TDS I'm here again

[blahman8000]

I've drank myself sick. My life is falling apart, and I've done it to myself. I don't want anyone who is listening to assume that if I've stopped posting, that I'm most certainly dead. I'm trying to keep myself busy, but I'm squeezing in every drink that I can. And I know I'm getting sick again.

So I'm reaching out. I need to do something the right way. I know where I am because I recognize the path, the physical illness, the desperation. I throw up from a sip of beer, I take it as permission to chug a bit more. I'm about to chop a line at 2:10 AM, alone, to keep up my will. I don't care if I live or die.

I'm getting sick again. I want you all to know that the will, that space between oblivion and this, no longer seems to exist. It's as if my path is set in stone. I feel like a zombie. I feel that maybe I was born in the wrong mind and body, and I ought to leave it. I'm sick. It's so easy to advise a person to get off their ass and make a change, but I can't see anything ahead but the dark. It's as if there is no difference. Nothing holds value. I do love, and I feel tremendous shame. But I arrived here the wrong way. Along the way, I've made the wrong twists and turns. I'm confused and sad all the time. I make myself sick.

I wish this were a spiritual departure that I really have come to. I wish realizing how worthless and broken I am, would finally transcend me to a different place. Does anyone else feel like they don't belong here at all? Maybe there's a way home?

I don't quite want to die, but I feel like my whole existence is diseased. I suppose it's not spiritual, but just a matter of chance. I was born this way, like an alien misplaced. I know I'm making myself sick again. Death nor life seem real. I wish there were some place else to land.

 

[Nozphexezora]

Just because you put the drink to your lips doesn't mean that you are entirely responsible. Your decisions are based on external influences - such as environment, genetic predispositions and other people. That's probably why you feel that you feel as though your entire life is under determinism. But we still have the will to choose that which influences us consciously, if that makes sense. For example, if somebody hits your car you will more than likely get mad because the environmental circumstances have influences your emotional outcomes; but you can still use previous influences, such as a memorable time from childhood or words of wisdom, to decide not to be mad. Your life is in as much control as you choose it to be.

Unfortunately I can't say that you should just go out and do whatever you wish, because the people who do go out and have fun and have their life in absolute control are those without the negative influences impeding on their lifestyles. I'm in a similar position to you, except I don't think I'm worthless.

Either way, if you want to vent or talk feel free to message me. I literally have nothing else to do either.

 

[blahman8000]

Thanks for your response. I am definitely influenced by a variety of external things, and as much as I try not to blame them, they pervade my thoughts, and I wonder if that's even justified. I wonder if I'm just a blank, confused person who is placing blame for his woes everywhere when he really does everything wrong. Isn't it just possible that I was born and/or I came to be something that just cannot adapt? Most others manage, but I fail to.

I'm sorry, as I keep on saying. I know I'm being self-piteous, but I think I've come to the point where I can say that I've failed at life. As a human being, I just can't do it. When I think about it, I'm not a very good person, and maybe am a specimen that should be ignored and devolved out of our race. Aren't I just proving my point as I whine?

I think some of us just don't belong here, or are ill-equipped. I hate to say that, because I don't want to suggest to anyone here who is upset that they're not going to make it. But I can't deny my certainty that I'm about to collapse. I just can't be normal. I can't go through a normal day without this feeling of torture. I'm sorry to be so dramatic, but maybe I'm spoiled by what my laziness has afforded me at times. Maybe I've developed this little secret place where I can hide in my head and not acknowledge life itself.

Suicide only seems worthwhile if there were a destination. Maybe that's just the next step. Maybe there was a mistake. Maybe there is something bigger than this, and some small, very small part of it is waiting for me to put an end to this so they can switch gears just a bit to put me where I ought to be. So then instead of feeling immobilized and resorting to substances all the time, I can be a real part of something and feel respected and even loved.

Maybe there is something beyond us that understands and feels that our mistakes are justified, and extends mercy and will one day provide help. As if there is no evil to be acknowledged anymore. I needed this sadness. And the shame of the sadness, and so forth. The self-hatred. I want there to be a destination, where there is an understanding. I'm a failure, but is it enough to be sorry?

 

[Nozphexezora]

Almost everybody has struggles of their own. I think with this synthetic environment and vast technological advancement it's nearly impossible to "fit in" to the modern world. Suicide may be worthwhile if it's martyrdom, but if there is nothing beyond our world then doesn't that make this real infinitely more expansive and beautiful - at least in theory?

 

[blahman8000]

That's what I mean. If there is no destination beyond suicide, it seems to serve no purpose. I don't feel that nothingness is any adjustment, for better or worse. You can't measure it. So I can only presume that life is limited, and it would be foolish to cut it short when I cannot determine what it has in store for me in the future. I only know what I've been through, and to some extent, who I am.

I know that I am a failure, and perhaps a bad result of genetics. Therefore I certainly serve no benefit to evolution, and really don't enjoy living. I am never happy, and find some consolation in drugs and alcohol. My use of alcohol has put my liver in jeopardy and I can't even get myself to work. Yet if only I could just sit down and tell my supervisor EVERYTHING. That I am not a bad person, that this is where I have arrived. I mean well, and just want to live without harming anyone or being harmed myself. I don't know how to explain why I often can't work all my hours, because I get very tired and very sick. I drink so much that when I awake, I can hardly move. These are things I do to myself. I can't seem to play my role, and most people manage. I feel like I'm practically in pain. I only want to sit by myself, drink, and do drugs. I do so in my free time, as I've said, and it's ruining my life in all aspects.

It's like I simply can't do it and all insults and condescension suit me. I feel incapable. I know that when I am sober, I am more focused and successful, but I don't want to quit any of it. Well I do, but I don't. The true decision never hits. I'm always in "Fuck it" mode, and will not allow the dangers and my future to play a role in my next decision. I bankrupt myself, make myself sick, and am risking my life. I'm watching my existence dwindle away, and I feel so indifferent to the consequences.

I want rescue. I want to land somewhere safe. I want all of this to be okay and understood, and for there to be a place I can exist, belong to, and become self-reliant. I never developed quite right. I can't claim that it is because conventional life clashes with my personal ethics and code. I just can't do it. I can't sit in an office for 8 hours. I can't live my life like this. I want to play music. But the reality is so far out of reach. I'm weak.

I can't keep my life, my sleep, my activity, to a regular schedule. I can't help being so off the charts emotionally. I can't always control myself, and sometimes want to scream. I spend all my money on drugs and alcohol. I don't even feel like I am human. I am either pitied or patronized. I don't make the cut. I'm self-destructing entirely because I shouldn't have ever been here.

 

[blahman8000]

I don't want this to be it. I feel like an accident, and I want to find home. I'm incapable of living normally, and it's because of me. Instead I'm drinking myself to death. I can't tell if I've accepted it, but I think I'm preparing for it, and am well on my way towards it. I can't contribute or be useful. I only feel unhappy. If I die soon, no one will be surprised. I don't measure up.

 

[Nozphexezora]

I thought that nobody would care if I died either, and I've tried to kill myself more than a few times. But when I was put in the ward that changed when I realised my family was actually concerned. There are always people who will care enough for you to want to stick around. I'd say I would care, but it's easy to say that over the internet anonymously. Also, you can't always be the good person. Take consolation in the fact that whatever wrong you did was only human. Even Macbeth scored that excuse when he murdered the king.

 

[blahman8000]

My family and I are disconnected. Whatever bond there was intended to be, did not sustain and certainly doesn't exist now. I do my best and show love and respect to my mother, but all moments around my family are excruciating. I'm pretty sure that's the mutual feeling of my family. My life is in ruins and might end soon, because I don't measure up. I'm weak and cannot seem to meet expectations. I didn't develop the skills. I might just be lazy and am choosing to fail, whether or not I want to. I can't do it. I have dreams and want to someday garner respect, but I consistently fail. I don't think happiness is in the cards for me. I am totally unacquainted with it.

I know that no one should ever suggest suicide (nor would I), but was I born hopeless?

 

[Nozphexezora]

I'm sure you were born hopeless; a baby trying to make it in this world? Pssh. But you've grown up and you have the privilege of being outstanding or successful; but that's no more of a physical, lifestyle result as much as a mentality. Thinking that you're worthless and bound to inevitably die isn't going to help you achieve that which you strongly desire, unless you desire worthlessness, which I highly doubt it. I know that sounds cheesy but it does help a lot. Sorry i'm not much help, here.

 

[blahman8000]

No, it's good to talk to somebody, and I appreciate it very much. I don't think I stand a chance in the world that we live in, because we have to battle with certain challenges that ought to be trivial and irrelevant. It's possible that I was given this life as a punishment, and maybe suicide will only result in worse consequences. None of us know how it all works. It's a challenge for all of us, but I know that I'm alone and I'm in the dark. And it's contagious. I'm no ray of sunshine. I try to make people laugh and often do, but I'm still followed around by this, and maybe there's no truly specifying name for it.

My goal is to offer some good, and to possibly gain respect in the meantime. I'm really all over the charts. Usually I am anyway.

 

[Nozphexezora]

No, it's good to talk to somebody, and I appreciate it very much. I don't think I stand a chance in the world that we live in, because we have to battle with certain challenges that ought to be trivial and irrelevant. It's possible that I was given this life as a punishment, and maybe suicide will only result in worse consequences. None of us know how it all works. It's a challenge for all of us, but I know that I'm alone and I'm in the dark. And it's contagious. I'm no ray of sunshine. I try to make people laugh and often do, but I'm still followed around by this, and maybe there's no truly specifying name for it.

My goal is to offer some good, and to possibly gain respect in the meantime. I'm really all over the charts. Usually I am anyway.

Have you ever considered seeing a psychologist? Or is that out of your budget range?

 

[endlessnameless]

...I feel like a zombie. I feel that maybe I was born in the wrong mind and body, and I ought to leave it. I'm sick. It's so easy to advise a person to get off their ass and make a change, but I can't see anything ahead but the dark. It's as if there is no difference. Nothing holds value. I do love, and I feel tremendous shame. But I arrived here the wrong way...I'm confused and sad all the time...

I wish this were a spiritual departure that I really have come to. I wish realizing how worthless and broken I am, would finally transcend me to a different place. Does anyone else feel like they don't belong here at all? Maybe there's a way home?

I don't quite want to die, but I feel like my whole existence is diseased. I suppose it's not spiritual, but just a matter of chance. I was born this way, like an alien misplaced. I know I'm making myself sick again. Death nor life seem real. I wish there were some place else to land.

I cant offer you much advice at the current moment, but I'd just like to say that I can relate hugely to what you're saying. I too feel like I dont belong here - that I dont belong here physically and definitely don't belong emotionally either. I'm trying my best to escape this path thats apparently set in stone for me (a path thats leading me to become everything I've ever loathed) but I cant seem to escape it. All my efforts to liberate myself from this path I'm magnetised to forever inevitably lead me back to where I was to begin with. I'm sorry I cant be of any help...other than to say I feel you friend; I can very much relate to what you're saying here. Fuck.