Niksput, Thank you veryy much for your thoughts, research, and input! Taking the time to respond, understanding, and just your overall help, without any pun intended, means a lot man. Thanks, I greatly appreciate it.
I took the Valium sublingually, && swallowed the tramadol. As well as a clonidine.
&& then I was soo sick, realizing how much my mind was made up, convinced that I was going to do this regardless, I got frustrated realizing how bad this was all effecting me and my mentality, so frusttated with myself, I even broke the tip off my last rig.
I, however, did get a new one..lol.. but no plans to use it at the moment.
I really appreciate everyones advice, thoughts and input. I greatly appreciate it. I was in rough shape. I am currently 25 years old, with a beautiful girl, the mother of our handsome 4 year old boy. She did nothing for the first 4-5 years we were together.. besides occasional Extacy woth me (See 'Gs Up Hoes down' trip report of mine, very detailed, amazing).. She watched me battle addiction fo many years. I caused her soo much pain, that I wish I could take back. Eventually, a month before my son was born, I checkd into rehab amd emded up being on meyhadone for 3 yrs. 110mg. Well that was its own demon, and I still didnt quite find myself, realize what I had and as sad as it is to say, realize how inlove i truly was with her.. I ended up cheating.. That crushed her the worstt.. && it crushed me too, just comfirmed even more how deeply I loved her.. well, at the emd of 11', we broke up for the firstt time in 5 years. It crushed us both. && this girl who did nothing, went from doing nothing to i.v dilaudid with airl "friend" of hers. She got locked in.. i developed a hatred towards drugs.. detoxed of methadone.. was totally clean besides herb, 6 months. I couldnt stand what I just seen happen. This beautifulll, I mean amazing, smart girl, so unconditionally devoted to me, after everuthing i put her thru.. it killed me. Well when we got back together May of 2012, she was on suboxone. I noticed signs here n there of needle use.. two weeks in, we were doing so amazomg.. but i sat her down to talk and ask her about this. She was honest with me amd told me about iv 'ing her sub. I was dumb founded, didnt even know you could.. well got curious.. figured one good night with my girl... turned into every few days, every day. Plus she emded up on fove different scripts a month, welbute 150 and 300s, vyvanse 60s, addy 30s, plus suboxone amd occasional other jumk.. all ibd. It got bad. We both wanted to be clean nut just couldnt get it together, together. I felt if I didnt do something, i wouldnt make it much further.. Mu life was a mess. So i decided in oct 2013, that okay, i would leave, go detox and come back so she could go detox, amd i can take care of our boy (who is very healthy and well taken care of, honestly!), handle everything while shes gone or in bed. Well, two weeks clean into novber, she wasmt ready, didnt meam meet me in the middle.. and I couldnt put myself back there, in that lifestyle. She wemt a differemt path, i t crushed me. Afterall i was doing this for my son and family as well as myself. So when i figured that out, that it wasnt happening with her right now.. i saod fuck it, whays wrong with literallyy a mg or two of sub a day if its gonna help me right now?? A lot beyyer then two strips plus all the other scripts amd shi got with money.. so i started back up w that but limited it. Mg or two. Thats usually it. Ots really a sad story and now, shes just not the same girl. Ive changed my ways, have never cheated since, i would neverrr hurt her, but she is full of negativity and he lifestyle, for my sake, i cant live it.. we are still commited.. as far as i can tell anyways.. she never has cheated on me.. i would post a pic of us.. if acceptible.. but we are still living seperately. I did howver just had my son, my handsome lil man for a little over a week amd when i broight him home, i came home to a noce clean home, and my sexy lady waiting, wanting me to stay a couple nights. A couple nights turned into 5, we did do some ampetamine, regular sub, and it was amaxing. Amazingg week with my fami. I could tell changes were being made.. but i made the decision to leave after 5 nights because i knew it was for the best right now. Work on ourselves, get stable, do things like this for now.. reunite in spring..
It's reallyy hard and honestly, thats kind of the "short" version of my story. Iy has been really hard these last couple years. 7 years, this girl has been myy girl. The mother of my son. She could do much better, if only based on looks alone, she really is beautiful, but to add in her personaloty.. shes a keeper.. but right now, stuck in a vicious cycle and very muh with a negative mind frame. When she is ready, she knows the resources are there for her and I support her 110, like she did me.. and for my family, I would do anything. Everyone gets to it at their own pace i gues
Thank you all very much again for your support and feedback!! I finally snapped out of it.
&& tommyboy, I was thinking nail police remover with the acetone, proplyene glycol(sp? ) or what not may be of some use or what not, where non water soluble, etc. I wasnt sure if it could be of use. Either way, those are the choices I made, thanks to the advice and input, stubborness and mentality awaken. Boy i was frustrated..lol. 2013 sure was a rough year.
Thanks again everyone,
- Retrospect
