iLoveLucy999
Greenlighter
I'm sure everyone feels like this at some point in their lives...
I wish I can go back in time to when I was a kid and make better decisions. I am still young 24 and ive never had anything super tragic happen to me but yet I'm constantly feel like I fucked up my life with the decisions ive made and feel like I could have made things way easier for myself. Ive always just made excuses for who i am and told myself that this is who im supposed to be and theres nothing i can do about it and i can't change. But its not until its too late that you realize you could have done things different but you chose not to. My life has just been nothing but shame and embarrassment and isolation.
I smoked a lot of wax and maybe some people can handle it but it completely destroyed me. I first started out just smoking weed with friends which started like late 2016 and then I started smoking weed and/or wax everyday like late 2017 up until late 2019 just a few months ago. And I would also consume edible every two weeks or so. I stopped because my mind and my body could not handle it. I was getting real bad sinus problems and I had to take antibiotics and sudafed and stuff like that and then I got really weird stomach problems from those that haven't went away yet and its been like 6 month's and my sinuses are still bothering me.
The past six months have been tough for me. Nothing but stress and discomfort and depression and just wanting to feel normal again. I can't think the same I can't talk the same, I'm always nervous, I can't enjoy the things I used to enjoy and I haven't smoked in months. My everyday life is constantly disrupted by the discomfort and stress and resistance I feel
Smoking really messed with my mind and just made it harder for me to deal with the stress of these physical problems that resulted from it. I'm now just consumed by all the conspiratorial devil mind control thoughts and spiritual contemplations that dominated my thought process that whole time i was smoking. I keep feeling like ive been tricked by the devil and am being tormented by demons or something cuz thats what it feels like. And it pushed me into such a state of guilt and fear and shame that I ended up confessing stuff to certain people that was really personal to me and thought that i would never tell anybody and now I just regret it and wish I had never told them and now I feel like my life is ruined cuz of it and I'm going to be focusing on that my entire life. I thought that if I told these people these personal things about me that I would feel better physically because I thought that I was a bad person for keeping these things to myself and that God was punishing me for it. But of course once I told them nothing changed. I was just left feeling more stupid and defeated than before. And now a very ugly side to me is revealed to people who didn't need to know that about me in the first place.
I haven't had a job in over a year. I had goals that I wanted to achieve with my music and I feel like I could have done so much by now if I hadn't wasted so much time smoking and not caring about my well being and mental health. It made my social anxiety so much worse to the point where I can't even talk to my own family anymore cuz I'm too nervous and it made me not wanna do anything but completely isolate myself and stay in my room all day watching youtube videos.
I had so much potential and extraordinary talent and I feel like so much of that has been taken from me through all of this. I am reduced to such a low state that has me in constant perpetual turmoil and doubt and low self confidence.
All I think about now is how much I want to go back to when I was a kid when things were simpler and more comfortable and I was actually able to enjoy things and feel a sense of calmness. I could have avoided this. But I chose to be stubborn instead. I just hope I heal from this and I can pick up where I left I left off. I hope I get another chance. I haven't felt like myself in years.
I wish I can go back in time to when I was a kid and make better decisions. I am still young 24 and ive never had anything super tragic happen to me but yet I'm constantly feel like I fucked up my life with the decisions ive made and feel like I could have made things way easier for myself. Ive always just made excuses for who i am and told myself that this is who im supposed to be and theres nothing i can do about it and i can't change. But its not until its too late that you realize you could have done things different but you chose not to. My life has just been nothing but shame and embarrassment and isolation.
I smoked a lot of wax and maybe some people can handle it but it completely destroyed me. I first started out just smoking weed with friends which started like late 2016 and then I started smoking weed and/or wax everyday like late 2017 up until late 2019 just a few months ago. And I would also consume edible every two weeks or so. I stopped because my mind and my body could not handle it. I was getting real bad sinus problems and I had to take antibiotics and sudafed and stuff like that and then I got really weird stomach problems from those that haven't went away yet and its been like 6 month's and my sinuses are still bothering me.
The past six months have been tough for me. Nothing but stress and discomfort and depression and just wanting to feel normal again. I can't think the same I can't talk the same, I'm always nervous, I can't enjoy the things I used to enjoy and I haven't smoked in months. My everyday life is constantly disrupted by the discomfort and stress and resistance I feel
Smoking really messed with my mind and just made it harder for me to deal with the stress of these physical problems that resulted from it. I'm now just consumed by all the conspiratorial devil mind control thoughts and spiritual contemplations that dominated my thought process that whole time i was smoking. I keep feeling like ive been tricked by the devil and am being tormented by demons or something cuz thats what it feels like. And it pushed me into such a state of guilt and fear and shame that I ended up confessing stuff to certain people that was really personal to me and thought that i would never tell anybody and now I just regret it and wish I had never told them and now I feel like my life is ruined cuz of it and I'm going to be focusing on that my entire life. I thought that if I told these people these personal things about me that I would feel better physically because I thought that I was a bad person for keeping these things to myself and that God was punishing me for it. But of course once I told them nothing changed. I was just left feeling more stupid and defeated than before. And now a very ugly side to me is revealed to people who didn't need to know that about me in the first place.
I haven't had a job in over a year. I had goals that I wanted to achieve with my music and I feel like I could have done so much by now if I hadn't wasted so much time smoking and not caring about my well being and mental health. It made my social anxiety so much worse to the point where I can't even talk to my own family anymore cuz I'm too nervous and it made me not wanna do anything but completely isolate myself and stay in my room all day watching youtube videos.
I had so much potential and extraordinary talent and I feel like so much of that has been taken from me through all of this. I am reduced to such a low state that has me in constant perpetual turmoil and doubt and low self confidence.
All I think about now is how much I want to go back to when I was a kid when things were simpler and more comfortable and I was actually able to enjoy things and feel a sense of calmness. I could have avoided this. But I chose to be stubborn instead. I just hope I heal from this and I can pick up where I left I left off. I hope I get another chance. I haven't felt like myself in years.
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