So, I'm pretty much destroyed. I'm more depressed than I've ever been, and I feel worse every day. I have motivation to get things done, but I'm just constantly said and in pain, and everything feels pointless and overwhelming.
Let me explain. When I was a teenager, I was diagnosed with obsessive compulsive disorder, agoraphobia, social anxiety disorder, and chronic depression. My mother's kind of off... So basically, I'm the perfect target for someone with BPD.
I met my BPD ex over two years ago, and you know how the story goes. The beginning of the relationship was amazing. She's the most beautiful woman I've ever met, she was my idea of perfection. Everything I've ever wanted in a partner. We had a whirlwind romance, I moved her in with me believing I was "rescuing" her from her problems.
She became increasingly disappointed and disillusioned with me. Early on, things were mostly good. She'd have crying fits about missing home, or she'd fake illnesses or claim to see ghosts or whatever, but we didn't really have many arguments. Then we had one huge one, and her family was there the next day with a U-Haul.
She was gone for a month, but we still talked nearly every day, and a month later she moved back in with me.
Three months later, she had me in total devaluation mode. Everything I did enraged her, I could do nothing right in her eyes. She became violent verbally and physically. Her favorite thing to do to hurt me was throwing her engagement ring at me. She'd get enraged with me for not putting on my seat belt, or opening the fridge, or my cats being on a counter, anything at all. And then she left me again. I don't want to get into specifics, but it was explosive, violent, and painful, but ended with me giving her a hug and a kiss, and sobbing as she drove away.
So we went back to long-distance. We saw eachother every month. I spent every penny I had -and I didn't have many- to see her and spend time with her. The trips would be good 90% of the time, but she'd still have moments where she just hated me and became enraged seemingly for no reason. I remember one time she wanted to take her dog for a walk, and as I got up to go with her I grabbed my vitamins and said "I should take one now real quick before I go out." Didn't take me but two seconds, but she was enraged I stopped to do it for some reason.
Things continued to deteriorate, and she'd dump me every few days. She'd block me from everything online, and remove me as her boyfriend on everything. Time would pass, and she'd unblock me and add me back, and apologize. Every time it happened the time between being cut off got shorter. By her count she did it 13 times, by my count it was more like 200.
Sometimes she'd contact me with a crisis to get me to talk to her again. She'd have a pregnancy scare from our last visit, or she'd tell me a bizarre, cryptic story about a rape (she's claimed to have been raped or sexually assaulted by 11 people.) Or she'd tell me she was cutting again, and needed me to stop her, or she'd tried to kill herself.
During those months, she'd blackballed me with every one of her friends and family. A couple of times they'd contact me and tell mer her accusations. Usually her stories were extreme versions of true events. Like me once asking "How come I'm the only one who seems to believe you? Why haven't any of your friends or family wanted you to pursue charges against your attackers?" was transformed in retellings into "No one loves you or cares about you." So she had dozens of voices telling her I was a loser and not worth her time.
A couple weeks ago, I couldn't take the abuse anymore. For the first time, I blocked her back. She'd said some nasty things. Told me she cared about everyone but me, insulted me, and blocked me. And of course when I went and checked, she'd deleted me as her boyfriend yet again. In the past when I'd brought this up with her she claimed to have no idea why that hurt my feelings. I wanted it to stop, so I said this time I'm doing it back, and I blocked her back on everything.
She threatened suicide, her parents nearly had her committed again. One of her friends messaged me pleading with me to unblock her. I did, and I gave her an ultimatum, but by then she'd left. Decided I'd "given up" on her. Then she met some new guy. She told me he was just a friend, and they weren't dating, but they'd flirted, and she really liked him, and they got along really well, and he was interested in her. Basically she described him the way she described me when we first met. This was terrifying, and hurt me immensely. I knew where this was going.
Things calmed down for a day, but she informed me she was still talking to him. I told her I didn't like that and would prefer she not flirt with other guys. She told me if I'm making her choose, she chose him because he wasn't making her choose who to talk to.
A couple days passed, and she really let me have it. She was having another pregnancy scare and was all over the place. Threatening to induce a miscarriage, telling me if she has it I'll never get to see my child because I'm not fit to be a father, etc.
It hurt because, while a lot of the stuff she said was just meant to hurt me, a lot of it was true. I am a loser. I am unaccomplished. She does have plenty to be disappointed about with me. I don't have the money to support her, much less her and a child, and she was upset that I'm basically unemployed on social security while she's going to school and working a job. Also she transferred a lot of anger she had towards her father onto me.
So I told her I was trying desperately to improve myself. To fix everything and be worhty of her, and she just said "You've had two years to do that. You haven't done shit. Why should I believe you now?" and kept tearing into me. Then in the midst of the argument, she said "[other guy's name] says you're a toxic influence and I shouldn't talk to you. I agree with him."
I was just completely and utterly crushed at this point, but just as angry. I told her this was the final betrayal. She was choosing another man over me. I told her I loved her and felt she'd regret her decision, but I couldn't put up with the abuse anymore. That she was a bully and behaved just like her father did. And then, I went all out. I blocked her on everything but my phone. I did to her what she'd done to me so many times. Completely cut off on everything. Changed my relationship status on old dating sites. Blocked her friends.
I just wanted her to realize she'd gone too far and snap back to idealization, just so I could get some of my control back. I wanted her to respect me and realize what she was doing wasn't acceptable. I also believed I could improve myself, fix my problems so she wouldn't have anything to complain about and would perhaps, maybe take me back once some time apart had taken her out of devaluation mode...
...But six days have now passed, and she's made no attempt to contact me. The most she did was, yesterday she posted a bunch of stuff on her tumblr that suggested she missed me. Lots of reblogs of the song "Goodbye My Lover". She still hasn't changed her status anywhere to suggest she's with the new guy though.
Then, as if she realized I'd checked her tumblr (she told me she could see my IP when I did) the emotional messages stopped. Then she posted one that said "When you figure out what you want, call me." That could be meant for me, that could be for the new guy, hell it could just be a reference to something.
I want her back so badly. She's the only reason I'm trying to improve my life. I love her more than anything. I have a huge list of goals for self-improvement, and I just figured I'd wait until I knocked some off to contact her, but I'm terrified she's just done with me and moved on to the new guy.
My mother and grandmother both suggest I should just keep ignoring her, and given time, she'll show up at my door.
If I cave and unblock her, the power is back in her hands. She'll just continue to insult and degrade me and tell me I have no say in what she does or who she talks to and that I'm not worth anything.
What should I do? Is she gone for good? How do I get her back? I know you're probably going to say I should move on or I shouldn't want her, but I do. I'm crazy about her. How do I get her back?
Let me explain. When I was a teenager, I was diagnosed with obsessive compulsive disorder, agoraphobia, social anxiety disorder, and chronic depression. My mother's kind of off... So basically, I'm the perfect target for someone with BPD.
I met my BPD ex over two years ago, and you know how the story goes. The beginning of the relationship was amazing. She's the most beautiful woman I've ever met, she was my idea of perfection. Everything I've ever wanted in a partner. We had a whirlwind romance, I moved her in with me believing I was "rescuing" her from her problems.
She became increasingly disappointed and disillusioned with me. Early on, things were mostly good. She'd have crying fits about missing home, or she'd fake illnesses or claim to see ghosts or whatever, but we didn't really have many arguments. Then we had one huge one, and her family was there the next day with a U-Haul.
She was gone for a month, but we still talked nearly every day, and a month later she moved back in with me.
Three months later, she had me in total devaluation mode. Everything I did enraged her, I could do nothing right in her eyes. She became violent verbally and physically. Her favorite thing to do to hurt me was throwing her engagement ring at me. She'd get enraged with me for not putting on my seat belt, or opening the fridge, or my cats being on a counter, anything at all. And then she left me again. I don't want to get into specifics, but it was explosive, violent, and painful, but ended with me giving her a hug and a kiss, and sobbing as she drove away.
So we went back to long-distance. We saw eachother every month. I spent every penny I had -and I didn't have many- to see her and spend time with her. The trips would be good 90% of the time, but she'd still have moments where she just hated me and became enraged seemingly for no reason. I remember one time she wanted to take her dog for a walk, and as I got up to go with her I grabbed my vitamins and said "I should take one now real quick before I go out." Didn't take me but two seconds, but she was enraged I stopped to do it for some reason.
Things continued to deteriorate, and she'd dump me every few days. She'd block me from everything online, and remove me as her boyfriend on everything. Time would pass, and she'd unblock me and add me back, and apologize. Every time it happened the time between being cut off got shorter. By her count she did it 13 times, by my count it was more like 200.
Sometimes she'd contact me with a crisis to get me to talk to her again. She'd have a pregnancy scare from our last visit, or she'd tell me a bizarre, cryptic story about a rape (she's claimed to have been raped or sexually assaulted by 11 people.) Or she'd tell me she was cutting again, and needed me to stop her, or she'd tried to kill herself.
During those months, she'd blackballed me with every one of her friends and family. A couple of times they'd contact me and tell mer her accusations. Usually her stories were extreme versions of true events. Like me once asking "How come I'm the only one who seems to believe you? Why haven't any of your friends or family wanted you to pursue charges against your attackers?" was transformed in retellings into "No one loves you or cares about you." So she had dozens of voices telling her I was a loser and not worth her time.
A couple weeks ago, I couldn't take the abuse anymore. For the first time, I blocked her back. She'd said some nasty things. Told me she cared about everyone but me, insulted me, and blocked me. And of course when I went and checked, she'd deleted me as her boyfriend yet again. In the past when I'd brought this up with her she claimed to have no idea why that hurt my feelings. I wanted it to stop, so I said this time I'm doing it back, and I blocked her back on everything.
She threatened suicide, her parents nearly had her committed again. One of her friends messaged me pleading with me to unblock her. I did, and I gave her an ultimatum, but by then she'd left. Decided I'd "given up" on her. Then she met some new guy. She told me he was just a friend, and they weren't dating, but they'd flirted, and she really liked him, and they got along really well, and he was interested in her. Basically she described him the way she described me when we first met. This was terrifying, and hurt me immensely. I knew where this was going.
Things calmed down for a day, but she informed me she was still talking to him. I told her I didn't like that and would prefer she not flirt with other guys. She told me if I'm making her choose, she chose him because he wasn't making her choose who to talk to.
A couple days passed, and she really let me have it. She was having another pregnancy scare and was all over the place. Threatening to induce a miscarriage, telling me if she has it I'll never get to see my child because I'm not fit to be a father, etc.
It hurt because, while a lot of the stuff she said was just meant to hurt me, a lot of it was true. I am a loser. I am unaccomplished. She does have plenty to be disappointed about with me. I don't have the money to support her, much less her and a child, and she was upset that I'm basically unemployed on social security while she's going to school and working a job. Also she transferred a lot of anger she had towards her father onto me.
So I told her I was trying desperately to improve myself. To fix everything and be worhty of her, and she just said "You've had two years to do that. You haven't done shit. Why should I believe you now?" and kept tearing into me. Then in the midst of the argument, she said "[other guy's name] says you're a toxic influence and I shouldn't talk to you. I agree with him."
I was just completely and utterly crushed at this point, but just as angry. I told her this was the final betrayal. She was choosing another man over me. I told her I loved her and felt she'd regret her decision, but I couldn't put up with the abuse anymore. That she was a bully and behaved just like her father did. And then, I went all out. I blocked her on everything but my phone. I did to her what she'd done to me so many times. Completely cut off on everything. Changed my relationship status on old dating sites. Blocked her friends.
I just wanted her to realize she'd gone too far and snap back to idealization, just so I could get some of my control back. I wanted her to respect me and realize what she was doing wasn't acceptable. I also believed I could improve myself, fix my problems so she wouldn't have anything to complain about and would perhaps, maybe take me back once some time apart had taken her out of devaluation mode...
...But six days have now passed, and she's made no attempt to contact me. The most she did was, yesterday she posted a bunch of stuff on her tumblr that suggested she missed me. Lots of reblogs of the song "Goodbye My Lover". She still hasn't changed her status anywhere to suggest she's with the new guy though.
Then, as if she realized I'd checked her tumblr (she told me she could see my IP when I did) the emotional messages stopped. Then she posted one that said "When you figure out what you want, call me." That could be meant for me, that could be for the new guy, hell it could just be a reference to something.
I want her back so badly. She's the only reason I'm trying to improve my life. I love her more than anything. I have a huge list of goals for self-improvement, and I just figured I'd wait until I knocked some off to contact her, but I'm terrified she's just done with me and moved on to the new guy.
My mother and grandmother both suggest I should just keep ignoring her, and given time, she'll show up at my door.
If I cave and unblock her, the power is back in her hands. She'll just continue to insult and degrade me and tell me I have no say in what she does or who she talks to and that I'm not worth anything.
What should I do? Is she gone for good? How do I get her back? I know you're probably going to say I should move on or I shouldn't want her, but I do. I'm crazy about her. How do I get her back?
