i was there once man, and i know that it seems like nobody has ever OR will ever suffer as bad as you are right now, i promise you it will get better, you have to find a way to manage your mood. For me it was kratom. (i had been doin oxys because i was so depressed, but it was like a roller coaster, super happy and blissful, then you come down and your right where you left off, if not worse) I was put on a lot of ssri's too the one that worked best for me was paxil but the withdrawal from that was worse then oxy.
Anyways... I lost my girl, and life wasnt worth living without her, i felt traumatized honestly, i had dreams every night about her and would think about it all day, it was hell and id had enough. I downed a bottle of my K-pins thinking it would be the best way to off myself. Instead i just got fucked up and a good friend had to take me to the hosp. when i passed out. It was a wake up call and i tried treatment. I tapered then withdrawal-ed from 20mg oxy (it wasnt horrible) but my mood was still fucked for weeks after that. i tried kratom and it made me feel well enough to cope with life wasnt horribly expensive, and i didnt get depressed after the effects wore off.
Ive been managing with kratom for about a year and a half. Im in such a better place now and i got here faster then i ever thought I could. Find a way to manage so your not riding the roller coaster and give your brain time to heal from those fresh wounds. I look back and wonder how i made it, yeah i still miss her and everything but i dont feel like its the end of the world anymore - there are a lot of good parts in life but you gotta get through the tough ones to find em.