I wish I enjoyed anything half as much as getting fucked up.

[ripple]

Hi, this is my first thread on here and I'm not sure this is the right place for it but I need some suggestions/support.

As far back as i can remember, I've always seemed to lack much of a passion for anything that wasn't drug related. As a child, I never participated in sports or learning to play an instrument or much of anything, really. I never developed an interest in any specific thing. At the age of 14, I discovered alcohol and it felt like finding God. I had finally found something that held my interest and to get excited about. This quickly ignited a hunger to get my hands on any substance. I thought, if alcohol could do that, what would *insert whatever drug here* feel like? I had a short bout with meth, but luckily,my parents quickly caught on and basically quarantined me until I was clean.

When I moved into the city for college, I suddenly had unlimited access to MDMA and cocaine. I ran my course with those, switching between the two whenever I felt like I was getting too out of control of either.after a few years of that battle, I finally quit for good. Several months later, I was introduced to oxycodone...oh, the regrets. The past year or so has been the quintessential case of ever-growing tolerance, withdrawal, relapse and watching myself turn into someone I don't recognize. I'm currently 3 days clean and I am truly hoping that I can overcome this addiction like I have overcome the others in my past.

I guess, my question is, what THE FUCK can I do to help myself from falling into another addiction to something else? Writing this, I'm realizing that I'm just an addict in general...it apparently doesn't matter what the substance is - give me enough of it, and I'm dumb enough to think that it will be different from all the other times in my past, that I won't succumb to dependence. There's obviously a void that i keep filling with drugs. I want so desperately to replace addiction with something that is actually good for me and will truly bring me joy. Unfortunately, any time I try to do something that is supposed to be fun, I always find myself yearning for more. I can't even simply go on a walk without wishing I was drunk or high on something, let alone interact with people sober without feeling like I'm missing something.

Does this sound familiar? What healthy thing did you replace your addiction with? How do I figure out what my "thing" is?

 

[modern buddha]

Hey, ripple. I think this might be better suited for The Dark Side, as there are many people that are in the same boat as you, posting about their experiences and how they get through it.

Best of luck with anything and just remember that only you can make your life worthwhile.

 

[RedLeader]

Hi and welcome to BL/TDS!

First things first, you're three days into opiate withdrawal. Of course you're going to feel awful - physically, mentally, fatalistically, etc. You're telling yourself that what you need is to quit, but your body and alter ego is telling you otherwise. This is all really overwhelming, and it's understandable that you're not feeling excited about anything else right now. I've been through it, I know how you feel. I'm surprised you were composed enough to type this all out (very well)!

The frustrating, yet very true, thing about recovering from addiction is that time will be one of your biggest assets. The more sober/clean time you have, the easier it is to forget about drugs (even for short periods of time) and really get your attention into other things. The hardest thing is to be able to have faith that if you give it time, you'll be rewarded with slowly getting your life back. I've been through it, and I'm definitely feeling a lot more alive, motivated and whatnot, when I was just were you were only a few months ago. Not only was I there, but I thought that people talking like I am now were nuts and that I was some kind of exception. You just got to take it day-by-day for a month or two, and things will improve significantly.

As for interests, when you start to feel better it would be a good time to shop around for new hobbies and whatnot. It's actually a GOOD thing, at least for your recovery, that you don't have a lot of existing passions/hobbies/interests. Going back to doing the same things we did while high, only without the drugs, is a recipe for disaster. Constant reminders, constant triggers, cognitive association, etc. If you used to use and play an instrument all of the time, it might be difficult trying to play it again early on in recovery. Starting fresh will allow you to find new passions and meet new people, none of which will immediately make you think about drugs and/or old ways.

Your days will begin to feel much longer now that you're not busy being high or trying to get your drugs. Take that time and use it to go new places, eat new foods, try new sports, wear new styles of clothes, read new books...pretty much anything constructive. Chances are you'll like some of it. Look at it this way, with new drugs and whatnot, you had the desire to try them in hopes that they lived up to their names and made your life better, right? Use that same attitude with trying healthier stuff that a lot of people swear by.

Best of luck to you. Give it a few more days and you'll be feeling A LOT better.

 

[lars90]

Sports is the answer my friend. for my it s parkur. I use to be able to do nothing now I can do a backflip, wallflip, flip in, frontflip, sideflip etc... You know all that shit I still get these times where I really really really want to take drugs again. I just go into the sauna cause its like a drug sounds dumb but your really chilled and you dont have this everlasting feeling of something missing. All you really have to do is find something fun. Find some hobbs find a job find a girl. Easiyer said then done huh? Just try getting in some comunity and start vuilding some social contacts they will help you.

 

[addictivepersona]

I guess, my question is, what THE FUCK can I do to help myself from falling into another addiction to something else? Writing this, I'm realizing that I'm just an addict in general...it apparently doesn't matter what the substance is - give me enough of it, and I'm dumb enough to think that it will be different from all the other times in my past, that I won't succumb to dependence. There's obviously a void that i keep filling with drugs. I want so desperately to replace addiction with something that is actually good for me and will truly bring me joy. Unfortunately, any time I try to do something that is supposed to be fun, I always find myself yearning for more. I can't even simply go on a walk without wishing I was drunk or high on something, let alone interact with people sober without feeling like I'm missing something.

Does this sound familiar? What healthy thing did you replace your addiction with? How do I figure out what my "thing" is?

RedLeader gave some excellent advice, so if you just skimmed over his post, please, scroll back up and re-read it before reading this any further. :)

I was in your shoes almost two years ago. In order to not rehash most of what RL said, I'll keep this short. Basically, go out and try new things. Do you have any friends who either don't do drugs or who are willing to be sober while around you? If so, seek out these people to do things with. If it's too crappy to go outside and TV's a bust, try a board game or a card game with your friend. You might not like "Sorry!" but you might like "Apples to Apples"! You never know until you try.

Was there anything in school that interested you? If so, while you're bored online, seek out more information on that subject. Try to find credible, reputable websites. Or check out your local library for information.

And most of all, best of luck. Stay strong. You are not in this alone. As I said, I was there nearly two years ago, and here I am almost two years later, still clean, still improving. :)

 

[Korn3x]

dam dude sounds a lot like me. i was 15 when i discovered alcohol and i had the exact same feeling about it that you did. when i started college, i started doing lots of drugs. mostly oxy but at one point i was doing anything i could get my hands on for random days (dxm, solvents, etc.) and eventually i started using the needle.

long story short, my parents ended up finding out about all my drug use (sans needle thank god) and they got me tested to see what was wrong with me. i went to a psychologist who did a series of tests on me for hours and diagnosed me with ADD (meaning she was legit and didnt just rely on a quick self-filled out survey). currently i'm on adderall, and i smoke weed every day (been smoking about 3 years). i find that i don't really have the desire to fiend for drugs like i used to either (money was a big determining factor since my tolerance was too high for me to really afford it. it just wasn't practical anymore and i knew it couldn't go on). i find that if you take adderall pretty regularly, it kind of wards off those desires a little. they say that actually a lot of alcoholics may have ADD i think.

anyways, i'm stoned right now so sorry if any of this is confusing, but i just wanted to say i have been in a similar mindset before, and it is kind of scary at that point in your life. i feel that i've maybe matured a little, and have more self-confidence now. i try to be more assertive, and man up to certain situations that i was once afraid of. i think i may have used drugs more heavily in my younger college years cuz i didnt really know who i was, and also relied on drugs to deal with certain social situations. i think i may have some mild social anxiety cuz i'm constantly thinking about what other people think. it almost even affects how i walk it's hard to describe. i feel like i want to hunch over and hide. i've been trying to work on my posture and stand up straight, and i think it's been helping a lot i think with how i view myself as a person.

i was actually going to post a thread in dealing with a medication adjustment, and possibly trying to limit my marijuana usage, so i'm not trying to say my life is on track or anything. i definitely don't have that "cracked out feeling" for drugs like i used to though, which is a good thing. i have massive problems concentrating though and as a result i sometimes use weed to try and study if my adderall isn't working that day..

i'll try to edit this and say more i'm crashing and its hard to formulate my thoughts. i feel for you though.

edit: also, this is my first post in awhile, i find it hard to even motivate myself to do the things i used to love doing (like posting on BL). it's just so hard to stay on top of everything and be everywhere all the time.

 

[Opiates4lyfe]

I currently have this problem but to a much smaller scale. Generally on the weekends only I'll use drugs because i'm bored out of my mind. I'll be sitting at home on a Saturday night thinking "well this is going to be boring as shit... BUT if i take opiates i'll have a blast!" thank god i don't have an addictive personality. Someone would have to hold me down and force a drug in me to get me to do it during the week. During the week i am far more concerned with school and working out. I don't want any drug to make me feel groggy or tired for my workouts as i want to get the most out of them and i can't stand feeling like shit in class. (thank god!)

 

[ripple]

dam dude sounds a lot like me. i was 15 when i discovered alcohol and i had the exact same feeling about it that you did. when i started college, i started doing lots of drugs. mostly oxy but at one point i was doing anything i could get my hands on for random days (dxm, solvents, etc.) and eventually i started using the needle.

long story short, my parents ended up finding out about all my drug use (sans needle thank god) and they got me tested to see what was wrong with me. i went to a psychologist who did a series of tests on me for hours and diagnosed me with ADD (meaning she was legit and didnt just rely on a quick self-filled out survey). currently i'm on adderall, and i smoke weed every day (been smoking about 3 years). i find that i don't really have the desire to fiend for drugs like i used to either (money was a big determining factor since my tolerance was too high for me to really afford it. it just wasn't practical anymore and i knew it couldn't go on). i find that if you take adderall pretty regularly, it kind of wards off those desires a little. they say that actually a lot of alcoholics may have ADD i think.

anyways, i'm stoned right now so sorry if any of this is confusing, but i just wanted to say i have been in a similar mindset before, and it is kind of scary at that point in your life. i feel that i've maybe matured a little, and have more self-confidence now. i try to be more assertive, and man up to certain situations that i was once afraid of. i think i may have used drugs more heavily in my younger college years cuz i didnt really know who i was, and also relied on drugs to deal with certain social situations. i think i may have some mild social anxiety cuz i'm constantly thinking about what other people think. it almost even affects how i walk it's hard to describe. i feel like i want to hunch over and hide. i've been trying to work on my posture and stand up straight, and i think it's been helping a lot i think with how i view myself as a person.

i was actually going to post a thread in dealing with a medication adjustment, and possibly trying to limit my marijuana usage, so i'm not trying to say my life is on track or anything. i definitely don't have that "cracked out feeling" for drugs like i used to though, which is a good thing. i have massive problems concentrating though and as a result i sometimes use weed to try and study if my adderall isn't working that day..

i'll try to edit this and say more i'm crashing and its hard to formulate my thoughts. i feel for you though.

edit: also, this is my first post in awhile, i find it hard to even motivate myself to do the things i used to love doing (like posting on BL). it's just so hard to stay on top of everything and be everywhere all the time.

I'm pretty sure I have social anxiety as well. I've always been quiet and shy, even as a little kid. It's like...I'm embarassed of my mere existence. I hate having to speak loudly or in front of people I don't know. For instance, at work, when I have to call out a name on a to-go order, my heart starts pounding and I get dizzy. I'm so pathetic. But if I'm high or drunk, I never feel this way. I'm actually quite loud and talkative when I'm fucked up! It's like all the the things I want to say but I'm too scared to when I'm sober build up and come cascading out when I've got a couple drinks or pills in me. I hate it. I just want to learn how to be that person without the drugs and alcohol. =(

 

[Captain.Heroin]

Social anxiety is hard to deal with. Have you thought about seeking out therapy?

This is normally the best thing you can do as a starting point.

 

[Ms.Martini]

lol i feel EXACTLY how you feel and i have social anxiety as well, which i'm being medicated for but it doesn't seem to help. anyways, when i got clean, i got a job. and that shit.. is very time consuming. getting a job is a cunt when you have social anxiety, but it's not like you got much of a choice anyway. lol that's the only thing i can think of doing while having NO interests in anything else but drugs.

 

[hebb22]

I feel you... Hope 4 the best

 

[Condumbpope]

My monkeys experience was with mainly alcohol, psychadelics, and now benzos... But he definitely knows what you're talking about Ripple. Hobbies are the answer.