TDS I'm in real trouble. There's no way out. Someone threatened to kill me...

It sounds like you've developed light schizophrenia. All I can say is get off prescribed meds completely, I know too many people who are prescribed to bullshit, including adderal and have lost touch of reality. May the God in you help your well being.
 
Hey SwampFox, really sorry to hear you're going through all of this, but I'm glad to see that things are starting to turn around for you.

How has your communication with your parents been since the initial post? When I experienced mental issues in the past my tendency was always to withdraw from my family. I would convince myself that by letting them know what I was experiencing, they would somehow make things worse for me. How do you think your family would react if you showed them that original post you wrote?

I haven't withdrawn from my family....completely.

My parents know of the situation entirely. However, there are something they do not know, but they know most of the advanced details as I've shared it with them. Things like the "talking to other people from within myself" they don't know. I don't see any reason to share it with them for a couple reasons. I don't know if this really happened or not, and it would worry them immensely. Since it's not endangering me or someone else (as far as I'm aware anyways) I don't believe it necessary to share

Don't take this the wrong way, but what is the reason for the adderall? I would think that would make someone with bipolar disorder with psychotic symptoms worse. Anyways glad that you're doing better.

Adderall is prescribed for ADHD symptoms, but my lack of motivation, lack of focus, lack of short-term memory, impulsiveness, defiance towards authority is far more severe than anyone with ADHD in my opinion. Most people with ADHD can't motivate themselves to do anything that requires mental activity and when they're forced to (like in school) they can't focus on it, and therefore are literally unable to do it. Dopamine (which exists in much lower quantities all over the brain) has different functions in different places.

While Dopamine is the primary excitatory neurotransmitter in the frontal lobe, it's effects are inhibitory in the cerebellum. The cerebellum is responsible for muscle movement and because the cerebellum is overexcited (by this lack of Dopamine), this causes overstimulation of the muscles which is what results in the hyperactivity seen in ADHD patients. But I'm getting of track here.

My point is, people with ADHD can't perform work that requires you to sit down and direct your focus towards it, however, they can almost always do work that is primarily stimulus-response. Such as playing video games, eating, doing anything they enjoy really. So they can usually get out of bed, and have a life. Granted their symptoms will decrease their quality of life, but they can still have one none-the-less.

I have been unable to have a life for the past couple of years. My motivation is so deficient that it takes me an hour or more to motivate myself to even get out of bed (even though I've woken up). Almost everyone I tell that to says something like "Everyone has that, deal with it, get over it." by this is something that's so severe....I'm sure no one else has the kind of dismotivation I have. To give you an example, I can't even get out of bed to do basic, required, functioning. I've actually peed in my bed before because I've had no motivation to get up and use the bathroom.

And that happens to me everyday! In fact, for that problem specifically, I have to keep a bottle next to my bed that I can pee in because otherwise - I'll wet my bed.

I'm also unable to even do activities that I enjoy! I literally sit on the floor and stare at my wall until I get the motivation to do something when I get out of bed. For three years I've been life has been like this! I can't deal with it anymore, I just can't! Thus my Adderall use.

Adderall changed my life, when I was prescribed Adderall, it gave me my life back! With Adderall I'm actually able to function to some extent. I keep my morning Adderall dose right next to my bed so when I wake up, I can take it and lay there until it kicks in and I can get out of bed. Adderall makes it so; instead of getting out of bed two or more hours after I wake up, I can get up within twenty minutes.

Adderall allows me to do things with my day. I'm actually able to do chores and homework. Hell! I'm actually able to go to school for christ sake! I can't otherwise!

But with all of that being said, Adderall does potentiate my psychotic symptoms. I experience hallucinations and slight delusions no matter what. However, Adderall makes my hallucinations slightly worse, allows me to have worse delusions and makes the possibility of paranoia a problem. I know normally this is a huge red flag and they would stop Adderall immediately if a patient exhibited these symptoms. Adderall does, also, make my mood a bit more unstable. Because of this, I experience more intense depression and anxiety on Adderall.

However, my Lamotrigine is able to stop 60% of these symptoms. Lamotrigine actually tames my hallucinations, on Adderall, to below where they would be if I wasn't on Adderall and only Lamotrigine. Lamotrigine stabilizes my mood a ton and while it can't stop severe anxiety once it's started, it can prevent.....I'd say...80% of it. I also have a huge decrease in paranoia and delusions when taking Lamotrigine and Adderall in combination upon other things.

It's incredibly odd - Lamotrigine potentates Adderall and Adderall potentates Lamotrigine. They do much better in combination than either one alone. On Adderall alone, I can actually experience an increase in symptoms (sometimes) because it can make me obsessive. Therefore, I obsess about what it ever it is and then I get nothing done and then, on top of that, I'm having bad anxiety due to the obsession. However, on Lamotrigine, it stops all of this and makes the focus inducing effects a lot stronger because it eliminates a lot of depression - therefore, I'm much more able to direct my focus into what needs to be done then what I want to do.

Oh I forgot to mention, Adderall increases my ability to function socially. Normally, people find me offensive because I get impulsively angry, have to impulsively interrupt what's going on, and I impulsively point out all the flaws of everyone around me. Upon that, I'm incredibly defiant towards authority. I will argue with people for the sake of arguing with people. About things that have no point either, just because I want to be right. While Adderall doesn't change the fact I want to be right, I won't interrupt things, I won't be rude for no reason, and I'll rarely fight with authority. Adderall can increase my impulsiveness (not really on Lamotrigine) but it amazingly decreases my social impulsiveness.

I'm able to function way better with....well....everyone! I have a way better relationship with my parents because of Adderall, I have a way better relationship with my siblings because of Adderall, and I'm actually able to make and keep friends. I still have no friends I can ask to hang out, but at least it makes it so there are people at school that I can sorta hang-out with at school.

Adderall does have it's side-effects, however, Lamotrigine decreases a lot of it and I believe for the time being, the positives are outweighing the negatives. I can either be on Adderall and have some increased psychotic symptoms but be able to function in my life, or not take Adderall and not function in life at all and still have psychotic symptoms.

I can't make heads or tails of this but something seems 'off'. You're describing the symptoms of schizophrenia to a T and you're describing life the way someone with schizophrenia would... except your executive function (at least from what I can gauge through your posts) seems fine.

For a year or a bit more I thought for sure I has Schizophrenia because I had all the emotional issues of it, but very few of the cognitive issues. However, when I meant three people with Schizophrenia when I was forced into inpatient treatment, I changed my mind. These people were.....crazy (no offense to anyone who's Schizophrenic).

I'm not crazy, at least I don't think so entirely. I'm still able to think logically and I recognize pretty well what's normal and what isn't. I've still held my grasp on reality....somehow. I don't how, but I've done it. I'll also mention that I'm one of the most logical thinkers I know. In fact, I don't think in the same way other people do.....which is one of the signs of a psychotic illness, but what I mean by this is; I think in a very different way than other people. I over analyze situations and events...to an extreme extent - which is both a curse and a gift. This allows me to think "out of the box."

For some reason, I can think on the fly in an amazing way. I can do something I've never seen someone else with. I can almost literally see things in slow motion. I can see things happen before they do...

I just realized how delusional that sounds which kind of worries me, but let me explain a bit better. This "slowing down of time" allows me to assess a situation in full depths and I can very accurately interpret how situations will turn out. I guess it's not literally seeing the future, but I can almost always predict what's going to happen because I can realize all the possibilities of the situation and determine which one is most likely to happen. And I can do this in milliseconds.

I think this is what causes a ton of my anxiety now that I think about it. Since I can see what's going to happen, I can see very early into a situation if it's going to turn out bad or not. If it is, I can see that and worry about it because I know it's going to happen.

---------------------------------------------------

On a side note, I read an incredibly interesting compilation of studies by the famous Oliver Sachs. He's literally an expert on Parkinsons Disease.

I display a lot of symptoms of Parkinson's disease. My muscles shake all the time and I can't control how shaky the get sometimes. Actually...wow.....I have nearly all the symptoms of Parkinson's Disease....

I have tremors, depression, apathy, anxiety, decreased movement, a state of indifference (a ton of the time), impulse control problems... Also, without Adderall I've always had horrible daytime daytime drowsiness. In fact it's so bad that one of my previous psychiatrists thought, for sure that I had Narcolepsy. I've had a lot of issues in REM sleep (sleep paralysis, intense vivid dreams, etc...) and awful insomnia.

Holy crap.......I also have incredibly oily skin all the time and I'm constantly sweating. My skin gets so oily, in fact, that I can taste it and it gets EVERYWHERE. I have to wear plastic gloves sometimes so my computer peripherals don't become covered in grease. I also get spouts of bad nystagmus and vertigo.

I have prominent symptoms of Psychotic symptoms—hallucinations or delusions (as said above in detail). My eyes are always dry and they get so dry sometimes that I have to close them or it gets intensely painful. I've had blurry vision forever. I have bad bowel issues, I'm either constipated all the time or have diarrhea. It alternates between weeks. But my stool is never not diarrhea or not small balls because of constipation. this gives me awful stomach pain most days that isn't fixed with antacids and is only slightly helped by H2 antagonists.

Anyways, I have 99% of them. This was an eye opener for me. I wonder a couple things now.

To explain the information about Oliver Sachs; I was going to explain it more detail, but this post already got incredibly long and I highly doubt anyone will read this anyways. But, I read an incredibly interesting phenomena in one of his most recent books about people who have Parkinson's disease and display psychotic symptoms identical to that of Schizoid diseases, but have only limited cognitive functional issues. This phenomena, he noted, is incredibly rare, but it was observed in a couple patients he treated.

Because I have nearly all the symptoms of Parkinson's disease, maybe this could be an explanation? It would explain why Adderall decreases my muscle tremors and stops my extremely bad fibromyalgia (neuropathic pain) issues. I would also explain why I get such awful restless legs and why Adderall decreases that so well.

I wonder if I should get tested for parkinsons....at least if it comes up negative, I can rule that out. This also makes me wonder if I should be on L-DOPA (I wonder if that would help better).

There can also be other dangers of Parkinsons if I remember correctly. I should probably get an MRI now that I think about it. There is obviously something going on with my brain that isn't understood.

It sounds like you've developed light schizophrenia. All I can say is get off prescribed meds completely, I know too many people who are prescribed to bullshit, including adderal and have lost touch of reality. May the God in you help your well being.

I don't think so.

I cannot function off of my prescribed meds. I have a feeling you would say "this is caused because your meds made it so you can function without them"; well no. I've had all my symptoms since I was a small child and never took any medication (except my Asthma inhaler) for years. I only started my intense medication therapy a year or two ago.

Getting off my meds isn't an option. Adderall is not the issue, even though the media loves to place the blame on it. In fact, stimulant drugs are THE MOST WELL TOLERATED DRUGS ON THE MARKET! I'm dead serious about that. Stimulants have the highest success rate of any drugs out there (with a success rate near 70%) and rarely produce such negative symptoms.

-------------------------------------

TL;DR - Acknowledging that my executive functioning isn't impaired in terms of reality control. Possible delusions of superpowers, however. Explanation of stimulant use and acknowledgment of side-effects, but positive effects that I believe to outweigh the negative. Acknowledging the possibility of psychotic Parkinson's Disease since I have so many symptoms of it.

I know the post is long and I'm really sorry about that. Please read some of it at least to better understand what's going on. I'd really love input on everything I said, but since the post is so long I bet that'll scare most people away...
 
Last edited:
Everything I read and hear tells me I have Dissociative Identity Disorder.

I've decided that I have no proof of this.

I believe my anxiety was just extremely high during the time I wrote this thread and since I'm a hypochondriac, I fooled myself into believing this because I was afraid I had it. My anxiety levels have really stabilized and I'm starting to feel normal again. It's taken almost 3 months, but I'm starting to feel like a human being once again.

Meds are a problem for me. They help so much, but they're an easy way out. They're effects only lasts moments in the grand scheme of things, and that's why I have trouble not abusing them. Fortunately, I have little to no problem abusing the amps anymore. I only take my prescribed dose, and most days I actually take less than my prescribed dose.

Ativan is for emergencies - when I have anxiety that's so overwhelming, that I can't calm myself down. Ativan terminates this immediately. I have abused Ativan before, but it's almost always in lieu of Ambien.

Ambien....I don't know to be honest. Ambien is amazing for sleep, but tolerance to it builds up too quickly. I take my prescribed dose of 10MG's for a couple weeks, then I happen to take 20MG's instead of 10. I decided that 20MG's works better than 10 so I stay at that for a couple weeks. Then I take 3 and decide that 30MG's works better 20, then 40MG's works better than 30, than 50MG's works better than 40 and so on and so fourth.
 
Do you have an appointment with a psychiatrist anytime soon? People could speculate what you have all day but it doesn't change the fact that you need professional help.

Agreed. Go see a psychiatrist or medical professional. Tell them what you wrote here. Even if it's just anxiety/panic, or PTSD you'll know what it is and your options for treatment. Good luck.
 
i would strongly recommend you stop smoking weed man, IME it induces paranoia, dissossiation, and triggers/amplifies schizophrenic symptoms....
good luck to you

I didnt think I even mentioned weed in my post. None-the less, I don't smoke weed often at all. Maybe once every 4 months or so.
 
If you have no motivation and poor short term memory, how can you bring yourself to read medical studies on Parkinson's and remember which areas of the brain is affected differently by dopamine? Just curious considering even on meds it takes you twenty minutes to get out of bed.
 
If you have no motivation and poor short term memory, how can you bring yourself to read medical studies on Parkinson's and remember which areas of the brain is affected differently by dopamine? Just curious considering even on meds it takes you twenty minutes to get out of bed.

I find there can be a big difference between physical motivation, and mental or psychological motivation - if that makes any sense.

Also, with all the stuff he's been diagnosed with, combined with his living conditions at home, he's probably most comfortable when he's alone in his room, with his electronics, content to stay there and surf the net, in the pursuit of knowledge of topics which fascinate him, such as pharmacology.

I don't think his story doesn't add up, but rather, it's protracted and complex, manifested and perpetuated from overlapping conditions, and countless traumatic experiences.

Take away the potent stimulant medication he's presently taking, and I guarantee you that the clear and concise manner in which he's been able to express his problems in writing for the past couple of months via this thread will change drastically.

SwampFox, I'm not sure whether you have been given the opportunity to try it yet, but, as someone who suffers from Panic Disorder and Social Anxiety Disorder, for over 3 years I went through a painful and frustrating process of trial and error with a plethora of different types and classes of Rx meds indicated and/or prescribed off label for PD and SAD, including:

- SSRIs, including Fluoxetine (Prozac), Sertraline (Zoloft), Paroxetine (Paxil), Citalopram (Celexa), and Escitalopram (Lexapro)
- DNRIs, specifically Bupropion (Wellbutrin)
- SNRIs, specifically Venlafaxine (Effexor XR)
- TCAs, specifically Amitriptyline (Elavil)
- SARIs, afaik only Trazodone (Desyrel)
- α2 Adrenergic Agonists, from what I remember, only Clonidine (Catapres)
- Anticonvulsants, such as Gabapentin (Neurontin), and Pregabalin (Lyrica)
- Beta Blockers, just the one: Propranolol (Inderal)
- Neuroleptics, including Risperidone (Risperdal), Olanzapine (Zyprexa), and Quetiapine (Seroquel)
- Muscle Relaxants, solely Cyclobenzaprine (Flexeril)
- Benzodiazepines, including Lorazepam (Ativan), Oxazepam (Serax), Diazepam (Valium), Flurazepam (Dalmane), Clonazepam (Klonopin), Temazepam (Restoril), and Alprazolam (Xanax).

My psychiatrist refused to even consider benzos for the first couple of years, which is why the above list of medications is so excessive.

Alas, out of all those drugs, by far, the most effective one for me was Xanax. I've been on it now for a little over 8 years, and amazingly, the therapeutic effect has not worn off, and chronic dosage escalation has not occurred.

The bad news is that, on at least two or three separate occasions, doctors have tried to switch me over to a similar dosage of another benzo. The most recent was Clonazepam. They put me on an equivalent dosage regimen, and within 48 hours I was in acute withdrawal. I'm not sure why this keeps on happening, but I have a couple of theories, which I can't prove. As a result, none of them bother anymore, and they've kept me on the Xanax. And I can sincerely say that it still helps immensely.

I gotta go unfortunately, but I wish you the best.

You and I may have had our differences in the past, and I'm truly sorry if I added to your suffering.

Take care :)
 
swampfox as i was reading your first post i got tears in my eyes.. a lot of the stuff you said brought up a lot of emotions for me. the things i have gone through are so similar its scary. Ive done a pretty good job at pushing it to the back of my mind.. but it eventually always makes its way back around to the front of my awareness.
I also
have very little memory about my childhood... up til around the age of 8 or 10 is just completely blank... and even Jr high is fuzzy.. and i also get this weird feeling when i think about it.. yet at the same time i remember having a good childhood.. aside from my dads alcoholism, the fights him and my mom would have, hearing him rape her, and watching him have seizures from the withdraws of not drinking.

the sleep paralysis is horrible. i cant remember when it started but for a few months i was having it almost every other night. i was 19 years old and once i would snap out of it and could finally move i would run down to the living room where my dad slept and sleep on the other couch. when its happening sometimes you can see the room your in clearly, one time something like a demon was in my closet with its back facing towards me, it turned its head around and looked at me, and slowly crept up to my bed, as it crawled up onto my bed i "felt" it enter my body at my feet and this crazy sensation ran up my feet til it reached my head and i swore i was being possessed. and its like you scream as loud as you can for someone to help you and its either they dont hear you or your voice doesn't come out.. im not sure which

and when you said about seeing faces everywhere..that's what really got me. i have never heard anyone else say that. i can remember seeing faces in everything since i was 11 or 12... and they too are also never happy faces.. i see them in doors, trees, sidewalks, walls, anything. to this day i see them. everywhere.

i have this screaming in my head.. its like a man screaming madly.. its almost muted.. but i will hear it when im folding laundry or washing dishes..stuff like that.. and one time i was making food and i heard a mans voice right behind my head say "you're going crazy" it was clear but again it was almost muted. i was so scared i turned the stove off and ran back upstairs. i told myself it was a ghost and that my house is haunted.

for as long as i can remember i will get the feeling something is following me. like when im going upstairs from my basement i will run frantically up the stairs as i feel it is right on my tail and about to get me. and its not just when im coming up from my basement. it happens randomly. also when i take a shower i have a hard time keeping my eyes closed when im rinsing shampoo out of my hair as i feel like something is in there with me and its this absolute feeling of dread as if i will die.

sometimes my thoughts will race and it gets very scary as if i have lost control of my mind. almost like im manic.

and i cant say it happens with food but i understand what you mean about inanimate objects having feelings. i too had a blankey and i would do the same kind of stuff. i would watch how i cuddled with it as i didn't want to hurt it and stuff like that.

at 18 i started having full blown panic attacks. i didn't even know what a panic attack was. i would make someone take me to the er cause i was convinced i was dying. i would end up getting asked questions like am i being abused and what not. i eventually learned some coping skills. like laying down, place your hand on your belly, and watch your hand move up and down with deep breaths. and i just try to remind myself that its just in my head.

im not sure if you will see this i see its been three months or so since the last post but i just couldn't believe it when i stumbled upon this and read it. i didn't realize someone out there has such similar things happening to them. i just wanted to share that i know what you are going through. i get so scared that someday i will just completely lose my mind and not be myself anymore. i don't know what is wrong with me.. but honestly its just became so normal to me that i dont even think about it lately.

hang in there! your not crazy. im not either. i tell myself sometimes that my mind is just to active for my own good. thinking about life as a whole and the universe used to throw me into full blown panic attacks, because i was dead set that the end of the world is coming, that i need to stop pollution and save earth. but im trying to slow myself down and just remind myself that i am only one person and can only do my part in this world. try to spread awareness maybe, but i am to fucked up right now to do so. its part of my motivation though to get clean, get my life together, and maybe actually contribute something good to planet earth.

if you can post an update of how you are doing. im sorry that you are going through this and i really do hope you are doing well. id love to hear from you. like i said you are very intersting to me because i experience a whole lot of what you said and never really thought of someone else going through it. ive been very stuck inside my own head i realize.
 
i would definitely talk to a professional about everything you are going through though. i have been planning on doing so myself.

sorry on my last post. i didnt realize there was multiple pages and didnt read the second.. glad to hear u did talk to someone and that u are doing a bit better. its given me some insight to myself.
 
Last edited by a moderator:
Top