JiminiPimini
Bluelighter
today is my day
i will go get a good job
right after i toke
i will go get a good job
right after i toke
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i wanted to share a haiku that i wrote.
- Thread starter JiminiPimini
- Start date
CoffeeDrinker
Bluelighter
I love it!
I'm not going to criticize it, but just give some advice:
The only thing I'd consider is instead of just bluntly stating "today is my day" why not try something slightly more subtle like "the sun rays woke me" or something to that effect. Like use the objects and the senses in the scene more, rather than the thoughts in your head. But I mean, I still love it, there's nothing wrong with this. Just something to consider for future writing, I'm not even saying the thing I came up with is good, but just gets you reflecting whats inside your head by using the objects on the outside of your head that you choose to highlight. That's what the old Japanese haiku writers used to do.
I'm not going to criticize it, but just give some advice:
The only thing I'd consider is instead of just bluntly stating "today is my day" why not try something slightly more subtle like "the sun rays woke me" or something to that effect. Like use the objects and the senses in the scene more, rather than the thoughts in your head. But I mean, I still love it, there's nothing wrong with this. Just something to consider for future writing, I'm not even saying the thing I came up with is good, but just gets you reflecting whats inside your head by using the objects on the outside of your head that you choose to highlight. That's what the old Japanese haiku writers used to do.