Marauder
Bluelighter
I have been afflicted with depression and generalized anxiety (noisy and sometimes convincing internal dialogue) all my life. Indeed, my research, work, long term goals and even hobbies are all centered or somehow contribute to my need to "fix my life" and do the same for others. Without even getting into anxiety and schizophrenia, depression is VERY serious and devastates every aspect of your life.
I do an extensive amount of research into any chemical (supps, illicit, OTC, Rx, RC) I ingest, in particular to the pharmacology (mechanism of action) and pharmacology of metabolites. I basically try every drug, learn how it makes me feel and pick out which ones really make me feel what I think is normal. No anxiety/depression, perhaps even beyond the healthy sober brain's capacity.
Deflecting for a sec, I began to realize that people with a healthy brain look at you and your life and your opinions through the lens of somebody with a healthy brain. When I'm tripping, I find it hard to remember that not everybody is tripping with me. I interact with them as human beings who share a brain like I do, and are able to "see" and experience what I am experiencing at this moment, if only I can point it out to them.
and this doesn't just relate to drugs. The sober mind has the same bias. So advice from people who aren't really suffering from depression or who've "had" depression and have "gotten over it" on their own is bullshit.
(off-topic link: http://insightsynthesis.com/43/you-should-probably-take-psychiatric-drugs/ )
What I am about to say is something that took a good 5+ years to realize
I noticed that I would take meds (psychiatric, under supervision of a doctor) and feel like shit for a few weeks. Then notice the bad effects are gone and I feel normal/good. A few weeks later I don't necessarily feel any better or any different, but I begin to notice that I have been postponing some important things. Little things. I begin to work on them. A few weeks after that, I begin to remember the goals and work I was engaged in the past. I wonder why I stopped doing that and slowly get back into the groove. So now a few months pass, and every day I've been waking up, taking a pill, and going about my day. NEVER do I associate my renewed interest in activities and my recharged zest as being drug-induced.
In fact, I still have a hard time believing it. Anyway, so I've been on the meds for a few months. I'm doing good in life. I decide I no longer need the meds (or I'm forced to get off them.) I do fine after the withdrawals. But 2 months later I realize that I haven't been doing shit. Usually I chain smoke weed/cigs and listen to music or pace my room. I do socialize and go out a lot, but deep down I don't feel a desire to. I prefer alone time and may (very unlikely) be able to hold down a job.
My logic and intellect changes.. perhaps degrades. I begin to believe that I earned this lifestyle by making a lot of money the year before, having enough money to support myself doing this for the next year (or beyond.) I don't do shit, but I also justify it, and I don't necessarily appear abnormal to anyone else.
Things slowly go downhill of course. One day I wake up overwhelmed with things I've put off and I suddenly realize that I should probably try the meds again. This scenario kept happening to me but I was never able to associate the meds with my quality of life and my logic/opinions. The way I THINK changes drastically. I can't begin to describe this yet, but it's like the cognitive and emotional changes you have on methylone or MDMA (or shrooms.) Your logic (prefrontal cortex) becomes tied to emotion (amygdala) when you're depressed, but your mood is chronically low, so you only focus on negatives. Here's an example:
Your job is to build a pagoda using bricks - basically a tower of bricks. A healthy brain would see the big picture, the first and succeeding steps, and go about building it. A depressed brain will see that building each part of the pagoda is A LOT of work. This one step becomes the big picture. Your worldview/attention/thoughts/memories/opinions are all centered around this one step. Then you realize that this is only one out of hundreds of the same mundane/repetitive step. You feel overwhelmed and cannot do the work.
Anyway, I began to see the pattern of how the meds changed my thinking/attention/worldview only when I saw my friends take meds. They would "try" samples or go to a shrink. They would take meds, realize that they've had epiphanies and have now fixed their lives, never of course attributing these insights to the chemicals they're taking (because the effects are subtle and build up over months.) They get off the meds and go down the shitter again, attributing that too, to newer insights or facts.
Back to me. I have been on Effexor (taking generic Venlafaxine) for the past 3-4 months. I started at 37.5mg once a day. Then jumped to 150 XR the next month. The 37.5mg didn't do anything but everyday for the first week I felt very manic on the 150 XR. I loved it. It felt like methylone at 10-20% with adderall. Your doc would never let you do this and it's dangerous, you should raise dose gradually.
Mania felt great but after a few days I realized why mania is considered a serious psychiatric problem. You burn yourself out, too optimistic and euphoric to actually take any productive step in life. I personally don't conduct business or anything boring when I'm rolling or having a blast on most drugs. Mania Lite might be recreational.
My mania consisted of my tobacco intake increasing drastically; I went from 2 cigs a day to 4 to 8 to 16. I spent my money lavishly with no regard for the future, because I was hopeful and very optimistic, and was unable to see myself able to fail (in life, in business, in love, etc.) I felt like a fucking beast! Business ideas, epiphanies, I spoke loud and proud, and I barely remember any of it.
The mania subsided slowly and for the next month I didn't feel much of anything. Little did I know, little things in my life were changing. Tiny things. They manifested themselves subtly, almost naturally. For example, I would pick up and eat an apple once in awhile. I decided against spending money on useless things, sometimes. I attempted (and failed) to fix my sleep schedule. I put the weights out in plain sight to use (didn't use them.) I began watching my weight, and eating more to gain it back. These could have been me naturally maturing or having a good month, but knowing me (or the depressed me) well, and in hindsight, looking at my psychiatric drug pattern, this was unlikely.
Fast forward more weeks. I'm not sure what happened recently, but suddenly I begin to notice that I walk by my dishes, pick them up and do them. I realize that doing the dishes right after you eat only takes a small amount of time and prevents a pile up. It removes the task from my mental RAM. Little things like this begin happening in every aspect of my life, including how I feel mentally and emotionally.
I begin to feel good, but realize that I have an irritating slight anxiety constantly following me. The tobacco helps curb it but isn't a good habit. I ask the doc for Gabapentin and have been on it for 2 months. 1200mg 3x day. It is seriously one of the best drugs I have ever taken, especially when you take it medicinally and let it build up. It destroys anxiety.. and that's it. No euphoria (except the natural one you have when completely anxiety-free), no impairment.
I also upped Effexor to 150mg XR twice a day. It didn't last the entire day for me and I began to feel shitty by 8 hours.. the drug's half life. XR twice a day is not common.
My friend would say, eat fruit, wake up early, work out, these things will fix your depression. I reply "if I was able to wake up early and work out, I wouldn't be depressed. You see the illness?"
I had one friend who attempted suicide. He was hospitalized and began taking meds. Fast forward 2 years and he's acing college. 3rd year getting 100s on his calc III and ASM exams, no absences or relapse. He tells me, you know Marauder.. Fruit in the morning gives me a lot of energy, and I realized that staying on campus helps me focus on studying. That's the trick to fixing depression. He doesn't attribute what he's saying and thinking and doing to the psychiatric medication at all. It's strange but makes sense considering the statue of limitations for cause-and-effect is too low to give the meds credit for anything positive.
I say that I eat an apple once in awhile, or that it's easier to pick up the vacuum and clean up, but these tasks are nothing. It's what's going on in my head, in how I think, that I want you to understand. I can't explain it without sounding abstract or new-agey. Perhaps it feels like you're taking 1/4th a tab of acid daily, or you're using 2c-i sublingually at 8mg every morning. I feel as though my worldview is far greater than it is when I'm depressed. As though I can absorb myself and enjoy the small things, but at the same time keep the bigger picture in mind. Being mindful and meditating is much easier when my brain is healthy.
I also feel I don't "need" drugs (not that I ever did,) and have heroin/coke/lsd/RCs etc available to me. I take drugs recreationally because they're introspective and mystical, they help me figure things out, some are a novelty, some are fun, and some is pure research. More on recs below, but here's my point. When somebody with a healthy brain looks at a junkie and says, "I don't need drugs to be happy why do you?! all you have to do is fix your sleep schedule, go play tennis, the drugs are bad in the long run, there's a crash etc." This is because a healthy brain is naturally euphoric and finds joy in things. They see the bigger picture (a high -> a crash -> not worth it for instance) and focus more on the long run, which includes taking care of your body. So you cannot speak through this "healthy" lens when giving advice to somebody with an unhealthy brain, unless your advice includes someway of shaping the person's brain into yours (chemically or otherwise.)
Chemicals play a BIG part in WHAT you think and HOW you think. I've been thinking of this for awhile and it's somewhat creepy to me, how different my thinking can be depending on what I'm on, especially the pharmaceuticals.
Depression vs no depression is like black vs white. The depressed life is dull, lacks vibrance and color, feels gloomy and lonely, and in hindsight it actually does feel "cold." I can see exactly what Peter Kramer was taking about in his book "Listening to Prozac" - where he states that his depressed patients were boring, monotone and lacked spontaneity and wit:
Here's the quote:
The above is very accurate in my own experience and that of people I know. In Against Depression, Kramer talks about a lady who, when cured of depression, gets angry at the doc for "compromising" with the depressed her. She felt like the "real" her is now "back", and couldn't fathom that nobody noticed how far away from her healthy personality the depressed non-prozac her had gone. (not in a crazy way.)
I feel as though I'm back! The me that loves to write/read/etc is back. I'm dusting off old hobbies and have began slowly "fixing" my life. Undoing years of bad habits and getting up to speed on what I missed in the world. I love my regimen, minus dry mouth and the fact that I can't roll on the SNRI.
Recreational drugs feel amazing on my meds. I began to remember why I love weed. It barely impaired my healthy-brained-self, but it was sometimes boring and a distraction to the depressed-brained-me. Coffee felt like an actual stimulant, whereas when depressed, it just put me to sleep after making me severely anxious. Tripping consisted of a lighter trip (needed 25mg to reach 15mg 2c-i dose for example) that had less visuals, but felt far more relaxed with a billion more epiphanies. My brain was able to keep up with the speed at which psychedelics feel they make my imagination flow at. The epiphanies and ideas were more concrete, more realistic, and actually lasted into the long term rather than vanishing as soon as the drug wore off and you woke up the next day.
(NEVER mix drugs if you don't know what you're doing, especially when taking anti-depressants. Some combos can kill you or cause permanent and severe neurological damage)
It's important to remember that the above is a small summary of things that happened when I got on the meds. Some of the stuff is because I really am maturing (i.e., building good habits,) and other stuff is illicit drug-induced, like tripping insights and high ideas, and some is due to the pharms. I do not abuse any drug except cannabis and tobacco. Tobacco at 20+/day begins to affect your liver's metabolism of your medication. I am on 150mg XR twice a day, with Gabapentin 1200mg 3x day, and Seroquel 50mg 1x a day to sleep (I take it daily even though I don't need to.)
I do an extensive amount of research into any chemical (supps, illicit, OTC, Rx, RC) I ingest, in particular to the pharmacology (mechanism of action) and pharmacology of metabolites. I basically try every drug, learn how it makes me feel and pick out which ones really make me feel what I think is normal. No anxiety/depression, perhaps even beyond the healthy sober brain's capacity.
Deflecting for a sec, I began to realize that people with a healthy brain look at you and your life and your opinions through the lens of somebody with a healthy brain. When I'm tripping, I find it hard to remember that not everybody is tripping with me. I interact with them as human beings who share a brain like I do, and are able to "see" and experience what I am experiencing at this moment, if only I can point it out to them.
and this doesn't just relate to drugs. The sober mind has the same bias. So advice from people who aren't really suffering from depression or who've "had" depression and have "gotten over it" on their own is bullshit.
(off-topic link: http://insightsynthesis.com/43/you-should-probably-take-psychiatric-drugs/ )
What I am about to say is something that took a good 5+ years to realize
I noticed that I would take meds (psychiatric, under supervision of a doctor) and feel like shit for a few weeks. Then notice the bad effects are gone and I feel normal/good. A few weeks later I don't necessarily feel any better or any different, but I begin to notice that I have been postponing some important things. Little things. I begin to work on them. A few weeks after that, I begin to remember the goals and work I was engaged in the past. I wonder why I stopped doing that and slowly get back into the groove. So now a few months pass, and every day I've been waking up, taking a pill, and going about my day. NEVER do I associate my renewed interest in activities and my recharged zest as being drug-induced.
In fact, I still have a hard time believing it. Anyway, so I've been on the meds for a few months. I'm doing good in life. I decide I no longer need the meds (or I'm forced to get off them.) I do fine after the withdrawals. But 2 months later I realize that I haven't been doing shit. Usually I chain smoke weed/cigs and listen to music or pace my room. I do socialize and go out a lot, but deep down I don't feel a desire to. I prefer alone time and may (very unlikely) be able to hold down a job.
My logic and intellect changes.. perhaps degrades. I begin to believe that I earned this lifestyle by making a lot of money the year before, having enough money to support myself doing this for the next year (or beyond.) I don't do shit, but I also justify it, and I don't necessarily appear abnormal to anyone else.
Things slowly go downhill of course. One day I wake up overwhelmed with things I've put off and I suddenly realize that I should probably try the meds again. This scenario kept happening to me but I was never able to associate the meds with my quality of life and my logic/opinions. The way I THINK changes drastically. I can't begin to describe this yet, but it's like the cognitive and emotional changes you have on methylone or MDMA (or shrooms.) Your logic (prefrontal cortex) becomes tied to emotion (amygdala) when you're depressed, but your mood is chronically low, so you only focus on negatives. Here's an example:
Your job is to build a pagoda using bricks - basically a tower of bricks. A healthy brain would see the big picture, the first and succeeding steps, and go about building it. A depressed brain will see that building each part of the pagoda is A LOT of work. This one step becomes the big picture. Your worldview/attention/thoughts/memories/opinions are all centered around this one step. Then you realize that this is only one out of hundreds of the same mundane/repetitive step. You feel overwhelmed and cannot do the work.
Anyway, I began to see the pattern of how the meds changed my thinking/attention/worldview only when I saw my friends take meds. They would "try" samples or go to a shrink. They would take meds, realize that they've had epiphanies and have now fixed their lives, never of course attributing these insights to the chemicals they're taking (because the effects are subtle and build up over months.) They get off the meds and go down the shitter again, attributing that too, to newer insights or facts.
Back to me. I have been on Effexor (taking generic Venlafaxine) for the past 3-4 months. I started at 37.5mg once a day. Then jumped to 150 XR the next month. The 37.5mg didn't do anything but everyday for the first week I felt very manic on the 150 XR. I loved it. It felt like methylone at 10-20% with adderall. Your doc would never let you do this and it's dangerous, you should raise dose gradually.
Mania felt great but after a few days I realized why mania is considered a serious psychiatric problem. You burn yourself out, too optimistic and euphoric to actually take any productive step in life. I personally don't conduct business or anything boring when I'm rolling or having a blast on most drugs. Mania Lite might be recreational.
My mania consisted of my tobacco intake increasing drastically; I went from 2 cigs a day to 4 to 8 to 16. I spent my money lavishly with no regard for the future, because I was hopeful and very optimistic, and was unable to see myself able to fail (in life, in business, in love, etc.) I felt like a fucking beast! Business ideas, epiphanies, I spoke loud and proud, and I barely remember any of it.
The mania subsided slowly and for the next month I didn't feel much of anything. Little did I know, little things in my life were changing. Tiny things. They manifested themselves subtly, almost naturally. For example, I would pick up and eat an apple once in awhile. I decided against spending money on useless things, sometimes. I attempted (and failed) to fix my sleep schedule. I put the weights out in plain sight to use (didn't use them.) I began watching my weight, and eating more to gain it back. These could have been me naturally maturing or having a good month, but knowing me (or the depressed me) well, and in hindsight, looking at my psychiatric drug pattern, this was unlikely.
Fast forward more weeks. I'm not sure what happened recently, but suddenly I begin to notice that I walk by my dishes, pick them up and do them. I realize that doing the dishes right after you eat only takes a small amount of time and prevents a pile up. It removes the task from my mental RAM. Little things like this begin happening in every aspect of my life, including how I feel mentally and emotionally.
I begin to feel good, but realize that I have an irritating slight anxiety constantly following me. The tobacco helps curb it but isn't a good habit. I ask the doc for Gabapentin and have been on it for 2 months. 1200mg 3x day. It is seriously one of the best drugs I have ever taken, especially when you take it medicinally and let it build up. It destroys anxiety.. and that's it. No euphoria (except the natural one you have when completely anxiety-free), no impairment.
I also upped Effexor to 150mg XR twice a day. It didn't last the entire day for me and I began to feel shitty by 8 hours.. the drug's half life. XR twice a day is not common.
My friend would say, eat fruit, wake up early, work out, these things will fix your depression. I reply "if I was able to wake up early and work out, I wouldn't be depressed. You see the illness?"
I had one friend who attempted suicide. He was hospitalized and began taking meds. Fast forward 2 years and he's acing college. 3rd year getting 100s on his calc III and ASM exams, no absences or relapse. He tells me, you know Marauder.. Fruit in the morning gives me a lot of energy, and I realized that staying on campus helps me focus on studying. That's the trick to fixing depression. He doesn't attribute what he's saying and thinking and doing to the psychiatric medication at all. It's strange but makes sense considering the statue of limitations for cause-and-effect is too low to give the meds credit for anything positive.
I say that I eat an apple once in awhile, or that it's easier to pick up the vacuum and clean up, but these tasks are nothing. It's what's going on in my head, in how I think, that I want you to understand. I can't explain it without sounding abstract or new-agey. Perhaps it feels like you're taking 1/4th a tab of acid daily, or you're using 2c-i sublingually at 8mg every morning. I feel as though my worldview is far greater than it is when I'm depressed. As though I can absorb myself and enjoy the small things, but at the same time keep the bigger picture in mind. Being mindful and meditating is much easier when my brain is healthy.
I also feel I don't "need" drugs (not that I ever did,) and have heroin/coke/lsd/RCs etc available to me. I take drugs recreationally because they're introspective and mystical, they help me figure things out, some are a novelty, some are fun, and some is pure research. More on recs below, but here's my point. When somebody with a healthy brain looks at a junkie and says, "I don't need drugs to be happy why do you?! all you have to do is fix your sleep schedule, go play tennis, the drugs are bad in the long run, there's a crash etc." This is because a healthy brain is naturally euphoric and finds joy in things. They see the bigger picture (a high -> a crash -> not worth it for instance) and focus more on the long run, which includes taking care of your body. So you cannot speak through this "healthy" lens when giving advice to somebody with an unhealthy brain, unless your advice includes someway of shaping the person's brain into yours (chemically or otherwise.)
Chemicals play a BIG part in WHAT you think and HOW you think. I've been thinking of this for awhile and it's somewhat creepy to me, how different my thinking can be depending on what I'm on, especially the pharmaceuticals.
Depression vs no depression is like black vs white. The depressed life is dull, lacks vibrance and color, feels gloomy and lonely, and in hindsight it actually does feel "cold." I can see exactly what Peter Kramer was taking about in his book "Listening to Prozac" - where he states that his depressed patients were boring, monotone and lacked spontaneity and wit:
Here's the quote:
The above is very accurate in my own experience and that of people I know. In Against Depression, Kramer talks about a lady who, when cured of depression, gets angry at the doc for "compromising" with the depressed her. She felt like the "real" her is now "back", and couldn't fathom that nobody noticed how far away from her healthy personality the depressed non-prozac her had gone. (not in a crazy way.)
I feel as though I'm back! The me that loves to write/read/etc is back. I'm dusting off old hobbies and have began slowly "fixing" my life. Undoing years of bad habits and getting up to speed on what I missed in the world. I love my regimen, minus dry mouth and the fact that I can't roll on the SNRI.
Recreational drugs feel amazing on my meds. I began to remember why I love weed. It barely impaired my healthy-brained-self, but it was sometimes boring and a distraction to the depressed-brained-me. Coffee felt like an actual stimulant, whereas when depressed, it just put me to sleep after making me severely anxious. Tripping consisted of a lighter trip (needed 25mg to reach 15mg 2c-i dose for example) that had less visuals, but felt far more relaxed with a billion more epiphanies. My brain was able to keep up with the speed at which psychedelics feel they make my imagination flow at. The epiphanies and ideas were more concrete, more realistic, and actually lasted into the long term rather than vanishing as soon as the drug wore off and you woke up the next day.
(NEVER mix drugs if you don't know what you're doing, especially when taking anti-depressants. Some combos can kill you or cause permanent and severe neurological damage)
It's important to remember that the above is a small summary of things that happened when I got on the meds. Some of the stuff is because I really am maturing (i.e., building good habits,) and other stuff is illicit drug-induced, like tripping insights and high ideas, and some is due to the pharms. I do not abuse any drug except cannabis and tobacco. Tobacco at 20+/day begins to affect your liver's metabolism of your medication. I am on 150mg XR twice a day, with Gabapentin 1200mg 3x day, and Seroquel 50mg 1x a day to sleep (I take it daily even though I don't need to.)
