cyberius
Bluelight Crew
- Joined
- Mar 11, 2013
- Messages
- 1,571
I have an endless (not seemingly, fucking endless, 24/7 non fucking stop) sense of unrest in my head and I can not move forward. I just want to relax, but these intrusive thoughts are never fucking ending and I'm completely powerless to do anything to fix it. I can't even meditate because these thoughts happen like an endless stream of useless information. I can't fucking go to therapy because the fucking god damned therapists don't help me fast enough and I don't have an appointment for meds or anything for at least another 3 weeks
I can't drink because that makes me crazy
I can't go to sleep because my minds too busy making me suffer
I can't smoke because it makes me crazy
I get no comfort from anything in my life anymore
My emotional state is completely irrelevant to what is actually happening around me and I can hardly predict it
What the goddamned fucking hell do I do
I keep making all these healthy changes to my life like
biking 2 hours a day
lifting weights
eating healthy, almost fully vegan
avoiding sugar
but saying no to myself only makes me so tense I want to start scratching my skin until I bleed out. I said no to almost all of my impulses today and now I feel like I can't take my mind off of one repeating feeling of dread powerlessness and inferiority
I'm not even thinking about meth anymore I'm closer to the point where I just want to die to be rid of this shit

I can't drink because that makes me crazy
I can't go to sleep because my minds too busy making me suffer
I can't smoke because it makes me crazy
I get no comfort from anything in my life anymore
My emotional state is completely irrelevant to what is actually happening around me and I can hardly predict it
What the goddamned fucking hell do I do
I keep making all these healthy changes to my life like
biking 2 hours a day
lifting weights
eating healthy, almost fully vegan
avoiding sugar
but saying no to myself only makes me so tense I want to start scratching my skin until I bleed out. I said no to almost all of my impulses today and now I feel like I can't take my mind off of one repeating feeling of dread powerlessness and inferiority
I'm not even thinking about meth anymore I'm closer to the point where I just want to die to be rid of this shit
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