Recovery I'm completely done

[Stringer_Bell]

So after a four day binge on Oxy, Coke and Xanax I'm done with drugs. I can't tell you how bad I feel. I don't know if it's withdrawals from the Oxy, the coke comedown or something else but I feel like I'm being tortured, it's that bad.

I've been here before and sworn I'll never use again and each time the same thing happens. I recover, then after a couple of weeks forget how bad I felt and tell myself I can use again but will use less so that I get the good effects without feeling suicidal afterwards. I now know that's impossible.

I'm only visiting Sober Living on this forum from now and am going to post here as a journal to keep track of my progress. I'm living out of my home country and don't speak the language here so it's going to be very hard to find support here but I might try to find some therapists who do Skype sessions. I don't know if there is any other kind of online support you guys could recommend (other than this forum of course)?

I really hope that if I break my promise and do relapse again then I die in the process. I never, ever want to go through this again, it's unbearable. I have to work tomorrow and am panicking at the thought of it.

I was in such good shape before this binge, running every day and super fit, now I'm finding it hard to walk short distances. I'm disgusted by what I have done to myself.

 

[Jabberwocky]

Glad to have you Stringer. There really is no substitute for IRL personal support, IRL meaning like you can reach out and touch them need be. Perhaps you could hire a language tutor and try to learn the local dialect? That would actually give you something really productive to do, although you’d still want to explore other options. A lot of early recovery has to do with managing time wisely.

The good news is that your recent binge was only a few days. What was the progress you’d made like before that? All the progress you made prior to your binge doesn’t just up and disappear, although it may get covered up a little by the consequences of the binge.

Keep you head up. Perhaps try to start by pealing back layers of bullshir that have piled up prior to or as a consequence of the recent binge. By this I mean get back to basics, focusing on putting your energy into creating a healthy routine for yourself. Whatever you do past that right now isn’t super important, as you can get to other aspects down the road if that is what is appropriate for you.

It’s all about figuring out what is gonna work for you

 

[Stringer_Bell]

Glad to have you Stringer. There really is no substitute for IRL personal support, IRL meaning like you can reach out and touch them need be. Perhaps you could hire a language tutor and try to learn the local dialect? That would actually give you something really productive to do, although you?d still want to explore other options. A lot of early recovery has to do with managing time wisely.

The good news is that your recent binge was only a few days. What was the progress you?d made like before that? All the progress you made prior to your binge doesn?t just up and disappear, although it may get covered up a little by the consequences of the binge.

Keep you head up. Perhaps try to start by pealing back layers of bullshir that have piled up prior to or as a consequence of the recent binge. By this I mean get back to basics, focusing on putting your energy into creating a healthy routine for yourself. Whatever you do past that right now isn?t super important, as you can get to other aspects down the road if that is what is appropriate for you.

It?s all about figuring out what is gonna work for you

Thank you. It would take years to learn the language to the point where I could have any meaningful IRL help so for now I'm going to have to find some online support. There must be therapists who do Skype sessions.

I had an excellent therapist for addiction in London (I found it much better than NA which I went to about a dozen times) and made progress with her. The problem is that as soon as I recovered and felt good again the determination not to use fell away and I have always gone back. So I don't know if I have made any progress. But this time the after effects of the binge have been catastrophic and at least it's the wake up call I need to see that I can never do this again. It will either kill me or I will kill myself because of how unbearable the anxiety/depression is afterwards.

I'm absolutely determined never to touch drugs again, it's not that I'm against them for others, it's jut that they put me into an awful, awful state. I think I use them as a release or as something to look forward to but I should be replacing the anticipation of all the 'fun' with a dread of what will follow the mediocre high I get.

Unfortunately the anxiety is so terrible I'm having to use 1mg of clonazepam a day just to not jump out of a window (it's prescribed). I hate doing even this but without it I don't think I would cope. I feel physically a bit stronger so from tomorrow I will go back to running and hopefully can then stop the clonazepam.

Thank you for your support.

 

[simco]

Stringer, what you're describing is very common...very frustrating, but very common too.

As to your questions about remote offerings of help, AA/NA do online meetings, as does SMART Recovery. I know you said NA wasn't as helpful as working with your therapist, but personally I find that taking all the help I can get (especially when I'm feeling in really dire straits) is often best.

I'm curious about your urge to get off the clonazepam. If it's Rx'ed to you, I assume your doctor believes that your anxiety is a serious issue. Unless there's a really compelling reason to quit the klonopin, maybe its anxiolytic effects would be worth capitalizing on as you're going through this? Of course this is up to you...but benzos get a really bad rap that is only partially deserved. While it's true that benzo addiction is awful, many people take benzos for years without addiction creeping up on them. And for many of those folks, they are a real godsend. But again, it goes without saying that staying on or quitting benzos is your decision.

 

[Stringer_Bell]

Stringer, what you're describing is very common...very frustrating, but very common too.

As to your questions about remote offerings of help, AA/NA do online meetings, as does SMART Recovery. I know you said NA wasn't as helpful as working with your therapist, but personally I find that taking all the help I can get (especially when I'm feeling in really dire straits) is often best.

I'm curious about your urge to get off the clonazepam. If it's Rx'ed to you, I assume your doctor believes that your anxiety is a serious issue. Unless there's a really compelling reason to quit the klonopin, maybe its anxiolytic effects would be worth capitalizing on as you're going through this? Of course this is up to you...but benzos get a really bad rap that is only partially deserved. While it's true that benzo addiction is awful, many people take benzos for years without addiction creeping up on them. And for many of those folks, they are a real godsend. But again, it goes without saying that staying on or quitting benzos is your decision.

Simco thank you for your reply. I never cease to be amazed by how kind this community is.

I woke up again with severe anxiety but I have physically recovered so went for a run and that helped a lot so no clonazepam today. But you're absolutely right - I have taken benzos now for 7 years regularly and never increased the dose or abused them (well except when I was abusing other drugs). They have been pretty benign to me and a lifesaver. I suppose I don't want to be physically dependent on them because I have heard horror stories of withdrawal. But then why should I ever have to go through that? My dose is quite low, normally 1mg a day and typically I take Clonazepam (or Xanax) 3x a week. After this terrible experience I have been taking it every day save for today but I'm only half way through.

You know, I WISH I was the sort of person who could take drugs and be resilient to them. So long I've envied people that can party and not suffer crippling/suicidal depression and anxiety afterwards. I think I envied them so much that I have never stopped trying to be that person, i.e. one that can take drugs and not suffer. But I am admitting now, once and for all, that I can't. It's like someone allergic to peanuts insisting on eating peanuts every so often to prove he can. It's ridiculous. Actually the only drug that doesn't mess me up completely is benzos. These opiate and coke binges, I can't even describe how I feel afterwards, it's so horrible. But after a couple of weeks I forget, then go through euphoric recall, planned relapse, etc.

Maybe, just maybe after a year of being clean I may roll once a year or something, I don't know. But maybe even that's stupid.

I am very happy I found that my former counsellor will offer Skype sessions so I'm going to have those once a week. She was fantastic, the sessions were structured, logical and made sense. But after a few weeks I WANTED to relapse so I started lying to her. Therein lies the rub doesn't it? How can the person talking to you help you if you're lying to them? And you're lying to them because at that point you WANT to relapse and don't want anything to interfere. Well, time to break that pattern. I've been journalling how horrific the last few days were and I'm going to read it once every fortnight to remind myself of how I can never go there again. Honestly depression is one thing, but every second in your skin feeling like hours of torture is another. Not something I will ever subject myself to.

Fortunately I feel better today, not great, still down and anxious but tolerable. Really big thank you to you.

 

[Jabberwocky]

A big part of recovery is learning to be okay with opening up with people when there is a slip or something. It can be really hard sometimes, but that kind of willingness for transparency (I mean, be careful who you tell, but someone like a therapist or counselor should be safe) is a mark of progress in recovery. Glad to hear you were able to set something up via Skype though!

 

[Stringer_Bell]

A big part of recovery is learning to be okay with opening up with people when there is a slip or something. It can be really hard sometimes, but that kind of willingness for transparency (I mean, be careful who you tell, but someone like a therapist or counselor should be safe) is a mark of progress in recovery. Glad to hear you were able to set something up via Skype though!

Thanks toothpastedog.

Yes, absolutely, I think if there is a slip then I'd definitely want to open up.

I don't think I can survive another binge though. It's crazy, I literally have no memory of about 3 days of it but seemed to get a lot done. There's stuff I realised today I had to do but thought I'd forgotten to do it but I've found e-mails showing that I had done it (including filing a f**king tax return, unbelievably) even though I don't recall having done so at all. It would almost be funny if it weren't how absolutely terrible I felt afterwards.

 

[Jabberwocky]

Blackouts are scary shit indeed. Glad to hear you came out of it without any serious lasting damage to your health st least. Definitely the kind of experience to take and use to learn and grow from if you can. Keep you head up Stringer.

 

[jdfisse]

Stringer, depending on what country you are in there is a decent chance that there are NA or AA meetings in English. You may have more ex-pats around you than you are aware of. Thailand for example has some very large english speaking meetings. 12 steps may not be your path, but it is a decent place to go to find some english speakers that may understand your struggle.

 

[Jabberwocky]

That is a good idea!

 

[Stringer_Bell]

That is a good idea!

Thank you. It is a good idea and would be very true in some places (like Thailand) but not where I am.

Struggling badly today, not in the sense of having any desire to use anything, just depression has hit me quite badly, together with anxiety. I guess my neurotransmitter levels are still screwed up from the binge and will need some time to level out. Am exercising every day, eating well, taking supplements, abstaining from all drugs and alcohol (save for occasional prescribed benzo for anxiety) etc so not sure what more I can do.

Thanks for the support guys.

 

[Siriuxx]

"I really hope that if I break my promise and do relapse again then I die in the process."


DONT EVER THINK THAT! This is coming from someone who at his rock bottom, stuck a loaded gun in his mouth and pulled the trigger to encounter my first ever misfire with that gun. I took that as a sign, and keep that bullet very close to me every day as a constant reminder of how bad things were, and how I never want to revisit that. Look to the future, it gets better. I know that everyone says its so easy to say that, but it really does. I can tell you that when I was using, I NEVER imagined I would be where I am now. My life has improved a thousand times since I made that decision.

Take it one day at a time, but set goals for the future.
Think of how bad it is, and how much worse it can get. Because it can always get worse
Never give up. If you relapse.. so what, you made a mistake. Just acknowledge that mistake and move forward. Baby steps my friend.
Suicide may seem to be the best way out, but when you think about that do this. Look at people, see the happiness others have. KNOW that you can and WILL achieve that same happiness if you just push forward. And think to yourself, do you want to stop yourself from having a better life? Do you want to hang it up because you feel you might not get to the life you are entitled to? It wont be easy, hell it takes a lot of strength. But you deserve a better life, and YOU CAN give yourself that life with work and discipline. Keep your head up and take it from me, the grass is so much greener on the other side.

 

[Stringer_Bell]

Well I thought I would update this journal. First of all - a million thanks for the replies. You're all wonderful. Siriuxx sorry I didn't reply to you, I started feeling better and just kind of moved away altogether from everything to do with drugs.

The good news - still haven't used opioids in over two months now. I got really into running and train pretty seriously now. It's been my new addiction. I've also been having weekly Skype therapy with a great therapist and that has been really good.

As I think I said I live in a foreign country with no access to drugs. So it's easy not to use when there. But I had to come home to England for Xmas and the final week before doing so the cravings got incredibly intense, to the point where I came very close to procuring drugs, to have when I got home. But I didn't.

I do however have a good stash of prescription dexamp and benzos of a few types in the house (in the UK). My typical pattern when coming home would be to get some coke and Oxy and go on a week long binge. Then end up in a terrible, terrible way. I didn't do that this time. But I did end up going on a bit of a benzo binge (I've never got any recreational value from benzos, they just help me sleep or relax if I'm super anxious, and I've never been physically dependent.) I can honestly say that mid-binge if I could have got hold of any Oxy I would have done in a second. Instead I did something I haven't done in a year and popped about 10mg of DexAmp (it could have been 20mg, I don't remember). Still a fairly low dose. I've gone on DexAmp binges before, consuming hundreds of mgs over a few days, that left me feeling worse than after coke binges (or as bad at least).

Now I'm coming down of the DexAmp and have taken a couple of Xanax. It's taken the edge off the comedown depression. But right not I would absolutely love to have some Oxy, just to feel GOOD, rather than less bad.

I suppose this happened because I'm so used to coming home to the UK and just immediately binging on drugs, I get excited about it days before my flight. This time I sort of did the same thing but with drugs that don't do a lot for me, but also hopefully I won't feel TOO bad tomorrow and I have no intention of taking anything at all.

But yeah I guess I associate coming home so much with the excitement of drugs that I felt this massive void and there were no drugs waiting for me (not fun ones anyway).

I'm still hopelessly mentally addicted to Oxy but am hoping that will fade in time. It scares me that I would have relapsed today if there had been any way I could have gotten hold of Oxy. I don't know how anybody, anywhere could compare opiates to benzos or find them to be similarly addictive (unless that person suffers from bad anxiety).

Right now I feel a bit disappointed in myself for the mini benzo binge, for taking some DexAmp and for trying to get hold of Oxy (and failing). I also feel a bit of a void that I would like to fill with Oxy. I'm home, alone for a few weeks. In this other country I had a pretty good routine. Hopefully I'll find one here.

Anyway this is probably one of the most boring entries in Bluelight and it would be a miracle if anybody reads this but it helped me a bit to write it so thank you all!

 

[rainyday107]

Hey Stringer, I’ve been reading along and you’re not boring one bit! Sending positivity your way and keep updating us, ok? How are you today?

 

[cj]

Slip ups happen. Keep in mind your succees and try to learn from your mistakes. This is a marathon not a Sprint. One day at a time is cliche but true. Sometimes I take it 1 hour at a time