TDS Ideation & Crisis Support

I am so sick of living in this time in human history. I am suicidal every single day.

I don't want to see one more fucking advertisement. I don't want to enter my login credentials one more fucking time. I don't want to see the dead eyed glares of people walking with their phones and laughing at misfortune. I feel like I am becoming those things and I fucking hate myself for it. I don't want to open one more bullshit red light traffic ticket sent by a fucking camera. I don't want to hear about one more fucking data breach.

I want the people that created these things and made the world this way to feel incredible pain. I want them to suffer in a way which makes my own pain worth the effort.
 
Not suicidal, but I'm taking prednisone again, 60mg last night, and 15mg per day for the next 3 days. Left ear start making a hissing noise, not terribly loud but very noticeable. A minor episode, if you will.

However, any major episode with lots of low/mid tone hearing loss plus very loud tinnitus (tinnitus so loud that cannot sleep to save my life) and I'm done. That would be major episode number 10.

So now, I've had 9 major episodes and 11 minor episodes. Yes, this is getting old. Major episodes have happened on both sides.
 
Not suicidal, but I'm taking prednisone again, 60mg last night, and 15mg per day for the next 3 days. Left ear start making a hissing noise, not terribly loud but very noticeable. A minor episode, if you will.

However, any major episode with lots of low/mid tone hearing loss plus very loud tinnitus (tinnitus so loud that cannot sleep to save my life) and I'm done. That would be major episode number 10.

So now, I've had 9 major episodes and 11 minor episodes. Yes, this is getting old. Major episodes have happened on both sides.
I hope the prednisone helps and you get some relief. Please don’t give up no matter what, you’re stronger than you think and there are still good things to come.

I’m not trying to downplay anything you’re going through by the way. I understand having to be really strong (more than you think you can even do it sometimes). Anyways, hope that last sentence made sense, haven’t been sleeping well & sleep deprived. Suicide is a thought I’ve had to push aside all throughout my life, even after almost dying.

Anyways, for now just be so gentle with yourself. Do any little thing you can for self care or to comfort yourself best you can. I’ve seen your posts before & if no one told you today, I’m proud of you.

Sending you hope, prayers and a hug 💜
 
Anyways, for now just be so gentle with yourself. Do any little thing you can for self care or to comfort yourself best you can
Thank you for writing this @ AngelsandFairies


You have to stay strong through it. It goes away. I have actually seen tinnitus on .. others go away. Everyone suffers. Somehow anyway.


I don't know how but you have to try to be strong and fight through everything.



I try to be composed and just stay calm about my autoimmune disease and it's systemic. It effects all systems liver brain everything.

I have so much boned loss that they want me to go have vitamin IV's with calcium.



I have a lot of pain too. But sometimes if you can work real slow with it you can get things done.



My shoulder ' got hurt ' again and I laid in bed for two f*ckng days with fatigue from it. My shoulder woke me up in the middle of sleep from

pain. Can't even think just enough to have wrapped my wrist real fast with my velcro brace and that always helps the pain levels too.

I slept almost almost four hours on an ibuprophen prescription 550 or something. Almost. I woke up and still couldn't dare try to move from whatever tf was wrong with my shoulder.

And ect. ect. ect.



But sometimes you just have to yell out loud from the pain too.

Ailing and suffering can make you slow down and makes me cranky ' irritable ' and could just scream.



(( Problematic health is very very concerning. Sometimes when I try to stay as calm and possible it really works. ))


I am sorry that you are suffering from tinnitus. It has to be one of the worse physical hurts too that hurts everywhere actually. We have to try to fight off

that abuse that pain yes does cause.


I am so sorry for your tinnitus and suffering with it. I hope that you can get through such a condition that has such major effects. I hope you can

heal and get better as well. And there is a Huge possibility that you will and can be able to.



I have good blood pressure but a bad immune system that is supposed to protect me but is trying to kill me instead. Haha right. wth. I have had
enough too.


take care please 🌻
 
I am so sick of living in this time in human history. I am suicidal every single day.

I don't want to see one more fucking advertisement. I don't want to enter my login credentials one more fucking time. I don't want to see the dead eyed glares of people walking with their phones and laughing at misfortune. I feel like I am becoming those things and I fucking hate myself for it. I don't want to open one more bullshit red light traffic ticket sent by a fucking camera. I don't want to hear about one more fucking data breach.

I want the people that created these things and made the world this way to feel incredible pain. I want them to suffer in a way which makes my own pain worth the effort.
you come up with a flux capacitor and other time travel equipment and I will buy something a lot nicer than a Delorean and pick a time period.

It will be nice; all the great inventions and other prosperous things I will " technically" invent. lol. Hey you wanna be a rock star? Think of all the songs you could "Technically write". Sports almanac, history of stock market research, and a host of other bad ideas but I remember a simpliar time the 80's and 90's and I even remember the 70's.

Life then seemed more fun. Not alienating and dystopian. We didn't sit around computers, much. Only games.
BMX bikes, baseball, sports, fishing, outdoors, playing cards or board games on lousy weather days. I have little use for modern society; I avoid it. Except my phone. Not into social media much.
Times were better. The 90's were my 60's. Regardless of politics, as a man in his late 40's, this country has changed and it is not the same. Too dehumanizing.
 
Nope. This thing just won't ever go away. I suspect it's just Meniere's that simply won't drain the excess fluid. But there is also an element of nerve damage because when I touch my ear I get a tingling sensation deep in that ear. It's in both ears, but it's significantly worse on one side. I suspect facial/trigeminal nerve involvement since there is a degree of hyperacusis in that ear, in that the ear canal is smaller and seems narrower than it was...that is the most sensitive one to certain sounds. It "resonates" more when I put my hand over that ear and say certain words, I will get a strange phantom tone like a resonance. I suspect that is the Meniere's at play and not the facial nerve which is a separate issue likely caused by COVID or the hydrocephalus I was diagnosed with about 18 months after the COVID infection in 2022.
 
Oh man, not sure why Im posting here. Suicidal ideation/fantasies daily. Tired of the chronic pain, OCD, physical injuries and insomnia. It sucks that Im likely going to need a minimum of 3 more surgeries and even then I have hypermobility and a connective tissue disease which will likely get worse. I hate my pessimistic mindset though.


From the outside people would think I have maybe not an ”ideal” life but that I have a lot going for me despite my past. Ive been clean and sober for over 5 years and built up myself again but Im so tired of keeping up the facade. Anyways its 5am again and I gotta be up in 4 hours fml 😂
 
I fantasize about drugs every day, I guess thats why I visit this forum so much. Im still obsessed with chemistry and pharmacology to an autistic degree. Every day I think what it would be like to slam some opioids or stimulants into my veins while eating pills and smoking dissociatives.


Chronic pain, brain fog and OCD take their toll, I wouldnt wish it on anyone but ”at least” its made me far more understanding on the hellish suffering that perpetual mental and physical conditions can be. Its by far the worst things ive gone through, taken more of a toll on me than anything in my past as I had the drugs to numb me in the past. Yet at times Im also stronger than ever before.


Oh well I got to at least make it past 10 years of sobriety and then Ill decide if I start using again or blow my brains out, but I strive towards my life being better by then. Just wanted to vent a bit, love all of you, stay safe ❤️
 
I fantasize about drugs every day, I guess thats why I visit this forum so much. Im still obsessed with chemistry and pharmacology to an autistic degree. Every day I think what it would be like to slam some opioids or stimulants into my veins while eating pills and smoking dissociatives.


Chronic pain, brain fog and OCD take their toll, I wouldnt wish it on anyone but ”at least” its made me far more understanding on the hellish suffering that perpetual mental and physical conditions can be. Its by far the worst things ive gone through, taken more of a toll on me than anything in my past as I had the drugs to numb me in the past. Yet at times Im also stronger than ever before.


Oh well I got to at least make it past 10 years of sobriety and then Ill decide if I start using again or blow my brains out, but I strive towards my life being better by then. Just wanted to vent a bit, love all of you, stay safe ❤️
I absolutely feel you on the phantasies... Stay strong man, though I don't know how you could do it for that long.. You're way stronger than me anyway, still can't make it past day three 😒
 
What do you do, when you existed only through the capacity of feeling.

When the only answer is to realise your internal sphere is wrong, and you cannot listen.

But to walk along everyday is a pantomime, you can’t fake it as everyone knows, but if you don’t fake it you are accused of being a “bring down” my new fav phrase from reading Burroughs.

My joys have only been my manias, and living while constantly tearing yourself away, no matter how many deep breaths a day do you find it home again, a voice calling you to come home to eternal rest and peace.

“Don’t listen, don’t talk to yourself, act naturally”,

If I was to act naturally I’d be guzzling palfium like it was going out of fashion.
 
So now I have another problem. Trying to communicate with someone. Something important. Well, guess what? They ignore it. Honestly, what a joke. I'm getting fed up with everything. I'm almost ready to quit and order a different item from someone who actually at least gives the impression that they care about their customers. Sure, they are busy? So what, it takes all of two fucking seconds to reply to my message, and they can do it within 3 days at least. Not a fucking chance. No reply. I'm to the point where I am getting fed up. Why are people like this? No, it's not because they are busy, it's because they don't really care. When I'm there at the warehouse, they listen to me, they seem friendly. But if I'm not visible, things seem totally different. I wonder if it's worth my while? Honest to God I'm fed up with this two-faced bullshit. If you truly really honestly don't want to do what I want to do (and I am paying for it) then fine, I'll go elsewhere. It isn't fair to me to have messages left unread, it's like I'm talking to a corpse. It's sad in a way.
 
Anybody feeling close to the edge right now, I've been there many times and haven't got any major philosophical insights to impart, only I have realised that it isn't that I want to be dead, I'm kinda dead already. What I want is to be alive. I want to live a life, not just zombie shuffle through each day surviving.

I don't know if reframing helps any. The thought 'I wish I were dead' goes through my head so many times a day that I'm pretty much immune to it by now. I do try to remind myself that it's not accurate, though. I wish I were alive. That's the truth.
 
Anybody feeling close to the edge right now, I've been there many times and haven't got any major philosophical insights to impart, only I have realised that it isn't that I want to be dead, I'm kinda dead already. What I want is to be alive. I want to live a life, not just zombie shuffle through each day surviving.

I don't know if reframing helps any. The thought 'I wish I were dead' goes through my head so many times a day that I'm pretty much immune to it by now. I do try to remind myself that it's not accurate, though. I wish I were alive. That's the truth.
Thank you for posting this

I scrolled up and got reminded how awful I felt in january, I forgot I had even posted that. I feel a lot better now, strange contrast. Just wanna say it gets better in periods, how long those last for each person I cant say. But Im currently feeling a lot better for some reason, I hope you can hold out as well ❤️
 
So now I have another problem. Trying to communicate with someone. Something important. Well, guess what? They ignore it. Honestly, what a joke. I'm getting fed up with everything. I'm almost ready to quit and order a different item from someone who actually at least gives the impression that they care about their customers. Sure, they are busy? So what, it takes all of two fucking seconds to reply to my message, and they can do it within 3 days at least. Not a fucking chance. No reply. I'm to the point where I am getting fed up. Why are people like this? No, it's not because they are busy, it's because they don't really care. When I'm there at the warehouse, they listen to me, they seem friendly. But if I'm not visible, things seem totally different. I wonder if it's worth my while? Honest to God I'm fed up with this two-faced bullshit. If you truly really honestly don't want to do what I want to do (and I am paying for it) then fine, I'll go elsewhere. It isn't fair to me to have messages left unread, it's like I'm talking to a corpse. It's sad in a way.
It seems like no cares and face to face is all superficial bs nowadays. ( The tech boom 1990's-till now, is a major factor). People have gotten truly self centered and don't care anything about others, not all of course, but too many people in general don't even have common decency when dealing with others if they don't have to face them or talk too them.

I may come across as a jerk at times but I Know when things were different. I am personally not like that IRL.

I think all the anti-social media, greed, narcissistic behavior is just getting worse.

The whole cancel culture has made too much of the population self centered and indifferent too others , I see this as only getting worse.

No, it is very sad, awful and disgusting.

Laugh all who actually read this, but this type of behavior is basically normalized and is screwing up society at all levels.

I am not sure what your issue is but, I spent hours( at least 3) trying to get a hold of a smaller delivery company. Couldn't reach them, and the company( Chinese) it was a package sent to my address with the wrong name.

I am a guy and this was a female name.
I was finally able to track down the address. It was one digit off and a neighbor across from me, who I don't know.

There is a deliberate, not caring across the board from almost all companies, it seems. Too not care, about the customers is now almost or possibly is normalized.

The dehumanizing elements that has infected society seems to be very contagious and growing worse.

I hear and know what you mean. Self centeredness and laziness is growing with no end in sight.

I wonder how long before many places will just treat people like garbage or ignore them face to face.

I know that seems a little extreme, but where will this end?
 
^ People care (most people are decent) but are way more guarded, for sure. Probably through awareness of being hoodwinked by scam artists... Unfortunately when values have previously dictated and played on people's empathy for votes - this is the consequence - alternatively, there is callousness when people lose all sympathy for people - the balance, is up to people (NOT politicians/Parties) as both are psychopathic in nature, imho 💜
 
Posting here just to hopefully get some of this shit out of my head.

I keep stressing those out close to me and I’m not sure they can handle my antics today.

I’m so tired of being so negative, and having a hair trigger response. I used to be so positive but I allowed the life to get sucked out of me.

Just the hour I’ve got to wait until I attend my volunteering has been agony, but I’ve made myself a coffee and some toast to try calm down.

But it’s hard to explain, but I’m so angry, tense and upset all the time. I can’t enjoy anything as my I default to my cynical negative perspective.

Everytime my girlfriend looks over and says something, I realise too late I’ve defaulted the usual shit.

Yes I am not my thoughts, I should know this but I cannot keep just defaulting.

I know I need to not be angry at myself, and I’ve told myself to forgive myself.

But of course I am wrong, if I am forcing any thing it won’t work, how am I not meant to force it then?

I take 1 million slow deep breaths, inbetween every little thing I do, until I get so exhausted I just go back to rushing everything in a panic.

Honestly, after going to my volunteering, I’m thinking of going to A and E, and trying to get myself sectioned.

I can’t keep thinking about killing my self all the time.

I can’t keep living to take opioids once a month, I’m tired of that too. I’m just so exhausted.

I have no motivations, I do things because I have to, whenever I try be myself people get upset and offended.

I generally know I am twisted and bitter, full of hate, and I can’t let go.

I may walk into the drug service, or hospital. Part of me wants to make a big scene and slash my wrists, but that will only hurt others and push them further away.

I’m terrified of being on my own, but don’t want anything else.

Everday, I wake up to look forward to go to sleep.

If I was brave, I’d crush 28 Nitrazepams, and take DHC and Pregabs by the handful.

Instead I’m here, still whining.
 
Do you make everything stressful? Even things you should be looking forward to and excited about?

Like are you living from one accomplished task to the other?? It’s hard for me to explain what’s behind my questions lol hard to articulate. But is any of this ringing a bell?

I’m asking cause I really relate to the things you say so I have advice but I wanna be sure that I’m getting where you are coming from
 
Do you make everything stressful? Even things you should be looking forward to and excited about?

Like are you living from one accomplished task to the other?? It’s hard for me to explain what’s behind my questions lol hard to articulate. But is any of this ringing a bell?

I’m asking cause I really relate to the things you say so I have advice but I wanna be sure that I’m getting where you are coming from


That’s exactly it yeah, sounds like you really get it:)
 
Posting here just to hopefully get some of this shit out of my head.

I keep stressing those out close to me and I’m not sure they can handle my antics today.

I’m so tired of being so negative, and having a hair trigger response. I used to be so positive but I allowed the life to get sucked out of me.

Just the hour I’ve got to wait until I attend my volunteering has been agony, but I’ve made myself a coffee and some toast to try calm down.

But it’s hard to explain, but I’m so angry, tense and upset all the time. I can’t enjoy anything as my I default to my cynical negative perspective.

Everytime my girlfriend looks over and says something, I realise too late I’ve defaulted the usual shit.

Yes I am not my thoughts, I should know this but I cannot keep just defaulting.

I know I need to not be angry at myself, and I’ve told myself to forgive myself.

But of course I am wrong, if I am forcing any thing it won’t work, how am I not meant to force it then?

I take 1 million slow deep breaths, inbetween every little thing I do, until I get so exhausted I just go back to rushing everything in a panic.

Honestly, after going to my volunteering, I’m thinking of going to A and E, and trying to get myself sectioned.

I can’t keep thinking about killing my self all the time.

I can’t keep living to take opioids once a month, I’m tired of that too. I’m just so exhausted.

I have no motivations, I do things because I have to, whenever I try be myself people get upset and offended.

I generally know I am twisted and bitter, full of hate, and I can’t let go.

I may walk into the drug service, or hospital. Part of me wants to make a big scene and slash my wrists, but that will only hurt others and push them further away.

I’m terrified of being on my own, but don’t want anything else.

Everday, I wake up to look forward to go to sleep.

If I was brave, I’d crush 28 Nitrazepams, and take DHC and Pregabs by the handful.

Instead I’m here, still whining.
I feel for you and recognise some of the similar things in myself.

you've not mentioned it but it made me think of my own spiraling thoughts that end up feeding my negativity monster, it's a circular thought process that creates a kind of negative feedback loop.

I was lucky enough to get some CBT and support from a psychiatrist that helped me recognise the signs and give me some tools to manage it and break out of the loop.

if you haven't already it might be worth talking to your Dr about some support, and maybe take a look at some self help.

great you're recognising the problem though and considering taking some positive steps to address it - even if they sound major when you say it out loud!
 
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