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im loosing my mind

DexysMidnightRuner

DexysMidnightRuner

Bluelighter
Joined
Apr 20, 2009
Messages
269
ive reached a point where i have been abusing drugs for about 3 years straight. and i completely loosing my mind. i freak out over nothing, my suicidal tendencies are at a max. like my boyfriend literally hid all the pills on me tonight. i embarrassed him in front of his friends again tonight, and like i'm this fucking close. this fucking close to ending it. i have a choice of either going to rehab..and not seeing my boyfriend for 90 fucking days, moving to his moms house putting myself in an out patient program and trying to avoid all my my old friends and just try and focus on school..but this option keeps me in the same town, or trying to convince my parents to send us to one of my or his relatives far far away. idk what the fuck to do at this point. im destroying my relationship. im destroying my life. i want to get away but i dont want to go to rehab without him. idk what to fuckin do and its killing me man. there has got to be something wrong with me man. im this close to ending my life but i cant do that cause my boyfriends already been through that once. i dont know what to do or whats wrong with me man. i need help. please
 
Sweetie, if you got into rehab you might feel better and determined to beat those monkeys off your back within a week's time and accept that you can't sit with your man. You're feeling not whole, complete, fulfilled in life and THAT'S a big reason why you're piling drugs into that void, and to a large extent, why you can't bear the thought of being separated from your man for a while. Once you get in and stabilized you will no longer be this current YOU, you'll likely be a much better you that's a lot stronger and in a lot better place mentally to bear the burden you're feeling.

Take the plunge and check yourself in; it doesn't sound like you're living much of an enjoyable life now and you're going to have to choke down the fear for a few hours to get there and accept some discomfort for sure, but imagine a life that isn't this current one. Wouldn't you do anything for that right now?
 
There are more options available than you are giving yourself.

I guess before I go on some tangential rant about that, I'd like to ask what drugs have you been on for three years?
&
what is your notion of rehab? are you considering doing inpatient treatment somewhere or outpatient, or just going to meetings and/or chemical dependency group sessions?

-------

i read your post and i read the words 'my boyfriend' several times. it is good that you have someone to care about, but if you are going to actually consider rehab and make it work it has to come from YOU and be all about you or it is not going to work. the end of the day all you have is you and your self, (this is coming from someone who was recently locked up for a few weeks) and you need to make peace with that person. maybe drugs are your big issue, maybe (like most of us) you use them to deal with other shit. all i am saying is that you have to look at the cause and not just the symptoms of your unhappiness.

<3
 
ive been doing every drug there is except on the psychadelic aspect. heroin, crack coke, speed..you name it. i just recently ended a bout with coke and it made me the skeviest person ive ever been even through a 4 month speed addiction. im an iv user and im scared i wont make it to 21. i dont want to go to rehab because im not physically dependent on anything and i got myself off a speed addiction cold turkey all by myself, it would be stupid to give up now. plus if i go to rehab my boyfriend wont come with me because he wants to do it himself, na meetings and maybe out patient. but im scared if i go away to rehab that when i come back hell either be dead or close to it because i wasnt there. what i really want to do is go away, get away from this town to like a relatives and put myself in out patient and go to meetings. i just dont want to go to rehab here, have my parents waste all their money on it, and have me come back and relapse because there is no other way in this town. plus if i dont get out and i go to community college here and fuck it up one more time my parents stop paying for college all together and kick me out. plus every one iv known to go to rehab either a) find drugs there b) relapse when they come back. like the best thing to do is leave. right? just get out away from where drugs are so available or where i know they are. plus, ive been with my boyfriend 24/7 for a year and a half. we have the same classes, live together, do drugs together. how could we handle being apart in rehab for 3 months? i also wanna accomplish something for once in my life. i got myself here i should get myself out. if i stay here im just going to keep doing drugs. people places and things man thats what its all about. getting out would be the best option right? i just dont know what to do. im soooo scared i wont make it to 21 and im turning 20 in september...thats sad. i really do want to quit. if we stay here well just keep going down to the hood and fooling ourselves until were dead. :(
 
If you really want to stop using drugs, you will need to act in your own best interest regardless of what your boyfriend decides to do. So if you think rehab will help, then go. If you think moving to another town will help, then go. I spent 4 months in rehab, I had to leave my gf at the time. You are 20, a relationships should not be making your life decisions for you.

Like you said, you want to accomplish things and achieve your goals. This is impossible if you continue to use drugs in this way. Do what is best for you!
 
Ah just do the rehab. It'll give you a chance to meet people in the same situation as you, work out your shit, and strengthen the relationship between you and your boyfriend when you come back from rehab. Do what is best for you!
 
Well you need to get yourself sorted out before you can be any good to your b/f. Saying that it can be easier to kick when your with someone you love or atleast it was for me. I quit a IV morphine and dilaudid habit while staying with my g/f and it was the only time i didnt get the heebie jeebies after quitting.

Saying that you can be pretty hard to live with while withdrawing even if they arent physically dependant on anything. Although if you take amphetamines alot you probably will get some withdrawal and amphetamine withdrawal is certainly not nice. So if your kicking at home you have to make sure your b/f or noone else is gonna give you any extra of your meds or go score for you.

All the same some people seem to do better in rehab then kicking at home so the rehab thing might not be a bad idea. At the end of the day it's up to you really.

Good luck :)
 
If you don't go get help, you may not be around for your bf much longer anyhow. Have you thought of that. You already said your afraid you won't make 21. Maybe if he sees you doing it, being successful, it will help him do the same. If you do leave, you still need to get into some kind of treatment because you can learn to score anywhere. You still need to deal with the underlying issues. I know it is hard to be away, believe me. I have borderline personality disorder and major abandonment issues. I can't stand for my husband to go away for a few days without balling like a silly little girl, even after 13 years together. But you guys can't keep going on like this, something bad is going to happen and you will be left saying "I should have gone".
 
I left my bf to a hospital stay. Multiple ones actually. I couldn't stop trying to kill myself. Began at 16, last real suicide attempt and near success was when I was 17. Despite how desperate I was to die...hospitalization always worked.

And you know what? I lost my bf of nearly 2 years while locked up. Apparently he was waiting for me to go away so he could date my best friend of 7 years. It was hard for a long time, but I'm better for it now. Real friends don't steal boyfriends or manipulate you when you're in a tough place.

If you can't keep yourself safe, you need to be somewhere people can keep an eye on you and help you get out of your depression.
 
thanks for all your help. after reading these, i decided to go to outpatient in chicago & live with my aunt. my boyfriend came with me, and i have successfully been clean for 78 days today. i was using anything and everything - except pcp and meth, but my biggest problem was IV coke. that is why i was so crazy and loosing my mind. im still kinda crazy and have anger issues but its not nearly to the extent that i was. its manageable now. i still have alot to work on, but with time, a good attitude, and a straight head i think i can do it. i have alot to learn about myself too but i have learned quite a bit in three months. i miss the lifestyle alot, but looking back at this post it reminds me how bad things were. i find that many of us tend to forget about the terrible times and only dwell on the "best" memories. but going back and reading previous posts and such helps. i know it will be a long road, but i also know that if things go sour again, i will for sure go back to rehab. it was not nearly as bad as i thought it was going to be >.< thanks again :) you guys saved my life and helped me make a really tough decision.


plus, i see how terrible i was on drugs. i see what i put my boyfriend through, and i know he loves me because why else would he have stayed with me and put up with alllll that shit. and now because im clean, i see that he isnt the end all be all. i can be a person without him. i dont need to kill myself if we break up. and because of all this, quitting amps and coke, i know i will NEVER try meth because i thought both of those were hard enough to quit. meth would be like coke and amps rolled into one. an amazing rush and a lasting high - that would lead to my death for sure. so am who i am because of this and yes it sucks sometimes, but people care and things get better. thanks again :)
 
we have both been clean for 78 days. hes actually had a much easier time being clean - or so he says. when we go to meetings, he never has any complaints or problems, and he hasnt had one complaint to me. so i think hes doing fine. hes even found things to do sober that he rather enjoys.

i on the other hand, yeah i enjoy being sober, but i find it really hard at times. we were doing alot of coke, and hes not really an upper person so i dont think he really thinks about it now but i on the other hand love uppers - obviously - so i miss it terribly sometimes. i also get stuck in the past and that kinda derails my progress. i also still have depression - which i am working on - but that keeps my energy levels down, i get discouraged alot, and its hard for me to find things i really enjoy. i have things i like but no passion yet, which is sometimes also very discouraging.

so i think im struggling more then he is to be honest.

although i think im more realistic because he doesnt think he has the "disease" he thinks he was only a situational addict. i wholeheartedly admit i am an addict through and through and will forever have to live with the disease, no matter how much i wish rehab just cured me haha. so i guess time will tell..
 
Great job. Keep doing what you're doing if it's been helping you, and there is no need to be hard on yourself if you struggle sometimes. It's a huge change that you've made so it makes sense that you will sometimes miss your old lifestyle. If you stay honest with yourself you'll remember all the downsides too, which you seem to be able to keep clear in your mind.

Enjoy your new life :)
 
i read all of your posts and i just wanted to say CONGRATULATIONS TO YOU!! That is a huge accomplishment to have stayed sober that long:)
 
i totally understand the missing part i am on methadone maitence now for opiate addiction which has totally saved my life but years ago i went thru a shooting meth (speed) faze for about 2 years and i still think about it sometimes and its bee 6 years ago but i promise u over time it will get better it just takes time but u have made it this far and i know u can continue to do well best of luck
 
im so glad i found this site. its helped me in so many ways. using, sober, through mental issues. its a great site with great people.

i mainly miss the lifestyle. the excitement, the "unknowing" even though i did the same things every day ha. the high part wasnt necessarily fun anymore like the last year..once i had to quit my amps..until i found coke. but there is always sooooo much shit that comes with the "best" highs. i just always seem to forget them. i like being sober because i dont have to lie, i dont have to worry about who will find what and if they will, i dont have to hide..i miss using because now i have to actually deal with my problems, and ive been running away from them for so long and tried to use drugs to fix them that i have no coping skills for the mental problems. im exactly where i was before i started using, maybe even worse off because of the amps usage and that permanently changes you brain chemistry - and one of the main areas changed is the area with the ability to manage and rationally handle emotional problems. so i could be even worse off. >.<

its just going to be so hard, and take alot of strength. i have to do alot of discovering about myself, and get alot of courage to actually FACE my problems. because until i do that ill be the same person and not make any progress. i just hope i can do it.

but i know deep down that with the help of you good people on blue light, alot of self discovery, and ALOT of patience, it could happen. its good that this site can be used in any state of mind. :)
 
Is 30 yrs old too late?

Im nearly 30 years old. Is it too late to restart my life, rebuild credit and find a nice woman? These past 5 years were burned due to parties and personal mental issues
 
I'm glad to hear that it's working out, all too often things don't end nearly so nicely...but if I was you I'd watch your boyfriend if he has the attitude that he wasn't a "real" addict. Unfortunately that kind of thinking all too often ends in people thinking that they can handle just using once or a few times then stopping, but it ends up that they get rehooked. On the other hand I give ya mad props for not going back. Obviously we don't know what the future holds, but getting and staying clean is not an accomplishment to be taken lightly, especially seeing as there are so many who can't make it more than a week or two max. Anyways, keep up the good work, it's always nice to hear that people really are capable of getting out.
 
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