I told my parents that I am a drug addict

[blacklight29]

Last night I told my parents that I am addicted to Oxycodone and it rocked their world. My mom especially. The news completely blindsided her and I now feel extremely guilty for putting this kind of grief on them. They know the devastating effects of the addiction but they never suspected that I have ever touched a pill. I have been doing Oxycodone for a little less than 3 years now. As most everyone’s story begins, it started with just using recreationally on weekends and then in the last 2 years it has gotten pretty bad. I would go on stretches where I’d snort 120mg daily for 4-5 straight days. My job requires me to travel year round on the weekends so I would stop doing them for 3-4 days at a time then pick right back up and begin using again when I returned. I have tried to quit a hundred times over the last 2 years because I know that I am so fucked if I don’t. I am 27 years old. I have a great career. Never been arrested. Good reputation. No one else knows that I have this problem. I have everything going for me except the fact that I feel the need to snort Oxy when I am home. When I am on the road, I feel no need for it at all as I would have no way of getting it, but as soon as I hit the runway in my hometown, it’s like clockwork and my mind starts craving it. I am on Day 3 of being clean after telling myself I’ll never use again. I am going through horrible physical withdrawal as well as the mental torture of knowing that my parents now know about my problem. My mom is numb and totally in shock. I feel horrible that I told her this about me. Two years ago, I thought there was no way that it would come to the point where I’d have to tell her. We have a great relationship and she loves me so much. But she has the look of defeat in her eye now. Please tell me there is hope. I firmly believe I am never going to use again, but I am scared to death of myself because I know once the physical part is gone, the rubber hits the road with the mental and it’s going to take everything I have in me to finally rid myself of this disease forever. I have a knot in my stomach because part of me thinks that I am fucked for life.

 

[simco]

Hey, Blacklight... welcome! And congrats on deciding to kick the Oxy.

You're right that things will continue to be tough even after the physical WDs end. Do you have any ideas for how you'll approach the challenge of abstaining from opioids? Like you, I tried to quit (heroin in my case) many, many times, and at this point I'm still fairly early in the process. But I definitely concluded that having some structure and some concrete plans for handling the emotional roller coaster of recovery is crucial. What kind of structure you choose--whether it's NA, having a list of people who you can (and *do*) talk to about your recovery, an exercise regimen, or all of the above and more--is completely up to you; it's a hugely personal choice. But I do think it's a very tough road if we try rely too much on improvisation or bring half-measures. Feel free to ask for more concrete suggestions (lots of folks on this forum will have great ideas).

As for your folks, you may be surprised. In my own case, I went for 3 1/2 years, hiding my addiction from my dad. When I finally did tell him, of course there was initially a lot of shock. But since then, the whole thing has brought us closer together. As part of my recovery, he and I talk on the phone at least weekly. And we talk about real stuff, not just the usual 'hi, how are you.' All in all, including him in my recovery has really deepened our relationship. Of course, we can't predict how any given case will turn out. But I never would have guessed that my recovery would bring me and my dad closer together. You may be surprised too!

Let us know how we can help.

 

[PantyRaiders]

There is plenty of hope.

I'm older than you and have anything you could ask for in life.... great career, wife, kids, great house...

I was probably averaging about 240mg a year ago and I've been clean for 10 months.

All I can really say is get out now. I wish I could've stopped at your level. Trust me, it will only get worse. I will also echo what you've undoubtedly read many times before ...... you won't quit until you want to .... that's the only way it worked for me.
Wife, kids, family, etc. - they can't make you stop.

In my case , the withdrawals were the easy part compared to the anxiety and depression that followed

 

[mrsnowygrainius]

I truly believe in the saying "time heals all wounds" so yea there is hope...

The most important thing you can do is educate your parents, they need to learn that you have an illness and NOT a moral failure, because thats probably what they think of you- that you are weak, and choose to get high... thats ignorance. Tell them its not like you choose to live this way.

Back in the day when I was 17 and first told my parents that I was a heroin addict, they were absolutely shocked, but over time they learned all about the illness, So thats the best thing you can do, take your parents to an AA/ NA meeting, show them articles online, anything, just teach them about it so they will not be ignorant anymore

 

[woamotive]

Telling them was a huge step in starting to get better. I told my parents around the again of 27 also. I think they suspected before but it wasnt until I told them (or...showed them, in my case. I went to the er for an abscess) that they knew 100% for sure.

Now that they know, I am held accountable in so many ways. Things got harder for awhile (like no more financial help) but in time got Better. I am 31yrs old now and have 3 months off of heroin (im in a suboxone maintenance program). Do what you need to do to get clean. We are here for you.

 

[cj]

They may be in shock now but you made the right decision by telling them I think. Addiction is a disease of secrets and loneliness. You took the first step towards recovery but you now have to keep taking steps. Get a therapist who you can talk about this with. Its completely confidential so you don't have to worry about your job finding out. You need to get to the root of what makes you feel like you need oxy to function. You also should delete the numbers for your dealers and try to cut off anyone you use with for at least a little while. You don't have to be rude about it just become less available. I also suggest you try to throw yourself into a hobby you enjoy as boredom is the number 1 relapse causer in people without a crippling physical addiction. Yourlucky that it doesn't sound like your physically addicted since you can go on the road and not take it.

Overall it sounds like this is a great time to quit before you start getting real consequences from your use.

 

[Moreaux]

Welcome to Bluelight! You made a very wise decision by telling your parents and are on your way to recovery. Please don't feel guilty, life happens. Your parents needed to know and will now be aware of what's going on an can support you on your path to heath. I was a functioning addict as well and have to say it is not a sustainable model, eventually everything starts to unravel. While getting sober is not easy it is definitely doable and be the best thing for you and your career. You will most likely become closer to your family as a result which is also very gratifying. Good luck!

 

[herbavore]

One thing that I wish I had as a parent when my son first told me was a better understanding of addiction. I have now been studying it for five years Many of the things I believed initially were false or at least only partial truths. One thing that I suggest is reading for both you and your parents-research every thing you can about addiction and when you find a good book or a good article, share it with them. You are really in this together and the more everyone can step outside of their own emotional responses and get factual information the better the emotional responses become.

Please do not feel badly about causing your parents grief. Kids worry so much about this but as a parent I can tell you that the most grief I ever felt was when I felt one of my kids did not trust me enough to tell me what was going on when I knew that something was. Of course your parents are scared--just like you are. But you can all be support for each other and actually deepen your bond if you make authentic communication your top priority.You were very brave to tell them and underneath their fear I'm sure that there is respect as well.

One of the things that I see over and over here on Bluelight, and that my own son was able to describe for me so well, was the "fuck it, I already ruined my life" state of mind that slides you right back into using. It sounds like you are prepared to face that and facing it is what it will take. For myself, I had to face that I actually got something out of being a victim. It was scary to be fierce on my own behalf, to stand up to my own learned comfort thoughts that held me always in the same state of anxiety and depression. It was way easier to blame others and to blame my life because I was afraid to blame myself. It turns out that blaming yourself is just as destructive whereas accepting responsibility for yourself without the shame and blame component is the most freeing thing a human being can ever do. We do not get taught how to do this in modern culture.

 

[starting_over]

How are you doing blacklight?

It might take time but hopefully your parents will understand if there is open communication between everyone. Keep us updated.

 

[blacklight29]

I’m doing fine. Day 4 of being clean and just nervous about the anxiety that’s setting in and the cravings that are sure to come. I know I am going to withstand them because I have to. But I just hope that I will one day be free and at peace and not crave the feeling oxy gives me

 

[cj]

I’m doing fine. Day 4 of being clean and just nervous about the anxiety that’s setting in and the cravings that are sure to come. I know I am going to withstand them because I have to. But I just hope that I will one day be free and at peace and not crave the feeling oxy gives me

That's good. What are you planning to do when the cravings hit? You need to have some concrete plans that can be put into action when your brain is telling you a bunch of lies.

 

[blacklight29]

I have no idea man. I am scared to death of myself. My mom is scared also and she just doesn't look at me the same anymore. That is just more anxiety for me.

 

[tired of crap]

I can relate to your story in some ways..
My Mom was devastated when she found out that I used drugs...
She got over it and your parents will too.
That's a lot for them to take in especially if they arent expecting it. Presumably they dont know much about oxy, or addiction, as others have said.
Hopefully they will take the time to understand both before being passing judgement. Depending on your level of openness this may be something you can help.
Counseling helped my family to undertsand, I think, but it has its pros and cons.

I cant relate to oxy, alcohol has been my addiction for the past 8 years now (at varying frequencies and consumption levels - admittedly not as bad as most though).
I can relate to the anxiety though.
Physical activity, yoga and (mindfulness/insight) meditation helped me through the first couple of weeks when my anxiety was the worst.
I think that if the compulsive nature of addicts to use can be effectively channeled into positive behavior long term success is more likely.
I found developing a daily routine that incorporated all these thing very helpful.

Im only at the start of week 3 haha but my general level of anxiety has tapered off significantly.
There are moments though were it hits hard but through meditative techniques I am able to manage to come out the other side without using - when previously I would simply reach for alcohol.
Others have commented that it is unreasonable for me to expected significant relief from these activities in the short term; they are more good habits that promote general well being in the long term.

I will leave you with this though...
One thing meditation has taught me is that these feelings come and go. Try not to hold onto them or associate them with being who you are.
Be aware of them, be compassionate and try to understand them
The rising of these emotions (and cravings) are outside of our control, but the degree to which we relate to them determines our degree of being trapped or of being free

 

[cj]

I have no idea man. I am scared to death of myself. My mom is scared also and she just doesn't look at me the same anymore. That is just more anxiety for me.

Its only been a couple days bro. Don't get too worked up about what your parents think. I suggest you hit up an NA meeting and get a few peoples phone numbers so you can call if your having a craving. Or if your not down with that call a close friend when your having cravings. Being scared is natural but your not a deep into this as you think you are IMO. Its not like you pawned everything you owned and stole your moms wedding ring you dig?

I think you need to get some professional counseling in order to get a neutral party you can confide in. Its good you told your parents but from there reaction its best you don't get too deep into your phyche with them. After all they are not proffesionals either.

Give this article a read and maybe share it with your parents. It helped my parents understand what I went through a little better.
http://projects.huffingtonpost.com/dying-to-be-free-heroin-treatment?utm_source=scoopinion

 

[Moreaux]

I have no idea man. I am scared to death of myself. My mom is scared also and she just doesn't look at me the same anymore. That is just more anxiety for me.

Please don't entertain thoughts regarding how your parents will view you, this is just compounding the issue and causing a lot of unnecessary anxiety. I realize this is much easier said than don't, but when you begin having those houghts acknowledge them and focus on something else - force yourself.

Herbavore speaks the truth from the perspective of a parent. To a parent there is nothing more important than the health and happiness of their child - that is the main goal. Life happens and there are bad times, this happens to everyone. Your Parents seem very open and understanding and are putting you as a person as the priority- you are very fortunate. While this is new and there is a lot of momentum use this opportunity to educate yourself and your parents about addiction - this will make the process easier for all of you and will increase your chances of success. Consider therapy - group/family and also individual as there is a lot to work through and it's better for everybody to understand their feelings. With respect to feelings, there are no "bad" feelings - everybody is allowed to feel what they do and it's far more productive to take the time and analyze the feelings to better understand where they are coming from and why, as this will help keep progress moving forward instead of stagnating or going backwards.

I am an only child and have no children of my own and I would like to share my experience. My parents always had high expectations for me so when they found out I was an addict we were all devastated and I felt like a failure and a piece of crap. I was a chronic relapser which only increased my negative feelings. I ruminated for years about what a disappointment I was to my parents, and even now have to push those thoughts back at times. What really helped all of us to begin to recover was learning about addiction, and counseling, and for my parents - ALNON. While they didn't agree with many aspects of ALNON it did give them the opportunity to speak with other parents who were in a similar situation and this was invaluable in their healing and understanding of the situation. Of course my parents would prefer that I not be an addict, hey have zero control to change that aspect as do I. They have learned that this is not a situation where judgement is appropriate, only being understanding and tolerant as it is sad for all of us. They have also learned that life is about finding peace and happiness and everybody has their own unique path.

Unfortunately our society measures success on superficial factors such as wealth, status, and career. I had a stellar career that they used to brag about to whomever would listen, however, I hated that career and it was killing me quickly. No doubt had I not quit I would be dead now. I am currently redefining what I want to be when I grow up at 40, and most likely it will be in the mental health field as from experiences my passion now lies helping other adults find their path to recovery as I firmly believe a major part of recovery is sharing with others in that situation through shared experience as textbooks fail to address how to deal with many aspects of recovering from addiction. I digress. My parents have accepted the fact that I may not have an impressive career with respect to status, but they have realized that if what I'm doing in life (all areas) gives me peace, purpose, and satisfaction then that is all that matters. They don't judge. I suspect your parents will be similar.

Addiction is not a death sentence nor is it a deal breaker for success. It is perfectly possible to recover and have a high level career and achieve your dreams in life. Once your parents realize this many of their concerns will be alleviated.

 

[Jabberwocky]

One thing that I wish I had as a parent when my son first told me was a better understanding of addiction. I have now been studying it for five years Many of the things I believed initially were false or at least only partial truths. One thing that I suggest is reading for both you and your parents-research every thing you can about addiction and when you find a good book or a good article, share it with them. You are really in this together and the more everyone can step outside of their own emotional responses and get factual information the better the emotional responses become.

Please do not feel badly about causing your parents grief. Kids worry so much about this but as a parent I can tell you that the most grief I ever felt was when I felt one of my kids did not trust me enough to tell me what was going on when I knew that something was. Of course your parents are scared--just like you are. But you can all be support for each other and actually deepen your bond if you make authentic communication your top priority.You were very brave to tell them and underneath their fear I'm sure that there is respect as well.

One of the things that I see over and over here on Bluelight, and that my own son was able to describe for me so well, was the "fuck it, I already ruined my life" state of mind that slides you right back into using. It sounds like you are prepared to face that and facing it is what it will take. For myself, I had to face that I actually got something out of being a victim. It was scary to be fierce on my own behalf, to stand up to my own learned comfort thoughts that held me always in the same state of anxiety and depression. It was way easier to blame others and to blame my life because I was afraid to blame myself. It turns out that blaming yourself is just as destructive whereas accepting responsibility for yourself without the shame and blame component is the most freeing thing a human being can ever do. We do not get taught how to do this in modern culture.

From the perspective of someone who uses substances, to educate myself about addiction and substance use I have found certain books to be very helpful (Chasing the Scream, The New Jim Crow, Unbroken Brain, Help at Any Cost, High Price, In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts, A Small Book About Drugs and Creating the American Junkie).

I feel like, in particular, Unbroken Brain and Help at Any Cost would be of most utility in the OP's case, not to mention A Small Book About Drugs. Actually, I think the latter is probably the best of all these books to help the OP's and their family get a better grasp on this.

Herby, what books have you found helpful in understanding substance use and addiction, from the perspective of a parent?

 

[cj]

my mom raved about how good 'A Beautiful Boy" By David Scheff was and my mom is not a reader nor an intellectual. I tried to read it but it didn't click with me then again I am not a parent. I cant imagine my favorite book on addiction ''Trainspotting'' would click with her. The main thing I caution against is letting so called treatment professionals get between you and your family. They will tell your parents that any contact with you while your using is somehow going to keep you using. Look up the term enabling so your not blind sided when that word gets thrown around. Keep your job and your finances healthy and separate from your parents. Don't let them talk you into quitting your job and becoming a child again. I see that all too often and it further breaks down whatever healthy family dynamic was there before. Remember that this is still your life and you get to call the shots don't cede that to a rehab or a family member. I have seen so many people relapse just to regain some sense of control of there lives and its sad but drug treatment is still in the dark ages to some extent.

 

[blacklight29]

thank you everyone. i am on day 7 of being clean right now. today was easily the best day i have had since deciding to get off oxy. yesterday i woke up feeling great, i finally had an appetite and ate a good breakfast. it was my fourth straight morning waking up at my parents house down the street as opposed to my apartment, as staying at my parents has provided me with a since of relief knowing that they know i am not using as well as it decreases my cravings to use. when i got to my apartment yesterday morning, however, major anxiety hit me as that is the place where i have used so much over the last 2 years and i havent really been there much since i confessed to my parents and quit using oxy a week ago. so when i got to my apartment, i saw the desk i have used on many times, i saw my bed where i have went to sleep high on so many nights. all of this combined with nothing other than an NA meeting on my schedule for the remainder of the day gave me severe anxiety because i would typically succumb to using on a day with nothing to do. i know that it is part of the withdrawel but my brain kept telling me that there is no hope for a happy and free life after drugs. i worked out and ran and sat in the steam room to try and rid the knot in my stomach but it still stayed there. around 6pm, i had plans with friends that i almost canceled due to my anxiety but i figured i might as well go and see what happens. i surprisingly had a good time. for the last 2 years, i have felt the need to use before any kind of social event. i felt that it increased my confidence, made me quicker and funnier and overall more pleasurable to be around. last night was a big step for me mentally because i was in a social setting and felt comfortable in my own skin, without the crutch of oxy or without the temptation to go pick up any. the anxiety i had been having all day suddenly disappeared. i know deep down that i am a better version of myself without being high but i still get major anxiety at the thought of never using again. i think the anxiety is caused by the fear i have of relapsing and what it will do to me mentally, as well as the realization that if all goes according to plan, i will never feel the feeling that oxy gives me. even though i know deep down that it is the worst thing for me

 

[cj]

I am glad your feeling better. Your lucky that you decided to stop before you started getting serious physical withdrawals. Otherwise that first week would have been a misery a cannot even describe.

 

[simco]

thank you everyone. i am on day 7 of being clean right now. today was easily the best day i have had since deciding to get off oxy. yesterday i woke up feeling great, i finally had an appetite and ate a good breakfast. it was my fourth straight morning waking up at my parents house down the street as opposed to my apartment, as staying at my parents has provided me with a since of relief knowing that they know i am not using as well as it decreases my cravings to use. when i got to my apartment yesterday morning, however, major anxiety hit me as that is the place where i have used so much over the last 2 years and i havent really been there much since i confessed to my parents and quit using oxy a week ago. so when i got to my apartment, i saw the desk i have used on many times, i saw my bed where i have went to sleep high on so many nights. all of this combined with nothing other than an NA meeting on my schedule for the remainder of the day gave me severe anxiety because i would typically succumb to using on a day with nothing to do. i know that it is part of the withdrawel but my brain kept telling me that there is no hope for a happy and free life after drugs. i worked out and ran and sat in the steam room to try and rid the knot in my stomach but it still stayed there. around 6pm, i had plans with friends that i almost canceled due to my anxiety but i figured i might as well go and see what happens. i surprisingly had a good time. for the last 2 years, i have felt the need to use before any kind of social event. i felt that it increased my confidence, made me quicker and funnier and overall more pleasurable to be around. last night was a big step for me mentally because i was in a social setting and felt comfortable in my own skin, without the crutch of oxy or without the temptation to go pick up any. the anxiety i had been having all day suddenly disappeared. i know deep down that i am a better version of myself without being high but i still get major anxiety at the thought of never using again. i think the anxiety is caused by the fear i have of relapsing and what it will do to me mentally, as well as the realization that if all goes according to plan, i will never feel the feeling that oxy gives me. even though i know deep down that it is the worst thing for me

Wow, it sounds like you handled all of the REALLY well. Congratulations! Seriously, that was several tough things, all stacked on top of each other. Excellent going. FWIW, I had to get rid of a couple pieces of furniture b/c they were just too tied up with using. Getting rid of them did help.

Also, I totally feel you about those panicky "I'll never get to use again" feelings. I'm afraid I don't have much wisdom to offer there, except: It sounds corny, but when I'm feeling like that, I really cling to the whole "one day at a time" mantra. It doesn't make the ghosts go away, but I do find that I can quiet them down that way. You don't have to worry about quitting forever. You really don't. Drugs will always be there; all we can do is to do our best right now.


Sim