I am so extremely glad to hear everything has improved for you and that you are out of the hospital. Don't forget to give yourself the well deserved kudos and pats on the bat for doing all the hard work to get this far. I often forget too myself.
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I'm sorry for being like this.
- Thread starter cj
- Start date
aroma borealis
Bluelighter
- Joined
- Sep 5, 2014
- Messages
- 116
I think the hospital will only keep you for a few days. That's what they did with me when I went in for being suicidal, but then I am bipolar and they just gave me some new bipolar mood stabilizer medicine and let me go. They did put me on a 72-hour hold though. I wasn't addicted to heroin at the time, although I have been and understand where you are coming from. Fortunately, I was old enough to be long gone from my parents' house when I was using.
My feeling about suicidality is that when you're at the end of your rope, you might as well try anything, any last thing, that might keep you alive. After all, you're talkin' permanence here. So I think your idea about going into the hospital, sub strips up the butt and all, is a good one. And maybe they can help you out with some housing alternatives. Your forced imprisonment at you're parents' sounds horrible.
I think a lot of your difficulty in stopping heroin (and desire not to stop) is for sure related to being molested as a kid. I've know several other addicts in which this is the case. Definitely need somebody professional with experience in helping people with post-traumatic stress disorder from being molested. My best friend has been in this situation (molestation followed by heroin addiction), and unsuprisingly has anger management issues that came out like a son of a bitch when he got off opiates. You're not a loser, you are a hurting person who needs a break.
Please let us know how you are doing.
Much love, aroma.
My feeling about suicidality is that when you're at the end of your rope, you might as well try anything, any last thing, that might keep you alive. After all, you're talkin' permanence here. So I think your idea about going into the hospital, sub strips up the butt and all, is a good one. And maybe they can help you out with some housing alternatives. Your forced imprisonment at you're parents' sounds horrible.
I think a lot of your difficulty in stopping heroin (and desire not to stop) is for sure related to being molested as a kid. I've know several other addicts in which this is the case. Definitely need somebody professional with experience in helping people with post-traumatic stress disorder from being molested. My best friend has been in this situation (molestation followed by heroin addiction), and unsuprisingly has anger management issues that came out like a son of a bitch when he got off opiates. You're not a loser, you are a hurting person who needs a break.
Please let us know how you are doing.
Much love, aroma.
cj
Bluelight Crew
Thank you for this and your other posts. Everything seems to be working out so far!
Yeah hospital kept me 7 days which seemed about average. And Yourtotally right about the abuse stuff leading into the heroin. I think now a lot of my use is fueled by self loathing that comes from feeling like a failure. Its a vicios cycle. Use and feel like a loser then feel worse and use more. I'm honestly not looking forward to the work I'm going to have to on that front but it's what's gonna helpme most. Thanks for the compassion as well it means a lot.
Welcome home in every sense.
thank you! Glad to be back!
cj
Bluelight Crew
What's up everyone!? Just wanted to update you guys on my progress. My relationship with my parents has improved drastically since I got out of the hospital. They are helping get my own apartment in the city where I have always wanted to live. They have also been paying for my therapy appointments which is nice. They have also been supporting me by buying my weed and xanax when I need them which I am super grateful for. Unfortunatly I have slipped up twice in the last 2 weeks with the Heroin for a total of 4 bags. While I am a little disappionted in myself for that I am not going to let it bring me down. I am just going to keep looking forward and trying to figure out the best path for myself.
The counseling is going ok but I find it really hard to be completely honest about everything. The counselor I see made it very clear that if I relapse on any drugs she will simply refer me to rehab and drop me as a client. So naturally I have not told her that I am still using weed and xanax or about my slip up with heroin. I am going to keep shopping around for other therapists with the hope of finding a really open minded one. The hospital referred me to an addiction specialist who wants to blame all my problems on drugs. He doesn't much listen when I tell him that I use the drugs to blot out the mental pain. On the other hand the normal counselors just want to refer me out of practice if I'm honest about drugs. It's a little frustrating.
The other problem I have is with honesty. It's easy for me to be honest on Bl because you guys are my peers for the most part. Yall understand where I'm coming from and offer realistic advice in a non condescending way for the most part. It's crazy the the stigma of heroin is so prevelent even among our mental health providers. I have an appointment with a different therapist early next week so i am going to try the total honesty thing and see how that goes.
Thanks to all of you who have shown me support it means so much!
The counseling is going ok but I find it really hard to be completely honest about everything. The counselor I see made it very clear that if I relapse on any drugs she will simply refer me to rehab and drop me as a client. So naturally I have not told her that I am still using weed and xanax or about my slip up with heroin. I am going to keep shopping around for other therapists with the hope of finding a really open minded one. The hospital referred me to an addiction specialist who wants to blame all my problems on drugs. He doesn't much listen when I tell him that I use the drugs to blot out the mental pain. On the other hand the normal counselors just want to refer me out of practice if I'm honest about drugs. It's a little frustrating.
The other problem I have is with honesty. It's easy for me to be honest on Bl because you guys are my peers for the most part. Yall understand where I'm coming from and offer realistic advice in a non condescending way for the most part. It's crazy the the stigma of heroin is so prevelent even among our mental health providers. I have an appointment with a different therapist early next week so i am going to try the total honesty thing and see how that goes.
Thanks to all of you who have shown me support it means so much!
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Sigh it's such an annoying circle isn't it? Hope you do find one, there are a LOT of therapists out there so your odds are actually good when you think about it that way. Good luck man.
herbavore
Bluelight Crew
CJ, I think that is terrible on the part of your counselor and she should have her damn license suspended! While I suppose you can still work on other issues with her I just can't imagine trying to work with someone that you cannot be completely honest with. Let's just imagine for one minute that it was not heroin that you were doing and say it was gambling. Do you think she would say, if you relapse and gamble even once I won't see you anymore? This is the stigma of heroin use pure and simple. I bet she wouldn't even say it if it were alcohol. I think you should keep looking and find someone that has both addiction counseling knowledge and more general knowledge. You deserve a place where you can feel safe to be completely honest--that is the only way to see how everything in your life ties together and to begin to change that which needs changing.
I have a real love/hate with therapists in general. I have wasted my time and money on some really incompetent stupid people in my life and I feel in the States, where it takes so little to get an MFCC that the field is full of incompetents. However, I will say that I have also seen two people that have helped me in a few short sessions to change my thinking and give me tools that have changed my life. Don't waste your money or your parents money on someone that won't really help you. Keep researching until you find someone that will.If it were me, I would literally call people and tell them exactly where I was in terms of drug use and ask if they were willing to work with me as a client and allow me to be completely honest without fear. I forget where in the US you are and I'm sure that this is easier or harder depending on where you live.
Anyway, now that I've gotten that rant out of me8)
, I'm really glad to hear about your parents and you. It sounds like a more accepting and relaxed situation that will improve your relationship.Mostly I am happy to hear that you are being good to yourself and sounding hopeful.
I have a real love/hate with therapists in general. I have wasted my time and money on some really incompetent stupid people in my life and I feel in the States, where it takes so little to get an MFCC that the field is full of incompetents. However, I will say that I have also seen two people that have helped me in a few short sessions to change my thinking and give me tools that have changed my life. Don't waste your money or your parents money on someone that won't really help you. Keep researching until you find someone that will.If it were me, I would literally call people and tell them exactly where I was in terms of drug use and ask if they were willing to work with me as a client and allow me to be completely honest without fear. I forget where in the US you are and I'm sure that this is easier or harder depending on where you live.
Anyway, now that I've gotten that rant out of me8)
, I'm really glad to hear about your parents and you. It sounds like a more accepting and relaxed situation that will improve your relationship.Mostly I am happy to hear that you are being good to yourself and sounding hopeful.+1 Herbavore
I have a great therapist who I can tell anything and often we will find that we have run over time by 30 or 40 minutes as we both had been talking so in depth that neither of us had even considered the time. I have now moved to her last appointment of the day as we had continued doing it so many times that it was causing a flow on affect and she offered me her last appointment as she felt it would be unfair for my treatment given the progress we were making to cut me off every session. She also doesn't charge me extra only for the standard 1hr regardless of if we go 10mins to 40 minutes over time. She is also great as if I tell her I have relapsed or undertaken other destructive behaviour she doesn't go soft on me and really gives me a giant arse kicking, though she does from a place of care and proceeds to work with me to add additional tools and skills to hopefully prevent it occurring again. I have had other therapist in the past who are like what you are unfortunately experiencing and others who don't care it occurred and generally just ignore it and just go through the motions for the 1hr, take my money and next client, quick in you come. So even if you find someone who won't reject you for your drug usage, as unfortunate as it is I have found you have to be mindful of the other extreme too.
I look at finding a therapist much like finding a life partner, it for most people takes a lot of dating and even more dating to find someone and even then you might go steady for a month and then find it is not working and you have to start dating again. Though never giving up and keeping at it you find your life partner in the end.
Well that has been my experience in the game of finding a therapist and I have finally found one and now my recovery is flying along but it took a lot of work and time to find them.
I have a great therapist who I can tell anything and often we will find that we have run over time by 30 or 40 minutes as we both had been talking so in depth that neither of us had even considered the time. I have now moved to her last appointment of the day as we had continued doing it so many times that it was causing a flow on affect and she offered me her last appointment as she felt it would be unfair for my treatment given the progress we were making to cut me off every session. She also doesn't charge me extra only for the standard 1hr regardless of if we go 10mins to 40 minutes over time. She is also great as if I tell her I have relapsed or undertaken other destructive behaviour she doesn't go soft on me and really gives me a giant arse kicking, though she does from a place of care and proceeds to work with me to add additional tools and skills to hopefully prevent it occurring again. I have had other therapist in the past who are like what you are unfortunately experiencing and others who don't care it occurred and generally just ignore it and just go through the motions for the 1hr, take my money and next client, quick in you come. So even if you find someone who won't reject you for your drug usage, as unfortunate as it is I have found you have to be mindful of the other extreme too.
I look at finding a therapist much like finding a life partner, it for most people takes a lot of dating and even more dating to find someone and even then you might go steady for a month and then find it is not working and you have to start dating again. Though never giving up and keeping at it you find your life partner in the end.
Well that has been my experience in the game of finding a therapist and I have finally found one and now my recovery is flying along but it took a lot of work and time to find them.
herbavore
Bluelight Crew
^oh, if only we could clone her!
d-nihl
Bluelighter
Great thread, a lot of good advice for cooping mentally, crimsjuk, hope everything is still going good for you! for real, that's some hard shit to do.
Recently been going thru the same thing here. I just got out of detox and dabbled a little, didn't matter cuz its the subs which needs to be kicked. but im comin up on a week no subs/H and I was on (.5mg) so im good with just a little bud by now...a whole week, shieeet.
Crimsonjunk I wish I was you right now! ya baaassstaaaad! I cant wait to be on the other side of the fence with you!
Recently been going thru the same thing here. I just got out of detox and dabbled a little, didn't matter cuz its the subs which needs to be kicked. but im comin up on a week no subs/H and I was on (.5mg) so im good with just a little bud by now...a whole week, shieeet.
Crimsonjunk I wish I was you right now! ya baaassstaaaad! I cant wait to be on the other side of the fence with you!
cj
Bluelight Crew
I'm still on suboxone bro. Should have made that more clear. To there credit the hospital actually gave me 2mg of sub a day just on my word honestly. I can't say enough about UAB hospital out of all the institutions I have been in this is the only place that I really felt gave a fuck. But good luck to you on the sub withdrawal. I made it 60 days off sub last year after a rehab trip but the PAWS where just too much to handle. My advice is to be kind to yourself if you need benzos use them if you need weed smoke it if you need speed take it. Whatever it takes to stay off the opiates.
cj
Bluelight Crew
Update. My life has I proved dramatically since my hospitalization and suicide attempt. I have a job that I have held for almost 3 months now which is a huge deal for me! I am on methadone maintenance, which is controlling my cravings much better than sub was. This I have managed to cut down my heroin use from 60-80 dollars a day to like 40 dollars a week. Which is incredible for me! Also my relationship with my family has improved even as my friends have abandoned me. Nothing is perfect I guess. But overall things are much much better than they where.
I haven't been around much if at all really since my post above, dealing with some of my own demons and mental health issues. Just wanted to check in CJ and see how things are traveling for you and very much hope they are on the up and up still
nygiants1313
Bluelighter
I know how you feel bro i'm right there with you. 26 living at home. Was unemployed for months finally got a job. I am contemplating hard just like you. I am convinced if I died my family would be sad but then they would be FUCKING RELIEVED. no more worrying about nygiants1313. no more disappointment. no financial burden. I know they would be sad but deep down they would be better off. I start my job in 2 weeks, and will go get my own place. It is my LAST hurrah. I Hope you have 1 more in you as well. But I know EXACTLY what you are going through. Subs-heroin-oxy-subs endless shit and you truly want the misery to end, while giving your family peace when you're gone. But then I try and think of tings in more of a nihilistic approach where you must not stress so much. We all die one day so might as well keep trying. 30 years as an addict or 30 years as a lawyer in the grand scheme of things MEAN SHYT when it comes to the universe and all. Nothing really matters. The negative mind is powerful and can really make things look a lot worse then they are.
IDK i'm rambling. I wish you luck because like I said I am you, we are living the same life. But I've given up on "getting clean for me" or "living a good normal product life for me." Nah fuck that. I know how happy my dad will be when I get it together so im doing it all for him. I been talking to a friend whose the exact same as you and me and we both are deciding 2 get our shyt straight because this is that time in life. You either get shyt straight now otherwise u end up dead or in jail. And i'm seeing more and more addicts I've known die very recently at this age,.
idk i'm rambling now
IDK i'm rambling. I wish you luck because like I said I am you, we are living the same life. But I've given up on "getting clean for me" or "living a good normal product life for me." Nah fuck that. I know how happy my dad will be when I get it together so im doing it all for him. I been talking to a friend whose the exact same as you and me and we both are deciding 2 get our shyt straight because this is that time in life. You either get shyt straight now otherwise u end up dead or in jail. And i'm seeing more and more addicts I've known die very recently at this age,.
idk i'm rambling now