I'm feeling REALLY guilty!! Please help make me feel better with out flaming me!!

[painenduser]

Well as you all know, I am a recovering alcoholic and have well over 600 days sober. Also as you all know, I am on Fentynal Patches and Dilaudid. Well I was feeling very very very down tonight, somewhat well not suicidal, but rather just wishing my liver would just fail on me already as I am pretty depressed. I have been thinking alot about what it means to get a transplant, and as it stands now, they don't know yet if I need the transplant, as my tests give the Dr's mixed results. The imaging tests all show my liver is in bad shape, as is my spleen, but my blood works shows everything is normal. They tell me that only the biopsy at this point will tell them how bad things are an if I will infact need the transplant. But this is thrashing in my head. As of now, there is not prognosis good or bad, right now, I have no expiration date. However, if it turns out I need a transplant, and I do not have liver cancer, then on average, I have been reading and talking to people and I'm told on average, a person usually gains about 10 years. Meaning that having the transplant I sort of now have an expiration... I know that I will probably only live about an additional 10 years post transplant. Yes I know it is an average, which could mean that I could live 20 years, but even with that, it makes the expiration date more of a finality... So that has been haunting me. Then as you know, my living situation with a very toxic environment is not all that good. The add to that that half my family has disowned me do to my alcoholism, even though I did nothing to them personally (yes I know an alcoholic affects everyone, mostly on an emotional level as they had to watch me practically commit suicide through alcohol, and they all tried to help and I refused their help and they took this personally. Most of my really close friends, atleast those that I thought were my close friends, have not really talked to me. Noone ever calls me up to get together. I feel like I have become almost a loner. I don't think I will ever find love again with my health being that it is. I have only a very few set of friends that are sticking by my side, but I have noone I can call and say, "Hey, you guys want to go out? Do some fishing? Go to the track?, do anything?" Noone ever says yes. Noone calls me up and invites me out. I have no life anymore. I officially was told the other week that I can not go back to work for at the minimum a year from now, yet Social Security keeps denying my claims. With all this going on, and the fact that I have been in a lot of serious pain over the last week. I did something I never thought I would ever do, and though, I highly doubt I will ever do it again, not because it wasn't fun, but because I want to stay away from abusing my pain meds as I really do need them and I do not want to be a Hippocrate helping people here who are suffering from an addiction and trying to help people get through their addiction and I will help anyone and everyone out that I can. I want to teach people the right things to do, and how to stay sober...

Well I'll get right down to it.. With all that above and so much more, I was at a breaking point tonight as I really didn't want to continue fighting this unseemingly endless amount of emotional and physical pain, I plugged 2 50mcg fentynal patches... This is the first time I plugged anything and the first time I really tried to abuse my pain meds... I wasn't trying to commit suicide or anything, but I honesly did not care if it would have killed me, I just had enough and I broke down and did it..

I feel ashamed, I feel like I let everyone here down as I am a big proponent of helping people here when they are in this shape and I would tell anyone struggling here, to stop think about the choices in front of them and reach out to someone anyone where you can before they decide to do something like that, think about the potential consequences of their potential actions. Come up with something, anything to help them avoid doing something like that. I would do anything I could to make sure people think about all these things first and usually by talking before hand, it's a pretty good bet, that you can talk them out of it. But I didn't care tonight. I think part of me wished that the out come would have been different, ie me no longer walking through this hell I call my life.

I don't know. I just need some support from you guys. I don't need to be called out, or flamed over this. I know this won't interfere with my sobriety from alcohol, not because I don't want the alcohol to kill me because if my liver is as bad as they say, but more because I just hate drinking as a who;e anymore. Not one part of picking up a drink does anything for me and more and I really don't even crave the taste.. I just don't want my actions tonight to start some dumb spiral back into an addiction. I also don't want to lose the support I have gotten here, as well as I don't want to lose the trust people have in me to help them stay sober and or clean. Alot of people here have entrusted me with helping them to remain sobriety and I don't want to lose that trust because of my actions and while I could have just not said anything and gone on my merry way, honesty has a lot to do with sobriety as does trust, and I don't want to lose that with anyone here, INCLUDING myself.

So I have written this for a few reasons, 1. I needed to be open and completely honest with not only you all but more importantly with myself and to set an example of myself for others who may find themselves fighting these heavy internal turmoils, unrest, and or unbalance. 2. I need some support from you guys right now as I am going through all these thoughts as of late about life and death, my prognosis, and the finality of my life. With so little support from those who I would think I should be getting it from, such as family, and friends. I need to learn better coping skill when it comes to my own life. 3. I need to start identifying my trigger points.. Not the trigger points that make me want to do stupid things or perhaps even relapse, but trigger points that send me over the edge to where I don't care about my life anymore, I stop caring if I will wake up, I stop caring if I continue do due things that could cause me to lose what little support system I have.

You know, I don't really know if this post really makes any sense, it's something, well a bunch of somethings I needed to get off my chest and out of my mind. I sometimes get this feeling like I am going to self destruct. I mean there is only some much a person can take before they crack and stop believing in themselves and I don't want to do that. Most of the time, I think that I am a great person, and wonderful friend to those in my life, and wonderful potential friend to those I have yet to meet. I think I have a lot to offer this world and the people in it, but then I start thinking like this and I start feeling like all those domino pieces that are standing tall and strong are starting to one by one, tip,,,tip,,,tip and then they will keep falling until the last one drops.

I don't know what I am really asking for here from anyone makes sense or if its even possible, but I am hoping, that it's out there. I am tired of feeling like this and then taking dumb chances, then after I take that dumb chance at the same time, I am tired of life itself and just want out while at the same time I love like, and oh hell guys, I dunno. I am just going to leave this thread as is. Maybe this will make sense to some of you. Maybe you guys and gals will know what I am asking and what I need. I don't want to die, at the same time I really don't want to be here anymore.

Well please don't think less of me for what I did and I hope that people will still trust me and confide in me to help them when they come to me for help as I am coming to you all now. I am just in my down / low spot in life and like I said I am not proud of what I did and I am probably making a mountain out of a mole hill, but this is very important to me.

So thank you all for taking the time to read this and respond, I appreciate all you have to offer and the advise you have to give. Even if you don't think you response would be of any use, all replies are important to me, and will mean alot to me, and you never know, what you may have thought would not make any difference? It just may be that reply that makes all the pieces of the puzzle come together for me. So please don't hesitate to reply, I can't thank you enough for taking the time to read this.

Thanks!

Pain

 

[polymath]

If I understood correctly, you're feeling guilty now because you took more fentanyl than youre prescribed... You're probably clinically depressed if you feel guilt over such minor things. The only worry I see is that you run out of your fent patches before refill and end up in WD.

 

[Miss Kirsty]

Ohhh pain, im sorry you feel that way...Dont beat yourself up over the patches hun...Not worth it and there are far bigger issues here, a fent patch aint it is it?...You are upset because you were tempting fate i think...you were sort of saying "here i am, ill do this and if you want me, come and get me"....You were tempting fate to come and take you...Teasing the reaper and playing with your life...You felt careless and i think thats whats upset you the most...Maybe you thought you valued your life more and your shocked at yourself?...

C,mon pain...you are a special special person and youve helped me out on more than one occasion at least...Your pain hun, is your burden to bare in this life...Its a fucken rotter too!...Pain is one of the worst emotions to endure day in and day out...It breaks you...You my friend are just too strong to be broken, or you would have crumbled way before now...You must carry on Pain and carry on helping others live with similar or worse ailments..

Im sorry you are felling so low today/tonight Pain...a great big cyber hug to you!!!

 

[Groundhog]

Hey, give yourself a break, don't beat yourself up
I don't know you but I feel you, no one here is going to flame you, think any less of you or not trust you any less because you're having a bad time.

I'm quite new here but I know TDS well enough now to know that this isn't a place where people judge or put you down because you are struggling or might be slipping up. Thats not what TDS is about. Love, care, help and support is what it's about and it's a special place full of special, kind people. That's what I see it as anyway and that is what I have found it to be.

Don't feel bad because you have helped others recover and now you think you'll lose trust because you are having a struggle with it yourself. I'm heavily addicted to shit that I'm telling others not to do, and at times see myself as being hypocritical as I'm doing what I'm advising others not to do, but it's because I know what the shit is doing to me that I don't want happening to others.

I know you already will know this...
Recovery is a constant way of life, it's something that requires daily dedication and addicts can slip up any time, regardless of how long they may have abstained, it's always going to be with you, it's a daily choice and strength to overcome it and you need somewhere or someone for support when you are starting to feel weak.

Don't feel guilty or ashamed, let it all out man!

 

[painenduser]

If I understood correctly, you're feeling guilty now because you took more fentanyl than youre prescribed... You're probably clinically depressed if you feel guilt over such minor things. The only worry I see is that you run out of your fent patches before refill and end up in WD.

No, I am feeling guilty because I have not abused my pain meds before nor had I planned on it for the and I have been on them for 2 years even though I am a recovering alcoholic. I could care less about using them and worrying about going through WD's. I have plenty of patches. As well as dilaudid even if I did burn i The others who have written after you for the most part all get my concern. They know me a bit better then you. No offense, but they are on the right track as to why I feel guilty about it. It's all about my actions spoke louder then my words and that does not sit easy with me.

 

[Paulymorphone]

I hate fent patches, they always come off after 1 or 2 days and cant be stuck back on. Also be careful if u abuse them, i had a roommate who sucked all the fentanyl out of a patch, and the next morning he was in critical condition and his breathing was all messed up. He had several bilateral strokes, and spent almost a month in the critical care unit. The only benefit was he lost 30 pounds since he was only receiving IV nutrition lol. Gawd i would hate to see that hospital bill

 

[herbavore]

1) No one here will think less of you for doing what you did

2) Feeling like you let anyone else down is simply piling guilt on guilt---don't go there

3) You now know how desperate you feel.

So now you can focus on finding even more ways to deal with your fears and isolation and all the other issues that have you feeling so beat. you've done an amazing job with all you have been through. I've been meaning to ask you if your local hospital offers any support groups for people in pain? Often hospitals have more low cost support programs than people know about. I think that if you could get into a group where you could talk about your situation (which is tough, so give yourself a break!)
it would really do you a world of good. You are a very social person and it would be so helpful to you if you had something like this to look forward to every week. Hang in there, pain, and don't be hard on yourself.

 

[killers]

Wow...I came across this thread read it. And truly thought to myself....i appreciate honesty. And it seems to me your upset about what you did....but your more upset about the people who convide in you getting upset. And i can relate...but you could of done worse things....and i don't think what you did was awfully bad...not saying its ok. But I guess its good that you feel this guilty afterwards, hopefully you can look back on this thread if the moment ever arises again and see how many people responded, and cared about you.
Good luck to you pain. look forward to seeing your advice and posts more often:D

 

[painenduser]

Thanks everyone! Herb, I have looked into this in the past and sadly they don't. All they offer are clinics, all medical and no mental health type clinics, but you are right that would help me. I have often told my Dr's that I would probably do very well in bio-feedback type sessions, but because of lack of insurance no one offers that. Paulymorphone, I am very well aware of the dangers of Fent patches. Unfortunately for me, I have a very high tolerance to pain meds. I do not have any unrealistic optimism or some false sense of security towards them, I just have been on them for over 2 years and at times while in the hospital on very high doses of dilaudid IV (4-8MG every 3 hours). So sadly my tolerance is through the rough, which makes life with pain that much difficult as not much actually helps me.

Miss Kristy, thanks a bunch, I am glad that I have helped you in the past, and I am glad that my actions have not made you think less of me. Just seeing what you wrote meant alot to me and really helped me over the slump I was in. I have to keep in mind that I am only human, and an addict. While it's not OK to do what I did, it was a mistake, it was a low point and I am no different then anyone else. I am not immune to slip ups. It does not make me a bad person, it just shows me that I am just as vulnerable as the next person, yet at the same time, I am still a good person with a lot to offer. That is exactly what I have to remember, and you helped me remember, so, THANK YOU!

Killers, This is what this forum is all about. The honesty of everyone in this forum is what makes it one of the best forums. It just shows that no one is above anyone else. We may all be here for different reasons, but underneath the hood we all suffer from similar problems. As I have always said, and this thread pretty much proves it, if one person is helped from what I post, then the post was worth it for me to write. You were able to connect with me on this thread, and it made you stop and think. This is what it's all about. I never regret posting anything here for just this reason.

Thanks again all. I felt better after reading through this. I am so glad to know yall feel that way about me and that mistakes happen, it's not the end of the world. Love you guys! Thanks so much!!!! I will be back to my normal self (like there's any normal in me lolol) shortly. Right now I am dealing with my step dad being a real ass to me as usual and trying to start shit with me for no freaking reason what so ever. God I hate that man sometimes... more times then not!

 

[Alex000]

May I add that regret is quite pointless, that guilt is quite pointless. The past cannot be changed, and so one should not ruminate and worry over what one has done. That is just a personal philosophy of mine. Also, think on the better side, you did not drink, and in desperation you attempted to help relieve some of your pain with drugs prescribed to you. I cannot imagine the pain of a chronic pain patient, or more, the emotional pain on top of such physical pain. It must be unbearbable. I am guessing you felt you could not bear it, so you did what seemed the right thing to do. It is done now. Staying stuck with negative emotions involving the past will hinder you in moving forward. Try not to ruminate about this, and let it go if possible. That is what is best, I think.

-Alex

 

[piebald]

hey i relapsed after a year and i talked about it here and it helped so much! im almost glad i relapsed because i became a bit to 'laissez fair' aboutmy sobriety..it was an experience that i feel in some way was critical and ultimately positive in terms of my understanding and managing my addiction/recovery. I felt horribly guilty too...horrible. but after getting some support and advice here i realized that TONS of us go through this stuff. the fact that you admitted your slip up and wanted some feedback says so much more about your character than the fact that you made a mistake.

 

[painenduser]

Try not to ruminate about this, and let it go if possible. That is what is best, I think.

Hey bro, hows it goin?? Nahhh, I'm not ruminating about it, infact, I was pretty much over it after I posted this. The whole point of this post was that I had to post it to get it out of my system. I needed this post so that I could openly admit that I let myself down and that I had done something I wanted so much not to, but since it had been done, this was my way of telling on myself so that I would have a way to remind myself of how awful I felt afterwards. It was my way of keeping myself on the straight and narrow. Does this make sense? It was just something I needed to do to keep myself honest.

Piebald, right on man. That's exactly what this post was all about for me. As I said to Alex, this was a way for me to remember how I felt after I did it. It is so easy for us as addicts to forget the times we messed up, the pain we were in, and the struggles we went through. The brain and body have a natural defense to forget pain. It's completely natural. It's just like when we hurt ourselves physically, like breaking a bone or spraining an ankle. You never quite remember how bad it felt when it happened. While we remember it hurt and hurt bad, we don't tend to remember just how much pain we were in. All the endorphin's kick in and the brain just forgets the pain. With out this post, I would easily have forgotten the pain and then it would be so easy to just go and do it again because I could just say to myself,,,, eh it wasn't so bad, it didn't hurt that much to do it, then I just read the post and remember just how tormented my head was that day and it all comes back and reminds me why I shouldn't do it again. It's good for us to remember the pain. It helps us make the right decisions in the future. Well for me anyway.

 

[Miss Kirsty]

Ohhh Pain....That is just one of the best things i have read in a long time..ALl i did mate, was toss back at ya the very same thing you do for everyone else here..TLC..You are so right Pain...You are human!!!You are not immune to slip ups!!!.I really believe you need to be a little more forgiving of yourself...and i know its easy to sit here and sprout on at everyone else because im perfect!!!lol...actually ROFLOL!! But you need to give yourself some TLC my friend..You have a beautiful soul and heart...share it with the world!!...Thank you and pain, you just bought a tear to my eye...