him against a wall. Not proud of that moment but it changed the environment in which we were.
I do want to welcome you to blueligh. Lot of caring and empathetic peers around. Not the worse place to be spending some energy. Being on BL has saved me tons of cash in real life by keeping me occupied in idle time. I would be onda cona.
We gonna be here if you need to chat, get some info, learn, teach, vent or whatever. I find it an oasis in a desert.
Be safe and trust in yourself.
Love always,
Ptah

 

[neversickanymore]

Hey and your not a loser

Here is an explanation of what your involved in. You can do this.

Harm Reduction - The Brain and Addiction

THE BRAIN AND ADDICTION For Addicts and Those Who Love Them

www.bluelight.org

 

[Branggen]

"Im such a loser I cant stop relapsing"
I don't necessarily think this is such a 'bad' thought to be having, I think its important you recognize and acknowledge a problem. I felt that way, like whats wrong with me I continuously am making a decision that I know every time is the wrong one and I just cant stop, what an idiot I am... The way I see it that's us coming to the necessary realization that whatever we were doing to avoid addiction obviously wasn't enough and clearly a different approach is needed. I would suggest you tell people in your personal life what you wrote here about feeling unable to stop, I think doing that helped me feel less guilty. Its not that we are losers its that we know we have been making 'loser' (bad) decisions and it feels bad but its good to understand and accept if you want to change

 

[PtahTek]

I think its important you recognize and acknowledge a problem.

Nicely put.
It is in fact important that the obstacle is recognized to be maneuvered.
I felt this but may be feeling or fooling myself into beliefs of controlled and/or responsible usage. Who knows? Seems like things run a little smoother once I see the speed-bumps; I put on brakes and keep moving (maybe a little slower but still moving ahead).
Thanks for bringing this to the forefront... it is critical thinking, IMO.
Ptah

 

[THECATINTHEHAT]

A bad relationship with yourself is absolutely prime relapse material, that's the spiral/cycle. What you are going through is absolutely typical of many people's experience with getting recovery (including mine), and I am of the opinion that basically you have to learn to be able to let go of those emotions in the short run.

I've found that I had to learn to be really really gentle with myself and never give myself a hard time over relapsing because at that point in recovery you're just in no place to be dealing with that really (especially outside of the confines of inpatient treatment) and protecting against further relapse or heavier using. If you believe that of course you have relapsed again because you are a loser then that is what will continue to happen.

I found that by learning to compartmentalise my emotional response and choosing to put those feelings to the side it put me in a better position to deal with the present. I can still admit and acknowledge a relapse and the effects of it (or my using in general) on those around me, but make a choice to say that I will deal with how I feel about what I have done at a later date when I am in a better position to do so. My experience is that I have to forgive myself to be able to be strong enough to move forward from that place.

So yeah I guess I'm what I'm saying is that by forgiving yourself unconditionally in the short run but still acknowledging the effects of your behaviour, you give yourself the best chance of getting/staying clean with your conscience clear knowing that you will unravel and deal with your own feelings about your behaviour and how it has affected others at a later date.

I'm learning to love myself and be gentle with myself and its helped change my life hugely. It's far from perfect but compared to what it was before its night and day.

 

[JoEhJoEh]

Hello guys,

may I introduce: another loser that can't stop relapsing: ME

Nice to meet you!

JJ

 

[Mafioso]

Wow, that sounds like a lot to be dealing with at once, GirlBilly. I can only imagine how you must be feeling. The stress and pain from the relationship problems seems like enough to drive anyone over the edge. Don't beat yourself up because you aren't perfect/still struggling to make the needed changes. I've yet to meet anyone who has made it more than 2 years clean without at least a half dozen or so relapses. It's a inner battle that can take years to truly win. Just know that it isn't over until you give up, so don't give up. You are making progress whether or not it seems like it, just the change in attitude/desire to get clean is big. Keep feeding this desire. Dream about what your life would look like without drugs in 2 months, 6months, and 2+ years.

And in the meantime, be working on getting yourself in a more stable living condition and emotional state. I'm not super experienced in dealing with domestic violence, so I hope someone else can chime in as well, but I think a good place to start would be calling a social worker in your area, as well as documenting(pictures, video, audio, journaling) every act of violence or threat he commits against you. Next time he lays hands on you, get to somewhere safe and call the cops immediately. If he starts making threats, record him so you have evidence to press charges. If you're worried about possibly catching some drug charges, well can't say that isn't a possibility but maybe flush whatever before the cops get there. Don't let his threats control you, there are far more people who will be on your side than his. You're probably going to have to reach out for some help locally, like a place to stay until you can build your own independence. Might not be a bad time to slip away to rehab if you have insurance/ a way to pay for it.

But if nothing else, please work on your self talk. You are definitely not a loser for relapsing/trying to get clean. Imo, much of the opposite. The thing about self-talk is that it has a way of becoming true. Negative self-talk can impact your feelings and thus your behavior in a self-fulfilling way. That is, you say "I'm a loser I can't do this puzzle", which in turns make you feel dumb and doubt yourself so much that you never even start the puzzle. Compare that to "I am not dumb, I can probably do this puzzle", which will much more likely lead to positive action. This is a bit simplified, but the same is true about recovery. You have to believe in yourself enough to try, and you have to be kind enough to yourself to believe in yourself. Otherwise you'll never try- or if you do try and fail, you'll then say something like "I knew I couldn't do it, I'm a loser" compared to "I guess I'll have to keep working at it and figure out where I went wrong, because I know I can do this".

 

[OpiateKiller]

They actually say those with Higher IQ's and more intelligence are more likely to have problems with drug and alcohol abuse. I tend to find most drug users are smart people, not all, but a lot of us are highly educated, motivated, curious individuals. I don't have a college degree but I have no doubt I could throw a lab coat on and play head pharmacist at CVS for the day. I know drugs like the back of my hand, even non abusable prescriptions from antibiotics to anti-depressants.

Just think, if you can conquer this drug problem you have the rest of your life and the world is yours. That's the position I am too, drugs really are the only thing holding me back. The reason I keep relapsing is I give myself the excuse it's OK. It's never OK and the day I realize it's time to call it quits for good will be a good day for myself, everyone around and the earth in general honestly.