Mental Health I thought it was over :(

[King-Anubis]

Four months ago, after 9 years of depression my psychiatrist finally decided that my depression wasn't part of my psychosis and thus not treatable with antipsychotics. He let me decide on an antidepressant. I did some research and went with fluoxetine. He put me on the highest dose (which I titrated up to over two weeks). He told me to keep an eye out for mania.

So I started taking them, and it was a week before I noticed anything. Within a fortnight I felt better. It wasn't mania levels of happiness, just normal. Like, I was happy. I had more self confidence, and most importantly I got through my days without even the slightest thought of suicide.

That lasted for a month. I thought it was over, finally. I thought I'd finally be able to get my screwed up life back together and do something meaningful. But no, that would be too easy. Steadily my mood began to drop, and now four months later I'm back to where I started, but this time it's worse. Not because I feel lower then I ever have, but because I had a taste of what it was like to feel normal. Until then I had no memory of what it was like to feel normal because this all started so young.

I just can't do it. I've been through worse but I don't think this is ever going to change. I could try other medication but I'm fed up of fighting. I just want to be at peace, and if there is a God he's clearly ensuring that I can't. I just want to be normal. Instead I'm a nearly 20 year old depressed schizophrenic, with no job, no friends, no parter, living on benefits and with zero hopes for the future. I'm the definition of a wasted life and I can't take it anymore. I give up. I fucking give up living my pointless tortured existence. I've known nothing but misery my entire life. What's the point. What's the point of continuing? Nothing will ever change, ever, and I'm tired of waiting for change. Yet... it's still so hard to go. Even in death there is no ease and I'll have to suffer even more pain to finally find peace.

In the words of Emilie Autumn:

Gloomy is sunday,
With shadows I spend in all
My heart and i
Have decided to end it all
Soon there'll be flowers
And prayers that are sad I know
let them not weep
Let them know that I'm glad to go

 

[missmeyet?]

Please dear, don't give up. I cannot even begin to imagine being in your position. I have been horribly depressed before but it never lasts (terribly) long periods of time. I know you are tired of fighting but they are always coming up with new research, new drugs etc. Think of all you will miss out on when you finally feel good as you did for that short period of time.

What did your doc say about it going back to the way it was? What does he suggest or think? There is always got to be hope. Please don't do anything right away. I'm glad you came on here to at least talk.

 

[nuttynutskin]

If you never think anything will change then it probably won't. You're only 20 years old... Do you honestly feel like if you ended it now that you wouldn't potentially miss out on a lot of things that could have come your way later in life?

 

[sonicwhite]

I understand and have empathy for you...I know what it is like to feel like there is no hope. I have Major depressive disorder and bipolar w/psychotic features. And I have been thru a psychosis that lasted seven months.....First it was my anxiety. Now it's my depression. I'm on Zoloft 200mg the mas and 75mg of effexor xr.....Life ain't a cake walk but it's getting easier. Trust me from someone who has been in your shoe's. Nothing is worth taking your life nothing....I hate being patient too. and waiting for the pills to take full effect before we know whether this med is right or not. I want to wish you luck and your in my thoughts.