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  • TDS Moderators: AlphaMethylPhenyl | paranoid android

i wish i had the courage to end it

C

cumberlandblues

Greenlighter
Joined
Jan 11, 2010
Messages
5
Location
mass.
i feel like i am slowly losing touch with reality. i find myself waking up everyday only thinking about how i will intoxicate myself. although i mostly only consume marijuana, i have been dabbling with opiates lately (namely oxycodone, 30mg roxis) and it seems that has even made my depression worse. i don't think i ever used them enough to qualify myself as addicted, i would do them on my days off (usually twice a week) and find myself only looking forward to those days off when i could use them again. i recently stopped this and i am going to try to stay away from them, although that might be a different story come friday when i get paid.

i believe that my main problem is my current job. i work in a fast food restaurant and it seems that every day i have worked there, i find myself wishing death or something that would just end this pain for good, more and more. i have to go into work in about an hour, and i really don't know how i am going to do it. i'm on the verge of tears right now, and even smoking some weed won't help. i'm so desperate at the moment that i am trying to think of ways to go to the E.R. because i cannot call out (stupid coverage policy and dickhole co-workers who wouldn't cover even if i tried). i would give almost anything to quit this job, but it seems the only reason i work any more is to just support my drug habits. i feel like without drugs in my life, i probably would've just killed myself years ago.

my romantic life is pretty much non-resistant and due to social anxiety its probably going to remain like that for god knows how long. as far as family life, i cannot complain. my parents have always been the best to me, and to be honest they are probably one of the only reasons i haven't off-ed myself just due to the fact that i care about them too much to hurt them that way. i'm in college technically, but i'm 22 and have been going since high school so im pretty much fucking that up too. i have a close group of friends, but as time goes by people start to change, and it made me realize that what i currently have won't last forever and soon enough i will probably be all alone and miserable.

p.s. i apologize for the capitalization (or lack of) and the likely grammatical errors but the main point of this was to just vent. i find that when i talk to people these days its hard to get my point across, and this felt like a good way to share it anonymously.

p.p.s. feel free to post any thoughts or suggestions, i'd love to hear them.
 
Your drug use is corrupting your thought processes, I have always found weed to be insidious when over used. if you are not addicted to opiates it ought to be easy to stop all drug use for a few days if you canot work then don;t go in, better to lose your job than your life. At the end of some drug free days you will feel much better. Trust me I have doing this for decades. At that point you will be able to think clearly about the choices you have.
 
cumberlandblues, you are too young to think things like that! What kind of job (realistic) would you like? Find something you'd enjoy. Construction or something so you can work outdoors? Make new friends. Change what is boring you about your life. Some day you will get old like me and won't have the options you need to change. You will be stuck in a dead end then :) At 22 I was having my first child and married already. Lol, I don't encourage people to do that now! Can your folks afford to send you to Europe for a few weeks? If I were young again that's where I'd be right now...backpacking my way through and drooling over all the foreign sounding men :P
 
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and women ;)

great fucking advice. ive known many people who did this, and some stayed!

it is easier said then done but, save your money for a real escape and adventure, after so long of saving maybe your parents would match you money in a safe, savings account to do such a thing.
 
weed does this to certain people. like me. i was just in this haze of depression and i could never figure out why. so the more different drugs i threw in there the better i felt when i was doped out, but the worse that feeling came back.

stop smoking weed. it is impossible to motivate yourself in that situation though probably. but seriously its what you need to do to feel better. will take an amazing amount of willpower but totally worth it i promise
 
cumberlandblues said:
i believe that my main problem is my current job.
Click to expand...
I think you are unto something here. If this is the main problem it is not an insoluble problem. Yes changing jobs is complicated & difficult, but transitioning on jobs or even enduring unemployment makes tons more sense to me than suicide or constant misery. I can not say I know things will work out wonderfully post this job you hate, but you have identified it as pivotal. I'd advise to go for it and move on.
 
I was working in a fast food joint a couple months ago as well. Was just getting over heroin addiction and my depression was out of control, way worse than it was before i started drugs. I decided to quit the job as my work performance was becoming bad anyway and get help for my problems with drugs and depression/panic attacks...Now im starting to feel so much better getting therapy and attempting to actually fix the problem, rather than mask it with drugs. Also in my state they give Medicaid for people with temporary disabilities so I get a nice ammount of money per month (about the same as if i was working, still not much however), plus $400 worth of food stamps, and free medical coverage.. but this is all just tmeporary while i am trying to get better mentally so i can become indepentant again.
 
weed = paranoia & depression

You need to either block such thoughts when they occur, in knowledge that the weed is likely the root cause, or cut down on the weed. Easier said that done!!

If you're comitted to improving things, the following worked for me.

(1) Write down everythings you hate about yourself. Your faults, your tendancies, things you want to change etc.
(2) Read them and understand them.
(3) Read them again and group together as much as possible into categories & themes. Try and get to as few categories as possible.
(4) For every negative category, force yourself to find 2 things that you do like. Your strengths, talents, positive influences etc. Force yourself to find 2 for each negative category (even if you end up scrapping the barrell with something like "great at making pasta"
(5) Go through each negative category and write down a way to mitigate them (ie. how can things be 'improved' slightly. Not removed; but improved. Not by much; but slightly).
(6) Now (this is the important bit), go through your positive categories and write down a way to 'enable' each one. Nothing significant; just a way to improve it. For example, given my stupid one above; you may decide to make pasta more regularly.

Rinse and repeat this every weekend and set new plans. Even if you don't achieve your goals each week; accept this, and try, try again. At the very least, you will have a better understanding and appreciation of what you have going for you. I have never met a human being who hasn't had a long list of positives. You must give these visibility in your mind, and look to enable them further.

Good luck - take care.
 
Its another classic case of the dope blues. Seems everyone transitions through some issues similar to yours on that long, bumpy road to opiate addiction, hell, if I cant tell you, i know most definitely ^georgie can. This is beside the point, but im going to tell you, most definitely to take the advice that said to travel to europe, hell even mexico or canada can be hella fun. Its not about where you vacation, Its the fact that getting away from your routine life that makes you want to die is the best advice I can give.

And the opiates are fun, yes...but never forget they will always take you to the same place, and it aint a vacation to another country. Addiction sucks, plain and simple. If you want to live a normal life(meaning you can feel good totally sober) dont get in too deep with the drugs. I have depression issues, and i use for that reason, but not a day goes by that i dont regret becoming dependant on opiates.Not a day goes by do i not regret not being able to feel normal without them. I know its hypocritical, but take the advice you have been given. gotta go-

JD
 
its amazingly bunk, to define, generalize, and believe ones own personal reaction/experience as a truth for all.

i use marijuana medicinally, for an auto immune disorder, chronic pleurisy, osteoarthritis, and, i have schizo effective bi polar.

it helps me, in many ways, nsaids make me delerious, dysphoric, and agitated, so do several other unlikely meds. neuroleptics give me nms, marijuana fights enormous inflammation, nassau, and chronic pain.

psychologically, it makes me laugh and wonder what i was worried about with agoraphobia, and gives me a needed third person perspective, when the time comes that nothing makes sense.

when i think how terrible these chronic pain issues are, how progressive, how extraordinarily painful and unlikely it is to be stricken with all this chaos, and long nights of exhausted sleepless hell...

i smoke what i grew and realize that there must be a reason, what have i learned, what more is to come, and how can this be learned from, what can be realized, its all utterly unique and stunning, instead of panic and worry, i realize, create, and hope to inspire.

the pain, depression, terror, helplessness, anxiety all is seen, understood, and accepted from the plant i grew from a small cut from the one before.

that's just me though, my wife can not tolerate marijuana, neither can many others, lots of people have the same positive effects as i do. you claim your experience with it as negative, that is your truth.

i do not scare people away from all the psych drugs that i, family, and friends consistently had bad experiences with, because ive seen just as many positive ones.


personal experiences are not the sole representatives of fact, here or anywhere.
 
I NUK3D U said:
weed = paranoia & depression
Click to expand...

This may be true for you and other people but you make it sound like it's inevitable which it is not. For me weed = less pain and my bipolar disorder being less wacky. So it does help alot of people it's just that some people get bad reactions from it. The same goes for every other drug out there legal or illegal so why should cannabis be any different.

To the OP: If weed is having a negative influence on you and it very well might be stop smoking it or atleast cut down anyway. Or hell cut down or quit to save on $$$ so you can maybe have a change of scene. The ideas that some people said such as going to Europe wouldnt be a bad idea if you could do it and if you can get the money theres no reason why you shouldnt. Hell id jump at the chance right now if i could.

As for the opiates all i have to say is stop while your ahead. I have ried to treat depression and the lot with opiates before and i was lucky it didnt end up alot worse then it did.

Good luck man
 
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